Tuesday, 24 May 2011

A recent discussion made me realize that there are some things that I’ve managed to never, ever purchase. Of course, there are thousands (millions?) of things that I’ve never purchased but listed here are six things that you would think someone like me would have bought at sometime, but, for whatever reason, I never have:

1. A couch

So, when I first moved out of my parents’ home, they generously gave me their downstairs couch. Later, after getting married, I brought the couch to my new apartment where it shared a living room with my new wife’s futon. Later, we trashed that old couch, but we used her futon for the next 10+ years. Her parents gave us an old couch to use for our basement and, later, my mom gave us her old living room set. At the moment, our futon is at my in-laws’ place, but we still have my mom’s love seat. There really has never been a moment in my life when I’ve thought, “you know, I need a couch.”

2. A new car

Sure, I’ve bought a few cars during my driving career, but never a brand new one. The closest I came was in 2000, when Jennifer and I purchased a 1997 Cavalier. I’ve said this before, and I’ll say it again: brand new cars are such atrocious wastes of money that I would have to be quite rich before I would feel justified in buying a new car. In fact, even if I was a billionaire, I would still feel that buying a new car was a waste of money, but such a purchase would be such a tiny percentage of my funds that I really wouldn’t mind – much as I don’t mind spending a quarter in those candy machines now.

3. A dining room table

As with the couches, Jennifer and I have just seemed to fallen into possession of dining room tables as time goes on. For a couple years, in fact, we even had two dining room tables in our dining room. For the last three years, we’ve used an office desk as our dining room table. We did buy this table from IKEA back in 2004, however, it was sold as a desk (not a table) and we used it as such for a few years.

4. A tool box

When I moved out of my parents’ house, my dad presented me with a refurbished tool box. He worked at a machine shop, so he was able to remove the rust, replace the handle, and repaint it. He even stocked it with some tools. It’s a big, heavy box that has served me well. Of course, a small tool box for carrying tools for smaller jobs is also handy…and Jennifer and I received one at one of our engagement parties prior to our wedding.

5. A snow blower

So, during my adult life, I’ve either been living in an apartment or been the owner of a townhome. In both cases, other people were paid to clear my driveway. The only exception is the three and a half years I was the owner of an actual house. Having only a one-car garage about 25 feet from the roadside meant that my driveway was not very large. Shoveling has always seemed like a great (if unwelcome) way to get some exercise. I don’t think I could justify a snow blower unless I ever own an enormous driveway. And, if I ever do, then I’ll probably be wealthy enough to hire the neighbor kid to come over with his blower.

6. Baby formula

We’ve never purchased baby formula, and the small amount of it that we have possessed we have given to others. When Jennifer was pregnant with Owen, three different baby formula companies sent us samples of their products. Jennifer told me to just give it to a food shelf, but I encouraged her to keep it on hand “just in case.” Thankfully, there was no need for the stuff so, when Owen was about three months old, I brought the formula into work and set it on a counter at my job. I then sent out an email to a few co-workers who also had babies and told them to take it if they wanted to. One co-worker came over to my cube and said, “Don’t you need it for Owen?”

I said, “No. It turns out, my wife has boobs, and they produce food for him. How awesome is that?”

We recently received another unsolicited canister of formula. I brought it to work again and, again, a co-worker asked if I was sure Isla didn’t need it. “Nope,” I said, “we give her better food than this.”

Wednesday, 25 May 2011

Today during the Toastmasters’ meeting, we had our annual election of the board members. Since I only joined Toastmasters six months ago, this was my first time participating in a full election, though I was present during the mid-term election of a new president when the previous president resigned due to a job change.

All seemed to be going well until the announcement was made for the sergeant-at-arms. Only one member was on the ballot, but when the secretary called for any other last-minute names, someone shouted out, “I nominate James.” Then, before I could even react, someone else shouted, “I second that motion.” I gave a “What the fuck?” look but it was too late: my name was on the ballot and, as there were now two candidates, we each had to get up and give a quick campaign speech.

The other guy got up first and spent his 60 seconds on stage detailing why I would be the best man for the job. I then got up and basically said that the other guy should have the job, since he asked to be put on the ballot and was not a last-minute addition. It’s not, of course, that I am adverse to being on the Toastmasters’ board, it’s just that I’m busy with other things. Already, I have requested to not be assigned any speeches in June due to a college class I will be taking that month. So…you know…what I am doing in the club is pretty much the maximum I can do without overloading.

I voted against myself.

Monday, 23 May 2011

The big local political news today is that, in the wee hours during the past weekend, the Minnesota House of Representatives passed a bill that will put same-sex marriage restrictions on the state constitution.

Here’s an article about that.

From a law-changing standpoint, this is a completely useless amendment to propose to voters. Minnesota state law already defines marriage between same-sex couples as illegal, so whether voters decide to add this to the constitution or not, same-sex marriage will still be illegal.

But there’s another standpoint to consider: the political one. The religious conservatives who came out for the 2010 election and gave Republicans control of both the Minnesota House and Senate for the first time in decades are going to be needed again to maintain that advantage. Adding an emotionally charged amendment to the ballot is sure likely to get more people to the polls than, say, if Mary or Greg should be State Auditor.

Additionally, conservative congresspeople were voted in on a platform of balancing the state’s budget and bringing Minnesota closer to a theocracy. So, in that way, these Senators and Representatives are only doing what they promised they’d do. Maybe this will help their constituents to remember them fondly in 2012 when their names again come up for a vote.

Though I am not a fan of either of the two controlling political parties in our state, it’s pretty easy to see which is the greater of two evil regarding human rights when we look at the voting roll call for this proposal:

What’s really strange is that two Democrats voted in favor of putting the amendment on the ballot. While I whole-heartily endorse political drones breaking ranks whenever they feel the need to (I hate the slavish adherence to party policy), it’s tough to see what these Democrats hope to gain.

Presumably, since they’re both religious, they must feel that their imaginary friend wants them to make sure same-sex marriage becomes, um, illegal-er. Presuming to know what a supernatural deity desires is, of course, megalomania. But I suppose if they lacked any predilection towards megalomania, they wouldn’t have sought political office in the first place.

I say they “presumably” voted on the bill for religious reasons, because I would certainly think this squashes any chance of reelection they may have been entertaining.

Denise Dittrich, from Champlin, barely squeaked by in her latest election. Despite being the incumbent, and winning with a 19% margin back in 2008, she won with only a 1.9% margin in 2010. When Champlin residents go to the polls in 2012, I would imagine that most Democrats would no longer support her. Meanwhile, conservatives – who may have approved of her vote regarding this amendment – will likely just stick with the Republican nominee for that district.

Lyle Koenen was the other Democrat to vote in favor of the amendment.

Anyway, with a governmental shut down looming, it’s good the Representatives were able to find time late at night on the weekend to put civil rights up for legislation. Thank you, elected officials, for not shattering any of the stereotypes I have about you.

If you live in Minnesota and plan to vote “Yes” on this proposal come Election Day 2012, I would enjoy your logical arguments on why this is a fair amendment and how it will help the citizens of our once great state.

Friday, 20 May 2011

I had a meeting to attend at my employer’s Arden Hills location at 9:00 this morning. Since I didn’t want to drive to my usual location, then have to retrace my steps back to Arden Hill and back, I just showed up for work at Arden Hills. This, of course, meant I started work about two hours later than I usually do, so I had to stay late, too. Ugh. I hate staying at work late.

In other news: Owen’s bike is finally in working order. He and I had to stop at Target yesterday evening to swap out a defective horn for an operative one. I also had to readjust his training wheels since I had originally positioned them too high. Training wheels are a delicate balance in more ways than one: if their situated too high, the inexperienced rider will lean too heavily. If they’re situated too low, the rider risks getting the back tire stuck in potholes or cracks – it just hovers there, suspended by the two training wheels – and there’s no way to move forward.

Owen rode to a nearby grocery store and back. He did very well. He had to stop three times to get off his bike, open up the pouch, take out his water and drink it. He claimed he was very thirsty, I think he just wanted to stop and play with the new pouch and water bottle. He also had a habit of stopping right before he ascends onto a sidewalk. This prevents him from garnering the inertia needed to drive up the slope. I gave him a little push on his back a couple of times to get him going, but he appears adverse to such assistance.

Saturday, 21 May 2011

This evening, I attended the Blasphemer’s Ball, a concert held at Hell’s Kitchen in Minneapolis and featuring four local bands. In celebration of what must be the 23,401,996th failed predication in the annals of Christianity, Harold Camping’s prediction of the rapture failed to materialize, so a bunch of blasphemers got together and decided to celebrate. The bartenders even created a new drink for the occasion, calling it “Rapture’s Delight.”

Really, though, the concert wasn’t about the rapture, initially. The organizer had considered a few dates in May to hold a benefit concert of non-believing local rockers, and I wrote to him suggesting this date as it coincided with the rapture prediction. Back then (February), Camping’s prediction wasn’t a big deal. Apart from one billboard new my home, it wasn’t getting any attention. But, if you Google around a little bit, you’ll see it became a bigger deal as it got closer. The Blasphemer’s Ball was even promoted in the local papers and WCCO TV as a fun event for people who know the rapture isn’t coming (i.e., anyone who’s not an idiot).

Concerts aren’t really my thing, neither is Minnecrapolis, but I managed to hitch a ride with a friend, so he and I dropped in and stayed for about an hour and a half. The place was packed. The venue was good, though. I hope this becomes a repeat performance, as I’d like to attend again.

In other news: my Uncle’s funeral was today. I decided not to attend as, from what I could deduce, neither of the two purposes of a funeral would be served by my attendance. Here’s his online obituary. If you knew him, feel free to leave a comment.

Sunday, 22 May 2011

This morning I was interviewed on the Atheists Talk radio show. In case you missed it (and didn’t mean to miss it), here’s the Quicktime file: CLICK HERE.

It was a difficult format for me. The headphones were awkward, and the announcer kept holding up fingers to indicate how many minutes we had remaining until the next commercial break. This made me constantly nervous because I didn’t know if I could proceed with my comment or if I should stop and left the interviewer (named Mike) wrap things up.

I think it’s nearly impossible in 45 minutes to give a good account of the basic beliefs of a religion, why I left that religion, and what the ramifications for doing so are. Maybe that kept it moving along well, I don’t know. In the future, I’d rather just discuss one aspect, such as just talking about what Witnesses believe and why, or detailing their love of shunning.

Either way, it was an enjoyable experience. I hadn’t heard my name on the radio since my KQRS myTunes playlist last October.

Thursday, 19 May 2011

My Uncle Jeff passed away today. He was 56 years old.
Jeff Jeffrey Zimmerman obituary memorial service  funeral
Uncle Jeff was a driven, passionate man who devoted much time and energy to things he cared about – especially his family and his faith. As the owner of a small business, he was a great provider for his family and had an awesome sense of humor – I still laugh when I recall witty words he said decades ago. He had a terrific fondness for an eclectic mix of music; he had the best cassette and CD collection of any adult I knew. For many years, he and I would greet each other before the meetings with a four-step handshake that only seemed to dissipate once I outgrew it.
Jeff Jeffrey Zimmerman obituary memorial service  funeral
Uncle Jeff and Aunt Debbie lived nearby when I was a young child – I recall going over to their home a few times and my mom warned my sister and me to be on our best behavior – “they don’t have kids,” she’d remind us, “so their house isn’t childproof and they don’t want you messing with their things.” We were told to be cautious around their toy poodle, too. After all, the dog (named Taffy) wasn’t used to the nervous energy of children, either.
Jeff Jeffrey Zimmerman obituary funeral
But perhaps that cautiousness was a bit undue. My Uncle and Aunt wanted children and, thus, were certainly not adverse to my sister and me. When I was very young, they took me and my Aunt’s brother (who was closer to my age than hers) to Valleyfair for the day. We were tall enough only for the kiddie rides and, after one trip around the roller-coaster, when the conductor asked if anyone wanted to get off, I shot my hand bolt upright, causing my Uncle and Aunt to laugh at my hurried insistence to be removed from the ride. One another occasion, my Aunt babysat us for the evening. She thoughtfully rented the movie The Goonies (excellent choice!) and passed out Skittles and a big gummy rat for us to snack on. Their dog snuggled next to us on the couch. And, after complaining all morning while out in the door-to-door work that my feet were cold, my Uncle took me to a store and bought me new boots. They were my favorite boots ever, and I wore them for many years.
Jeff Jeffrey Zimmerman obituary funeral
Later, they adopted a baby girl and my wife often served as her babysitter. Uncle Jeff was always excited to come home to his daughter – his child he had waited so long for – and he played with her and spent time with her as a father should. He asked Jennifer how his daughter had been during the day, and he loved to tell Jennifer about his daughter’s latest antics and interests.
Jeff Jeffrey Zimmerman obituary funeral
At a shower held for my new cousin, someone asked how their dog, Wheatie (yes, they named their toy poodles after food – not to be confused with my grandparents, who named their poodles after drinks) would take to the new baby. Uncle Jeff responded, “Wheatie who?” and then, after the laughter died down, added that he had spoken to his dog and explained, “It’s okay, Wheatie, lots of dogs sleep outside.”
Jeff Jeffrey Zimmerman obituary funeral
Another time, I was talking with Uncle Jeff and our friend Brian following a Watchtower Convention one afternoon. Brian and I attended Apple Valley congregation, while my Uncle attended Eagan. As such, he hadn’t seen or talked to us in a few months and we were checking in on each other. A (very conservative) elder from Apple Valley congregation approached us to say hello and my Uncle, pretending not to see this elder, looked at Brian and said, “So Brian, how’s Apple Valley Congregation doing? Are you still having trouble with the elders there?”
Jeff Jeffrey Zimmerman obituary funeral
Nevertheless, I feel it would be disingenuous of me to not point out that Uncle Jeff and I had our differences. Throughout the 1990s and 2000s, we engaged in several heated debates and discussions, often recruiting other family members as hapless supporters, and I purposely minimized my contact with him at several points during those years so as to avoid conflict. Now that I look back on it, it’s really too bad – he and I, after all, were both desirous of the same thing: he wanted his family to be the best Christians they could be, and I wanted my family to be the best Christians they could be. It’s just that, while he took the most conservative stance on matters (i.e., If there was any chance this could offend anyone, it’s best to not do it), I took a more liberal approach (i.e., If there is no scriptural ruling on a matter, then it’s best to live and let live). However, I don’t mean to dwell on these irreconcilable disputes – as I have claimed before, matters of religion often graft over a true personality and create a skewed persona. Uncle Jeff, like most of the family, shunned me for the past five years. This, like what I said above, is not something I hold against him, and had he ever wished to restart a relationship with me, I would have been all for it.
Jeff Jeffrey Zimmerman obituary funeral
My heart goes out to the family – particularly his devoted wife (my aunt) of 30+ years and his beautiful young daughter (my cousin). Despite the sadness that comes with such an early, untimely death, it is good to know that the tremendous suffering he has endured these past few months has at last come to an end.
Jeff Jeffrey Zimmerman obituary funeral
Here is my Uncle Jeff in happier times – he is pictured standing in the center. His parents (my grandparents) are seated, and Uncle Jeff is flanked by his four siblings. My father is second from the right. Don’t let that date fool you – this picture is from December 2009, about 15 months ago. Jeff Zimmerman memorial service memorial service eagan

Tuesday, 17 May 2011

Well, I’m gonna be on the radio on Sunday. CLICK HERE for more information. I’ll be interviewed on AM 950 KTFN at 9:00 in the morning so you might need to stay home from church if you wish to catch my interview. It probably goes without saying that I’m gonna be interviewed regarding the Jehovah’s Witnesses (since that is, embarrassingly, absolutely the only topic on which I am an expert): what do they believe, why did I leave, why do they shun former members, why do they hate beards…stuff like that.
Tune in and listen, if you’re not already sick of me from reading this blog. I think they set aside a time for people to call in, so if you want to ask any pressing questions you may have, now’s your time. If you can’t think of any questions, here are some suggestions:

-How long is a “generation” these days?
-Which scripture discusses the prohibition on rated R movies?
-Why don’t Witnesses celebrate birthdays? (You can ask it but, sorry, there’s no good answer.)
-Do women in the religion have separate drinking fountains to go along with their separate spots on stage?
-How many Smurfs does it take to clear a Kingdom Hall?
-If Witnesses are going to live forever on Earth after Armageddon, what sort of superpowers will they need?
-How come Witnesses hide their copies of Thriller?
-If New York legalizes same-sex marriage, will all the Bethelites finally be able to become “one flesh”?
-Is it true that a Circuit Overseer’s butt won’t kiss itself?

In other news…
Newt Gingrich, certainly one of the most disgusting men to hold the position of Speaker of the House in recent decades, was in Minneapolis this week. Here’s a video commemorating that event:

Also, dress codes are stupid. Good for this kid.

Wednesday, 18 May 2011

Tonight, before bed, Owen and I read the last chapter of Stuart Little, a book I have owned for over 20 years. Owen had recently seen the movie “version” of Stuart Little, and I wanted to balance that with the original – and far superior – rendition of the little person.
I must admit, I had almost entirely forgotten the details of this great story. I had remembered that Stuart was actually born into the family – not adopted as retold in the sanitized movie version. The book also makes a point of noting that Stuart ages quicker than his human relatives – he could walk as soon as he was born and within weeks of his birth, he was shimming up curtains.
I had also forgotten about Stuart’s friend Margalo, an injured bird with whom Stuart strikes up a loving friendship. Stuart, it seems, can speak the language of Margalo, and of the family’s cat Snowbell. (As an aside: I always find it odd and inconsistent how sentient animals are depicted in fiction. It appears they can understand humans, but humans can’t understand them. I don’t get it. Anyway…) Stuart and Margalo spend much time together. Later, correctly believing she is in danger, Margalo flees the Littles’ house. When she doesn’t come back for some time, Stuart goes in search of her. And here was a point that baffled Owen: why would a young mouse just up and leave his family like that? Though I told Owen that Stuart was ‘full’ grown, even though he was only about 4 years old, it still did seem odd that Stuart left without saying goodbye or leaving a note. It seems, if he did wish to find Margalo, he would’ve had better success had he recruited his parents and his older brother.
Stuart’s search takes him to the town of Ames’ Crossing – surely the best chapter in the book. Here’s how it begins:

In the loveliest town of all, where the houses were white and high and the elm trees were green and higher than the houses, where the front yards were wide and pleasant and the back yards were bushy and worth finding out about, where the streets sloped down to the stream and the stream flowed quietly under the bridge, where the lawns ended in orchards and the orchards ended in fields and the fields ended in pastures and the pastures climbed the hill and disappeared over the top toward the wonderful wide sky, in this loveliest of all towns Stuart stopped to get a drink of sarsaparilla.

Wow! Oh my god! This enormous sentence – rivaling in length something Thomas Jefferson would write (in fact, it’s quite a bit longer than the opening sentence of the Declaration), is undoubtedly one of the most beautiful I have ever read. After reading it to Owen, I had to stop and back up and read it a second time. I think it sums up the feeling of the whole book quite nicely. Later, when asked where he can be found, Stuart responds: “The highways and the byways are where you’ll find me, always looking for Margalo. Sometimes I feel that I’m quite near to her and that she’s just around the turn of the road. Other times I feel that I’ll never find her and never hear her voice again. Which reminds me, it’s time I was on my way.” Again: beautiful!

I was concerned that Owen would be upset at the open-ended conclusion of the book, and when I read the final words tonight, I looked over at him and saw that it took him a second to realize the book was over. He asked me what I thought happened to Stuart, but I turned the question around and asked him first. It seems Owen had already decided how the tale would end.
Happy.