Friday, 01 June 2012
It’s that time of year again..Jehovah’s Witnesses are gathering en masse for their yearly District Conventions. If you live here in Minnesota and you’re obscenely hard-up for entertainment, you can head down to Rochester on the 29th of this month for the first of three days of peace, love, and music at the Mayo Civic Center.
Of course, the most only interesting thing is: what are the new releases going to be?
You could travel down to Rochester, like I said, but I’ll spare you the cost of a hotel room and a polyester suit: There are three new releases. The first two are brochures.
One is called Good News from God. I mean, Good News from God!
The “good news” is that God wants you to live forever as his eternal servant. If you don’t want to be his eternal servant, he’ll kill you soon. Oh – and he’s gonna kill nearly everyone you know, too. But he doesn’t want to kill you. I repeat: that’s the good news.
The other brochure is Who are Doing Jehovah’s Will Today?
In case any of the convention attendees are not totally sure what the answer to the titular question is, the Watchtower Society made it really easy to find out by putting the answer on the cover at least eight times.
The brochure answers lots of burning questions you probably have about God’s will-doers, like “Why do we dress up for our meetings?” (page 11), “How is our worldwide work financed?” (page 27), and “Why do Witnesses shun their own family members?” (page oh – look at that – they didn’t really put this question in their brochure).
But, for me, the highlight of this year’s convention is the release of a new DVD, titled Listen, Obey, and Be Blessed. It’s for kids. It’s animated. And it teaches them to obey. It also features Sparklock, the Dark Lord of the Elementary School Playground.
Sparlock. No, not Spurlock. Sparlock.
Sparlock is a tool of the Devil, as his goatee clearly indicates. You can explicit proof of Sparlock’s demonism in this still from the movie: Little Caleb’s mom asks him if wants to be disobedient like Adam and Eve, and Caleb immediately begins imagining a serpent descending from the dining room chandelier:
If you want a full synopsis of the children’s video, THEN GO READ THIS. If you want to watch the video, good luck to you – the Watchtower Society (who, ostensibly want to spread their message), have ordered every uploaded version of their masterpiece in technological achievement removed from the internet.
Oh – but here’s a fun clip. It’s from “Lesson #2” on the DVD, titled “Obey Jehovah.” It features Sparlock. Have I mentioned that Sparlock has quickly risen on my list of best fictional characters of all time?
(Clicking on the above link will open another tab. The video will play in that tab.)
I gotta say, the scene in the “obey your parents” episode, in which leaving some toys out on the floor leads to the apocalypse, is a pretty good summation of the ridiculous level of fear JW’s use to control their members. It would be a funny scene if it weren’t for… well… my childhood.
Now, what exactly would be involved in getting some of these Sparlock toys made up? I would really like a few.
Funny if it weren’t true – yep, exactly.
This is the sort of thing that bugged my wife during our final years as JWs: Why waste time telling members not to have wizard action figures, or visit chatrooms, or have facial hair when there were so many important issues…like being kind to each other.
I thought the same thing about those action figures – if I could somehow mass prduce those, I know a ready-market that would make it worth my while.
Thanks to Sparlock I have found something new to read. I think I like your wit James. I think I shall find out for sure!
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