Sucking Better

Monday, 29 August 2011

Our trusty vacuum took a trip with me to A 1 Vacuum Cleaners today. We’ve owned the vacuum since 2001 and, apart from a new filter back in 2007 (or was it 2006?), I haven’t performed a whole lot of maintenance on the thing.

I told the saleslady that the vacuum needed a new filter, and maybe a new belt. She had me wheel the vacuum back into their shop area. I hoisted it up onto a carpeted counter and a man immediately began unscrewing the housing off the bottom. He pulled out the belt, said the product number out loud, and told me that, yes, I needed to buy a new belt.

When the woman returned with a new belt, he held the new and the old up together and the woman said, “See, look how stretched out that belt was.”

“Yeah,” I said in amazement. And, also, ’cause I had nothing else to say.

She pointed out that people often think they don’t need a new belt. The take out the old one, examine it, see no signs of fatigue, and put it back in. But what they don’t realize, she explained, is that the existing belt has stretched out like crazy. Basically, my belt looked like Pluto’s orbit, and it should have looked like Neptune’s:

She then told me that the price of replacing the belt was $9.95. “Is that alright?” she asked. I shrugged and said sure. Then she said, “And the belt itself is $3.95.”

I was confused.

“Wait,” I said, shaking my head. And before I could ask anymore, she clarified that the belt itself was $3.95, but the labor cost $9.95.

I thought this was a little shift – she waited until the man had disassembled my vacuum and was in the process of securing the new one into position before asking me if the labor cost was acceptable. I could have said no, but then the man would have had to undo the labor he just did. So I acquiesced.

I went up front to pay and then she asked if I wanted that man to also install the new filter for me. “Would that cost me another ten bucks?” I asked. She laughed, and so did the other employee sitting nearby. No, she explained, the $9.95 is just a flat fee for small jobs, and there’s no extra charge for one more minute of labor. I could put in the new filter myself, but I figured as long as I was paying the guy, he might as well do it for me.

The man came out about five minutes later – like a doctor coming out to the waiting room to report on the condition of a family member undergoing surgery. He told me the housing for the filter was very dirty, and the rubber gasket that connects it to the tubing was not sitting correctly, and that the whole inside was caked with sheetrock dust. He said, if I didn’t mind waiting, that he would clean out that dust and fix the gasket. So, again, wanting to maximize my dollar, I said I’d wait.

He took a super powerful, but tiny, vacuum and sucked out sheetrock dust from at least 5 years ago. He cleaned out the housing and lined up the gasket just right. All in all, I waited about 15 minutes, but now we have a good-as-new 10 year old vacuum. We are ready to suck!

Tuesday, 30 August 2011

I received an email today from the author of WikiHow’s “How to Leave Jehovah’s Witnesses,” and oddly titled and ridiculously short article that offers a step-by-step process on how to leave that religion once you’ve decided it’s not for you.

He told me that he used some information from my newspaper interview back in 2009 in which I told a local paper to not fall for the gilded smiles knocking on their doors on Saturday mornings.

I’ve gotta admit: I’m not really sure what details he gleaned from the article that enhanced his WikiHow entry, but I thanked him and told him to keep up the good work. Whether it’s Witness stuff or brewing beer, I like to see the stuff I put on the internet getting used.

Wednesday, 31 August 2011

I’m pleased to find out that Maroon Five’s “Move Like Jagger” has gone to #1 this week.

It’s good to see a non-Hip-hop song at #1 again, especially since that genre has dominated the charts for about 18 years now. I also think this song marks the best use of whistling in a #1 hit since Roxette’s Joyride:

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This marks yet another #1 Mick Jagger-related song. Let’s see how many there are, okay?

First, the Rolling Stones had eight #1 songs…

1) Satisfaction (1965)

2) Get Off My Cloud (1965)

3) Paint It, Black (1966)

4) Ruby Tuesday (1967)

5) Honky Tonk Women (1969)

6) Brown Sugar (1971)

7) Angie (1973)

and

8) Miss You (1978)

In 1972, Don McLean had a #1 hit with “American Pie,” and though he’s not explicitly mentioned, there seems little doubt that the fifth verse references Jagger. A year later, Carly Simon hit #1 with “You’re So Vain,” with Jagger on back-up vocals. Last year, he was mentioned by name in Kesha’s #1 hit “Tik Tok.”

…So I think that makes a total of 12 Jagger-related tunes. Am I missing any?