Bye Bye Love

When a new life dawned on me (or, maybe I should say “when a new life smacked me in the head) early last year, I took the opportunity to wallow in sadness. I laid around, with all due pity, and wished so much that, instead of life beginning anew, it would just be over. I’m making it sound like a choice here, but I’m not sure it was. It’s not like I debated whether I should be happy or sad, I just was sad.

And in the interim I made some big changes and some big decisions. Other changes and decisions were foisted upon me. In between, I somehow forgot to take care of myself. Oh, I did a little bit – the sort of little bit that I had to do to stay alive and to ensure I could show up for work and care for my kids – but not enough. Though it seems strange to say, considering my selfishness and frequent self-indulgence, I was often side-tracked by caring for others, and not thinking about my own self-care. I suppose that’s easy to do as a parent; I sure looked out for Isla when she needed some help, and I worked hard to make sure Owen got his new room completed and an appropriate birthday gift.

This spring I begrudgingly started taking care of myself more concertedly. As summer approached, I’ve really ramped it up. And, I gotta say…I’m kinda surprised how well I’m doing. I’m sleeping better than I have in over a year, I’ve had a single headache in the past three weeks (the norm would’ve been around 20), I’m reading a lot more, exercising, eating better, and trying some new things without the usual accompanying panic-attacks.

In fact, there were moments I wasn’t even sure I was going to survive the month of June. And then there was my ear surgery, which made me very anxious, and I had to scramble to get the support I needed. And then my birthday, too. I don’t mind adding another year to my age, but I feel very bittersweet about each birthday, stemming both from my upbringing and a series of botched attempts to have a fun birthday over the past decade – including this year.

Anyway, I took a “Virtues in Action” quiz via my therapy (well, it was only suggested in therapy, but I’m doing all the extra credit so I get happier and healthier quicker), and I was informed that my top five virtues – the strengths I have that I should continue to nurture and use – are:

1. Open-mindedness
2. Curiosity
3. Ingenuity
4. Love of learning
5. Perseverance

If you’re laughing at that list, you’re not alone. It struck me as unexpected as well. But considering some of the virtues that did not make my top 5 (optimism, forgiveness, leadership, spirituality, discretion), it becomes clear why these ranked in the top five while others did not.

Another thing I learned – or, rather, was reminded of – is that I am ridiculously goal-oriented. And I love making lists. (If you wanna see my list of things I learned in life, CLICK HERE. And if you wanna see another list, CLICK HERE.) So it stands to reason that I love making lists of my goals.

One of my lists is called “The Mother of All To Do Lists”. I periodically add and subtract things from it and, on very special occasions, I get to move items from the “wish I did this” side of the list to the “glad I did this” side of the list.

In the wake of some really bad times back in 2005, I posted on this blog a list of items from that to-do list – items in which I was wondering if anyone could help. My thinking was that such events would be things I could look forward to, in an effort to keep me going through the rest of the month, the year, and beyond. And it worked! For example, one item on the list was that I wanted to brew my own beer, and a friend pulled through immediately, letting me borrow his equipment and creating a ‘Brew Blog’ just for me so I could learn how he did it.

So I’m doing that again, now.

I’m not gonna list super personal things I want to do or need to work on. Nor am I gonna list things that I can pretty much take care of myself. For example, one item on my lists is “See at least one feature-length film from every year that there’s been feature-length films.” (Don’t worry, I can handle that one myself.) At any rate, here are a few items from my to-do list. If you’d like to lend your expertise, insider knowledge, or just companionship, please do so…

• Hike the Superior Hiking Trail
  • Come on! Let’s go! I’d just like to go with someone who’s already experienced it.
• Attend a drive-in movie
• Visit the Alexander Ramsey House
• Visit Itasca State Park
• Visit Voyegeur’s National Park
  • I’d especially like to stay on one of their floating cabins
• Attend a session of Congress (state-level is fine)
• Step foot in North Dakota
  • Okay, so there are actually a lot of states I’d like to visit – Alaska, California, and Maine come to mind…but North Dakota is so stinking close, I feel I just gotta go.
• Ride in a hot air balloon
• Ride on a Segway
• Visit the Hennepin History Museum
• Make something out of pottery
  • Okay, I guess I did this when I was a kid – in school – but I’ve since lost those little creations.

Okay. There you go. I’d like to do these things. With…whoever is willing (assuming I like you).