I Still Hate Minneapolis

So, despite numerous difficulties in the past, I once again decided to venture into downtown Minneapolis yesterday.  Specifically, I volunteered to help at a booth for the Minneapolis Planetarium’s Solstice celebration.  Since there is no Minneapolis planetarium (yet), the event was held at the Minneapolis Central library.

I was scheduled to be there from 4 – 8:00.  My wife and son were interested in checking out the event, too, so they followed behind me in a separate car so that they could leave at any time. 

Before leaving, I entered the Library’s address into Mapquest.  Mapquest only ever fails me on two occassions: 1) when attempt to locate new roads/neighborhoods and 2) when downtown Minneapolis is involved.

We began by heading west into that most god-forsaken of cities.  After about 5 miles on the interstate, I saw a sign alerting me to the Cedar Avenue exit (so far so good).  The directions, which I obtained from Mapquest, and the accompanying map, called for me to exit Cedar, go about 5 blocks, then use the left-side exit to get onto MN-155.  I’ve never heard of this road before, but, oh well…

I drove down Cedar for four blocks, then spotted the left-side exit.  But it wasn’t for 155; it was for 35W.  Maybe this was one of thousands of cases wherein a single stretch of road has two names. But, either way, the exit was clearly for 35W and only 35W – there was no signage for 155.  I suppose I could’ve taken the exit, but when you know you’re within a mile of your destination, the last thing you want to do is get on a freeway with limited access to the local roads; I was afraid it would dump me off two miles away and then I’d really be stuck. 

Instead, I swerved back onto Cedar, and made a left one block later.  This put me on Washington Avenue and, I assume, one block north of where I really wanted to be.  No problem, thought I, I would just drive down until I got to Nicollet Mall (that’s the street the library is supposedly on).  When I got to Nicollet, guess what?  No cars are permitted on that road (for as asinine as people claim St. Paul’s roads are, let me just say: YOU CAN DRIVE ON ALL OF THEM!). Still, I didn’t panic. I just went down to the next block…which was a one-way street upon which I couldn’t make a left.  So I went down one more block.  I began heading southwest on this road, hoping to find 3rd Avenue South (that was the cross street I was looking for). Unfortunately, the crossroads were increasing in number and were all designated as North roads – even though I was going south. 

Eventually, I decided to make a left, and then another left, so that I was heading north.  This time, I found 3rd Avenue.  But, of course, I couldn’t turn on it (another one way).  So I went around the block, even driving on a closed road for lack of what else to do.  Finally, I was driving on 3rd Avenue, heading towards Nicollet Mall.  When I got to (what I assume was) the correct block, guess what? No signs telling me which building was thr correct one.

This is a lesson both downtowns should heed: Put a freakin’ sign on your building.  With the very rare exception of famous icons (such as the Metrodome and the State Capitol, for example), every building should have a name that says what it is.  Like last year, we were invited to a party at the Depot in Minneapolis.  Which, stupidly, has a big sign on it that says “Milwaukee”.  If you ever hold a party at the Depot, make sure you tell your friends it’s at Milwaukee.  I know, I know, it doesn’t make any sense.

Anyway…I was quite likely driving right in front of the library…not sure.  But what difference did it make? I still had to park.  The email from the Planetarium people said there was an undergroung garage I could park in for $5.  But I couldn’t find it.  Not the first time, nor the second time I looped around the block (and since there’s a stoplight ever 10 feet in Minnecrapolis, looping around the block takes about 5 minutes). Oh, I did see one underground ramp, but it was labeled “Marquette Plaza Parking Only”, and I wasn’t sure if the library was in the Marquette Plaza (maybe they should put up a sign?).  Also, it showed a price of $8…not the $5 I’d been promised. 

I started to go around the block a third time, then decided to stop at a cafe to ask directions.  Here’s what the lady behind the counter told me:

“Go 2 blocks down to Hennepin, then make a right.  The library will be three blocks down on your left.”

…Of course, that still didn’t solve my problem of where to park my 2 cars, but I figured I’d run into the library & ask someone to physically point to the parking ramp.

So, I drove the two block and then, magically, found Hennepin!  But guess what? No right turns allowed. So I drove another block, and there was that stupid anti-car street again, mocking me with it’s smooth asphalt and hope of a destination.  So I drove another block and, guess what? No right turns allowed. So I drove another block, and that was the under-construction street that was closed.  I didn’t want to risk driving on it again. So I drove another block and, guess what? No right turn.

So I cut my loses and went home. My wife got lost on the way home, my son was disappointed, and I failed to fulfill my volunteer duties.  An hour and a half of driving two cars around on a 90 degree day.  Did I mention my car doesn’t have A/C?

People often like to make fun of St. Paul’s streets, saying there’s no rhyme or reason to the street names.  I admit, it is comforting, if you can’t find 38th street, to suddenly chance upon 39th street and know that you must be close. But I don’t mind the ‘neighborhood’ portions of Minneapolis…it’s the downtown that frustrates me.  Consider this: St. Paul, like Minneapolis, has numerical streets in it’s downtown, too.  In St. Paul, there is never more than one consecutive one-way street.  You can drive on all the streets.  And it’s only 2/3 the size of Minneapolis, so it’s easier to navigate simply by virtue of being smaller.

I’ve said this before, but this time I’m saying it online: If I’m invited to something in downtown Minneapolis, I’m not going.  It’s not worth it.  I’d rather stay home than drive around that mess for an hour only to drive back home anyways.  If you really want me to go, you can pick me up. Or, like my brother-in-law did a few months back, you can skillfully plan for us to commute together via mass transit.