1. So, I was with a friend the other day, and we got into his car to drive to a local burger place. On the way, I said: “Oh, you need to make a right up at the next light, so get in the other lane”. He complied, but then – oh no! – that lane ended. “Oops,” I said, “I guess you have to get back over. He sped up slightly and swerved back into the left lane…only to be pulled over by a policeman.
The cop asked if my friend knew why he had been pulled over. My friend admitted to changing lanes rather abruptly, but then I piped up and explained it was my fault for giving him such poor directions. The cop said told my friend that he had been speeding (by going about 38mph in a 35!) and that he must have been inattentive because he didn’t stop as soon as the cop flashed on his lights.
This last bit was really rather stupid. Who does pull over as soon as cops turn on their lights? Certainly not me, because I don’t drive down the highway staring into my rearview mirror. In fact, I couldn’t care less what’s behind me.
At any rate, the cop took his license & proof of insurance and walked back to his car. When he returned, he said: “Well, what would you do if you were me?” This has got to be one of the toughest questions a person can answer. Do you say: “Well, I’d let me go because I really didn’t do anything wrong and you just seem out for blood”, or do you say, “why don’t you arrest me now before I escalate into a life of serial killings and downloading music.
What would you say if that was you?
2. So I took advantage of my company’s on-site oil change service a few weeks back. The way it works is, you stick your key and a check in these little mailboxes, and when you leave at the end of the day, you retrieve your key which is now accompanied by a receipt.
As I walked to my car, I unfurled my receipt and noticed this statement: “Clipboard on floor found between radiator and frame”. Yes, it means exactly what it said. When I got in my car, there was indeed a clipboard sitting on my floor. It was mangled and warped from temperature extremes & it had a coating of engine dust on it. It was from an automotive shop I used to frequent when I lived up north. Turns out, back in November, when I went in there to have my brakes worked on, someone must have shoved the clipboard in between the engine and the frame, and then forgot about it. So it languished there for six months.
3. My wife, son and I were eating dinner at a sandwich shop when a very haggard looking individual came up and handed me a very haggard looking sheet of paper. The paper said he was in a band and that he was trying to save up money to take a bus ride to New Orleans where his big band would be competing with other jazz bands in a tournament. Oh, and did I mention the guy was deaf? Anyway, I showed my wife the note and asked if she thought we should give him anything. My first reaction is that such people are scam artists, but I also saw my son was enamored with the man’s signing, and I didn’t want my son to think (know) that I am a cheap bastard. My wife said: “If you want”, so I pulled out my wallet and found a one dollar bill, a five dollar bill and about six twenty dollar bills. The deaf guy saw the contents of my wallet, and knew he probably thought I had way too much money for my own good. So I gave the guy my five dollar bill. The whole evening I felt like he took advantage of me.
Later that night, we walked around a lake, and I gave a street musician my one dollar bill just for soothing us with his accordian.
Anyways, I know some people believe in that Oprah-sanctioned pay-it-forward stuff, so if you think such altruism is inevitably reciprocated by the world, I’ve got a good one for you: the next day, I arrived at work and one of my co-workers approached me. She handed me a five dollar gift card to Caribou Coffee. See, I had attended a work-related seminar the day before, where they held drawings for door prizes at the end of the day. I, however, did not stay for the drawings, but seem to have still won something.
See? In the end, the love you take is equal to the love you make!
Sorry for any incoherence / spelling snafus here. I just downed a 16-oz bottle of beer and am quite buzzed.
1. Hmm, let me go ask my friend, Dan what he would write in response to your blog post about what your friend would say to the policeman who asked him what he would do. 😛
Of course the best response would be, “Call for backup.” Although I’m not sure if you should follow up with a sudden lunge to the glove compartment or if you should just put it in drive and floor it. Either way, you’d definitely want the right music playing.
2. Let’s hope it wasn’t an impromptu firewall from a Macgyver-like mechanic.
3. 5+1=5? What, did the universe have to pay Oprah some royalties?
Yeah, the deaf guy wasn’t playing a band, is that even possible? You said that the sheet said he was on a basketball team and wanted to go play in a tournament. The weird thing was that the sheet looked years old and this guy did not look in good enough shape to be on any sort of sports team. I didn’t mind you giving him, like, a buck or two, but five? Oh well, we got it back it seems.
David-
1. Very funny. Unfortunately, I think my friend was going more for ‘how-do-I-get-out-of-a-ticket’ rather than ‘what-will-be-most-memorable’.
3. Like I said, I was buzzed. But you know, with taxes, I suppose I came out even.
Jennifer-
Oh, right, basketball. He wasn’t in good shape, but he wasn’t in terrible shape.