Saturday, 14 May 2011

Today, my son is six years old.

He came into my bedroom a few minutes after 7:00 this morning, and woke me up in an annoying way (he calmly lifted one of my eyelids). After hobbling out of bed, we both stopped to use the bathroom. We reconvened in the living room. I looked at the clock and saw the precise minute of his birth had just passed, so I said, “Hey, you’re six years old as of right now!” And then, despite the fact that my parents always asked me this question and I never had a coherent answer, I decided to say, “How does it feel to be another year older?”

This afternoon, a party in my son’s honor was held at his grandparents’ home. Owen had a few family members present, and some of his peers – friends he has because Jennifer and I are friends with their parents, friends he has from preschool last year, and, of course, his two (non-cult-member) cousins and his baby sister.

Owen’s party had a Star Wars theme to it, which matched perfectly with the rest of his life lately. The majority of his gifts were Star Wars-related, including a puzzle, two Lego sets, and a Lego video game. Owen also received a bicycle from his grandparents. It’s funny, because he just didn’t seem to be able to take a hint. He opened one gift that was a bag to attached to a bike. Then he opened a gift of a bike horn, then a helmet, and then knee pads. My wife kept saying to him, “Oh, that would sure be nice with a bike, wouldn’t it?” Finally, she asked him, “Do you have a bike?” He thought for a moment and then mentioned the bike he received as a gift over 5 years ago – a bike that’s so small for him he hasn’t ridden it in over two years. Then my father-in-law brought in the bike, and (I think) Owen put the pieces together.

We drove home for the evening having had a great day, but I gotta say, it was quite difficult to set up. For one thing, Owen had initially said he wanted to invite some of his friends from Kindergarten. This is trickier than it sounds because usually parents just drop their kids off for a party like this and, well, we didn’t have room to have the party at our small apartment, so we decided to hold it at my in-laws’ place. But their house is so inconveniently located to everything, that we didn’t want to make parents come drop off their kid so far away. So, we figured we’d nix the idea of having his Kindergarten friends over. But then, guess what? The day after we sent out invitations, we received an invitation from one of Owen’s best friends in class inviting him to her party. So then we felt guilty for not inviting her. But guess what else? He party was scheduled for the same day as Owen’s…so, even if we had invited her, she wouldn’t have been able to make it.

Yeah, so really frustrating.

In the end, I took Owen to his classmate’s party (which started two hours earlier than his). I took an hour and a half to go buy Owen a birthday card and then sat in a cafe’ and studied for my upcoming final exam. I picked Owen up then sped on to his party. Today was a cold, dreary, overcast day – a far cry from his 1st, 2nd, 3rd, 4th, and 5th birthday celebrations, but right in line with the day he was born. We dined on ice cream cake and a free 6-foot party sub from Subway Sandwiches. After we arrived home, it took over two hours for our kids to unwind. Owen played his new video game and Isla just laughed maniacally at everything even after we were all laying down in bed. It was a good time.

Happy birthday, Owen!

Thursday, 12 May 2011

When I woke up this morning, I had initially planned on moaning about the realities of life; how it’s so impossible to succeed at anything and how even with great effort, it seems the best I can do is to just barely keep my head above water (this even applies literally – I’m a terrible swimmer). But, a couple of hours later, I realized that no one likes to read about self-loathing, unless it’s done in jest. Instead, then, I’ll do something that’s generally considered equally repugnant yet, somehow, more readable: I’ll just brag.

At the end of class today, the professor passed back our Connections Projects. These projects are worth 20% of our grade. I received an A on this project – on the final page, the professor even wrote, “Dude, you’re like my best student ever, LOL!” Just kidding. But he did write “The research is comprehensive and impressive. The writing is graceful and highly readable…This is excellent all around.” Oh yeah!

The great thing about this is that this means I’m heading into the final exam (which takes place on Monday) having accumulated all the points so far available. I have only missed five points this semester – two on the first exam and three on the second exam – but I scored an extra point on two assignments for doing outstanding work and just last week I turned in an optional assignment, which garnered me another three points. So, I have over 100% in the class right now. The final is worth 20% of the grade, which means that, even if I don’t show up to take the final, I still end up with a B.

(Well – that’s not exactly true. Not showing up to take the final would mean I haven’t done all the work for the class, giving me an ‘Incomplete’ for the class.)

I can only recall two other times in college that I’ve gone in to take the final exam with better than a 100%. This is good. As long as I get at least 50% on the final, I get an A in the class.

Bragging done.

Also (and I only mention this because it is of trivial pursuit-style importance), as of today, Queen Elizabeth becomes the second-longest reigning monarch in British history. Though Wikipedia’s calculations seem to indicate this milestone won’t be reached until tomorrow. If I was British, I would be saying, “Long Live the Queen!” but since I’m American, I’ll just say, “When in the course of human events… (and it just goes on like that for a long time, Thomas Jefferson was really quite the rambler).”

Friday, 13 May 2011

How about, instead of talking about my day, I tell you something my wife and my son did? Okay, I will.

My wife visited the Mall of America today. As is our custom, she parked on the Florida level, near Bloomingdale’s. Pushing Isla in the stroller, she walked through the hallway connecting the parking ramp to the mall and went in through the glass doors. There, in the all-glass entryway, was a bird fluttering around, trying to get out. The bird kept smacking against the glass and then falling down. Birds generally do this until they’re dead.

We’ve seen this before – including just a few months ago. On that day, Owen and I kind of chased-slash-cornered the bird and funneled it down the hallway and out into the ramp. I guess Bloomingdale’s can’t afford decals to put on the window that would allow trapped birds to at least see they shouldn’t slam up against said panes.

Anyway, so my wife went back out to the car today, grabbed on of our reusable canvas bags, then walked back over to Bloomingdale’s, waited for the bird to flutter down to the ground, then threw the bag on top of the bird, cupped it inside the bag, and then brought it to safety.

Meanwhile – at Kindergarten, Owen passed out temporary tattoos (at least, I think they’re temporary – oh man, we’re gonna be in big trouble if they’re not!) to all of his classmates while they sang “Happy Birthday” to him. Tomorrow is his birthday, incidentally. This, of course, brings to mind all those years when I was in elementary school and the kids passed out treats that they brought in for their birthdays. But back then, I recall the students all receiving cookies or cupcakes or some kind of candy. One year, a kid’s mom brought in a cake with a space theme, and there were little space shuttles and moon rovers on it, and I subsequently collected them all by trading with students for crap I had in my desk. Yeah, so, all that junk food. That might partially explain why my generation is one of extreme laziness and morbid obesity. The powers that be at Owen’s school, on the other hand, have requested  no junk food, so his generation will be one loaded up with stickers, crazy pencil toppers, and temporary tattoos.

At least, I think they’re temporary.

Sunday, 08 May 2011

This afternoon, my wife and I finished up a home video and uploaded it to Youtube. A few hours later, my wife checked her email and, alas, the video was removed.

No, we didn’t make porn.

It was a simple, 1 minute video of our kids playing with toy light sabers. Obviously, the best option for this kind of video is Star Wars music. Turns out, George Lucas is just as feisty about his copyrights as Disney, Apple, and Dr. Seuss.

“Hey,” you say, “Why pick on Lucasfilm and 20th Century Fox? They didn’t remove your video, Youtube did.”

Well, yes, that’s true. But Youtube has a policy of taking down pretty much anything that gets a complaint. If the complaint is due to the content being objectionable (e.g., nudity, extreme violence or gore), then Youtube often leaves the video up, but alerts the owner that changes need to be made. If multiple complaints persist, Youtube removes the video.

They’re a little less forgiving when it comes to copyright. If someone says, “Hey, they used my audio/video,” then Youtube just gets rid of it.

I can’t say I blame them. Copyright law is complicated and ridiculous. Even though our video’s usage was defensible under fair use (a short clip, no profit made on our part, no profit lost on Fox’s part), the power in this country goes to who has the biggest wallet, not who has the most cogent argument. So, if someone complains to Youtube, they are better off just removing the ‘offending’ video than trying to fight it. Justice is expensive.

Anyway, we’ll post the video at our site one of these days.

In the mean time, if you feel like seeing what our kids are up to these days, CLICK HERE. And, if that’s not enough, then CLICK HERE.

Monday, 09 May 2011

Okay, so here’s an article on Gun Control. You don’t have to read it. I don’t care. The reason why I’m mentioning the article is because of paragraph seven. So, scroll down to paragraph seven (it’s the one that begins “That’s the bad news”). Now read the last two sentences of that paragraph.

Did you do that? Okay, now here’s an article discussing bananas.

It’s a good idea, really. If you are going to write up an important paper, or a potentially contentious one, it’s smart to put in a little something to see if people actually read the damn thing. If you read the second article, it notes that none of the first 19 pages of commenters, evidently, read the article. I would like to know how many comments that is – after all, who tallies up comments by # of pages? – but still, that’s remarkable.

Actually, though, the case is a bit overstated, because that sentence wasn’t added in until later, meaning the first few pages of commenters are off the hook.

This reminded me Van Halen, who used to stipulate in their contracts to concert venues that their snack tray contain absolutely no brown M&Ms. Many people cite this as an example of rock-god extravagance, but in this case, the caveat was buried in the rider to assure people read the whole thing. If they showed up and there were brown M&Ms, then the band had reason to believe other, more serious aspects of the contract were breached.

Tuesday, 10 May 2011

Today, for class, we had to read the story Bartleby, the Scrivener, written by Herman Melville. It’s either a long story or a short book, so, I don’t really know what to call it. Besides Narrative of the Life of Frederick Douglass, it’s the longest single thing we’ve read for class.

Unlike Douglass’ story, however, I had never read this story before. In fact, I’d never ever heard of it before. I once tried to read Moby Dick (that’s Melville’s greatest hit), but after about 80 pages during which the only thing that happens is the narrator, Ishmael, walks into a tavern, I got to thinking that maybe I didn’t want to read the other 10 duotrigintillion pages. In view of this, it was unlikely that I would ever read anything by Melville. Alas, something was assigned for class, and so I found myself plowing through Bartleby over the last few days.

Here’s a funny thing about Bartleby, and I could say the same for many short stories from the 19th century: something’s missing. I mean, I keep reading thinking there’s going to be a big pay-off, or that the ‘mystery’ will be solved, but that never happens. It’s kind of like if Hitchcock had never filmed the last fifteen minutes of Psycho. Or, for you young kids out there, it’s like Pixar couldn’t be bothered to create the last fifteen minutes of Toy Story 3. I mean, either way, it’s a good story, but the end provided that exposition, that denouement, if you will (and I will), that wrapped everything up just right.

Still, I recommend Bartleby. It’s an early example of depression being depicted in fiction (this was back when they called it “melancholia,” though), and the head-scratching that will ensue was worth the couple hours it takes to read the short book. Or long story. Whichever.

Wednesday, 11 May 2011

Lending credence to my theory that religion is FUBAR, here’s an article about the Hasidic paper Der Tzitung. Looks like the local orthodox Jewish paper decided that printing an article about bin Laden’s assassination was very important, as was including a photo of VIPs observing the events unfold. However, since women are dirty, dirty creatures who do filthy things like birth babies and give men ‘sinful’ thoughts, then it’s only appropriate that the women in the photo be digitally removes.

It’s not like these two women were the waitresses or the cleaning staff (though the removal would still be as stupid), no, these two women were Director for Counterterrorism Audrey Tomason and Secretary of State Hillary Clinton. Tomason’s removal makes the picture kind of silly, because then Tony Binken is just kind of leering over Bill Daley’s shoulder for no reason – one has to wonder why Binken doesn’t just step to his left a couple of feet.

But the removal of Clinton makes the picture really stupid. Look at her: she’s the focal point of the image. My eyes went straight to her for two reasons:

1) She’s right in the freakin’ middle of the photo.

2) Apart from General Webb, who appears to be in mid-fart, she is the only human in the room displaying any sort of emotion. Yes, everyone else is showing a look of intense concentration and perhaps nervousness (again, except for Webb, who’s farting), but Clinton makes the image by offering it some non-bureaucratic emotion.

Here’s the real kicker, the photo was originally released on the White House’s Flickr page, the caption states “The photograph may not be manipulated in anyway.”

I must comment on a few good points other commenters brought out:

1) Do you think Bill Clinton looked at the altered photo and thought, “if it was only that easy…” Ha! Hillaryious!

2) If it’s wrong to have photos of women, ’cause they make men have dirty thoughts, then why is it okay to have pictures of men? Or sheep? Or watermelons? Or apple pies?

Oops…guess Der Tzitung went against the White House. I warn them: look at the people in that picture: they are not to be messed with.

How fast can you subitize? Here’s a fun game in which to find out.

Friday, 06 May 2011

While working by myself for some time in the lab today, I decided to turn on NPR. I don’t normally listen to that station at work, since it’s too distracting to communicate with co-workers while trying to pay attention to a story but, like I said, I was alone today. Unfortunately, though, NPR was having their membership drive – in which they dedicate about 20% of each hour to telling listeners how awesome they are at producing the other 80%. Then, after listening to this repetitive self-congratulatory advertising for several minutes, they ask how much it’s worth to you. I eventually had to just it off.

In the afternoon, I picked up Owen from school and we headed over to the local theater to catch a showing of Rio. This ends what is, I believe, the longest spell of not going to the theaters that I’ve experienced in my entire life. I hadn’t sat down in a movie theater in over nine months – since just before Isla was born. Anyway, yeah, Rio. Decent flick. It’s definitely not a Pixar, that’s for sure, and many of the plot developments could be spotted about a half hour away. There is some groan0inducing rapping, a pointless venture through the Carnival Float Contest, and a tired recycling of they-think-they’re-so-cool side characters. It’s directed by Carlos Saldanha, who directed the first Ice Age film, and it even began with a short filmlet featuring the squirrel from that franchise. Incidentally – that filmlet was funny, but how over-done is it that that squirrel can never find a good place to hide his acorn? Are there no other ideas from the Ice Age/Rio team? Additionally, Rio stars (the voice of) Jesse Eisenberg. After not even hearing of this guy at all four months ago, I have now, in short order, seen three of his films. It appears he plays only one character. Perhaps, like Jack Nicholson, he’ll be able to parlay this into a multi-Oscar winning, decades long career.

Still, Owen liked it and even declared that he wished to own the movie on DVD. I told him it’s not on DVD yet, so he said maybe we could come see it at the theater next Friday. I said, “Well, why don’t we just wait until Xmas, and I’ll but it for you then.” He said he wanted it for his birthday, and then I had to remind him that his birthday is only 8 days hence, and it’s highly unlikely Rio will be available on DVD by then.

I also watched the latest episode of Community today (it aired yesterday). Since this week’s episode was only the first of a two-parter, I think I’ll hold off until next week to write about it. However, at the moment, I think this latest episode, “A Fistful of Paintballs,” is the worst one so far – worse, even, then last week’s entirely mediocre train wreck.

Saturday, 07 May 2011

Today, for the first time in my life, I ventured inside a YMCA. Jennifer has come up with the idea of joining the Y for health and fitness reasons, so we decided to look into it. I filled out a questionnaire while she was talking with one of the employees. Among other things, it asked where I first heard about the YMCA, but none of the listed options said “Village People song,” so I left that part blank.

We also stopped at a party store, too, today. We purchased lots of items for Owen’s upcoming birthday party and, wow, all those little things add up pretty quickly. We were trying to find a few things that were Star Wars-related. We found some, but…it’s odd how much of the paraphernalia deals with the fighting aspect of Star Wars. I mean, why can’t they have plates with C3PO and R2D2 on them, or Yoda grimacing for the camera? Most of the Star Wars party supplies showed Luke and Vader fighting, or some ship blowing something up. I guess it is called Star WARS, and so maybe I shouldn’t complain.

Thursday, 05 May 2011

So here was my very full day – very full despite the fact that I didn’t even go to work. I’ll try to be brief…

This morning, I took Owen to school. This is normally Jennifer’s job but I hardly ever get to do it, so I figured I would do it today. After driving past a for-sale house to see if I liked its location (I didn’t), I arrived back home and Jennifer, Isla, and I took off to go brunch at IHOP. Here’s a stupid thing about IHOP: my wife ordered a meal that came with meat, but she asked the waitress if it would be possible to substitute the meat for something else, such as fruit. The waitress said she could do that, but she’d have to charge a dollar extra. My wife said that was stupid, since fruit costs less than meat (I was considering swapping my strawberry waffles for meat waffles in order to save a buck). The waitress said they had a no-substitution policy, which pretty much means its a we’re-not-gonna eat-there-again policy.

Just before noon, I drove to the state capitol. I’m happy to report that there was plenty of on-street parking, though I thoughtlessly arrived with no quarters for the meters. I rolled down my car window and asked this guy if he had change for a buck, and he said he was just leaving his spot, which still had a half hour on the meter. He also gave me four quarters for my dollar. However, it turns out each quarter only adds ten minutes to the meter, so I still needed more coins. I ran up to a woman (conscientious of the fact that I once scared the crap out of lady doing this once before) and requested a paper-for-coin swap.

My reason for going downtown was to attend the Day of Reason – a secular response to the ery unconstitutional Day of Prayer. I had to walk through a sea of fundamental Christians on the way into the capitol, so I stopped to film some of it (’cause that’s what I do!).

When I got into the capitol, I sat down in the first seat I saw. A guy sitting next to me said he recognized me from my photo in the Humanist. He said he keeps my article on his fridge for when Witnesses come to his door. And, guess what, some Witnesses did come to his door a couple of months ago. When he saw them approaching, he quickly reviewed the last paragraph of my article, wherein I offer suggestions on what to say to Witnesses. He asked them the questions. The first one (who do you shun?) they flatly denied, the second one (if I join can I hold dissenting opinions?) made the woman at his door cry, and the man took the Watchtower back. Oh well, poor Jared and Crystal. Maybe they’ll think about their cult a little bit now.

Anyway, the Day of Reason featured a presentation from a lawyer who fights for separation of church and state, and a state representative (Phyllis Kahn, who seems almost as cool as Steve Simon).

Afterward, I left in a hurry to get back to my hungry, hungry meter. I had to pause for a moment, though, to film some more of the people bowing down on the capitol steps. There was something oddly appropriate about fundamental Christians with their eyes closed and asses in the air.

Here’s the footage I shot. I added in some scriptures, to keep it real god-based: WATCH THIS VIDEO.

After stopping briefly at home, I took off for my University. There, I dropped off my big project to the professor’s office, then attended a “Poster presentation.” I had to attend one of the many “Honors Day” events today and write about it for class. The most interesting poster had to do with a study on how to tell the difference between bones that have been manipulated by animals and bones that have been manipulated by humans at archaeological sites (ask me in person). What did this have to do with my class? I have no idea, but I have to write about it just the same.

I then drove to Owen’s school and picked him up. He and I paid a visit to Tea Source, a store that’s a lot like Teavanna, only about half the price. Then we went to Patina to look for a gift for Mother’s Day. While inspecting the jewelery, one of the staff members said, “Are you guys shopping for Mother’s Day?”

Owen said yes, but I joked and said, “No, I just like to spend my free time looking at women’s jewelery.”

The lady laughed, but then said that I would be surprised how many men do come into the store just to do that very thing.

That evening, the four of us went for a walk (Isla free-loaded a ride in the stroller). We stopped at Mississippi Market to buy ingredients for tacos. It was, after all, Cinco de Mayo.