Tuesday, 05 July 2011

So, I remembered that I had all these things that I wanted to write about Owen. I keep putting it off because, well, none of it is relevant to one specific day – which is the goal of this blog – but then I figured, “eh, who cares?”
About a month ago, I said that Isla was 300 days old. This, of course, prompted my number-crazed son to inquire as to how many days old he was. I told him that would take some calculating. I showed him how I had to multiply his 6 years times 365 days in each one of those years, plus one additional day for when he was two years old. Then we had to add in the days that had passed since his most recent birthday (which had only been about three weeks earlier). When I arrived at the sum, Owen seemed impressed. Jennifer and I moved on to other topics of conversation, but a few minutes later Owen said: “Hey, I was 2,011 days old on my birthday and this year is 2011.” I stopped for a minute to figure the numbers in my head. Then I said something like, “Yeah, you’re right!”
I thought that was a pretty amazing feat. First, he had to subtract the correct number of days to arrive at his birthday. Then, once he realized he was 2,011 days old that day, he had to make the connection that his age (in years) matched the year number. Pretty impressive.
Of course, I should mention that my calculation was wrong – later tallying revealed him to be well past 2,011 days old. Still, Owen’s math was right.

Around the time when Owen finished Kindergarten, I asked him if he remembered last year, when he graduated from preschool. He said he did remember that. We talked about it for a while, and then he asked why he had to wear “that funny hat.” I explained that it’s called a graduation cap, and it’s a tradition for people to wear that cap on the day they finish high school or college. I told him his preschool class was mimicking those traditions. “Oh,” he said, “I thought you only had to wear those hats if you were from a certain country.”
This completely baffled me, so I asked, “What country are you talking about?”
He said, “I don’t know. It’s like, National American something.”
I started laughing. Owen had no idea what was so funny, but I kept on laughing. Finally, I said, “Do you mean National American University?”
Yes, that was what he meant. Having seen some daytime commercials lately (now that school is out), Owen has come across those danceable National American University commercials. Those commercials include scenes of students wearing said caps. Not familiar with the word “University,” Owen just took the two words he does know (“National” and “American”) and just assumed this was a commercial inviting people to come visit that great country of National American. Provided, of course, they wear the right hat.

I bought Owen the book Volcanoes and Earthquakes. Big mistake. While he enjoys learning about the science of plate tectonics and the Earth’s crust, he is mortified at the extent of human suffering from these natural causes. On one page, he saw what looked like casts of human corpses. He asked me if those were real people or if it was just an artist’s rendition of what it would look like if people died from a volcano. I looked at the page and saw it was discussing the excavating of Pompeii. I told him that the bodies had long since decomposed, but that the rock had hardened around them and presevered their poses at the moment of death.

Ooops.

Owen immediately pointed to the figure of a dead child and began crying. Jennifer and I tried to explain to him that we don’t live anywhere near a volcano and that, with modern technology, experts can often predict when and where a volcano is likely to erupt and people who do live nearby can head for safety. This, of course, doesn’t mitigate the past suffering, and Owen asked, “Why do people who are pregnant move to where there are volcanoes?” I tried to explain that those people probably lived there their whole lives and might have had no idea when or where volcanoes went off.

Owen has really gotten a soft spot in his heart for babies and young children ever since Isla has been born. I think, seeing her, he realizes how vulnerable to just about everything (even themselves – Isla would probably choke on carpet lint within hours if left to her own vices).

If you want to read more about our kids, check out my wife’s latest blog post: CLICK THIS! (Fun fact: If I try to click on this link while at work, I get transferred to a Websense page telling me the site is blocked due to sexual content.)

Wednesday, 06 July 2011

As noted previously, my bondage to AT&T expired near the end of last month. After two years, it was time to move on from AT & shitTy. I called up their ‘customer service’ hotline last week, just to verify that my bondage was concluding. When the woman on the other line learned that I planned to jump ship and move on to a competitor as soon as possible, she began offering me all sorts of things: She’d let me upgrade to a new phone at no extra charge, she’d waive some stupid fee, she’d allow me to have a longer trial period for my next AT&T phone.

“Yes, yes,” I told her, “That’s all very nice, but you’re only saying that stuff now that I have the power to go elsewhere. When I was under contract, you were unwilling to do those things. So, back then, I told your reps that as soon as the contract expired, I would move on. So that’s what I’m doing now.”

She apologized for their past actions, but I told her that was too little, too late. I explained that her company claims to have a 100% customer satisfaction guarantee, but that I was never satisfied and they never cared. Therefore, they are lying when they say they strive for 100% customer satisfaction and I don’t wish to continue doing business with a company that lies. She said something about other companies being more expensive, but I pointed out that all other companies have something going for them that’s more important than money: They’re not AT&T.

Anyway, I planned to reactivate my old Verizon phone, which I kept stored in a box under my bed these two years. However, the head of the house said it would be more cost-effective to get on her parents plan. I could visit the Sprint store where her sister works, she explained, and get a phone from someone I know and then just pay my in-laws ten bucks a month to hop on their plan.

Fine.

So now I have a Samsung phone. I hate the brand name “Samsung,” because everytime – EVERYTIME! – I see or hear that name I think of Neil Diamond’s “Song Sung Blue,” and I do not need Mr. Diamond coming into my brain every day.

Today I got a call from an impersonal Sprint HAL-9000, that asked me all sorts of questions about my visit and purchase. Of course, I gave high marks all around (since my sister-in-law’s reimbursement is influenced by such surveys). It seemed a bit silly to give a ‘5’ (Very Satisfied) to questions like, “How satisfied were you with the lay out of the store?” After all, I don’t fucking care about a phone store’s layout. In fact, it looked just like a typical suburban, bland waste of space…like every store I’ve ever worked at (and nearly everyone I’ve visited, too). But, you know, I was trying to be charitable.

Here’s what I like about my new phone:

-It’s not AT&T

-It takes pictures

-The screen stays on while I’m talking so I can see if I’ve lost connection

-I can edit my contact names, so people like Rpbertb can be easily edited to Roberta without having to enter in a new entry

-Contacts can hold more than one phone number, so I don’t have to have people listed two and three times anymore

-It’s a flip-phone. This is important because flat phones (like my wife’s iPhone) would just be ruined in my pocket, and slide-open phones slide open in my pockets and gobble up lint.

Here’s what I don’t like:

-It’s a little wider and longer than my Verizon phone. Not by much – maybe a quarter inch in both ways – but it makes a difference. It’s not as comfortable to hold when I’m talking. More importantly, it takes up more space in my pockets. When I sit down, if it teeters on top of my leg, it’s just fine. But if it slides out to the left (I keep it in my left pocket), then it’s more likely to just slide right out or at least tug on the pocket. If it slides to the right…um…well let’s just say I keep other things in between my legs and so a phone is competing for space with other, um, packages.

-It has a screen on the front. Yeah, I don’t like this. If I want the use the phone, I’ll flip it open. A screen on the outside is just asking to be scratched or broken, especially since I keep my keys in the same pocket. (And, no, I can not keep my keys in a different pocket!) My wife suggested putting duct tape over the screen, which I may do eventually, but in the meantime, I’ll just allow that stupid, pointless screen to exist for however brief it’s life may be. Once I crack/break/chip it, then I’ll cover it with duct tape.

-The brand name on the outside reminds me of Neil Diamond. And, in fact, I listened to the entire song while typing this blog post. Damn.

Saturday, 02 July 2011

So here is one of the most interesting blog posts I’ve read in a while. In it, Greg Laden (who has Harvard degrees in Archaeology and Biology) writes about the difference between evolution and origin-of-life sciences. This was of particular interest to me because in at least one video I’ve made recently, I imply a difference between the start of life and the development of life since that point.

Of course, as Dr. Laden points out, the distinction is arbitrary because, well, we don’t know exactly when life began or when, precisely, ‘things’ went from being non-living to living. The comments associated with his post bear this pout better, but a valuable reason for splitting evolution up into these two domains is when responding to Christians (which is exactly what I’m doing in those videos). Christians, of course, like to claim that their god started life. A subset of those Christians also claim that species have not diversified from that point, but were each created, immutably, in current form directly from their god.

On the first point (god started the ball rolling), I don’t really have any qualms. I mean, I see no evidence for the idea that a deity lighted the spark, but there’s no hard-core evidence regarding life’s moment of commencement. Again, this would be tough to pinpoint even if we could hop in our Delorean and go back in time, becuase a lot hinges on what, exactly, makes something alive. So, it’s likely we’ll never know when and where life started (although there are a few good theories that are a lot better than ‘according to Genesis…’).

However, only a buffoon would deny that species change, via natural selection and mutation, over time. To me, this is the evolution that is undeniable. Even if a god – especially the Jehovah variety – revealed himself to us humans tomorrow, evolution would still be a fact. He (or she) might say, “Yeah, I’m the one who created life,” but evolution would still have happened and be happening. The only way to not accept this is to be sheltered from a real understanding of evolution, which is what many Christian religions strive to accomplish.

Sunday, 03 July 2011

Though we are trying diligently to save money this weekend, we ventured over to IKEA for lunch. They have a special going on this weekend in which kids get to eat free. You don’t even have to buy an adult meal! This was readily apparent when, upon arriving at their dining area, I noticed a table of ten people: two adults and eight children.

Anyway, Jennifer and I did buy lunch for ourselves, but we also scored a free lunch for our spawn. I think this marks the first time we’ve ever purchased a restaurant meal for Isla. She didn’t eat all of her meal, of course, so we packaged up the rest and took it home.

We also let Owen play in the play area for 45 minutes. Parents can just drop their kids off and go shopping. Well, we didn’t shop – we just sort of wandered around the store – but it was still relaxing to have Mr. Nervous Energy off playing somewhere else for a while.

Also today: Owen and I whipped up a batch of sun tea:

I know it looks really appetizing here, but I made it too weak. One way I’m gonna solve that problem is by preparing sun tea in smaller containers from now on. This appears to be safer from a health standpoint, too.

Monday, 04 July 2011

In an effort to stem our yearly tradition of lame-ass fourth of July observances, my wife made arrangements for us to hook up with some friends in Stillwater this evening.

The parking was terrible! I think everyone in Minnesota descended on Stillwater. I dropped my wife and kids off right at the restaurant where we were to meet with our friends (Brine’s – which is just about the only place in downtown Stillwater to have a decent meal), then drove off looking for parking. My usual spots were all taken, so I just ended up driving around. I passed on the opportunity to park in one lot for $10, then circled out of town and came back in on one of those ridiculously steep streets. Ten more minutes passed and then I found a spot – at 45 degrees – about four blocks form the restaurant, so I parked there.

Anyway, apart from that, the day was pretty great. We walked around Stillwater, bought some tickets for our kids to play on the inflatable sliding/jumping things and then hunkered down right on the shore of a very flooded St. Croix River. At 10:00 sharp, and to strains of Also Sprach Zarathustra, the fireworks began. With the sun down and a cool breeze coming off the water, the weather was perfect. She fireworks were the best I’d seen in a while (it certainly helped being right at ground zero. Isla thought they were amazing, as was evident from her incessant clapping and pointing. At about 10:15, she turned to Jennifer and decided to start nursing and, despite the noise, the lights, and the crowds, she fell asleep. Owen was disappointed when the fanfare was over, but like a good trooper, he climbed the mountain back to our car and, along with his sister, slept for the ride home.

Also today – I posted this video from March 1992. It features my friend Rhett, who passed away six years ago today. Have a look:

Friday, 01 July 2011

It’s that time of year again: time for the annual conventions of Jehovah’s Witnesses. The conventions scheduled for here in the midwest will be taking place in Rochester (again) starting today. But let’s face it, attending those conventions is a drain on your vacation time, wallet, psyche, and reasoning abilities. Still, you are eager to find out what new “food” the “faithful and discreet slave” plans to provide “in the proper time” (HINT: not hoagies). So I’m here to help.

There are actually two brochures scheduled to be released at the conventions; both are titled Listen to God and Live Forever – one is a ‘standard’ issue brochure, and the other is a ‘simplified’ version. Below are some highlights of the new brochures. Here’s a fun game: try to figure out if the images displayed are from the standard brochure or the simplified version…

Here’s an image and the accompanying caption from page two. I don’t have much to say about it except that, well, this pretty much sets the tone for the whole brochure. Notice: God teaches people EVERYWHERE. Yep, even the billions of people who do not worship the god of the bible. They don’t say it here, but the Witnesses god also teaches people the best way to die, too (refuse a blood transfusion).

Here’s a picture from page nine. I like that Satan looks like such a bad ass. I mean, he’s not the typical horned, hoofed red guy we usually see. Instead, he looks like James Coburn. Which is awesome.

Why do humans die? Simple: ‘Cause they’re related to Adam and Eve. Also, the dead can’t see or hear OR DO ANYTHING. It says so right here on page 11.

Page 11 also has this gem: Jehovah did not mean for people to die. Honest, it was an accident. He didn’t want it to happen and since he’s not, you know, all-powerful or all-knowing or anything, there wasn’t anything he could do about it.

YES! I love it when the Watchtower Society talks about the flood. It’s so cute. Notice: Noah brought into the ark “every sort of animal” (page 13). Geez, think of the tanks he must’ve built for the whales and sharks. And plesiosaurs.

On page 14, we learn that ALL the WICKED people died. Though it’s tough to see in my scan of the image, this included children. Those wicked, wicked children. It did not, however, include the angels who adopted human form. They’re not people, evidently.

Here’s an image from page 15. I have a better idea for a caption: “Some people are like Noah. They think all the world’s animals can fit in a single boat and that plants can survive a year-long deluge; they are Jehovah’s Witnesses.”

Also on page 15: More wicked people. This includes people who slow dance and use ridiculous gestures when giving speeches.

Page 25: I agree – You can pray about food, employment, shelter, clothing, and health. But damned if it will do any good. Like the time I prayed to Jehovah to help me find employment that would allow me to keep pioneering. He said no.

Page 26: The bad news is, Jehovah’s Witnesses are taught to be homophobes. The good news is, they’re also told not to vote. So don’t worry, Minnesota, we won’t have to worry about them next November.

I just had to include this image from page 26. This is exactly what our home looks like the moment I get home from work.

Page 27 tells us sex outside the marriage is wrong. As you can see, this man has left his big-busted, red-haired, tight-assed wife for a frumpy hag. Bad move. Jehovah will kill you. Even though he doesn’t mean for people to die. Also, it appears that polyandry is just fine.

Page 28: Raging homophobia, part II. This is especially relevant because all the gays that work at the Watchtower Society can finally get married.

Page 31: Nothing draws a person closer to god than hanging out with Witnesses. I know I never felt closer to His presence than when Mike Lewis was condemning me for contemplating using a “just married” sign on our car at our wedding.

Here’s an image from the back cover. Have I mentioned how awesome it is that Satan is depicted as such a bad ass?

There you have it. Save yourself the trouble of attending the convention. This is all you need to know. If it’s too late to cancel your hotel arrangements, I suggest you attend the Pride Fest, instead.

Oh – and have you figured out if these excerpts are from the standard brochure or the simplified version? Come on, just the fact that I asked should clue you in to the answer.

Thursday, 30 June 2011

This evening marked the last class for the “Women in Literature” course. The course isn’t quite done yet – I have to stop by the professor’s office and turn in my final paper by 5:00 tomorrow – but at least I don’t have to show up for class anymore.

I don’t think I’m ever gonna enroll in an accelerated course again. And by “accelerated” I don’t mean “difficult,” I mean “fast.” The course began on June 6th. In the three and a half weeks since then, I’ve had class eight times (two hours each time), plus an online lecture, an individual half hour meeting with the professor, and several discussions on the “Blackboard,” which is the school’s online discussion board. I’ve also had to read three novels (totaling about 800 pages) and watch three films.

On the upside, from May of 2010 until May 2011, I had a grand total of eight credits from Hamline University. In the past six weeks I’ve managed to double that. So, yay me!

Tomorrow, after 5:00, I plan to get on with about ten other things I’ve been meaning to get to lately. Stay tuned.

Tuesday, 28 June 2011

So, I wanted to start off this post by saying “Worst month ever,” but then I decided that would be a gross exaggeration. Instead, I’ll just say this has been a terrible month – the worst one in the past year, that’s for sure.
Let’s see…where did we leave off?
Ah, yes: Since my birthday (June 11th), during which time we had a sick baby at home, Jennifer and I both got sick. In fact, I can’t ever remember being as sick as I was on the 17th. I felt it coming on in the afternoon of the 16th – while I was still at work. I barely made it home. My wife was sick. I tried helping with the kids, but I did a lousy job. Two hours later, I had to leave for class, where I pretty much just sat and had the cold shivers for 2 hours.
Stayed home from work on the 17th.
Was still really sick on the 18th. We were both too sick to take Owen and Isla to a birthday party we were invited to. Owen also had to decline an invitation to spend the day at a classmate’s home. Tried laying in bed again, but healthy kids have zero compassion for sick adults, so when my wife said she was feeling sicker, I got out of bed and tried helping with the kids.
Attended the Pride Parade in Minneapolis on the 26th. About halfway through, I got a migraine (my first one in, like, two years) and we had to leave early. Thought I was going to throw up on the lightrail.
With my headache barely kept at bay, I managed to get to work on the 27th, but a persistent pain in my skull rendered me useless.
Then there’s the house-hunting ordeal. As I’ve stated before – I’m not talking about. It’s been terrible. Contact my wife if you want info.
Through all of this, I’ve been enrolled in an accelerated summer class at Hamline. I’m not entirely certain if it’s been the accelerated pace or the content itself, but this has been the toughest class yet at Hamline, and undoubtedly one of the three or four toughest college classes I’ve ever had. Did I mention that, while sick, I had to read the 300+ page Pride and Prejudice? That godawful pile of shit might be the worst novel I’ve ever had the displeasure of reading. Thinking about it makes me nauseous.
Anyway, I’m back here now, and I’ll try to maintain this blog again.

Wednesday, 29 June 2011

Okay, so now I’m realizing that this month hasn’t been an incessant barrage of crappy experiences. In an effort to reclaim something positive from June, I will now list a few good things:

-Owen graduated from Kindergarten. In between his sickness and his parents’ sickness, Owen successfully attended the last two days of class. Jennifer and I showed up a half hour before class was done on the last day, and we joined in the celebration. The teacher played a QuickTime movie of the year, then passed out cards for the kids. We had snacks and juice and got to look at Owen’s bigger projects for the year. We took a picture of him standing by his ‘desk’ and then took him out to eat, where we gave him a small gift.

-Owen lost his first baby tooth. About a week after Kindergarten was done, Owen lost the tooth. It had been loose for over two weeks, and he refused to help it along. It just kind of fell out one morning. He put it in a special box under his pillow and, in the middle of the night, I swapped it for some gifts and a gold coin (no, we do NOT do the tooth fairy).

-Here’s my latest book review: REASONABLE ATHEISM. One of the author’s wrote to me thanking me for my even-handed analysis of the book.

-One Father’s Day (June 19th), I was still sick, but at least well enough to function. My sick wife took Owen out to the store, and they returned with a present for me, accompanied by a homemade card from Owen. So, that was nice. Owen had also drawn me a picture two days earlier to help me feel better. It seemed to work.

-One of my quizzes was selected for the front page on Sporcle earlier this week. Here it is: LANDLOCKED AND ALONE. Pretty cool to know that 20,000+ people have played a quiz I created.

-An extremely condensed version of my book has been accepted for publication in an upcoming issue of FREE INQUIRY. I was given the option of submitted either an excerpt or a condensed version and, though I would have preferred an excerpt, I really couldn’t find a ~2,000 word chunk of the book that was capable of standing on its own, so I gave them a condensed version. An “extremely” is a perfect word; the version appearing in the magazine will be approximately 1% of the total length of the actual book. I just set up an algorithm in Word to select each 100th word, and then I mailed that to the staff at Free Inquiry. It doesn’t make any sense, of course, but they liked it.

-My daughter was kissed by Al Franken. Damn. Twenty years ago, while watching Stewart Smalley, I never would have thought that one day I would have a daughter and that that daughter would be kissed by Al Franken who, by that time, would be a senator. And why would I think something like that anyways? Yeah, so, I know it’s a cliche’, but I held Isla out from the crowd and Senator Franken planted one on her cheek. He’ll get my vote again in 2017. Unless Michele Bachmann is running against him.

-Finally…

My good friend Tim Galdunick is now a father! His wife gave birth to Charlotte Elizabeth on Tuesday morning. HERE IS THEIR BLOG POST ABOUT IT. I’m very happy for Tim and Madie, and I hope that they find parenting to be as life-changing (in a good way) as Jennifer and I have. I would love to post some sort of congratulatory comment on their site but, despite the fact that they say they’d love to hear from people, I don’t think they want to hear from me. Oh well. If you know Tim and Madie Galdunick – or even if you don’t – please go to their site and wish them well on their new adventure with Charlotte.