Friday, 15 April 2011
So, first, I received a PowerPoint presentation today. It was titled “Memorial Reminder.” Not sure why I was included on this email…I know full well when the Memorial is scheduled, and thanks to years of indoctrination, I don’t think I will forget its appearance every full-moon-following-the-vernal-equinox each year. For those who don’t know, the Memorial is the one holiday that Witnesses do observe (though they are loathe to term it a ‘holiday’). It’s basically their version of Mass – a morbid meeting (on top of all the other meetings) in which wine and bread gets passed around to everyone in attendance. Lest that sound too exciting, bear in mind that almost no one (<0.01%) partakes of the comestibles.
Anyway, I thought I’d share some of the Power Point slides with my loyal readers here:
Okay, here’s slide #2, and all I gotta say is…CREEPY! God knows EVERYTHING about me? And that’s supposed to make me feel good? Does he know I have a nose hair that’s been itching me all day? Does he know that I just scratched my genitals? Why does he know these things? Why does he want to know these things? Like I said, CREEPY!
So now he even knows things about me that I don’t know about myself: he knows how many hairs I have on my head. Again, why? And, CREEPY! As a supplemental question, where does my head end and my neck begin? I mean, I think something like that could make a radical difference in the number of hairs that are on my head.
But here’s what’s really bizarre about this slide: he knew me even before I was conceived! Holy shit! That means he foreordained that my parents would get together and copulate on the night that they did. Weird. Why was it so important to him that my parents reproduce – especially considering my parents had a lousy marriage that ultimately ended in divorce? And if he knew me before I was conceived, does that mean he knew everyone…even…Hitler! And did he know the babies that resulted from rapes? ‘Cause, wow, he should’ve done something about that. And did he also know all the fetuses that were conceived, but ultimately miscarried? Why did he want to fertilize eggs, only to abort them? Damn, God has committed a lot of abortions in his time. I sure hope Congress tried to defund God.
So, the only reason why I’m not offended by this slide is because I have a standing SOP that stipulates I never get offended about anything. However, if I was to get offended, I would say this slide is offensive.
Look at the first (mis)quote: “And I brought you forth on the day you were born.” Um…no, Jehovah, you didn’t. My mom carried me in her womb for many months, and she – not the doctors, not the nurse, not my dad, and certainly not any fictitious characters – delivered me into the world. Having attended the births of both of my children, I find this (mis)quote to be insulting to women like my wife who, with much effort and pain, “brought forth” new life.
Now look at the third and fourth (mis)quotes: “I offer you more than your earthly father ever could…for I am the perfect father.”
Huh. That’s funny. I don’t remember Jehovah doing jack shit to pay for my food, clothing, education, or medical care when I was growing up. What I do remember, however, was my father working long hours, often on the weekend, often with two jobs, battling traffic, injuries, health problems, and lousy bosses, just to pay for our crappy cars, our mobile home, and our hand-me-downs. My Dad is far from “the perfect father,” but he did (and does) a helluva lot more than Jehovah. (For one thing, my “earthly father” actually talks to me – and that makes him way superior to Jehovah regardless of any other trait.)
Now here’s an interesting slide. For one thing, it directly contradicts the previous slide: He will give me the desires of my heart only if I delight in Him? What does that mean? And, anyways, in the previous slide, he just said he wants to lavish his love on me simply because I am his child. So which is it: Does he want to do stuff for me by default, or do I have to cough up some ‘delight’?
The slide also claims that Jehovah can do for me than I can possibly imagine. I love statements like this because they are so easily testable. I can imagine that Jehovah can make $100 appear out of thin air and land on my keyboard in the next minute. Let’s see if it happens.
…
…
…
…Hm. I guess that statement is false.
Here are some statements I don’t even have to test; I already know they’re false. Again, Jehovah, stop demeaning my “earthly” (i.e., “real”) father: you never comforted me in my troubles. The slide also claims that God is close to me when I’m broken-hearted. Huh. That’s funny. Because, in the past, when I would sincerely pray to God requesting his help, he didn’t do Jack Squat. He didn’t even pat me on the head and say, “I’m sorry, I wish I could make it better,” like my earthly father did. He must’ve been too busy counting my hairs.
Okay, I could write a book about this slide. But for now, I’ll just say this: If you know me personally, and you happen to have children, please don’t think that “giving up” your children will somehow impress me and make me love you. Instead, just invite me out to lunch or a movie, or send my wife and I a card on our anniversary. Thanks.
…Sorry, I’ll be taking my son – my earthly son, who I have no thought of “giving up” – to a birthday party. Also, I’ll be busy counting his hairs.
Also, best video this week. Representative Crowley (D-NY) is now one of my favorite congressmen. In case his style looks slightly familiar, it’s ’cause he’s copying ‘Weird Al,’ who, of course, was spoofing Bob Dylan.
Your prayers were answered. You were lead away from the JW cult to where you are now.
James, you are so self righteous it’s no wonder that God has never answered your prayers. How about praying to know Him more? This “jehovah” you speak of is nothing like the God that I know. Good thing you got away from the cult, but He wants you to know Him more, not this jehovah character. Wouldn’t you want Owen to know you, if you were God like you think you should be.
Mike: Good point.
Anonymous:
Dozens of people have suggested I neglected to pray a certain way. This seems a bit spurious – I prayed hundreds, probably thousands, of times, asking God t make me know him better. Assuming God wants me to know him more, than it’s odd he would withhold that information unless a prayer met specific guidelines. Sincerity should be enough, and I know that I was sincere absolutely every time I prayed.
I gave many prayers in front of audiences of hundreds – and no one ever told me that my prayers were self-righteous or in some other way not right. To the contrary, I often received words of commendation on the contents, quality, and sincerity of my prayers.
Additionally, I don’t think it’s fair to call me self-righteous or to say that I think I should be God simply because I am taking a critical look at the scriptures supplied in the above slides. Let’s compare criticizing God with criticizing the President. If I said I disliked the President’s performance, policies, and/or ideology, would this make me self-righteous? Or would you conclude that I wanted to be President? If I said that I disliked an album or a film, would that make me a self-righteous person who felt I should be a musician or a film-maker? Why is criticizing God (or, more accurately, criticizing the bible and the JWs) considered self-righteous, or setting oneself up as a God, while critically examining anything else is considered a mark of thoughtful research?
Such arguments strike me as wrongly directed. Claiming that I’m self-righteous or desirous of being godlike is a smoke-screen that obscures the real questions I raised. For example, if I say that I don’t believe in unicorns because I’ve never seen any, then I don’t think a good argument against me would be: “Well, did you ever try asking if there are any unicorns? Sounds like you’re just self-righteous.” A better rebuttal would begin: “Well, I believe in unicorns and here’s why…” So, when I question why god doesn’t answer my prayers, instead of directing the fault at my character, a better argument would be, “He actually did answer your prayers, and here’s why…” or “There’s a good reason why god refused to answer your sincere, heart-felt requests, and here’s why…”
I’m not entirely clear on what’s meant by “Wouldn’t you want Owen to know you?” Well, yes, I do, and that’s why I don’t hide in a mist of shadows and riddles. 50 years from now, Owen may judge me as a lousy father (I hope he doesn’t, but…), but one thing he won’t be able to do is to claim he has no evidence that I ever existed. Like I said in my post regarding my father, he wasn’t (isn’t) perfect, but there’s no question that he does exist.
However: you do make a good point, different people believe in different gods, and the characteristics and evidences for each of those gods needs to be examined separately. My above post, obviously, was directed at the JWs and their god. If people believe in or worship a god other than the petty megalomaniac depicted in JW literature than, I agree, such a god would be far superior to theirs.