Friday, 01 July 2011
It’s that time of year again: time for the annual conventions of Jehovah’s Witnesses. The conventions scheduled for here in the midwest will be taking place in Rochester (again) starting today. But let’s face it, attending those conventions is a drain on your vacation time, wallet, psyche, and reasoning abilities. Still, you are eager to find out what new “food” the “faithful and discreet slave” plans to provide “in the proper time” (HINT: not hoagies). So I’m here to help.
There are actually two brochures scheduled to be released at the conventions; both are titled Listen to God and Live Forever – one is a ‘standard’ issue brochure, and the other is a ‘simplified’ version. Below are some highlights of the new brochures. Here’s a fun game: try to figure out if the images displayed are from the standard brochure or the simplified version…
Here’s an image and the accompanying caption from page two. I don’t have much to say about it except that, well, this pretty much sets the tone for the whole brochure. Notice: God teaches people EVERYWHERE. Yep, even the billions of people who do not worship the god of the bible. They don’t say it here, but the Witnesses god also teaches people the best way to die, too (refuse a blood transfusion).
Here’s a picture from page nine. I like that Satan looks like such a bad ass. I mean, he’s not the typical horned, hoofed red guy we usually see. Instead, he looks like James Coburn. Which is awesome.
Why do humans die? Simple: ‘Cause they’re related to Adam and Eve. Also, the dead can’t see or hear OR DO ANYTHING. It says so right here on page 11.
Page 11 also has this gem: Jehovah did not mean for people to die. Honest, it was an accident. He didn’t want it to happen and since he’s not, you know, all-powerful or all-knowing or anything, there wasn’t anything he could do about it.
YES! I love it when the Watchtower Society talks about the flood. It’s so cute. Notice: Noah brought into the ark “every sort of animal” (page 13). Geez, think of the tanks he must’ve built for the whales and sharks. And plesiosaurs.
On page 14, we learn that ALL the WICKED people died. Though it’s tough to see in my scan of the image, this included children. Those wicked, wicked children. It did not, however, include the angels who adopted human form. They’re not people, evidently.
Here’s an image from page 15. I have a better idea for a caption: “Some people are like Noah. They think all the world’s animals can fit in a single boat and that plants can survive a year-long deluge; they are Jehovah’s Witnesses.”
Also on page 15: More wicked people. This includes people who slow dance and use ridiculous gestures when giving speeches.
Page 25: I agree – You can pray about food, employment, shelter, clothing, and health. But damned if it will do any good. Like the time I prayed to Jehovah to help me find employment that would allow me to keep pioneering. He said no.
Page 26: The bad news is, Jehovah’s Witnesses are taught to be homophobes. The good news is, they’re also told not to vote. So don’t worry, Minnesota, we won’t have to worry about them next November.
I just had to include this image from page 26. This is exactly what our home looks like the moment I get home from work.
Page 27 tells us sex outside the marriage is wrong. As you can see, this man has left his big-busted, red-haired, tight-assed wife for a frumpy hag. Bad move. Jehovah will kill you. Even though he doesn’t mean for people to die. Also, it appears that polyandry is just fine.
Page 28: Raging homophobia, part II. This is especially relevant because all the gays that work at the Watchtower Society can finally get married.
Page 31: Nothing draws a person closer to god than hanging out with Witnesses. I know I never felt closer to His presence than when Mike Lewis was condemning me for contemplating using a “just married” sign on our car at our wedding.
Here’s an image from the back cover. Have I mentioned how awesome it is that Satan is depicted as such a bad ass?
There you have it. Save yourself the trouble of attending the convention. This is all you need to know. If it’s too late to cancel your hotel arrangements, I suggest you attend the Pride Fest, instead.
Oh – and have you figured out if these excerpts are from the standard brochure or the simplified version? Come on, just the fact that I asked should clue you in to the answer.
You’re a rebel but you bring up some valid points. Why would an all knowing god create beings with the capacity to rebel unless he took delight in the possibilities? If I built a go-Kart for my grandkids and put a governor on the motor they would never know they difference. God might have tried this simple feat of engineering on his creatures instead of creating an inferior product and deciding to kill them all off like a spoiled brat would destroy a toy he didn’t like.
Why would superior beings with first hand knowledge of god lower themselves to come down to earth and have sex with women? Seems like another flawed creation to me. If their intelligence was perfect what was the point of giving it all up? I’ve gotten a squeeze or two in my lifetime but no offense to your mother-in-law, if I was a perfect being with superior intelligence I would choose masturbation over the end of my existence.
Good job.
You know, if they could vote, Michele Bachmann would be elected Queen. I also think it’s awesome that James Coburn is playing the role of Satan in the new brochure.
Thanks for sharing! Also, did you see (& hear) the link Chad sent you about the symposium talk about apostates? Too good to miss.
Stan-
If pointing out the absurdity of a time-wasting, family-destroying, fact-denying cult is being a rebel, then…Guilty as charged!
I like your go-kart analogy. I think I heard you say that once before. I have to keep that one in mind.
I wasn’t aware that angels could masterbate. Seems odd. Although, it does explain that one line in that song that says, “Mine eyes have seen the glory of the cuming of the Lord.”
Jeremy-
My wife and I have had discussions on that topic, too. What if the Watchtower Society came out with new light that voting was a conscience matter – who would they all vote for? I think most of them still wouldn’t vote. Most JWs are very concerned with the environment and believe in taking care of widows and orphans, so that stuff makes me think they’d go Democratic or Green. But then they’re also homophobic and anti-abortion, which would make them lean Republican.
And, yeah, I heard that talk Chad linked to. It was nice of him to do that. Their whole ‘ex-Witnesses are so evil, stupid, and morally bankrupt’ schtick really annoys me.
I have wondered where all that water went after the flood. Any ideas? Oh and you are correct, the devil does look just like James Coburn!
Witnesses will tell you that the flood waters are still right here on Earth. This shows the low level of critical thinking skills the majority of them have.
Thanks for that awesome posting. It saved MUCH time 🙂
All I know is that the new Eve is really hot!
And that’s really all you need to know. In fact, I’d go so far as to say that it’s the main take-away point of the brochure.
DEAR LISTEN TO GOD AND LIVE FOREVER
LIKE YOU SEE A NICE DVD ASL
LISTEN TO GOD AND FOREVER LIKE FOR LEARN AT DEAF ME TOO
Anonymous-
Thanks for demonstrating the mentality needed to find the brochure believable. Also, your caps lock key is getting tired.
I stumbled across your blog today. Slick writing style. I have a personal request if you have a moment. Send me an e-mail with the header, “Brochure”. That is, if you have time.
Jgnat-
Thanks for the compliment! The brochure should be in your in box.