{"id":1651,"date":"2011-07-01T15:18:47","date_gmt":"2011-07-01T20:18:47","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/zimmerscope.com\/Verbisaurus\/?p=1651"},"modified":"2011-07-01T15:18:47","modified_gmt":"2011-07-01T20:18:47","slug":"listen-to-god-and-live-forever","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/zimmerscope.com\/Verbisaurus\/2011\/07\/listen-to-god-and-live-forever\/","title":{"rendered":"Listen To God and Live Forever"},"content":{"rendered":"

Friday, 01 July 2011<\/strong><\/p>\n

It’s that time of year again: time for the annual conventions of Jehovah’s Witnesses. The conventions scheduled for here in the midwest will be taking place in Rochester (again) starting today. But let’s face it, attending those conventions is a drain on your vacation time, wallet, psyche, and reasoning abilities. Still, you are eager to find out what new “food” the “faithful and discreet slave” plans to provide “in the proper time” (HINT: not hoagies). So I’m here to help.<\/p>\n

There are actually two brochures scheduled to be released at the conventions; both are titled Listen to God and Live Forever<\/em> – one is a ‘standard’ issue brochure, and the other is a ‘simplified’ version. Below are some highlights of the new brochures. Here’s a fun game: try to figure out if the images displayed are from the standard brochure or the simplified version…<\/p>\n

\"\"<\/a>\"\"<\/a>Here’s an image and the accompanying caption from page two. I don’t have much to say about it except that, well, this pretty much sets the tone for the whole brochure. Notice: God teaches people EVERYWHERE. Yep, even the billions of people who do not worship the god of the bible. They don’t say it here, but the Witnesses god also teaches people the best way to die, too (refuse a blood transfusion).<\/p>\n

\"\"<\/a>Here’s a picture from page nine. I like that Satan looks like such a bad ass. I mean, he’s not the typical horned, hoofed red guy we usually see. Instead, he looks like James Coburn<\/a>. Which is awesome.<\/p>\n

\"\"<\/a>Why do humans die? Simple: ‘Cause they’re related to Adam and Eve. Also, the dead can’t see or hear OR DO ANYTHING. It says so right here on page 11.<\/p>\n

\"\"<\/a>Page 11 also has this gem: Jehovah did not mean for people to die. Honest, it was an accident. He didn’t want it to happen and since he’s not, you know, all-powerful or all-knowing or anything, there wasn’t anything he could do about it.<\/p>\n

\"\"<\/a>YES! I love it when the Watchtower Society talks about the flood. It’s so cute. Notice: Noah brought into the ark “every sort of animal” (page 13). Geez, think of the tanks he must’ve built for the whales and sharks. And plesiosaurs<\/a>.<\/p>\n

\"\"<\/a>On page 14, we learn that ALL the WICKED people died. Though it’s tough to see in my scan of the image, this included children. Those wicked, wicked children. It did not, however, include the angels who adopted human form. They’re not people, evidently.<\/p>\n

\"\"<\/a>Here’s an image from page 15. I have a better idea for a caption: “Some people are like Noah. They think all the world’s animals can fit in a single boat and that plants can survive a year-long deluge; they are Jehovah’s Witnesses.”<\/p>\n

\"\"<\/a>Also on page 15: More wicked people. This includes people who slow dance and use ridiculous gestures when giving speeches.<\/p>\n

\"\"<\/a>Page 25: I agree – You can<\/em> pray about food, employment, shelter, clothing, and health. But damned if it will do any good. Like the time I prayed to Jehovah to help me find employment that would allow me to keep pioneering. He said no.<\/p>\n

\"\"<\/a>Page 26: The bad news is, Jehovah’s Witnesses are taught to be homophobes. The good news is, they’re also told not to vote. So don’t worry, Minnesota, we won’t have to worry about them next November<\/a>.<\/p>\n

\"\"<\/a>I just had to include this image from page 26. This is exactly what our home looks like the moment I get home from work.<\/p>\n

\"\"<\/a>Page 27 tells us sex outside the marriage is wrong. As you can see, this man has left his big-busted, red-haired, tight-assed wife for a frumpy hag. Bad move. Jehovah will kill you. Even though he doesn’t mean for people to die. Also, it appears that polyandry is just fine.<\/p>\n

\"\"<\/a>Page 28: Raging homophobia, part II. This is especially relevant because all the gays that work at the Watchtower Society can finally get married<\/a>.<\/p>\n

\"\"<\/a>Page 31: Nothing draws a person closer to god than hanging out with Witnesses. I know I never felt closer to His presence than when Mike Lewis was condemning me for contemplating using a “just married” sign on our car at our wedding.<\/p>\n

\"\"<\/a>Here’s an image from the back cover. Have I mentioned how awesome it is that Satan is depicted as such a bad ass?<\/p>\n

There you have it. Save yourself the trouble of attending the convention. This is all you need to know. If it’s too late to cancel your hotel arrangements, I suggest you attend the Pride Fest<\/a>, instead.<\/p>\n

Oh – and have you figured out if these excerpts are from the standard brochure or the simplified version? Come on, just the fact that I asked should clue you in to the answer.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Friday, 01 July 2011 It’s that time of year again: time for the annual conventions of Jehovah’s Witnesses. The conventions scheduled for here in the midwest will be taking place in Rochester (again) starting today. But let’s face it, attending those conventions is a drain on your vacation time, wallet, psyche, and reasoning abilities. Still, […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[4],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-1651","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-current-events"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/zimmerscope.com\/Verbisaurus\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1651","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/zimmerscope.com\/Verbisaurus\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/zimmerscope.com\/Verbisaurus\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/zimmerscope.com\/Verbisaurus\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/zimmerscope.com\/Verbisaurus\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=1651"}],"version-history":[{"count":4,"href":"https:\/\/zimmerscope.com\/Verbisaurus\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1651\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":1693,"href":"https:\/\/zimmerscope.com\/Verbisaurus\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1651\/revisions\/1693"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/zimmerscope.com\/Verbisaurus\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=1651"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/zimmerscope.com\/Verbisaurus\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=1651"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/zimmerscope.com\/Verbisaurus\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=1651"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}