Wednesday, 17 August 2011
So, I really hate talking about this sort of thing, but I’m going to because it annoys the shit out of me…
I’ve ‘closed’ (whatever that means) on a house twice before in my life. Both times, my wife and I had to dig up old papers – such as tax returns and pay stubs – and fax them in to our realtor (or mortgage person or whoever handles the ‘closing’ crap). Then, one morning, we show up at the realtor’s office and there’s a bunch of people there, including someone who ‘does’ loans and the people who are either buying the house we’re selling to them or the people who are selling us the house we’re buying. Then a couple of mind-numbing hours in which I have to scribble something about 500 times on a line that says “buyer” or “name.” It’s a boring procedure so steeped in bureaucracy that there’s even a form they make me sign that informs me there are now less forms to sign (I’m not joking).
But thanks to modern technology, this process has improved! Well, it’s improved for everyone else.
Every week day for the last week – and on several occasions before that, either the realtor or the loan officer or someone who calls herself “The Processor” has emailed Jennifer and me, often more than once a day, requesting that we print out, read, sign, and fax back documents that take up several pages. Man, I’m glad they’re saving so much money on ink and paper! Whatever happened to just showing up on the date of ‘closing’ and signing everything then? As I told Jennifer last night, after printing and faxing close to 100 sheets of paper, I sure hope that when we arrive at ‘closing’ all I’ll have to do is shake hands and swap keys.
Anyway, yesterday I received an email from “The Processor” informing me that I had to go to some website to verify my employment. Since Jennifer handles most of this shit (and since I already know that I’m employed), I just deleted the email.
Today, she wrote back again saying that she needed me to take care of this NOW!
So I clicked on her link (which didn’t work, but I figured out the site she needed me to go to) and, well, I was completely lost. It asked me to enter my employer’s name, then my employee ID number. So far, no problem. Then it asked for my pin number. I didn’t know what it wanted, so I made a few guesses, including the password I use at work and the last 4 digits of my Social Security Number (our realtor mentioned something about that a few days ago). No luck.
So I wrote back to “The Processor” and told her I was unable to get into the site, but that if she wants employment verification, I could send her some pay stubs, or she could call my boss. Apparently, even though this method worked from 1900-2010, it no longer works in this ‘advanced’ age. She replied saying she would need two years of pay stubs, and my HR department is not likely to help since they now pay this third party to verify employment. (Man, it must have been so taxing for HR to have to answer the phone and say, “Yes, James works here, and he has worked here for seven years.” Damn. Those poor people.)
So I went back to the site, and tried to figure out how to get a password. I clicked “Forgot my password” (even though I never had a password to forget). I was then prompted to enter in all my basic info: name, address, phone number, and then they asked me some ‘security’ questions. God, I hate those things…
What was the name of your first pet?
I don’t know. How do I decide that? Is it the animal that lived in the house when I was born, or the fish my parents bought for me when I was 5? Do fish count? Or is my first pet the cat I bought as an adult? I bought two cats that day… which one should I pick?
What is your mother’s maiden name?
Well, that’s easy, but it’s not much of a security question. My mom reverted to her maiden name for about 10 years while she was in between husbands, so almost everyone who knows my mom knows her maiden name.
In what city did your grandmother live?
Which grandma? When? And why is it in past tense? Both of my grandmothers are still alive, and both of them have lived in a dozen cities at least.
Anyway, after answer nine (NINE!) questions like that, the pop-up window closed and told me I was now in the system. The problem is, they never gave me a pin number. So I called the toll free number, pressed “1” for English, and sat on hold…and sat…and sat…and sat. In fact, I was on hold the entire time I wrote this blog post. I finally decided to click “forgot my password” again and this time it asked me a security question. I answered it, and then it prompted me to enter a new password. I got it ‘wrong’ the first two times, ’cause it turns out you can only use numbers, but I finally entered in a password. This then gave me the ‘key’ that “The Processor” needed.
I wrote to her:
Just for the heck of it, my phone is still sitting here on my desk on hold. It’s been 41 minutes and I’m curious how long I would have had to wait.
At least “The Processor” didn’t have to waste her lunch break sitting on hold. I’m expecting the realtor to email me later with instructions on which pen I need to bring with me to ‘closing.’