Steelers Win!

Friday, 04 February 2011

So, I really like the books I had to get for this semester’s class (so far). They compose a chronological anthology of American writings. Not just stories, but letters, poems, political writings, journals, stuff like that.

I’ve begun reading some of the assigned texts for the next class and I’ve come across a few creation stories. And here’s my two-word synopsis of these creation stories: They Suck. Oh, don’t get me wrong, I’m enjoying reading them from historic and literary perspectives, but they’re just stupid.

I’ve read several ideas and theories on why the Genesis creation myth has survived to this day and is the most popular and the most widely believed creation myth (besides reality, that is). Some speculate that the reasons for its survival can be attributed to the Hebrews insistence on having a written record, or their strong sense of national identity, or their unique monotheism. But here’s my theory: the Genesis account has survived because it’s the least bizarre.

Yeah, that’s right: some big powerful guy just creates it all. He starts with light (so he can see what’s going on), then sets up his workspace, then hones in on the details. It’s not unlike how I might make something in my woodshed.

Other creation myths…yeah…they’re just weird. They introduce all these unnecessary and arbitrary elements. Instead of giving examples from my assigned readings, I’ll just create me own myth. Right here. On the spot. And I promise it will be every bit as good as most other creation myths…

A long time ago, a rabbit farted. A pigeon was flying by and smelled the fart. She landed and said to the rabbit, “Greetings, my name is al’a’onea’awihea’a’a’a’.” To which the rabbit replied: “My name is Bob. Why have you landed in my path?”

Just then an eagle swooped down and ate the rabbit. This startled the pigeon, who ran for cover under a raspberry bush. And the bush grew to become the world, and the feather that the pigeon lost in her hurry to hide became man.

Later, a turtle crawled up and sat next to the world. And she laid a high number of eggs. And when they hatched, they became the animals.

Ta-da!

Saturday, 05 February 2011

Today we stopped at the Goodwill to look for treasures (where “treasures” is defined as “stuff we need at prices we can afford”). I wanted to get a couple more jeans. I don’t know what happened, but suddenly I’m low on pants. So I bought two.

Also, I was looking for an updated version of the game Outburst. Jennifer and I own two versions of the game, but they’re both over ten years old and are getting seriously outdated. For example, when we played the game a few weeks ago with some friends, one category was “People You Love to Hate,” and the answers were Linda Tripp and Leona Helmsley and others who have faded from the spotlight long ago. I kid of wish that Outburst’s creators wouldn’t put such time-sensitive topics in their game, but I suppose it’s a case of planned obsolescence, in which case I say: good job, Hasbro!

Anyway, I didn’t find a copy of the game at Goodwill. I likewise turned up empty-handed at Target a couple of days ago. A quick search on Amazon reveals there are newer editions, but, yikes, they’re pricey. Perhaps what I’ll do is go through the cards and throw out ones like “Big News Stories of 1995” and leave in “Items Found in a Kitchen Drawer” and combine my two Outbursts into one.

Sunday, 06 February 2011

Today I went to my in-laws’ house to celebrate Superbowl Sunday. I had a vested stake in the game, being this close (I’m holding my fingers really close together) to winning $50 from my credit union. I picked the Steelers to win and the total combined points to be 43.

“43!” you say, “why 43?”

I’m glad you asked.

First, I listed the combined score of every Superbowl game, and averaged them out. Then, I took the combined score of every Packers game and every Steelers game from this season and averaged those out. Next, I found the average of the total score of every game the Steelers and Packers have played against each other since 1975. Finally, I favorably weighted any Superbowl in which the Packers or Steelers appeared by adding in the average of those games a second time. I then determined the average of all of those average. This gave a total of 42.something. I don’t remember. Anyway, I rounded it up to 43.

The game’s total combined score was 56. Didn’t matter anyway since the Packers won. Thanks Packers, thanks a lot. I still think you have the second-dumbest name in all of pro football.

Oh – best commercial: