Wednesday, 20 October 2010

Today marks one of the few days that I have neither seen nor heard from Owen all day (since his birth). He slept over at his grandparents’ house last night, and he’s doing it again tonight.

It’s quite peaceful in our home tonight. It’s also a great day to spend some time with Isla. Typically, whenever I pay any attention to Isla whatsoever, Owen insists on getting in on the fun or work. For example, Isla might be sitting on my lap, and then I look down at her and say: “Hello, pretty girl! Are you my baby?” (Hey, I didn’t say my conversations with her were very interesting.) And then, suddenly, Owen comes scrambling over from wherever he is and gets his head in between mine and Isla’s and begins talking to her. This usually means he’s way too close for Isla’s liking, and it also means I get annoyed.

I should probably mention that whenever I say something to Isla, Owen repeats the exact same words. If I say four or five sentences in a row, Owen parrots them back with a slight delay, as if there’s a very clear echo in our house. I’m not sure why he does this, but if there was an icon underneath that said ‘LIKE,’ I’m fairly certain I wouldn’t press it. Sometimes I think I should just speak to Isla in phrases Owen would be unable to repeat, such as saying: “expiratory distribution of partially ignited hydrocarbons into the immediate atmosphere disallowed,” but there seems little point in telling my daughter not to smoke and, anyways, Owen still makes an attempt to repeat such thing, mimicking the duration and intonation, if not the exact wording.

If I ask him nicely to back down, he does not comply. If I ask him more sternly, he might comply, but he also snaps back a guttural moan, collapses on the floor and often begins faux-crying.

Anyway…not to complain about my kids, but I’m not sure how to deal with that.

Thursday, 21 October 2010

In just over two weeks, my company will be holding their annual “6K Run and Walk.” They’ve done this every years that I’ve been employed here and, despite the lateness of the season, the first Friday in November has actually turned out to have pretty decent weather. Last year it was a bit cold, but in all other years it was a very pleasant day to be outside running.

This year will be my sixth time participating. I did not participate in 2004; I assumed I would finish last and be the laughing stock of the company. After the race, however, I learned that people more than twice my age participated, many didn’t even run, and several people took over an hour to complete the race. “At least I can do better than them, though I with all due arrogance.

In 2005, I finished the race in 39 minutes and 21 seconds. I placed 118th out of 230. My goal for the following year was to both beat my time and finish in the top half.

In 2006, I finished in 36 minutes and 16 seconds. Coincidentally, I again placed 118th, but this time there were 284 participants, so I easily finished in the top half.

And that’s the best I’ve ever done.

In 2009, as I was approaching the finish line, I saw that the clock said 36 minutes. I thought for sure I would beat my best time, but I ended up finishing in 36 minutes and 25 seconds, a mere 9 seconds off from my best.

So this year I’m determined to make a new personal best. Back in June, I decided that I would run the 6K every Tuesday. But, um, it turned out that it was either raining or 95 degrees every Tuesday. It wasn’t until July 20th that I finally did run the 6K for the first time this year. I repeated that feat again on July 22nd. I was going to run it again on the 27th but that was Isla’s due date, and I didn’t want Jennifer to call telling me she was in labor when I was halfway around the path. It would’ve taken me 15 more minutes to finish, then another 15 minutes to shower and another 35-40 minutes to get home. By that time, I surely would’ve missed Isla’s supersonic delivery.

But now I’ve decided to run the course 9 times before the race. I plan on running it every Tuesday and Thursday. So far, I’ve run the course on October 5th, 7th, 12th, 14th, 19th and today. I’m gonna run it twice next week, too. Then, the week of the race, I plan to run the course on Monday the first. Today I came within seconds of besting my time, so I’m feeling pretty confident, especially since the presence of other runners will give me the push to keep going.

I’ll update you soon…

Friday, 22 October 2010

For pretty much no reason, I decided to sort my lists by last-updated date. Turns out, the list that has gone the longest without being altered is my “States I Have Been To” list. I haven’t changed it since 1998. Here’s the list:

1.  Minnesota                       1975

2.  New York –                      1975

3.  Wisconsin –                     1976

4.  Illinois –                            1976

5.  Indiana –                            1976

6.  Ohio –                                1976

7.  Pennsylvania –                  1976

8.  Massachusetts –            1976

9.  Michigan –                       1978

10. Iowa –                              1984

11. Nebraska –                     1984

12. Colorado –                      1984

13. South Dakota –             1987

14. Florida –                          1987

15. Kentucky –                     1991

16. Tennessee –                    1991

17. Georgia –                        1991

18. New Jersey –                 1993

19. Texas –                            1998

The year next to each state is the year in which I first entered that state. As you can see, I haven’t been to any new states since 1998. Wow. The entire ’00 decade (yeah, I don’t know how to say that decade, either) passed by without me visiting one new state. Conversely, in the ’70s – a decade in which I was only alive for the second half – I visited nine new states.

But perhaps that’s not too surprising. After all, when I was first born, I hadn’t been anywhere but Minnesota. Any sort of travel was bound to afford me new states.

Now that I’m adult, however, I actually go on more vacations than I did when I was a kid. (Fun fact: I went on three vacations in the 1980s. Okay, so I guess that fact is not so fun. Sorry.) The problem is, I just continue to visit states I’ve already been to. In ’09, for example, I went on vacation to Iowa and Illinois – two states I’d been to plenty of times. Those were two firsts for Owen, though. And this year alone I think I’ve been to Wisconsin 3 or 4 times, and I’ll be there again tomorrow.

Oh well. If anyone is planning a trip to Vermont or Montana or Alaska anytime soon, let me know. I may tag along just so my poor list gets some attention.

Monday, 18 October 2010

I am happy to report that I have completed that wedding video that I was working on. I’m done with the editing of it, at least. It still needs to be dropped into a DVD burning program, a title page needs to be designed, I need to burn the disks and create and print a cover for the DVD packaging…but all in all, the toughest part is done.

So today  I have decided to immediately plunge back in to working on some videos I had been working on way back in July. I think I’ve complained about this before, but I swear there is never a time when I don’t have at least one video under construction. So, you know, I’m gonna finish up these three so that I can work on another video.

I actually have a few ideas for videos, too. One of them involves discussing some beautiful (or a better word) pieces of popular culture from the past decade. I want to basically just talk to the camera and say: “Hey, listed below are 11 magnificent (or a better word) creations from this millennium. Give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down depending on if you feel they’re worthy of the moniker “Modern Classic.”

So, how about some help with this one: Is there any book, film, song, album, play, painting, photograph, short story, or TV show from the past ten years that you think ranks among the best of the best?

Tuesday, 19 October 2010

On Monday, August 2nd, I called the Minnesota Department of Health requesting the necessary paperwork to get a birth certificate for Isla. I don’t really care about ‘registering’ my kid with the government, but I wanted her registered somewhere so that I could count her as a dependent on my insurance, and so that I could add her as a tax write-off this spring.

No one answered the phone, but I left a message. I called the next day, and left another message. I called again on Friday (Aug. 6th) and left another message.

On Monday the 9th, I decided I would just call there every hour until I got an answer. So, I called at 8:00, and left a message. Then I called again at 9:00, and a woman named Roxanne said: “Oh, yes, I have your paperwork right here, I just need to ask you a few questions.” (Not sure why she didn’t call to ask, but whatever…) She said she’d send the papers out right away.

On Monday the 23rd, I called asking why I hadn’t received the papers yet. Since they only had to travel about 3 miles, I felt for sure it wasn’t the postal service’s fault. No one answered, so I left a message.

On Wednesday, the 25th, the papers arrived. There were five sheets of paper: one gave instructions, two were to be filled out to register Isla so that she had a birth certificate on file, and two were to be filled out if I wanted a copy of the certificate. I filled out as much as I could, but I needed the midwife for some of the info, such as her license number.

Incidentally – the papers also asked for a lot of ridiculous things, such as if the mother had ever had an abortion (they didn’t have a box for “none of your goddam business,” so I left it blank). Another box asked if the child was still alive (not to be crass but, if she had died, why would I need a birth certificate?). They also wanted to know if Isla had any birth defects; I guess because cleft-palate kids must get a ‘special’ certificate. They also asked if Isla had any mental deficiencies. Well, I suppose there’s a chance that she won’t be a genius, but Jennifer and I prefer not to think of that as a deficiency.

Anyway, after our next midwife appointment, I dropped the papers in the mail. This was on Wednesday, September 15th.

This past Saturday – over a month later – we received a letter in the mail telling us that, though they searched high and low, they could find no record of anyone with our daughter’s name being born in Minnesota in July 2010. They charged our credit card $16.

Since phone calls don’t do any good with these nimwits, my wife drove down to their office today. Her 75 cents only gave her 30 minutes on the meter, so she knew she’d be worrying about that the whole time.

The front desk receptionist first took about five minutes just to locate the correct individual, and then she handed the phone to Jennifer. Not sure why Roxanne couldn’t just come downstairs, but there was my wife: speaking on the phone to someone in the same building. Finally, Roxanne said she’d come down. So Jennifer sat there and waited another 15 minutes, during which time the receptionist apologized for the bureaucracy and said: “No wonder why we have such a bad reputation.”

Then a police officer walked in a said he needed to deliver a summons to one of the employees, so Jennifer got to sit and watch as the receptionist spent another 10 minutes tracking down another employee.

Finally, Roxanne came down and said she would straighten everything out. She asked if Jennifer wanted to wait, but she said she couldn’t as the meter was running out.

This afternoon, I got a call from Roxanne, who thought she was calling Jennifer. She needed our credit card number again, and explained that she couldn’t read the number we had written down, as “it gets blacked out.” Oh, that’s brilliant.

Anyway, Isla is nearly three months old now and we’re still waiting on a birth certificate to be generated from a state agency that resides in the very same city that we do.

Go tax dollars, go!

Saturday, 16 October 2010

Today we visited an Apple Orchard.

We made a return visit to Apple Jack Orchards after a five-year absence. Yes, yes, I realize it is an hour away from our house, but we knew we’d have a good time there.

See, we first visited there in 2004, looking for an orchard near our home in Big Lake. We returned there in 2005, with a four-month old son, and took his picture amidst the pumpkins and fall leaves.

The next few years, we searched out other orchards, just for a change of pace. Living in St. Paul, we tried some that were closer, including last year, when we went to Aamodt’s Apple Farm, possibly the lamest orchard I’d ever visited.

A couple of weeks ago, Jennifer said: “I want to go back to that orchard where we went when Owen was a little baby. Which one was that?” Well, it wasn’t hard to figure out – we just had to open up the photo album and look at the picture of baby Owen sitting by the Orchard’s sign.

Here’s the problem, though: I hate traffic, I hate long drives, and I hate crowds. So…I didn’t want to go mid-week (too much traffic), and I was worried about the weekend (crowds!). But Saturday won out.

Well, we didn’t really have a good time. I mean, yes, there was plenty to do, but there were too many people, it was windy, you couldn’t pick the apples (due to an early frost last spring), and we showed up with exactly $2 in cash. Worst, Isla was cranky the whole time. Jennifer finally got her to calm down in the moby, and then we boarded a big wagon for a tractor ride. As soon as the tractor started going, Isla started screaming. This was totally unexpected because she’s almost never like this, particularly early in the day. Jennifer could do nothing to calm her down. I offered to take Isla, but Jennifer pointed out that Isla “doesn’t like me as much.” Later she explained that she didn’t mean to sound so harsh, but she was exasperated. Then Owen said something like “Maybe she just wants to flop down to your boob.” Which – bravo to Owen – was precisely what she wanted, but sitting knee-to-knee with a bunch of strangers on a rocky wagon isn’t really the best time to accommodate the baby. His comment made everyone laugh nervously, so that drew even more attention to our train wreck of a day.

Isla cried for most of the way home. There was traffic on 394 (is there ever not?). This evening, we discovered Isla has a hives-like rash on her cheeks and chin. Jennifer has a corresponding rash about an inch down from her neck – right where Isla was snuggled for most of the day.

So, yeah…just gonna go ahead and put this day behind me.

Sunday, 17 October 2010

Owen’s been very concerned with the Lego Imagination Center at the Mall of America. They closed up shop over a month ago. When we first saw this, we were both somewhat distraught. Alas, a quick check online revealed that a smaller, temporary store had opened at the other end of the Mall, and that a bigger, stronger, store would be opening later in the year. I saw advertised on the store’s walls that they will be giving out Lego prizes to people who come on opening day. Needless to say, Owen is very concerned that we make it there on opening day.

Well, this morning he asked me to check online again to see if opening day has been announced yet. It hasn’t – ETA is late November. However, the good folks at Lego said they’d be building two murals for the new store today and everyone was invited to come help.

So, after having lunch with my sister, brother-in-law, and dad (yep, he’s back in town again…long story), we sped on over to the Mall of Hysteria and located the Lego booth. Owen was handed a 6×6 flat piece with a number printed on the back and a color-coding on the front. We then went over to a table featuring ~20 buckets of variously colored 1×1 bricks. Owen had to assemble the correct bricks onto his flat piece.

There were two murals, incidentally. One looked to be a Minnesotan landscape, featuring hills and a lake. That mural was over 99% completed by the time we arrived. The other, smaller mural was of a moose. Or, at least, we were told that it would be a moose; it was only about 20% done when were were there.

When Owen finished, he took his piece (#107)over to the moose mural, handed it to a giant of a man (the guy was at least 6 foot 7). That man took the piece, fitted it into the corresponding slot – 5 rows down and 11 columns across. After pushing it on with his hands, he wielded a rubber mallet and secured it into place.

So, if you happen to pass by the Lego Imagination Center at the Mall of America sometime in December or afterwards, find the moose mural, count down 5 rows of 6, and count over 11 rows of 6. Owen made that piece.

Friday, 15 October 2010

So, I spent some time today making sure I still know the basic. I did it via Sporcle’s quizzes.

Have you ever been to Sporcle? If not, go visit right now. They put up four or five new quizzes every day, so I check back all the time. Some of the quizzes I don’t really care for, others are insanely difficult, but some are really awesome.

It probably goes with out saying that they exhausted all the basics of human knowledge long ago, but I thought I’d dig back into their archives and see how I did on stuff that I think I should know.

Name all the Elements. I scored 102 out of 118. Don’t be an idiot and forget lead (like I did).

Name all the Presidents of the USA.  I got 44 out of 44. You can type just the last names, if you want. The great thing about that is it will cause two answers to pop up on multiple occasions.

Name all the nations of Europe. I got 47 out of 47. It’s a little easier than just randomly naming off countries, because the map fills in as you go. So, if you can’t think of anymore, at least you can see the outlines of the countries you’re missing. (“Hmm…what’s that one in between Norway and Finland…”)

Name all the teams in Major League Baseball. I got 24 out of 30. Don’t forget about that Canadian team!

Name all the teams in the NFL. I got 28 out of 32. This was a little easier than the last one, ’cause I just started right off typing in ‘Giants’ and ‘Cardinals’ again. My main problem with these sports teams quizzes is that I start typing in teams that I know exist, but that must play a different sport…

Name every motion picture that’s won the Academy Award for Best Picture since 1970. I got 38 out of 40. That’s annoying, because I know I’ve seen them all (I make a point of ensuring that I see every Best Picture winner). The two I missed were two of the most recent, too: 2004’s and 2008’s.

Name the parts of your body that have three-letter names. I got 9 out of 10. Again, this is annoying because, unless you get a perfect score, you’ll feel like an idiot once the answers are revealed. By the way – there are no crass terms, so don’t bother guessing “ass” or “tit.”

Have fun, and let me know how you did.

Wednesday, 13 October 2010

The most significant event for me today was my first attendance at a Toastmasters Club.

I enjoy public speaking, something that makes me a bit of an anomaly in amongst my fellow Americans (or maybe not…?). When I was a JW, I used to give speeches all the time. It was probably my favorite aspect of being a Witness. Though, admittedly, when you think about knocking on doors, not celebrating birthdays, and wearing a suit all the fucking time, it’s not exactly a tight contest.

But I digress.

Shortly after leaving the Witnesses, my wife suggested that I join a Toastmasters Club, which is precisely what her Dad did when he exited the Witnesses, too. The problem was, though, that her Dad had the convenience of having a Toastmasters Club right there at his job; I did not.

If I had any common sense, I should’ve looked up the info and started my own Toastmasters Club at my job. But I didn’t do that. Not sure why. It might stem from my being a complete idiot when it comes to anything remotely useful.

Sometimes, I’d considered joining the Freethought Toastmasters Club, which meets right in my hometown. Alas, I’ve never felt like taking more time away from my family.

But then, a couple of weeks ago, an email came in my inbox from some manger-type person saying to congratulate Tony on his upcoming award. And guess why Tony’s getting an award? Well, there are several reasons, but among them was the fact that he organized and presides over the Toastmasters Club here at work.

I immediately emailed Tony (who I know, as we worked on a project together a few years back) and told him I wanted to join. He invited me to today’s meeting.

It was interesting. I sat in the back and was welcomed as a guest. Very organized. Almost too officious. They must be following Robert’s Rules of Order. The President invited the coordinator up, who invited the speech coordinator up, who invited the first speaker up. Then there was a table topics coordinator, then a woman who took care of odds and ends, such as inviting up the grammar cop and a several people who’s jobs it was to critique the earlier speeches. A few people took notes, and one woman was the time-keeper. Most people had books that, I presume, laid out several counsel points.

I had no idea this club had been going on right at my job and, at the end when the President asked if I enjoyed myself, I said that I wanted to join.

So, we’ll see where this leads. I wish I would’ve known about it a year ago, as I’ve done quite a bit of public speaking in the past year, and I could’ve used that (presumably) for some of the requirements to advance. Oh well. I’m happy to do more.

Thursday, 14 October 2010

I stopped at the post office today. They have three counters, but only one person was working. There was one man in front of me. He was old, but not elderly.

He walked up to the postal employee and showed him an email print-out in which he said that the email came with an attachment he was unable to open. The postal employee looked at the paper and said, “Well do you have any ID?” Of course, the old man did, so he gave the postal worker his license and then the worker disappeared in the back to go look for (I assume) a package.

Another employee walked by, right behind the counters, and I stared her right in the eye in that “Why don’t you help me?” manner. She ignored me, and continued blissfully flitting around, moving boxes from point A to point near-A.

After about five minutes, as the line behind me progressed from 1 to 3 to 5 people, the man came back up to the front, empty handed, and told the old man he couldn’t find anything for him. Together, they read aloud the email, wherein it said “We were unable to deliver the package you mailed…” I know, it doesn’t make any sense to me, either.

Then that woman came back around, and, seeing that there were several people waiting, she decided to open up counter #2 and motioned me over. I really hate how the post office’s (and lots of stores’) employees won’t feel compelled to help one person, but when they see a big line, then they suddenly decide to help. That’s a great way to piss off everyone in line.

Anyway, the old man was shuttled off to another postal employee, who had to open up a counter just for him.

Man, I hope they figure out how to open up that attachment. I gotta say, I think it’s great that the USPS now helps people open up email attachments. What a great world we live in.