Tuesday, 19 April 2011

So, as the dust has settled after the lay-offs at my job, I have now found myself in possession of  a Galilean Thermometer. This is one of those devices that, like Newton’s Cradle, Mechanical Puzzles, Ant Farms (all of which have been on my desk at one time or another), and Magic 8 Balls (which has never been on my desk due to it being created by Satan), has come in to the popular culture as a way of saying, “I like crap sitting on my desk, but it has to be nerdy.”

One problem with the thermometer is that the numbers hooked on to each bulb are nearly unreadable. I have to be within two feet of the bulbs in order to read them. Would it have killed the manufacturer to print the numbers in a different color from the disc they are on? Also, since the bulbs are free-floating, there’s nothing compelling the numbers to face the “right” way; they are often parallel to my line of sight and, thus, impossible to read. If I try turning the whole thermometer, the bulbs remain stationary, and the discs are no easier to read.

But here’s the bigger problem: this thermometer is absolutely no fun inside a perfectly climate-controlled building. According to the device, it is currently 76 degrees in the building, a value which has remained unchanged in the seven years I have worked in close proximity to it.

I’m thinking of bringing the thermometer home, where our fluctuating kinetic energy (due to opening windows and turning down the heat at night and not having central air) all would conspire to give the little bulbs some action.

…But, we all know what happens when fragile glass objects are displayed in our home.

Wednesday, 20 April 2011

So, I need to register for class today. Of course, I definitely will sign up for a class for the upcoming fall semester (which runs, roughly, from Labor Day to Kwanzaa), but I’m also considering signing up for a summer class (which runs, roughly, from Jill Biden’s birthday to Independence Day).

“Hey,” you ask, “why haven’t you ever signed up for a summer class before?”

“Hey,” I answer, “that’s a great question.”

The thing is, the tuition reimbursement my employer offers is not infinite. This differs from the cost of tuition at Hamline which, essentially, is infinite. Basically, I can take two courses per reimbursement calendar (which, inexplicably, runs from December 1st – November 30th). As you’ll recall, I did not take a class in the fall of 2010, as I was still helping out around the house while Isla configured her neck muscles and my wife reassembled her uterus.

Therefore, the year running from December 1, 2010 – November 30, 2011 is one in which I will only have taken one class. Yes, yes, like I said, I will sign up for one for the fall, but since that one runs until Hanukkah, it will be counted towards the December 1, 2011 – November 30, 2012 year.

So, I’m trying to decided if I can fit in all the work that’s likely to be required. Since the summer course only runs about a third the lengh of a fall or spring course, the work is compressed into less time, and I have to find more time available to do the work. One option is to not sleep, which is a great idea (on the surface), because I have long lamented slumbering as a waste of time, and this might give me the impetus I need to forego this wasteful habit. Another option is to do my homework in the car, whilst commuting to and from work. I’ve done that before, with surprisingly stunning results, so that might be the best option.

One class I am considering is titled “Women in Literature,” which sounds like a combination of my two favorite things in life (not to be confused with “Film and Beer,” a class that combined my two second-favorite things in life). So I’ve emailed the professor, requesting a syllabus so that I can gauge the workload. To my delight, she promptly responded with a course schedule that, among other things, included a film viewing. Holy crap! This might be the best class EVER (assuming I can show up with beer).

Saturday, 16 April 2011

So, despite what I had guessed, I actually had time to complete the book Proofiness. I finished reading it this evening and, I gotta say, it’s the best book I’ve read this year.

The author (Charles Seife), spends much of the book discussing elections. It’s here where counting, statistics, polls, and politics all converge to create some crazy numbers.

Seife discusses the 1936 election – in which one magazine claimed to know (to within 0.5%) the outcome of the election. They claimed Governor Alf Landon would win. Yeah…he didn’t win. He only recieved ~35% of the popular vote. How did the pollsters make such a huge mistake? Seife points out that even though their margin of error – their statistical error – was very low, they had neglected to factor in their systematic errors. In fact, that’s one of Seife’s points: when you read or hear about the results of a poll, you invariably hear about the accompanying “margin or error.” Yes, that’s nice, but what’s more important it taking into account statistical errors.

Predictably, Seife also devotes space to the whole “Dewey Defeats Truman” prediction, and the razor thin margin between Bush and Gore. What was surprising, however, was Seife’s chapter on the Franken vs. Coleman election. He goes into detail about the mathematical wrangling that took place, how certain ballots were contested and why, and why Minnesota does, in fact, have a very good set up for voting and for recounts. Seife notes that such a minor difference in totals would have totally baffled most other states. He also points out that such a small difference is beyond our ability to count. Counting, after all, is just another form of measuring, and all measurements have an inherent inaccuracy. Seife concludes that the Minnesota Senatorial election (and the 2000 Presidential election) should’ve been decided legally: in cases of a tie, lots are to be drawn.

Here’s a funny thing: did you know the Senatorial race lost one vote to Lizard People? It’s true, and Seife includes an image of the ballot to prove it. Basically, some voter decided to write-in “Lizard People” for every position on the ballot. The voter also dutifully colored in the oval next to the words “Lizard People.” Except in one case: Senator. There, the voter wrote in “Lizard People,” but colored in the oval for Franken.

Naturally, Franken’s camp declared that to be a vote for their man. “Not so fast,” said Coleman’s camp: the voter clearly meant to vote for “Lizard People.” Franken then argued that the oval was colored in next to his name and, therefore, even if the voter meant to vote for “Lizard People,” election officials can only count who the voter actually did vote for.

But then, Coleman pointed out that Minnesota law states that if a voter writes in a candidate, then they have voted for that person – regardless of what else they do on the ballot. Franken then countered that, while that may be true, “Lizard People” is not a person, it’s clearly plural, rendering the write-in invalid and thus counting the ballot for Franken. But Coleman pointed out that “People” is a real last name, and there is no way to determine if, somewhere, there is a person named Lizard People and that – in the opinion of the voter – is the best person for the job.

Sunday, 17 April 2011

Today I took Owen to yet another birthday party. It had, after all, been over two weeks since his last birthday party, so he was due for another one. This time, we ventured over to Pump It Up.

We had been to a Pump It Up once before – though I don’t think Owen has any recollection of the event (he was only 2). Man, it’s a loud, wild place. As you can imagine, Owen was a bit overwhelmed at first. The birthday boy had invited over 20 of his friends, and they were all excitedly jumping around and screaming even before the party ‘officially’ began.

Owen later said that he wants a birthday party at Pump It Up. I’m not so sure about that. For one thing, it’s gotta be quite pricey (especially when you include food and gifts for all in attendance, as this boy’s family did). But more importantly, I don’t really care for how orchestrated the whole thing is. When we showed up, for example, we were directed to put our gift into a big box that was later ferried to the party room. I didn’t like the idea of not being able to give the gift to the birthday boy ourselves. Also, the whole thing was tied to closely to the clock. First the kids had to watch a video, then they had to go, single file into one room, then another room, then another room. When it was time to eat the food, they were repeatedly told to sit down. When the birthday boy was opening his presents, everyone was trying to speed him along because they had to clear out the room for the next party.

I told my wife that maybe we could do that when Owen is older but, for now, I like his birthdays to be more laid-back affairs with family and friends.

Monday, 18 April 2011

Today, as I was driving home from work, U2’s song “Desire” came on the radio. It’s definitely a superb driving song: it’s got a fast, moving beat that doesn’t let up – it’s no wonder the song exhausts itself in less than three minutes.

Anyhow, as I was singing along, a car full of young ladies pulled up beside me with their windows rolled down. They were singing and clapping to the very same song. My windows weren’t rolled down, but they must’ve noticed my lips lining up to the words of the song, because they deliberately tried to get my attention and then, when I looked over at them, they waved their hands in the air excitedly, as if we had just made some sort of U2-connection. Then I plowed into a truck. Just kidding.

Anyway, they sped on down the road and veered east when I headed south. All I could think was, “Man, I’m so cool.”

Also today, I watched to movie Zombieland. I’m not, as a rule, a fan of the whole zombie subgenre, but I must admit that this was a very fun film. I enjoyed Columbus’ “rules,” especially, and how they were visually inserted into the film at various points. As you may recall, I read Night of the Living Trekkies last year, and I found that to be quite the page turner. So, who knows? Maybe I am getting into zombies.

Friday, 15 April 2011

So, first, I received a PowerPoint presentation today. It was titled “Memorial Reminder.” Not sure why I was included on this email…I know full well when the Memorial is scheduled, and thanks to years of indoctrination, I don’t think I will forget its appearance every full-moon-following-the-vernal-equinox each year. For those who don’t know, the Memorial is the one holiday that Witnesses do observe (though they are loathe to term it a ‘holiday’). It’s basically their version of Mass – a morbid meeting (on top of all the other meetings) in which wine and bread gets passed around to everyone in attendance. Lest that sound too exciting, bear in mind that almost no one (<0.01%) partakes of the comestibles.

Anyway, I thought I’d share some of the Power Point slides with my loyal readers here:

Okay, here’s slide #2, and all I gotta say is…CREEPY! God knows EVERYTHING about me? And that’s supposed to make me feel good? Does he know I have a nose hair that’s been itching me all day? Does he know that I just scratched my genitals? Why does he know these things? Why does he want to know these things? Like I said, CREEPY!

So now he even knows things about me that I don’t know about myself: he knows how many hairs I have on my head. Again, why? And, CREEPY! As a supplemental question, where does my head end and my neck begin? I mean, I think something like that could make a radical difference in the number of hairs that are on my head.

But here’s what’s really bizarre about this slide: he knew me even before I was conceived! Holy shit! That means he foreordained that my parents would get together and copulate on the night that they did. Weird. Why was it so important to him that my parents reproduce – especially considering my parents had a lousy marriage that ultimately ended in divorce? And if he knew me before I was conceived, does that mean he knew everyone…even…Hitler! And did he know the babies that resulted from rapes? ‘Cause, wow, he should’ve done something about that. And did he also know all the fetuses that were conceived, but ultimately miscarried? Why did he want to fertilize eggs, only to abort them? Damn, God has committed a lot of abortions in his time. I sure hope Congress tried to defund God.

So, the only reason why I’m not offended by this slide is because I have a standing SOP that stipulates I never get offended about anything. However, if I was to get offended, I would say this slide is offensive.

Look at the first (mis)quote: “And I brought you forth on the day you were born.” Um…no, Jehovah, you didn’t. My mom carried me in her womb for many months, and she – not the doctors, not the nurse, not my dad, and certainly not any fictitious characters – delivered me into the world. Having attended the births of both of my children, I find this (mis)quote to be insulting to women like my wife who, with much effort and pain, “brought forth” new life.

Now look at the third and fourth (mis)quotes: “I offer you more than your earthly father ever could…for I am the perfect father.”

Huh. That’s funny. I don’t remember Jehovah doing jack shit to pay for my food, clothing, education, or medical care when I was growing up. What I do remember, however, was my father working long hours, often on the weekend, often with two jobs, battling traffic, injuries, health problems, and lousy bosses, just to pay for our crappy cars, our mobile home, and our hand-me-downs. My Dad is far from “the perfect father,” but he did (and does) a helluva lot more than Jehovah. (For one thing, my “earthly father” actually talks to me – and that makes him way superior to Jehovah regardless of any other trait.)

Now here’s an interesting slide. For one thing, it directly contradicts the previous slide: He will give me the desires of my heart only if I delight in Him? What does that mean? And, anyways, in the previous slide, he just said he wants to lavish his love on me simply because I am his child. So which is it: Does he want to do stuff for me by default, or do I have to cough up some ‘delight’?

The slide also claims that Jehovah can do for me than I can possibly imagine. I love statements like this because they are so easily testable. I can imagine that Jehovah can make $100 appear out of thin air and land on my keyboard in the next minute. Let’s see if it happens.

…

…

…

…Hm. I guess that statement is false.

Here are some statements I don’t even have to test; I already know they’re false. Again, Jehovah, stop demeaning my “earthly” (i.e., “real”) father: you never comforted me in my troubles. The slide also claims that God is close to me when I’m broken-hearted. Huh. That’s funny. Because, in the past, when I would sincerely pray to God requesting his help, he didn’t do Jack Squat. He didn’t even pat me on the head and say, “I’m sorry, I wish I could make it better,” like my earthly father did. He must’ve been too busy counting my hairs.

Okay, I could write a book about this slide. But for now, I’ll just say this: If you know me personally, and you happen to have children, please don’t think that “giving up” your children will somehow impress me and make me love you. Instead, just invite me out to lunch or a movie, or send my wife and I a card on our anniversary. Thanks.

…Sorry, I’ll be taking my son – my earthly son, who I have no thought of “giving up” – to a birthday party. Also, I’ll be busy counting his hairs.

Also, best video this week. Representative Crowley (D-NY) is now one of my favorite congressmen. In case his style looks slightly familiar, it’s ’cause he’s copying ‘Weird Al,’ who, of course, was spoofing Bob Dylan.

Wednesday, 13 April 2011

Four people from my (former) department were laid off today. This brings the total number of people in that department from 15 on Monday, down to 9 today. Wow. They’re a vanishing breed.

My new job is in the packaging department. To clear up the misconception everyone seems to have about this: No, I am not working in the receiving dock nor am I working in shipping. When I say “Packaging” I mean the housing that the medical devices are directly stored in. If I worked for a condiment company, it’s kind of like I just stopped testing the mustard and will now test the mustard bottle.

Yes, the containers also need to meet rigorous specifications.  Think of it this way: it does little good for the FDA to regulate, say, Advil, if the Advil can simply be poured into a pick-up truck and dumped off in Target Pharmacy’s parking lot. The bottles that contain the Advil need to meet certain stress, impact, shear, temperature, permeability, air pressure, and cosmic radiation considerations. Okay, so no one’s said anything to me about the danger of cosmic radiation on catheters, but everything else I said was true.

Thursday, 14 April 2011

I received my copy of So Beautiful or So What in the mail yesterday. I’ve gotta say, the packaging is, well, beautiful. It’s a triptych featuring three sleeves: one on the left, one in the middle, and one on the right. The one on the left houses an envelope with a guitar image on it. The CD is inside that envelope. The center sleeve houses a booklet, with another picture of the exploding DNA on the cover. The booklet has all the lyrics and a two page write-up by Declan MacManus.  The sleeve on the right houses an envelope with a microscope image on it (very appropriate – as it connects both the the DNA on the cover and the idea that what’s in this envelope will give fans a closer look). There’s a DVD inside that features a live performance and a making-of filmlet. I haven’t checked out the DVD yet.

The album is very reminiscent of Simon’s last two albums – You’re the One and Surprise. In fact, I’d say this album is a combination of the best of both of those two. Overall, it’s a little too laid back for my preference, but not as laid back as You’re the One. The sounds and lyrics reminded my of Surprise, though there were a few things that made me think “Yep, this is the guy who created Graceland” – such as when he sings about  a “bomb in the marketplace.”

Simon continues with his two favorite themes again: the limits on communication, and the sense of isolation we can sometimes feel in the presence of new people, places, and technologies. There’s more of an air of mortality and finality here than in earlier works which, I guess, is to be expected from someone who’s been in the business for 50 years and is nearly 70 years old.

There’s also an instrumental track named “Amulet” (the shortest track on the album). This was a pleasant surprise that I almost missed (it is, of course, not given any space in the lyrics booklet). I can’t recall any instrumentals in Simon’s other solo work.

Overall, I enjoyed the album. It’s a little earlier to say for sure, but I think I like it better than There Goes Rhymin’ Simon, One Trick Pony, You’re the One, and even The Rhythm of the Saints. It is, of course, not as good as Graceland. Probably on par with Surprise or Still Crazy After All These Years.

And now that I’ve said that, you should be able to score pretty admirably at THIS QUIZ.

Saturday, 09 April 2011

So I started reading the book Proofiness today. So far, it’s an absolutely fascinating book – the kind where I would like to just sit down and read it cover-to-cover with no interuptions. The author, Charles Seife, also wrote the book Zero, which likewise was another great read.

Proofiness, subtitled The Dark Arts of Mathematical Deception, delves into the world of statistics, charts, graphs, and other number-related areas and discusses how data are misinterpreted and manipulated. I’ve read books like this before, such as 200% of Nothing and (my favorite): Innumeracy. I highly recommend these books for understanding the numbers that we hear and see reported to us from the media and (especially!) from advertisers. Since reading Innumeracy, for example, I have notices all sorts of numerical dishonesty, which has helped me in my pursuit to be a responsible citizen, cautious buyer, and all-around nay-sayer.

The problem, however, is that Proofiness is so popular, I had to wait months before a copy was reserved for me at the library. Now that I have a copy, I am deluged in readings for college and book reviews, so Proofiness is not getting the attention it deserves. In fact, I picked the book up from the library two days ago and I’m only now starting to read it. I fear it will be due before I can finish it – and since it’s so popular right now, I can’t renew my copy.

I just may have to break down and buy a copy. I guess it would be worth it.

Sunday, 10 April 2011

My wife and I are working our way through the entire Seinfeld catalog. (And if you need to click on the link I supplied…jeez, where have you been?) We just started last month, and tonight we watched three episodes from season two, including “The Apartment” (and, yes, every episode of Seinfeld has its own Wikipedia page).

In the apartment, Jerry tells Elaine that the apartment directly above his is open for rent. Elaine literally jumps at the offer and, sight unseen (and sound unheard) accepts the apartment.

Jennifer and I agreed that this is really a New York City thing. This sort of subculture – in which people have to wait until apartments become available seems unique to that metropolitan area. Here in the Twin Cities, it’s different – you pretty much just decide where you want to live, and begin looking in that area. There are plenty of apartments to choose from.

Oh – here’s another fun fact about Seinfeld: all the episodes (except one) begin with the word “The.” This results in some pretty strained names – such as “The Serenity Now” and “The Puerto Rican Day,” but most of the titles make sense. I gotta say, I love the way sitcoms name their episodes, and I don’t know how I managed back in the days before the internet when episode titles were not so readily available.

Monday, 11 April 2011

So, we’ve been very good about going on walks lately. The warmer weather sure helps. I put Isla in an ergo and off we go (hey – poetry!). Today, for the first time in the week that we’ve been venturing outside for walks, Isla started getting fussy and crying. It seems she didn’t want to be in the ergo. We stopped at a playground, Jennifer nursed Isla, Owen played on the equipment, and I just say around. Then Isla was fine and she snuggled right in to the ergo. She’s an easy, easy baby to take care of. I think, if Isla had been born first (and under similar circumstances), we would probably have five kids by now.

Hold it – I just totally said that without thinking it through. The truth is, each of the four subsequent pregnancies, births, and dispositions of the babies would have also had to match up with Isla’s pretty well, and that would’ve been a long shot. Still, I hope you get my point.

Also today, a co-worker sent me this video today: When Harry Met Sally 2. It’s a bit disjointed, but I thought it was funny.

He also sent me this: The Geek Zodiac. The reasons for the years are a bit contrived, though I’m not sure how they could’ve done it otherwise. I was born in the Year of the Superhero.

Tuesday, 12 April 2011

Exam #2 in class today. Like the first exam, this one consisted of two parts: a matching game (yep, the professor actually calls it a ‘game’) wherein we are given a list of ten excerpts from various narratives and we have to match them up with the appropriate author. I got all of these correct. I mean, unless I made a really stupid mistake that I didn’t even notice – like putting my own name in blank #5 instead of the name of the appropriate author.

The second part of the exam consisted of making a claim about one or more of the texts and then defending that claim with various quotes from the texts. I never really feel comfortable with this sort of test; I’m anxious to see what my score is. The scoring with essays is rather subjective, so I’ll just hope the professor likes what I wrote.

We were also given an assignment today. That’s no surprise, really, as the professor gives us an assignment on most days. But this one was different: instead of having to write a one-page essay, we have to draw a picture. Here are the instructions, word-for-word, as I copied them off the board:

“Draw your picture of The Fall of the House of Usher. You may be realistic, symbolic, stick figurishtic. Write a couple of sentences about what your picture says or what theme it is showing.”

An artist I am not. I’m just a eager to see what I’ll end up drawing as my professor is. If it doesn’t violate any code of academic honesty, I might just go ahead an post a scan of the picture up here on this site. Just, as they say, for shits and giggles.