Saturday, 26 November 2011
The American Family Association has released their yearly “Naughty or Nice” list. This is an extraordinarily helpful list; elegant in its simplicity.
The AFA gives retailers a color rating. Green is the best – like the stoplight, Green mean GO, as in, “go shop there.” Yellow indicates caution is warranted when shopping at the retailers, and Red means stop shopping there.
Both box and online stores achieve one of these colors by their attitude toward Christmas. Green, for example, indicates the company is “for” Christmas.
“But wait!” you say. “How can the AFA determine a company’s attitude toward Christmas?”
Oh, that’s easy, they simply calculate the number of times the company uses the word “Christmas” in their advertising and other forms of communicating. A store like Menards, what with its Christmas Wonderland in each store, thusly scores a green. (Modestly, the AFA awards their own online store a green rating, too.) A store that does not use the word “Christmas” is given a red rating a deemed to be “AGAINST Christmas” (capitalization theirs).
Hm. So, let’s say I open a new store and I decide to use what’s going on in the community to help me sell my trinkets. In August, for example, I tout my store’s school supplies. In May, I set out my selection of Mother’s Day cards. In December, I naturally set out evergreen wreaths and plastic baby Jesuseses and on the door I write “Hallelujah, He is Risen! Give Praise for Jesus’ birthday arrives!”
So far so good. The AFA would probably rate me bright green.
But then, I notice some men with silly hats and pigtails walking down the street. And then I notice what looks like a headless Darth Vader (but is probably just a woman in a burka) moving in across the street. So, thinks I, “How can I get their business, too?”
So I tell my employees to stop saying “Merry Christmas,” and to instead say “Happy Holidays.” I also wipe off the Christian sentiments on the door and draw some snowflakes and snowmen.
In my savvy haste to make my store more inclusive and to remain competitive in the marketplace, the AFA will now rate me Red. Since I no longer use the word “Christmas” in my ads, I am defaulted to being AGAINST Christmas.
Using this logic, I can’t help but wonder what else I am AGAINST. Of course, I don’t own a store, but I do own a house (well, I have to pay the bank lots of money every month to say that, but I think you know what I mean). So as I look around my house, I am forced to ask: “What, dear self, am I obviously AGAINST since there’s no signage to indicate otherwise?”
First, I am AGAINST gay rights. You can tell I am AGAINST gay rights because my house is not painted pink, and I don’t have a “Homos are awesome” neon sign in my window.
Second, I am AGAINST a cleaner environment since I don’t assign my children shifts to stand outside and hug our tree and my kitchen floor is not made out of soy-free gluten-free reconstituted reclaimed cork.
Third, I am AGAINST democracy, since my children did not duly elect me to be their father. Also, my garage door is not styled as an American flag.
Finally (since this post is already too long), I am against dogs since I do not own any canines, I do not want the neighbor’s dog to poop on my lawn, and we have no time pieces in our home that accurately measure the passing of dog years.
Yes, AFA, peg me Red on all these counts.
Nice post! Thanks!
My pleasure, Mike! Thanks for reading.