Sunday, 23 October 2011

Today I made several small improvements on our new home; the kind of improvements no one would probably ever notice unless I pointed them out.

First, I installed a doorstop on the bathroom door. Until now, if you opened the door, it would swing open and hit the cherry wood cabinets. There’s already a gouge in the cabinet from where it has smacked into the cabinet for years. But thanks to a very inexpensive door stop, the problem is solved.

While in the bathroom, I also installed a door lock, so guests can now feel free ease nature without someone walking in on them.

Meanwhile, down in the basement, I removed the hardware and wires for the land-line phone. When we moved in, there was a phone hanging on the wall right next to the dryer. Why someone would need a phone there, I don’t know. Soon after we moved in, I removed the phone from the wall and threw it away, but it wasn’t until today that I unscrewed the jack and snaked the wires back through the floor beams to get rid of all the useless wires.

We all took part of the day to clean some of the boxes out of Isla’s room. While in there, my wife commented on the bottom drawer of the built-in dresser. Turns out, that drawer didn’t close all the way. I had noticed that, too, right when we first move in, but I never bothered to worry about it. At my wife’s instigation, though, I decided to take a closer look at it today. I removed the drawer and – wouldn’t you know it – the previous owner had dropped some clothing back there: a blue bandana and a pair of women’s boxer-style underwear. Nice.

Later, in the kitchen, I removed the front panel of the built-in radio and installed wall anchors. I then screwed the screws into the anchors and, I’m pleased to say, the radio no longer jiggles – it sits securely up against the wall now.

Finally, this evening, I replaced the beige colored screws on the light switch wall plate in Owen’s room with white colored screws. Now the screws match the plate color.

All in all, if you walked through the house this morning and again this evening, you probably wouldn’t notice anything different. In reality, though, I made lots of tiny improvements.

Please email me if you need a bandana or women’s underwear.

Monday, 24 October 2011

Is there someone you don’t like?

I used that phrase today – I said, “I don’t like her,” and the person I was speaking with immediately corrected me and said, “You mean you don’t like her actions.” I dismissed this as splitting hairs, but he insisted there was a difference.

Okay, I guess there is a difference, but I than clarified that when I say I don’t like someone I just mean that I’d rather not be in their presence. Granted, there’s a big spectrum of dislike: from just simply finding someone boring or obnoxious, to absolutely despising someone with every fiber of your being. But, either way, I don’t want to be around them.

I think this is a good litmus test for friendship: If I willingly place myself in your company, then be assured that I do like you.

Tuesday, 25 October 2011

Today I sold a cabinet we had removed from our house. The buyer came prepared with a pick-up truck and some bungee cords. I had posted an ad for a large (>7 feet tall) cabinet and two smaller ones. The woman ended up wanting only the large one.

Getting loaded into her vehicle was a bigger ordeal than I expected. We barely squeezed the four shelves and two of the doors into the cab. We then laid the cabinet itself onto the pick-up’s bed and secured it with all sorts of cords. The downside to the bungee cords is that they have a lot of flexibility, so the buyer was worried that the cabinet would go flying as she drove. I couldn’t really see how that would happen unless she took off from a stop light at an immensely accelerated speed, but I guess it’s better to be overly cautious. We hooked more bungee cords over the top, and I wrapped some packing paper around the hooks to prevent them from scratching the cabinet.

We then laid the two large cabinet doors inside the cabinet, and I placed an unfurled cardboard box in between them to prevent scuffing.

Bottom line: The woman paid us $80 in cash. This, plus the money I received for the broken statue last weekend, means that we’ve already made $90 off of stuff the previous owner left behind. I’m gonna keep track of this and see how much money I can rake in.

Email me if you want to buy a bandana.

Wednesday, 19 October 2011

At work this morning, my Galilean thermometer changed temperature for the first time since I acquired it 6 months ago. Specifically, the center bulb dropped from the top of the tube to the bottom. Evidently, this represents a rise in temperature from 72 to 76 degrees. I guess the folks in the facilities department must have turned on the heat today.

I also decided to write to the folks at Lowe’s discussing my poor experience at their Maple Grove location (See Here). The stupid comment box on their website only allowed for a certain number of words, so I had to truncate and re-truncate the text until it fit. Even then, I had to leave out the final paragraphs of my comments.

Anyway, today I received a message from their customer service department. They are sending me a $25 gift card.

Thursday, 20 October 2011

Today I watched the latest Community episode, “Remedial Chaos Theory.” The episode presents the same five minutes of the characters’ lives replay seven times with slight changes.

I could see this coming. As soon as the pizza arrives, the character Jeff proposes a roll of the die to determine who should go downstairs to get it. Abed then notes that by doing this, Jeff is creating several alternate universes. We then see the die tossed above the actors’ heads, pass through some kind of portal, and land back on the table. This scene is repeated six more times and, each time, a different scenario plays out in which a different character retrieves the pizza in each ‘universe.’

Theoretically, Abed is correct that the die toss results in several parallel outcomes, but the implication here seems to be that it is only during moments of pure change that this happens. Instead, every action in every microsecond from every character (not merely the one playing with a chance cube) results in an alternate timeline.

But let’s not get bogged down in the minutiae. This episode, which hearkens back to one of my favorite Star Trek episodes (“Cause and Effect,” also featuring a game of chance), is my favorite Community episode in quite a while.

Friday, 21 October 2011

Tonight Owen is sleeping in his bedroom for the first time. It took us longer to get his room ready than we had hoped (we hoped to have it ready by the time we moved in), but now it’s all painted and his bed is set up.

Besides painting, we also had to remove large, heavy, built-in shelves from his room. Those shelves are now sitting in the garage awaiting their fate. Jennifer replaced the bulb on the ceiling fan, cleaned and painted the blades, and affixed glow-in-the-dark astronomy-themed stickers to the blades. She also cleaned the molding. I replaced a broken outlet. Yesterday we carried in his furniture.

I also finished installing the rest of the downstairs’ bathroom’s ceiling fan. The previous homeowner had the wherewithal to install a fan, but didn’t bother connecting the tube to an outside vent. So, basically, turning on the fan just meant blowing the air all over the basement, which, I suppose, is a great way to spread the mold. For the steep, steep price of $15, I was able to purchase everything I needed to connect the fan to another tube that then led to an outside vent. A small garden snake watched me as I worked. I think he (she?) likes the warmth afforded by the dryer vent as I’ve seen her (him?) hanging out by that part of our house on a few occasions now. I’m thinking of naming him ‘James.

Saturday, 22 October 2011

Today was a very full day.

The electrician wrapped up work in our garage while, at the same time, a woman stopped by to purchase the statue of St. Anthony that the previous home owner left with the house.

Later, we all attended a Halloween party at a local community center. Owen wore his Jedi costume, and Isla wore her duck costume. I next had a conference call regarding the book I am co-editing. In the evening, we all went to Sea Life at the Mall of America. Owen has wanted to visit this attraction for months and he saved up his own money. My sister and her husband met us there. Afterward, we all dined at TGI Friday’s.

Here’s an interesting thing about today: as of today, our new house is no longer where I’ve lived for the shortest amount of time. In February and March of 1990, I lived with my grandparents for 42 days. And, since today is the 42nd day of living in our new house, I have now lived here longer than I lived with my grandparents. It’s still one of five places I lived for less than a year, but it’s gaining ground quickly.

Tuesday, 18 October 2011

A few weeks ago, we paid a visit to Lowe’s and spent just over a hundred bucks. I gave the cashier a $10 off coupon. Getting back in the car, however, I noticed I had a 10 percent off coupon which, in the case of our bill, would have meant a savings of just over a dollar. No big deal, I thought. Jennifer reminded me that we could use the 10% off coupon next time we went to Lowe’s.

Today, I stopped at Lowe’s to buy some screws. I had the 10% off coupon in my wallet and I thought, hey, instead of using it to save maybe 10 cents on a few screws, I will ask them to apply the coupon to my bill from a few weeks ago, thereby getting store credit of a dollar, which I can then apply to the screws.

So I walked up to the customer service counter. A young girl looked at the coupon, then told me that if I use the 10% off coupon, the $10 coupon would no longer apply. “I know,” I said, “but 10% off is, in this case, better than $10 off, so I’d rather use that one.”

She began typing away at her computer. After a few moments, she looked up and told me it would be a couple minutes because she had to essentially refund everything on the list and then re-ring it. I chuckled at the crazy nature of this process – at Target, for example, the cashier would simply ‘zap’ the coupon then ‘zap’ the receipt and, viola!, the computer would state the refund amount and I’d be given store credit.

After about two minutes, during which time she had to manually enter every item, she announced she had refunded me the total. I signed on some crappy screen. She then said she would now enter in all the items again, this time applying the better coupon.

After another two minutes, she told me my new total. It was higher than my original total.

“Um,” I said, “that’s not right. I should have gotten 10% off this time.”

“You did,” she said, “but it looks like it’s not as good as $10.”

“Well,” I said, speaking slowly for the typical American math student, “since I spent more than $100, then 10% is more than $10, so my savings should be higher.”

She wasn’t sure what to say (math can be like that sometimes), so she called over her manager. He double-checked the sale and said that his employee was correct.He then noticed that the tax amount was higher. I was confused, so he explained that the taxes in Hennepin County (that’s where we were) are higher than in Ramsey County, which is where he believes West St. Paul (that’s where the original sale was located) is.

I laughed, and told them I would not be paying the higher price – especially since I didn’t buy anything in Hennepin County and therefore should not be taxed for it. He said he didn’t know what to do, but since it was obvious I wasn’t about to sign for the sale – and he probably didn’t want me to just walk away with my $100+ refund – he typed in some magic manager code that allowed him to adjust the price to the original sale price. Why didn’t he give me the better price at that time? Good question. Lowe’s has a low price guarantee, but they evidently don’t stand by it.

I then walked over to select the screws I needed. Lowe’s keeps their screws in little bags which I ABSOLUTELY HATE for two reasons:

1. I can’t tell if the screws are the right size.

No big problem here, I just poke the screws through the bags. On this occasion, I found the right size screws on the third try.

2. That’s not how many screws I want to buy.

I only needed four screws. There were ten in a bag. Those assholes.

I went to the self-check out counter. It was acting funny, so an employee came over and said she would ring me up. She farted around with the self-check out computer for a few moments while she canceled my transaction, then tried ringing me up on her computer, only to announce that she couldn’t use my coupon because I had already used it.

“No I didn’t,” I said.

“Did you just return something?” she asked.

“No,” I clarified, “I tried using it to get a lower price, but your co-workers couldn’t figure out how to do that, so I ended up not using it.

She then typed in a special code and gave me 10% off on the bag of screws.

Anyway, that’s my last time at Lowe’s. I heard on the radio yesterday that they are closing several of their stores in the near future. Now I know why.

Monday, 17 October 2011

Did you ever read Douglas Adams’ The Long Dark Tea-Time of the Soul? If you haven’t, don’t bother; it’s barely better than adequate (there’s a reason why Adams is better known for The Hitch-Hiker’s Guide to the Galaxy). The reason why I bring it up is because there’s a moment in the story when the lead protagonist, Dirk Gently, becomes enthralled with a gadget (sorry, I don’t remember what it was – something unmemorable, evidently) – and I mean completely enthralled. The best line in the book occurs at this point. We read:

He had never before even guessed at the existence of such a thing. And to be able to move from total ignorance of something to total desire for it, and then actually to own the thing all within the space of about 40 seconds was, for Dirk, something of an epiphany.

I had  a similar epiphany today. Well, all except the owning part, which I’ll get to in a minute.

This morning, shortly after arriving at work, I checked on my favorite blogs, including Proper Noun Blog. She mentioned a local phenomena called “Little Free Libraries.” It was there that I was directed to a website about Little Free Libraries. She provided a link, but I was too lazy to click on it (come on, it was Monday morning).

A few minutes later, I received my daily email from AWAD. AWAD has over a million subscribers in tons of countries, so I was a little surprised to see a link to our local Star Tribune about…Little Free Libraries.

“Okay,” I said to myself (but not too loudly), “What’s the big deal here. I guess I HAVE to click on the link and find out.

Turns out, they look freakin’ awesome. Initiated by Stillwater-resident Todd Bol, Little Free Libraries are basically mailboxes on steroids that people install in their front lawns and stock with books. Passersby and other locals then come to the library (the whole ‘if you build it…’ thing) and check out books. They check them out by pretty much just taking them. But – on their honor – they’re expected to replenish the withdrawal with a deposit of their own, or, at the very least return the book when they’re done with it.

LFLs have popped up around the metro area, in other states, and even in Canada. More importantly, have I mentioned that, as of last month, I now have a yard? Yes, it’s true. And I have a corner lot, with a sidewalk wrapping around the west and south sides of my property.About three blocks away are several restaurants, a bank, and some place where people cannibalize Jesus’ body and drink blood, so my street gets a healthy dose of people parking and walking.

I so want a little free library!   My property is perfect for it!

Here’s the official site. As always, the only thing stopping me is money. I’ve considered setting Owen up with a lemonade stand for a few weeks. I was thinking at $50 a glass, we’ll have the money in no time, but I’m not sure how many people will be willing to pay that. So…for now, I don’t have one. But I’m putting a LFL on my wish-list.

Friday, 14 October 2011

Despite having seen her in person on more than one occasion, the folks at Metro Urology apparently don’t know that my daughter is one year old. If they did, they would probably know that my daughter has extremely limited linguistic capabilities, that she is incapable of signing her name, and that she does not read the mail.

First, she received this letter in the mail:

Never mind the incoherence of first stating they’ve attempted to reach her by phone, then immediately saying she “may have been” called (which is it?), what gets me is that they tried reaching a toddler by phone. And, when that didn’t work, they tried reaching a toddler by mail. Surprisingly, they were unsuccessful both times.

But wait! There’s more:

Turns out, when my wife took Isla to the clinic, she paid a co-pay that didn’t need to be paid. So, being decent people, they sent a reimbursement check. To Isla. I kid you not. Here it is:

That’s my daughter’s full name: Pay to the Order of Isla F. [Last Name]. Twenty-five big ones. (I blocked out personal information that needs to be concealed when posting an image of a check online, according to StuffYouShouldObscureWhenPostingChecksOnline.org.)

What do you do with a check like this? Well, frankly, I have no idea what you would do, but I know what we did: we had Isla sign the check.

I’m taking it to the credit union on Monday to deposit it in her account.

Saturday, 15 October 2011

Today we ventured to the mega-mall. We went in to the Apple store along with my wife’s computer. The store was packed! There was standing room only, and I could hardly hear over the noise. I counted 20 employees in just the back quarter of the store alone. There were so many people, some of them were forced to hang out in the nearby Microsoft store.

My wife had already booked an appointment with the Genius Bar and, despite the congestion, they were only running about ten minutes behind. Once she was called over to the bar to figure out her computer problems, Owen, Isla, and I took off for Worst Service. I mean Best Buy.

At Best Buy, I went over to the ‘customer service’ counter to return some speakers I had just purchased three weeks ago. Best Buy is legendary for their strict return policies: you need to bring in a receipt, it has to have been purchased within the last 30 days, there’s a 10% restocking fee, and about half of the stuff in the store can’t be returned at all.

Anyway, I set the speakers on the counter. I had no receipt with me. The employee said he could try looking it up on his computer. His Commodore 64 couldn’t find the purchase using my check card, ‘rewards’ number, or phone number. After giving him a rough estimation of the date of purchase, he was able to find the transaction using my wife’s phone number (she give that out to lots of guys, I guess). After carefully inspecting the speakers for signs of DNA, the employee announced he would allow me to return it. And more good news: no restocking fee. Evidently, they’re not legally allowed to scam people that way here in Minnesota. Go Minnesota!

A few minutes later, my wife walked into the store and announced that her computer was fully-functional once again. We tried playing virtual table tennis on Best Buy’s Playstation, but the interface was so confusing and non-responsive, we gave up after a few minutes, happy to have our decision never to buy a Playstation reaffirmed.

Sunday, 16 October 2011

Today I bought a package of leaf bags.

Leaf bags are those large plastic bags with an opening the tapers off into ties so you can fill it with loads of leafs and then close it securely until you can find a time to dump them in the neighbors’ yards.

I’m a little disappointed at the packaging graphics. The box told me the brand name (Target generic) and unit count (32), but it failed to tell me these important facts about the product:

-To effectively hold open a leaf bag, you will need three hands.

-The bags will not work if wind speed exceeds 0.001 miles per hour.

Additionally, I think that leaf bags should come 98% filled with leaves. That’s about how full they need to be before they stand up and stay open on their own.

Maybe I’ll write to the bag manufacturers and suggest these improvements.

On second thought, my neighbor owns four cheap plastic garbage pails. He sets them in his yard and fills them with leaves with no trouble. They’re also reusable. I’m going that route from now on.

And now, a special offer from Zimmerscope:

FREE: Mostly full box of leaf bags. Perform best when there is absolutely no wind, they are 98% full, and your third hand has finished growing. Contact James for details.