How a JW Elder Made Me Mad, Sad, and Glad All Within 1 Minute

What a fool believes he sees /
No wise man has the power to reason away -The Doobie Brothers

In my last post, I eulogized my departed friend Jamin Shevik. The very day I wrote that entry, however, I was actually more consumed with my own nervousness than with the recent loss. That evening, I attended Jamin’s visitation at a funeral home in Apple Valley. I was nervous about attending because I wasn’t sure what would happen when I got there. Jamin, had been a Jehovah’s Witness and, as such, I figured there would be a number of people in attendance he and I both knew. Would they talk to me? Would they tell me to leave? Would they try to corral me into a corner? I didn’t know.

I’m happy to say that, for 99% of my time at the visitation, things went smoothly. I was able to offer my consolation to several members of Jamin’s family and to meet up with some old friends. Of course, a few people did ignore me, including an elder who had been childhood friends with my Dad and a young man I knew ever since I attended his baby shower over 20 years ago. They never made eye contact with me; they remained in conversation with other “sheep” and it seemed they would just choose to pretend I wasn’t there.

I attended the visitation with my friend Melanie. As we prepared to leave the main room, we stopped one more time to give Jamin’s mom a hug. I spoke to her, and then stood near the entryway of the room waiting for Melanie to speak with her one more time. As I stood there, I looked out into the commons area and saw one of Jamin’s brothers. I decided I would say goodbye to him on our way out the door. Standing next to Jamin’s brother was an elder from my former congregation, whom I will call “Larry” (not his real name). I unintentionally made eyecontact with Larry, and as soon as he recognized me, he swiftly turned his head away. He didn’t just dart his glance, no, he actually made a point of turning his whole head away while simultaneously speaking to Jamin’s brother Jacob. In all appearances, his actions made it seem he was afraid of me.

First, I was mad at him. I had been specifically invited to the visitation by the mother of the deceased. I was dressed appropriately, and I was warmly received by all in Jamin’s family. Yet Larry had the audacity to treat me with such contempt? I was fully prepared to smile and wave at Larry had he allowed himself to treat me with common decency and not dart away his eyes immediately after realizing who I was. If anything, I should be angry with Larry, since, as an Apple Valley elder, he was one of the assholes who ordered my mother to prohibit me from attending her wedding WHICH WAS TO TAKE PLACE IN HER OWN HOUSE. Despite this, I was willing to set aside this enormous grievence and act with politness and composure at this solemn occassion.

Once Melanie said she was ready to leave, we walked out into the commons area. Jacob was still talking with Larry, and I touched Jacob’s arm as a quick way of saying goodbye. Jacob turned to me and reached out his hand to shake mine. Instead, I held my arms open to initiate a hug. We hugged, and I was now face-to-face with Larry who, standing no more than three feet away, had no idea where to divert his eyes. He was visibly nervous. His head hung low and his hands were in his pockets. I pat Jacob on the back, expressing my sorrow once again for his loss.

Then Larry made me feel sad. I thought about what a decent guy he had been for the most part. He had allowed me to come and sleep over at his home when I was a teen and when I was friends with his sons. He was hospitible, he was a good speaker, he was generally easy-going. I was saddened to see him forcing himself to act against his conscience. It was sad to see him so deluded that he actually thinks it would upset the god of the bible if he even looked at me. Or that, should we even exchange two words, that simple “hi” would be enough to ruin his life-long belief structure. Larry walked about ten feet away, parking himself by a couple of Jamin’s other family members as if he suddenly had an urge to talk to them. A couple of times, he obliquely looked my way, waiting for me to finish speaking with Jacob so that he could come back over and continue speaking with him.

In the meantime, I continued talking to Jacob (another non-Witness). He lives in another state, and so it was sincerely good to see him for the first time in years.  We ended our conversation with another brief hug. I put on my coat and I’m sure Larry watched as I walked down the hallway and out of the building with a woman who is not my wife.

Unlike Larry, I could support Jamin’s family and friends not because they shared the exact same beliefs as me, but because they are genuinely good people. I didn’t have to try to squeeze in references to some empty promise with the hope of ‘reminding’ Jamin’s brothers to return to the Witness fold (and then remember to report that time to the Watchtower Society). I did not have to feel that it was my god-appointed duty to shun people as an act of divine punishment. 

Then I realized, hey, why am I mad or sad? An elder – the very same elder who used to call me wanting to know how much time I spent passing out literature each month – didn’t talk to me. And that made me glad.