Tuesday, 20 March 2012

Today I toured Imagine! Print Solutions in Shakopee. Here’s a video about the place (watch the first three or four minutes at least, there’s some unexpected, quiky humor in there):

Anyway, after the tour, a co-worker and I stopped for lunch. The restaurant had TVs suspended from the ceiling and CNN was playing (I hate restaurants with TVs!).

When I glanced at the screen, I saw some footage of Rick Santorum. Suppressing the urge to vomit, I asked my co-worker if he had yet decided on how he planned to cast his vote for president this fall.

He repeated something he’d said to me once before: though he’s a lifelong Republican, he’s probably gonna vote for Obama.

Last time he said this, we were moments away from commencing a meeting a work. But this afternoon, there was no such event to get in our way. So I dug a little deeper.

Turns out, my co-worker is unimpressed with any of the main contenders for the Republican nomination. That’s no shock…but it also doesn’t mean that he has to vote for Obama. He could choose not to vote. Or he could vote a candidate who is affiliated with neither the Republican nor the Democratic party.

My co-worker explained that, though he did not vote for Obama in 2008, he has been impressed with the fact that Obama openly changes his mind.

Now, in today’s political climate, I think that’s really saying something. Most candidates continually bloviate  about how wonderful they are for not changing their mind. Ever. The example that came to my mind while speaking with my co-worker was the Grover Norquist Pledge. My co-worker noted that, conversely, Obama stated during his campaign that he intended to close Guantanamo Bay but has since revised his stance.

He said his biggest issue with Obama is his healthcare reform. Two things in particular that he did not like:

1) The Democratic-controlled Congress rammed it through. My co-worker admitted that Republicans would – and have – done the same thing with their pet projects. But regardless of the party…he doesn’t like that behavior.

2) It’s just not the right time. Overall, he likes the reform per se, but felt giving it a priority during a sagging economy was not the most prudent course of action.

All in all, I found it a fascinating conversation. I am not engaged or well-read enough in the political field to analyze this fully, but in my limited time taking an interest in the government, I just couldn’t find anything to argue about here. And that’s great. I also think it speaks to the lack of viable options that someone who voted for Bush/Cheney in 2004 and Palin/McCain in 2008is now throwing his hat in the Obama ring.

Wednesday, 21 March 2012

Yesterday, while waiting for the above-mentioned tour to begin, I mentioned to this lady from my job (for some reason – I think I was trying to make a joke – I know, why else?) that I am left-handed. The co-worker standing to my left (how appropriate) said the he, likewise, was a lefty. Meanwhile, the co-worker I had originally been joking with, said she was glad to have a couple of lefties to talk to. As she said this, another guy got into our conversation and said that he, also, is left-handed. This made the lady positively beam with delight that she had the attention of three left-handed people.

She explained that she is not left-handed. We offered our condolences.

She next said that her young daughter is left-handed and that she’s worried that her child writes from right to left. “Is that a problem?” she asked.

Of course, being a group of smart-asses, we noted that it’s not a problem assuming her daughter is Chinese or Jewish. But then we gave some light-hearted examples of doing things “backwards” so that they work for us. One of the guys suggested the girl is simply trying to mirror her right-handed mom.

I asked how old her daughter was. Hearing the reply, I asked if she started Kindergarten yet. “No,” my north-pawed co-worker said, “not yet.” I then, with no qualifications whatsoever, bestowed upon her daughter a clean bill of mental and motor-skills health.

But later, I felt bad we hadn’t offered her more help, or at least been more serious. So this morning, I sent her an email saying, in part:

Don’t worry about your daughter writing right-to-left: CLICK HERE!

This, at least, gave a serious response from someone who’s thought about the matter for more than 30 seconds while waiting in the lobby of a printing firm in Scott County.

My co-worker responded with gratitude and we exchanged some more emails on the topic.

Anyway, it appears her daughter will, in fact, be just fine. Meanwhile, maybe I should bone up on my sinister qualities. I am asked about them frequently.

Friday, 16 March 2012

I stopped at Northern Brewer on my way home from work today.

Two friends emailed me an e-flyer from the brew supply proprietor advertising their 15% off beer kits sale. So, I figured my friends were concerned that I wasn’t producing enough beer.

I carried two beer kits up to the counter. The man behind the counter rang up my sale, and I stupidly didn’t say, “Don’t forget to give me the 15% off.” I know that sounds silly, but I always remind cashiers to give me a discount price or use the coupon I just handed them. When I was younger, I just assumed cashiers knew to use coupons or special offers that were being advertised. Turns out, they often forget. I think they get so used to the routine of doing things, that they don’t stop to think about the additional step of applying the discount.

I am, however, simultaneously aware of the fact that handing someone a coupon, then reminding them to use it can come across as a tad condescending. So I’ve been a bit more clandestine about it lately: while making the purchase, I try to mentally calculate the total and then, when the cashier reveals the exact total, I decide if it seems plausible or not.

But today I was distractedly talking to the cashier about some yeast I have at home. This caused the dual problem of him forgetting to give me the 15% off, and me forgetting to note if the price seemed correct.

When he handed me the receipt, I noticed there was no discount listed. So I asked if he gave me the discount. He didn’t. He said he’d have to refund the sale and ring it again.

But then he swiped my card for a second time, and his computer locked the sale because they have this safety procedure in place that prevents the same card from being used twice within ten minutes. This is a great idea because, as everyone knows, only criminals use credit cards twice in ten minutes at the same store. Duh!

Anyway, this very competent employee kindly asked if I had another card to use. No, I didn’t. So then he politely asked if I wouldn’t mind “hanging out” for a few minutes. In return, he offered me 20% off on everything (not just the kits).

So I did. There are worse things in life than having to hang out at a brew supply store for 5 minutes.

Saturday, 17 March 2012

Tonight Owen and I lugged out the old telescope. Or, rather, I lugged it out and hooked it up to the tripod and the scanner and removed the cover and inserted the best lens and scanned the night sky and focused the eyepiece while Owen stood nearby and asked a novemdecillion questions.

Jupiter was out in full glory this evening. Despite living in a light flooded city that was partying to the hilt paying tribute to some Irish bloke, we managed to zoom in on the gas giant and check out its colorful banding. We also spied three of the Galilean satellites. Of course, they don’t show up as anything more than points of light and – due to their busy dance around Jupiter – I did not know which three they were; but it’s still cool to be able to see them. I view them as nature’s way of saying “fuck you” to the Pope. But to Owen, I just said, “Did you know humans didn’t even know those satellites existed until 400 years ago?”

Regardless, I was pleased to see that Owen seems capable of enjoying sky viewing now. In past years, he seemed incapable of looking through a telescope without touching it (a definite non-no!), and even if I held his hands behind his back, he couldn’t seem to look straight down into the eyepiece. This is important because any parallax greatly obscures the view.

We also checked out Venus, which is probably the most boring planet you could hope to look at through a telescope (no red color, no satellites, no rings). Owen thought it was funny that, even though Jupiter and Venus appeared so close, our own planet actually orbits in between them.

Sunday, 18 March 2012

Local bar and grill Shamrock’s had a helluva brouhaha going on yesterday. A large tent erected in their parking lot on Friday (and barely visible from our windows) testified to the coming St. Patty’s Day revelries. Yesterday featured cars parked up and down every street in the neighborhood, and people with green spray-painted hair and gaudy necklaces walking the sidewalks. The live music kicked off sometime in the afternoon and continued until 11:00PM.

This morning, while I was outside making improvements on the yard, two people walked by with trash bags.

“Good morning,” they said, “how are you doing today?”

I said I was fine, but I wasn’t very friendly about it. They continued picking up trash and then the guy asked if the noise bothered me last night.

Yes, of course it bothered me. I don’t want to hear anything, ever, unless I choose to hear it. In fact, I wish I had eyelids on my ears so I could close my ears whenever I wanted. No – wait – I wish I could only hear if I had special “hearing aids” in my ears that I could remove at will, such as anytime there’s a commercial on or whenever I go to bed.

But, in an effort to try something new,  I didn’t want to come off as a complete jackass. So I just said, “It was fine once the music stopped at 11:00.”

Then I thanked him and the lady that was accompanying him for picking up the trash.

I thought about going inside and playing a U2 CD, but I didn’t feel like any noise.

Monday, 19 March 2012

Today, my wife and daughter met up with me for lunch. We decided to eat at El Rodeo, due more to its convenience than anything else. I had lunch there once before – with a group of co-workers about three years ago – and I recalled it being pretty decent.

Well, that memory was wrong.

Feeling a little adventurous, my wife and I both requested iced tea. The waiter brought the beverage to us, then quickly whisked away. Jennifer noted that the iced tea was weak – so weak, in fact, that it just tasted like flavored water. Mine was the same way. When the waiter came over to take our order, this conversation ensued:

JENNIFER: This iced tea tastes really weak.

WAITER: Okay.

JENNIFER: I don’t want it.

WAITER: Okay.

JENNIFER: Well I’m not gonna pay for it.

ME: Yeah, mine doesn’t taste right either. Is there maybe a problem with the dispenser?

WAITER: Okay. Well can I take your order?

We ordered and, as the quasi-competent waiter was walking away, I said, “And bring us a couple waters, too.”

Wow,  compared to the incident at Northern Brewer (see above), this waiter should get a different job. I mean, he could have said sorry. And he could have offered to try again, since, yes, sometimes the dispenser line needs to be cleared. Or, if that wasn’t the case, he could have suggested substitutes. Instead, his incompetence put me in a bad frame of mind for the rest of the meal. He also lost out on giving me a higher bill which, in theory, should’ve yielded him a higher tip.

Our food came soon after, and neither my wife nor I could distinguish between the burrito and the enchilada. And I don’t think they use cheese in their meals. My guess is they use Velveeta, which looks like melted plastic and tastes worse than soap (and, yes – I DO know what soap tastes like). The food tasted so bad, my wife had to bolt to the bathroom where she hung out for a few minutes in case anything was ready to come back up. She told me she was ready to say to anyone who entered the bathroom: “No, I’m not bulimic, the food is just that bad.”

Also – when we first sat down at the table, there were four settings of silverware. The hostess removed two of them, leaving us with only two settings (because 4 – 2 = 2). This meant that, while eating, Jennifer had to get up and steal a set of silverware from a nearby table because there were three of us, goddammit. And yes, the total number of people at our table was exactly three, not – as the hostess said upon our arrival – two and a half.

Anyway, when I got up to pay, I asked the hostess if there was a discount from my employer (because tons of places in town have a discount for my place of work). She laughed and said she didn’t know.

You know what else they didn’t know? How to get our repeat business.

Anyway, I saved on the tip.

Thursday, 15 March 2012

Okay, first: Can you believe it’s already been 2,055 years since Julius Caesar was assassinated? Seems like only yesterday. Where does the time go?

If 60 Roman Senators didn’t kill him, the food would have.

Second: When I checked my University email account this afternoon during lunch, I was pleased to learn that both of the essays I submitted for Hamline’s 2012 edition of The Fulcrum were accepted for inclusion. The editors invited me to a book release event in late April wherein I get to read one of the pieces. Also at that time, I will get several copies of the book, so if you want one, let me know. I am willing to autograph the book for a reasonable fee.

Third: After logging 23 non-consecutive weeks at #1, Adele’s album 21 has given was to the new Bruce Springsteen album, Wrecking Ball. While I was more than happy to see Adele continue to rack up weeks at #1 (and there’s no proof that 21 won’t get back to the top again), if she’s gonna lose the top spot to someone, I’m glad it’s Springsteen.

Wrecking Ball now gives the Boss his 10th number one album. This ties him with Elvis at third place for Most #1s ever. I’m not a Springsteen fan, but he certainly deserves the notoriety over so much of the genetically modified crap out there. And, now that I think about it, his 2006 album, We Shall Overcome, would definitely go on my list of favorite albums (holy crap! I think I just thought of an idea for another list!). We Shall Overcome, in fact, is the only Springsteen album from this century to not go to #1 on the album charts.

Certainly one factor affording Springsteen so many number ones is how prolific he’s been; he’s released 17 studio albums, 5 live albums, and five compilation (e.g., “Greatest Hits”) albums. Conversely, one reason why he doesn’t have more #1 albums to his credit is, well, his own fault:

In 1992, he released the albums Human Touch and Lucky Town on the same day. This meant he had to compete with himself for sales. The two albums peaked at #2 and #3, respectively. If he would have spaced them out by, oh, about a month, he surely would have garnered two #1 albums that spring.

Anyway, congrats, Bruce. Knocking Adele off the throne must’ve made it that much sweeter.

Sunday, 11 March 2012

 Perhaps inspired by my post yesterday, I was inspired to do more home-improving today.

First, I finished spray-painting the light fixture for our downstairs bathroom. It was shiny gold, now it’s matte silver, which matches the hooks, tap, and toilet handle a lot better. I actually think it’s a pretty ugly light fixture – it’s one of those wall-mounted styles with the bulbs jutting out all exposed and, boy, do I hate exposed light bulbs. If you want to give me a headache, invite me over to your house, turn your dining room lights on (which always seem to hang down a bit) and tell me to sit in the living room. The exposed bulbs will be in my peripheral all evening, and the squinting will give me a headache. On a related note, if you want to give yourself a headache, just invite me over.

Anyway, the bulbs are still exposed, but at least the metal backing is silver. And, despite what all the jewelery company commercials say, Silver > Gold.

Monday, 12 March 2012

Today I competed in Toastmasters’ “International Contest” for Area 51 speakers. By “Area 51,” I don’t mean the shoot-to-kill-if-you-tresspass area the government has cordoned off in Nevada, but the local area of Toastmasters clubs.

The competition was held at the Maple Grove Government Center. Only one person from each club could compete, and they had to be invited from their club. My club invited me to compete using my speech “A Backwards Speech.”

I didn’t win. I didn’t expect to win, actually, since I’m relatively new to Toastmasters and I knew I’d be competing against the best speakers from each of the surrounding clubs. But at least I was not disqualified (more on that in a moment)! My club’s President came to the event to provide moral support, and I think that was really awesome of her.

I knew I wasn’t going to win approximately a half hour before I gave my speech. It was then that the first speaker delivered his presentation and I thought, “Wow…that was pretty awesome.” Another downside to my speech was that I relied heavily on electronic media (using both Quicktime and PowerPoint). No one else used any sort of AV resources. Granted, I don’t think the judges counted this against me, but there was some difficulty with the logistics of the overhead projector and the speakers and my Quicktime movie was too quiet. Ugh. If I ever compete like this again, I’m not using electronics of any sort.

Now, about being disqualified: Members from Area 52 were also present. I thought they’d be competing with us, but they were given their own separate competition. Here’s the funny thing: Only one person from Area 52 was there to compete. Before the program began, one of the judges told her: “All you need to do is speak for 5-7 minutes and you’ll win!” Not very fair, I thought. Also, not very deserved. I don’t think I’d feel too proud if I had gotten home tonight and said: “Guess what? I won the competition by competing against no one!”

Well, when the time came to present the trophies, the Toastmaster first announced the winner from Area 51. He then opened the envelope for Area 52 and said, “We’ve had a disqualification, so there won’t be any winners from Area 52 tonight.” I turned to my President (who was sitting next to me) and said, “Awkward!”

Tuesday, 13 March 2012

Before class this morning, I stopped in and visited with the professor. She and I had arranged this time. We pulled up my transcript. Actually, she had me pull up my transcript on her computer, during which time I managed to drop her mouse off the die of the desk, and we figured out how many more history classes I need in order to know everything there is to know about history.

She seemed very on board with me getting a History Minor. Having just achieved an A on the last exam probably helped. I considered telling her that today marks the anniversary of Herschel’s discovery of Uranus – you know, to show her that I know history – but I couldn’t think of a way to phrase the sentence without giggling.

She next signed off on this paper I had with me – I think it’s called the Paper to Fill Out to Declare Your Major and Minor Paper – and so now it’s official:

I am a History Minor.

Or, would that be:

I am working on a Minor in History.

Or maybe:

Me get History Minor.

I don’t know. Maybe we should ask an English Major how to phrase it.

Wednesday, 14 March 2012

I updated the “Books I’ve Read This Year” tab (see above). I added another Ron Roy book. Roy is not only the most represented author on that list (which lists only books I’ve finished reading in 2012), but he is well on his way to being the most represented author on my list of books I’ve EVER read.

No – wait – I just checked: As of today, I have read more books by Ron Roy than any other author.

Just FTHOI, here’s a list of the most represented authors on my list…

Cecil Adams (5 books)

Ann Armbruster (6)

Dan Brown (5)

Beverly Cleary (8)

Arthur Conan Doyle (10)

David Feldman (12)

Gary Larson (7)

JK Rowling (8)

Ron Roy (13)

Lemony Snicket (5)

Laura Ingalls Wilder (9)

…Wow. That’s not what I thought it would look like. The list is almost totally fiction writers. I guess this makes sense because, if I like one book by a fiction author, I read their other books. The majority of books I read, however, are non-fiction, but such books are more subject-bound rather than author-bound. I also included only books that the author wrote or co-wrote entirely. I did not include authors if they’ve contributed to an anthology or wrote a preface for a book.

Anyway, Roy is #1. Expect his margin to widen in the coming months.