Verbisaurus Blogicus

So, the birth of our third child means that Owen has now graduated from Older Child to Oldest Child, while Isla has now been saddled with a chronic case of middle-child syndrome.

Visit my wife’s blog post for all the details about our latest baby, Emmett Porter, by clicking this link.

This is Emmett

I’m taking four weeks off of work to stay home with Jennifer and the new baby. My tasks as a postpartum mid-husband have consisted largely of providing meals for Jennifer and our non-nursing kids, as well as keeping up with the dishes and the laundry. The meal department has actually been easier than you might think because Jennifer prepared and froze several meals before the birth and left instructions on the fridge for me. So mostly I’ve just been reheating. A couple of people have given us some pre-made meals, as well, and Jennifer’s brother and his wife brought over some dinner from Buca. So, I’ve actually enjoyed getting the food ready. The biggest concern has been making sure that we eat re-heated items before they go bad.

Sometimes, I’ve had to prepare meals with Emmett in my arms. I’m quite proud of my ability to perform household chores while holding an infant, but there are occasions when I have to put him down. Just the other day, I laid him on the couch. Here you can see Emmett sleeping on the couch while his sister snuggles up to him:

Another lucky-for-me aspect of my paternity leave, is that Owen is still in school. I took him to school on his first day back, and he brought with him a 5×7 photo of his new brother (the same photo as shown at top). His teacher allowed him to put the photo on the overhead projector so the whole class could see it and Owen had the opportunity to regale everyone with a detailed description of Emmett’s birth. Or maybe he just told everyone Emmett’s name and birthdate.

After dropping Owen off at school that first day, Isla and I came back home and, for some reason, I just thought she was so cute while walking with her umbrella, that I just had to take a picture. So, here you go:

Incidentally, when Emmett finally attends his first day of Kindergarten, Isla will be starting 4th grade and Owen will be a 9th-grader.

Just for fun (and just because I happen to remember all this at the moment), I thought I’d make a quick list of the last bits of entertainment I consumed prior to becoming father to Emmett. I meant to do this prior to Owen’s birth, but I forgot…

Last complete book I read before Emmett’s birth: The Book of Numbers
Last movie I saw: Kill Bill, Vol. 2
Last movie I saw at the theater: The Grand Budapest Hotel
Last complete TV series I watched: Community
Last TV episode I watched: “The Wedding (Part 1)”
Last complete album I listened to: Songs of Bo Redoubt
Last song I heard: “O Mary Don’t You Weep”

Emmett’s birthday also marks the only time I went to work the same day my kid was born. I was at work for close to three hours when Jennifer called and asked me to come home. Owen was born on a Saturday and Isla was born just after 5:00 in the morning, so going to work on either of those days really wasn’t an option with those two. In fact, I even worked from home for a few hours prior to Emmett’s birth. All in all, I logged something like 6 hours of work that day, and he was finally born when less than 10% of the day remained.

In the meantime, it’s amazing to think that Jennifer and I now have three kids. Wow! I am now the father of three children! Three! Do you know what this means? It means that the number of children I’ve fathered is now equal to…

-The number of cups of coffee I have consumed in the past 15 years
-The total time, in minutes, that I’ve played Candy Crush
-The number of times I have verbally recited the Pledge of Allegiance
-The number of complete calendar years I have ever gone without wearing a necktie
-The total amount, in grams, of baby formula I have ever purchased
-The number of meals I have eaten from McDonald’s since 2002
-The number of times I’ve seen the Pacific Ocean
-The total amount, in dollars, that I have ever spent at Wal-Mart
-The total number of times I have worn a costume for Halloween
-The number of times I have been the Best Man in a wedding ceremony
-The number of complete cigarettes I have smoked
-The number of times I’ve been laid-off
-The number of birthday presents my parents and grandparents have ever given me
-The total number of coffee makers, snow blowers, smart phones, lawnmowers, and new cars I have ever purchased
-And the number of times I changed a diaper before my first child was born
…combined.

So, kid #3 is due any day now. And, like kid #2, we are planning to birth this one at home. In a tub. This requires a bit of planning.

Two weeks ago, I was completely stressed-out that we weren’t ready. Last week, I felt better, but remained anxious because some little odds and ends weren’t quite tied up yet. I even took a day off work to try to finish about ten things on our list. My success rate was approximately 30%.

But I think we’re good now.

First, here’s the tub:

Why have a tub? you ask.
Yes, it’s true, we already have a bath tub. In fact, we have a Jacuzzi. But this tub is larger than even our Jacuzzi. It’s deeper, and has a greater diameter. There’s also a comfortable pad on the bottom – and it’s sitting on our living room rug, which, in turn, is on another pad – so it will be softer on Jennifer’s knees. It’s also easier to get around it. Our Jacuzzi is fixed up against the wall, but here, Jennifer, her midwives, or anyone, really, can access the tub from whichever angle is easiest.
It’s also nice to give birth in a living room, next to the fireplace, instead of in the bathroom, next to the toilet.
Of course, this thing weights an awful lot. So I was a bit scared that our 90-year-old beams wouldn’t hold and the tub would come crashing through the floor. Egro…

This is the scene exactly 8 feet below the tub. Notice I have installed two metal pillars (rated to withstand 12,000 pounds), one under each beam. I call this homeowners’ insurance. It’s so safe that I even let my 3-year-old stand underneath.

But back to the living room…

Our new video camera is in place. The battery is charged, the data card is inserted, and we’ve affixed it to our oh-so-adorable 12″ tripod. It’s now lying in wait on our shelf above our TV. When the time comes, I will power it up and hit record. The underwater cam is arriving today. Just kidding. There won’t be an underwater cam.

Meanwhile, on another wall of our living room…

Here’s our mantle. Notice the candles on the left. That’s to give the room a real candle-y feel.

Here’s a close-up of our mantle. The little white card you see in the middle is a card Isla made to welcome the new baby. She made it in December, so it’s been sitting around for a while. And since our baby won’t be born knowing how to read…it’ll probably be sitting around for a while more. The little green object sitting right in front of the card is a rubber anklet Owen made for the baby.

Now let’s head into the dining room…

Here are some other items we’re gonna need: A small fan to point at Jennifer in case she gets hot; a photo camera for me to take pictures of the baby; some candles to burn during labor (Jennifer says they help her “focus”); and a CD of Mickey Hart’s album Music to Be Born By, which I will play while Jennifer is in labor. This album played during Isla’s birth, and it’s pretty kickass for activities such as pushing out a human being. There are also two sets of headphones for our two kids, and if you have to ask why we need those, then you weren’t within a half mile of Jennifer the last time she gave birth.

This photo shows what is immediately to the left of the objects in the previous picture. You’re looking at a canvas, acid-free paper, and a stamp pad. The canvas is for making a placenta print, which actually is pretty cool, so stop cringing. The paper and ink are for footprints.

Now to the kitchen…

Here are some large pots. The midwives will be using them. To the right of the pots is a flashlight, just in case they need to see inside someplace dark. And if you’re curious as to why there’s a space heater there, well…it’s not a space heater. It’s a box that used to house a space heater. Notice the box is lined with a plastic garbage bag. This can be set near the birthtub – or anywhere, really – and used as a mobile trash bin. A similar box is sitting in the living room, filled with towels we’ve saved just for this occasion.

This is a Birth Kit we had to order. There’s all manner of stuff in here for labor, delivery, and postpartum. Just trust me on this one.

And here is our fridge. There are six sheets of paper magneted to the door. Three of them discuss dinner options and how to prepare such meals; two of them explore the world of making lunch and snacks for kids; the last one (top right) is a list of phone numbers I will, or might, need (I blocked out most of this sheet to hide the phone numbers).

Did we miss anything?

A few weeks ago, Owen asked me to name my favorite song.

He asks this sort of question quite frequently. What’s my favorite book? What’s my favorite TV show? What’s my favorite movie? I wish he had asked me these questions twenty years ago, because then I had concrete answers – I had a definite favorite movie, a definite favorite TV show, and certainly a definite favorite song; with the passage of time, however, these things have all gotten muddied. But I guess twenty years ago he wasn’t around, so…fair enough.

A favorite song? That’s particularly tricky. Asking for my favorite song is almost like asking for my favorite TV episode. Sure, there are some great TV episodes out there, but it’s tough to pick out one truly awesome episode – they’re part of a greater whole, right? So, for the most part, while there are albums I consider to be among my favorites, I’m hard-pressed to single out just one song.

Still, I was able to narrow it down to about a dozen hot contenders.

But before I tell you how I did that, and what the results were, let me give you a history of my favorite songs…

In the beginning, there was my Dad. He owned boxes full of vinyl albums and singles. I swear he had, like, every song that hit the Hot 100 between 1955 and 1985: rockabilly, blues, R&B, county, rock, jazz, disco, pop…it was all there. And if that wasn’t enough, he kept cassettes and 8-tracks in his car and the best part about riding in his car was getting to listen to the one-hit wonder collections he’d discovered in the budget bin at Sam Goody. My particular favorite was Wild and Craaazy Hits, which included such classics as “Wooly Bully” and “Does Your Chewing Gum Lose it’s Flavor on the Bedpost Overnight?”

However, my favorite songs were the ones we listened to in the house: the ones he had on vinyl.

I can’t offer any valid reasons, but at some point in my preschool and Kindergarten years, I decided upon a favorite song. In fact, I decided upon three favorite songs. This, I suppose, became my first list ever.

My third-favorite song was “Splish Splash,” by Bobby Darin.

I think I just liked the silly idea of a guy unexpectedly hosting a party in his living room, and how he’s just dancing in a towel and everyone else is (I presumed) fully dressed. How did he not know there was a party going on! Better still, he didn’t kick them out, he just joined in (after grabbing his shoes, of course)!

In second place was Glen Campbell’s “Rhinestone Cowboy.”

For some reason, the line about having “a subway token and a dollar tucked inside my shoe” really spoke to me. On at least one occasion, I inserted a dollar bill into my shoe just to see if I could really grok the song. My mom told me to take it out. She cared not for such frivolities.

But my favorite song was “Hair,” by the Cowsills:

This number two hit from 1968 was just sheer fun for me and my sister. My hair, of course, was never allowed to grow past the tops of my ears, but we reveled in the nuttiness of the song nonetheless.

So there you have it, my original three favorite songs, each from a different decade. I think it’s a rather eclectic mix for a five-year old.

That’s where the title of “Favorite Song” sat for years, until, one day when I was in sixth grade, my friend Chris played a song he’d recorded off TV. I immediately tossed aside my stagnant list and bequeathed the title of “Favorite Song” upon this new tune, this tune which had never been in my Dad’s collection.

But that’s for another blog post.

I am pleased to announce that, as of this week, I have 100 credits at Hamline University. This is a big deal because one hundred is a three-digit number. That’s it. Other than that, it doesn’t really matter at all.

People, especially my coworkers, frequently ask me questions about my college career. So, in celebration of the big 1-0-0, I figured I would stage this blog post as a Q&A about my post-secondary career…

Q: So, why don’t you have a degree yet?Aren’t you, like, old?

A: Correct, I am old (for a college student). But actually, I already have a degree: I’ve held an Associate’s in Applied Science from Century College since 2002, back when I was merely a tad older than my classmates. My degree was in Laboratory Tehnology, but the degree from Hamline will be in English (with a minor in History).

Q: So you’ve been working on your four-year degree for 12 years now?

A: No, not quite. After graduating from Century in’02, I did not take another college class until the fall of 2009, so there was a seven-year gap there.

Q: Jeez. Seven years! What was your problem, slacker?

A: My problem was four-fold: I was in a religion that highly discouraged any post-secondary education, we had some issues at home to take care in the wake of Owen’s birth, I didn’t live convenient to any college, and I couldn’t afford college.

Q: Oh. So it’s all good now?

A: Well, “all good” seems like a stretch, but all the major issues dissipated: I obtained employment with a company that reimburses me for most of my tuition costs, I left that religion, and I now live in a city with at least eight post-secondary options.

Q: So how many of those credits are from Century, and how many are from Hamline?

A: I racked up 68 credits from Century College. When I first enrolled at Hamline, the transcipt articulator told me that they were going to count 53 of those credits towards my Hamline goal. But I fought back a little bit. First, I convinced them that they should count my two Lab Skills classes from my first year at Century. Eventually, they agreed. This brought my total up to 62. Then, one day, when a new person took over the job, she emailed to tell me that she realized that a math class I took at Century was actually a 5 credit class, not a 4 credit (as they had originally counted it). So, she basically said, “Congratulations! You now have one more credit!” Bottom line: 63 from Century, 37 from Hamline.

Q: Only 37 from Hamline? But you’ve been enrolled there since 2009!

A: True, but I’m only taking one class per semester at most. Or, put another way, I’m only taking two courses (for a total of eight credits) per school year. Sometimes, such as during the 2009-10 school year and the 2012-13 school year, I took one class in the fall and another in the spring. Sometimes, I took a summer class instead of a fall class.

Q: Wait – if you’re garnering eight credits per year, how do you have 37 credits from Hamline? Don’t you mean 36?

A: Ah…I appreciate your sharp math skills. That’s the kind of thing that will get you extra credit. Anyway, here’s the deal: I have 63 credits from Century, which means I still needed to get 65 credits at Hamline. That means I would have to take 16 classes…but then I’d still be one credit short. So I knew at some point I’d have to take a one-credit class. And, in January, I just did.

Q: So now that you have 100 credits, how long until you graduate?

A: That’s a tough question. The smoothest path would be to take seven more classes. If I continue to do two classes a school year, then I’ll graduate in May 2017. But, you know, life can get in the way.

Q: 2017! Jesus Christ! This is taking you forever!

A: I know, god. Get off my case.

Q: Sorry.

A: That’s alright. Here, let me explain – Like I said, my employer reimburses me for most of my college costs, but they have a limit. As it is, I use about 95% of the tuition reimbursement. If I took even one more class in a year, I would easily use all 100%, and I’d then be left with a bill for several thousand dollars for the remaining costs of that third class.

Q: Um, yeah, that’s because you’re going to a super-expensive school. Why not go to Budget University and get this done in a year or two?

A: Because there’s still the problem of time. Attending college requires me to take time away from work, family, or sleep. The last two are things I don’t want to take too much time from; the first one is something I can’t take that much time from, lest I don’t get paid as much. So, since I can’t take more than one class at a time, why not use (nearly) every penny my employer offers?

Q: I see. So you’re basically going to Hamline for free, then? Sweet.

A: Not exactly. I do have to cough up the tuition costs first, and I only get reimbursed after I prove that I passed the class with a B or better. But my company only pays for the actual tution and the cost of books. They do not pay for interest, school fees, or special events I may have to attend. For the last couple years, I’ve been able to use grants and scholarships to keep the costs down even more. All told, I estimate I’m paying about $50 a credit.

Q: Still, that’s pretty cool.

A: Yes. Kind of makes up for my delinquent parents.

Q: So what classes have you taken at Hamline?

A: These:

The column labeled “Dept.” indicates which portion of my degree the class is applicable towards. E stands for English, H for History, and the lone I indicates the internship I took, which is required for the degree. They were all four-credit classes except for the most recent one.

Q: “The Night the Hogs Ate Willie”? Seriously?

A: Yes. Details are here.