Saturday, 03 December 2011
A week from today, the family and I will be attending a gift wrapping for children who have to spend the holidays at Children’s Hospital. Every December, there’s this big push to be magnanimous, which I definitely feel is superior to the push to be consumerist…so I’m all for looking for ways to donate and volunteer.
Problem is, many such opportunities are religiously based. Don’t get me wrong, I think it’s great that religions use their unique power to organize and collect money and put it towards doing good, but I’m not crazy about the fact that they shave some money off the top for their church. Also, I never know if the dollar I donate will be used 90% to care for children with spina bifida and 10% to tell teenagers that condoms are evil.
So, this seems like a good cause. Isla has spent some time at Children’s, so I feel a certain kinship with them. Also, the event will be taking place approximately 1.8 miles from our front door and is hosted by Minnesota Atheists and Green Mill.
Here are the details. Join us if you’d like – it would be fun to have more friends there.
Anyway, I bring this up today because today we went shopping for the kids. It was fun to pick out toys with Owen. The rules were basically, “let’s look for inexpensive toys that kids can play with in the hospital.” And he did a good job picking out a few things. Jennifer also grabbed some socks and underwear for kids.
Later, we went to the local Goodwill, where I hung out in the book section:


Sunday, December 04, 2011
Today we walked over to our local Subway Sandwiches.
They’re having an event today where, if you bring in a blanket, you can get a free 6-inch sub. The blankets go to a women’s shelter. So, in keeping with the “season of giving,” and our desire for free food, we lunched at the local Subway.
Here’s the crazy thing: we donated four blankets, had the Sandwich Artiste’ prepare sandwiches for us, selected our chips and cookies and drinks, then heard the price: a grand total of $6.41. I looked in my wallet, and saw I only had two dollars. No problem, I reached for my check card. But then the employee stopped me and told me the credit card swipe thingy was inoperative. Thanks for the heads up, pal.
In a fit of stupidity, I looked over at Jennifer (who was getting the kids situated at a table) and said, “I guess we’re not eating here, let’s go.” She asked what the problem was, I explained it, then she said, “Well, can’t we still take the sandwiches?” Oh, um, yeah, I guess that made sense.
So then, as I’m zipping up my coat, the guy in line behind us offers to pay. He asks if I live close, I tell him I do, so then he says, “Well I work right at the fire station right there.” He pointed across the street, then added, “So just bring me the money later.” Wow. That was nice of him.
So then, he starts ordering his food and I realize, hey, since we do live so close, I should just run home and get the cash. So that’s what I do. Then, as I run back to the restaurant, I see the fireman waiting at the corner. I say, “thanks again,” and keep right on running. Why didn’t I ask him to wait while I got change real quick? I don’t know. Sometimes I’m a complete bonehead.
Anyway, the fireman had the presence of mind (great quality for a fireman to have, by the way), to realize what I was doing, so he turns around and follows me. I reimburse him, thank him again, then sit down to dine with my family.

Monday, December 05, 2011
Have you ever received one of those end-of-the-year letters from a distant relative? I guess people send them out at Christmastime, in honor of Ra’s rebirth or something.
I was talking with a co-worker today, and she said she is tired of those letters that paint an unrealistically positive image of the family’s year. Many of them, I guess, are just boring lists of accomplishments, as if the family have leaped from one rosy event to another. I compared the letters to photo albums – no one includes the bad events, so the end result is a skewed depiction of the time frame.
If I remember right (and I usually do), Jennifer and I have only received one of those letters ever. It came in the mail about ten years ago, from her cousin and his wife. They were newly married and trying to do the polite thing by including us in the loop. Silly them, they didn’t recall that we were Witnesses and therefore didn’t celebrate Christmas letters of good news. I’m sure someone cued them in on their social faux pas, because they did not send us any in subsequent years.
But here’s the thing: even though we are now devil-worshiping, blood-drinking, goat sacrificers who throw caution to the wind by spending time with family members who have different viewpoints from us, we still haven’t received any of these letters.
My theory is that email has been the death knell for the snail mail tradition. Or maybe no one wants us to know what their family has been up to.

Wednesday, 30 December 2011

Browsing through Amazon.com today, I happened upon this power generator. I think any home owner should have one and, with free shipping, this one looks like the one to buy. The reviews are excellent – 5 out of 5 stars from three reviews – and I can’t really find anything wrong with it, especially since it can be affixed with solar panels.
The price is a bit more than I’d like to pay, so if any of you other homeowners out there would like to go halfsies with me, let me know.

And here are my kids feeding some goats:

In other news, half the German city of Kolenz will evacuate this weekend due to a bomb dropped on their city…during World War II. That’s just amazing to me. To think that the lives of thousands of people will be disrupted this weekend due to a war that ended over 65 years ago…wow. I just hope nothing goes wrong. I’d hate to see World War 2.1 start up.

Thursday, 01 December 2011
Today I once again hosted Atheists Talk.
During part one, I interviewed Scott Lohman on the secularism of Star Trek. Scott is the chair of Diversicon, a science fiction convention held in the Twin Cities each summer and is the President of Humanists of Minnesota. Scott gave a historical overview of the erstwhile science fiction show, from its origins in the mind of Gene Roddenberry, to its becoming a phenomenonal hit. Scott gave examples of how religion was treated in the series, and how the show’s writers and directors were able to circumvent the network sensors.
In part two, we talked about specific episodes that dealt with the themes of belief and nonbelief, including the original series’ “The Cage” and “Return of the Archons,” The Next Generation’s “Who Watches the Watchers?” and “Devil’s Due,” Deep Space Nine’s “In the Hands of the Prophets,” and “Death Wish,” from Star Trek: Voyager (watch that clip – it’s great). Scott also noted the treatment of omnipotence and heavenly bliss as interpreted in the Star Trek motion pictures The Final Frontier and Generations, respectively.
CLICK HERE FOR THE SHOW’S PODCASTS, although the latest episodes (including the one from tonight) are not loaded up yet.

Friday, 02 December 2011
I picked up Owen from school today. It’s kind of a tradition now; me picking him up on Fridays.
Today, his teacher told me that the class will be having a science demonstration on Thursday (the 8th) and that I am welcome to come join them.
You may recall that Owen and I, along with a classmate and his dad, attended the U of M’s “Math and Science Family Event” a couple weeks ago. Well, while there, I picked up a brochure that provided information about grad students coming out to local schools to provide science demonstrations to students. The brochure said they had programs for every grade level – from Kindergarten to 12th Grade. I gave the brochure to Owen’s teacher back on Tuesday. On Wednesday, she called the number. Yesterday, they responded to her with the names of the volunteers and a date set for next week.
I asked the teacher if this was going to take place in the cafeteria, and she said no, it’s just a special, small program for her students, so it will be right in the classroom. Which is absolutely fantastic for the kids, I think.
On the way home, I asked Owen if he’d like me to attend the program next Thursday and, in stark contrast to how I would have responded to my own parents’ similar requests, he said yes.

Oh – and here’s my wife’s photo-essay of making pie from scratch with our kids: CLICK HERE.

Sunday, 27 November 2011

Today we brought home our holiday conifer. The atmosphere certainly didn’t feel holiday-ish; there was absolutely no snow on the ground. In fact, Owen wanted to ride on the sled out to where our tree was waiting, but I told him that without a snow cover, the sled would just get ripped up on the path.

We bought our tree from Kruger Christmas Trees. The maintain a sustainable tree farm, and they donate a chunk of their money to good causes, like Amnesty International, the Heifer Foundation, the Humane Society, and Doctors without Borders. The kids sat on a Santa impersonator, too, and this caused Isla to immediately break out crying. Later, we partook of the complimentary hot cider. We then visited their resident Indian expert. This requires bending down, and entering a teepee. We’ve gone in there before, but this year Jennifer was hesitant. I don’t blame her; the man does not stop talking, so in theory we would still be there if we didn’t have the rudeness to just stand up and walk out midsentence.

Installing the tree at home is a frustrating ordeal. It’s tough to get the tree aligned correctly and securely in the stand, and it’s hard to get the lights strung up evenly. Jennifer strung up the lights the first time, then we plugged them in and realized they weren’t working. She ran out to the store and purchased a new supply. once we finally got the tree in ready-order, we were too tired to hang the ornaments. We’ll do that tomorrow.

Oh – and why would a non-Christian celebrate Christmas? Good question. HERE’S THE ANSWER.

Monday, 28 November 2011

When I was a kid, my parents drank soda. Not pop. Soda. When first they moved to the Land of 10,000 Lakes, they were unfamiliar with the word ‘pop.’ At a restaurant, when the waitress asked my dad if he wanted pop, he thought she was asking if he wanted to be punched. He could determine from the context, however, that she was actually referring to some sort of beverage, so he just said, “No, but I’ll have a soda, please.”

HERE’S A MAP THAT BREAKS DOWN THE POPULARITY OF POP vs SODA vs COKE by county. As I expected, my parents grew up in a heavily soda-leaning state (at least the eastern half of New York – from whence they beckoned – is soda-leaning). Minnesotans, meanwhile, strongly prefer pop. I think it’s funny that ‘Coke’ is used as a generic name for soft drink in some states. That seems weird to me. I know many brand names do lose their identity over time (Frisbee, Jacuzzi, Kleenex), but to me, Coke still strongly suggests one particular brand. The map also has me wondering about Virginia and North Carolina – can’t those folks make up their minds?

Me? I get tongue-tied on the spur of the moment when people ask what I want to drink (am I supposed to say pop or soda?). So I just stick with tea.

Tuesday, 29 November 2011

I’m reading Will Durant’s book The Greatest Minds and Ideas of All Time. As you may know, I love books that list things like this – and books that try to rank intangible, difficult to quantify aspects of the human condition are a particular favorite.

However, I’m gonna go ahead and say to skip this one. Though published recently (2002), the book is very dated. Durant died over two decades ago and the editor doesn’t bother to update the lists.

Worse, though, is Durant’s flowery language. He tries to make his description of everything poetic. Sorry, Willy, but if want to convince me that Walt Whitman is one of the 10 greatest poets of all time, I’m gonna need more to go on than:

Almost for the first timea poet was to find themes worthy of noble verse in the lives of common men, he would be a Declaration of Independence and the Rights of Man in poetry, he would incarnate not some dead ideal of Arthur or some forgotten myth of forgotten gods, but his own rough country, his own dubious democracy, his own turbulent and growing time.

As beautiful as that run-on sentence is, it does nothing to support the claim that Whitman is one of the ten greatest poets to ever grace the planet (or, more correctly, the Western Hemisphere, as Durant spends most of his book largely ignoring the other half – and more populous part – of the globe).

Worse than the flamboyant prose, however, is Durant’s complete misfire regarding Poe. In his soporific, protracted introduction to his chapter on the best books, he makes this claim:

We call Poe a great artist when we only mean that his biography is interesting and his sufferings attractive to us.

Wow. What’s with kicking Edgar Allan Poe? That fucked up statement pretty much nullifies the entire book. I mean, how can I trust a historian to accurately assess human achievements when he misses the mark so badly?

Call me insane, but I call Poe a great artist because he is deft at using language and spins enthralling tales. I didn’t even know what century Poe lived in when, in 8th grade, my English teacher had us read “The Pit and the Pendulum.” I loved it. Then we read “The Cask of Amontillado” and watched a short film that brought the tale to life. I had no idea who Poe – the man – was until I purchased a book of his writings when I was 16 years old and read the introduction. It was one of the first books of fiction I purchased and, 20 years later, is still on my shelf.

Poe IS a great artist. Like Hitchcock, his biography is fascinating, but irrelevant to loving the art.

Saturday, 26 November 2011

The American Family Association has released their yearly “Naughty or Nice” list. This is an extraordinarily helpful list; elegant in its simplicity.

The AFA gives retailers a color rating. Green is the best – like the stoplight, Green mean GO, as in, “go shop there.” Yellow indicates caution is warranted when shopping at the retailers, and Red means stop shopping there.

Both box and online stores achieve one of these colors by their attitude toward Christmas. Green, for example, indicates the company is “for” Christmas.

“But wait!” you say. “How can the AFA determine a company’s attitude toward Christmas?”

Oh, that’s easy, they simply calculate the number of times the company uses the word “Christmas” in their advertising and other forms of communicating. A store like Menards, what with its Christmas Wonderland in each store, thusly scores a green. (Modestly, the AFA awards their own online store a green rating, too.) A store that does not use the word “Christmas” is given a red rating a deemed to be “AGAINST Christmas” (capitalization theirs).

Hm. So, let’s say I open a new store and I decide to use what’s going on in the community to help me sell my trinkets. In August, for example, I tout my store’s school supplies. In May, I set out my selection of Mother’s Day cards. In December, I naturally set out evergreen wreaths and plastic baby Jesuseses and on the door I write “Hallelujah, He is Risen! Give Praise for Jesus’ birthday arrives!”

So far so good. The AFA would probably rate me bright green.

But then, I notice some men with silly hats and pigtails walking down the street. And then I notice what looks like a headless Darth Vader (but is probably just a woman in a burka) moving in across the street. So, thinks I, “How can I get their business, too?”

So I tell my employees to stop saying “Merry Christmas,” and to instead say “Happy Holidays.” I also wipe off the Christian sentiments on the door and draw some snowflakes and snowmen.

In my savvy haste to make my store more inclusive and to remain competitive in the marketplace, the AFA will now rate me Red. Since I no longer use the word “Christmas” in my ads, I am defaulted to being AGAINST Christmas.

Using this logic, I can’t help but wonder what else I am AGAINST. Of course, I don’t own a store, but I do own a house (well, I have to pay the bank lots of money every month to say that, but I think you know what I mean). So as I look around my house, I am forced to ask: “What, dear self, am I obviously AGAINST since there’s no signage to indicate otherwise?”

First, I am AGAINST gay rights. You can tell I am AGAINST gay rights because my house is not painted pink, and I don’t have a “Homos are awesome” neon sign in my window.

Second, I am AGAINST a cleaner environment since I don’t assign my children shifts to stand outside and hug our tree and my kitchen floor is not made out of soy-free gluten-free reconstituted reclaimed cork.

Third, I am AGAINST democracy, since my children did not duly elect me to be their father. Also, my garage door is not styled as an American flag.

Finally (since this post is already too long), I am against dogs since I do not own any canines, I do not want the neighbor’s dog to poop on my lawn, and we have no time pieces in our home that accurately measure the passing of dog years.

Yes, AFA, peg me Red on all these counts.

Wednesday, 23 November 2011

So…here’s a fun family situation:

My mom will be visiting the Great State of Minnesota in December. Since her move to the Rocky Mountain State, she has visited several times…but never during that time period betwixt Thanksgiving and New Year’s Day. The problem (if you could call it that), is that our home – which she will surely want to see since we just moved in – will be all decked out for the Holidays…Kwanzaa, the Solstice, that Jewish holiday with, like, twelve spellings, and that one that celebrates the rebirth of the Sun God Ra.

It’s a tough situation, because I have no designs to take down the decorations, but my son is nervous about how grandma will react. Hmm. I don’t know. Back when I was a Witness, whenever I visited homes that were decorated for the holidays, oh…wait…I guess that never happened because all those people were horribly wicked and I wouldn’t have been caught dead at their Satanic lairs.

I suppose the best course is to tell my mom. I could just say something like, “Hey, when you come for a visit, keep in mind that we’ll have some holiday decorations set up, so don’t freak out.” Or maybe I’ll try to phrase it a little better.

I was talking with my ever helpful sister today, and she says that her plans are to decorate for Xmas (something she normally doesn’t do) with the express purpose of annoying my mom. Not sure if she really means that, but it certainly wouldn’t be out of character.

Anyway, I’ll let you know how it goes. The clock’s ticking…she’ll be here in a few weeks.

Thursday, 24 November 2011

Thanksgiving today.

In 2007, 2008, and 2009, we celebrated Thanksgiving with my family, which consisted of my sister, her husband, his brothers and his mom, and her boyfriend. In 2010, we went to Jennifer’s great aunt and uncle’s house in Wisconsin. The Wisconsinners were elsewhere this year, so we went to Jennifer’s parents’ house, which is a lot closer.

Here’s what I’m thankful for:

I am thankful that I do not have to work today or tomorrow – for my employer or for the capitalist machine. Yep, that’s right. I am not going to any stores today or buying anything online. Same goes for tomorrow.

I am also thankful that my wife and I no longer have to spend Thanksgiving at the Kimballs’ with my sister-in-law and other assorted friends where we talk about how great we are for abstaining from that sinful holiday of Thanksgiving in which families get together and have dinner.

I am also thankful that the beer brewing in my basement tastes way better than this canned foam I’m swilling right now.

I am also thankful that I live with awesome people in a sweet house in a cool city in a clean state in an affluent country on a beautiful planet in my favorite quadrant.

Friday, 25 November 2011

Priority #1 today was getting the new garage door opener to work correctly. It wasn’t priority #1 in that it was the absolute most important thing I could possibly spend my time on today, but it was priority #1 in that accomplishing this task would open the way for other tasks to be completed (figuratively and literally). It’s kind of like putting on pants in the morning. It’s not that putting on pants is the most important task you will do all day, but it will allow you to get other things done.

I assembled and installed the garage door opener last weekend. The task required about 2 hours one day and 2 hours another day. This, apparently, was quite amazing, as a couple of my co-workers expressed that they were impressed with my ability. I told them it wasn’t that big of a deal because, 1) I installed a garage door opener once before and 2) the door still was not opening correctly.

When I pushed the button, the motor kicked on and the chain began moving. It proceeded about 6 inches, then stopped and reversed. Last week, I checked out the troubleshooting page of the instruction manual which, typical of such manuals, was completely useless. Here’s basically what options it laid out for me:

1) Is the power connected?

Um, yeah, otherwise it wouldn’t work at all.

2) Do you need to increase the force?

Well, I hope not, I have it set at maximum.

3) Are the sensors aligned properly?

Yes, otherwise the chain wouldn’t move at all. Regardless, the two sensors are sitting about 2 inches apart facing each other and the “ready” light is on, meaning they are aligned.

So…that’s it. The only other help offered was to call the manufacturer. So that’s what I did during my lunch break back on Wednesday. Here’s how the conversation went:

Press 1

Press 3

Press 4

Press 3

Press 1

Press 1

MANUFACTURER (SHE): Hello sir, what’s the model number of your garage door?

ME: I don’t know, but it’s either…

SHE: Well the number is located under the light bulb fixture. Do you have one or two bulbs?

ME: One.

SHE: Yes, it’s under the bulbs.

ME: Oh, but I’m not home right now.

SHE: Well then how do you expect me to help you?

ME: I figured I would just tell you what’s wrong and you would give me some options. But if that’s too much trouble for you…

SHE: No, sir, it’s not too much trouble. But it’s just like when you call the doctor’s office. They can’t help you unless you can describe the issue accurately to them.

ME: Yeah, and that’s what I am prepared to do right now.

SHE: If you think you can, then go ahead.

ME: (lots of info about the above problem)

SHE: Okay, here’s the problem. The opener thinks your door is open right now, so it tries to close the door, but doesn’t sense any weight. You need to loosen the chain and manually pull it down the other end.

ME: Okay, thanks.

So that’s what I did. Problem solved.