Sunday, 10 June 2012

This afternoon, in a fit of uncharacteristic spontaneity, we went to Jennifer’s parents’ house for the day. Jennifer’s sister was there with her family, too, so Owen and Isla got to play with their two cousins.

It’s hot and humid today, exactly like I don’t like it. So the adults pretty much stayed inside. The kids played intermittently in a kiddie pool, on a slip-and-slide, with the hose, and with a sand table.

After we’d been there for a few horus, Jennifer asked me if I’d like her to go out and buy a treat for my birthday. At first, I said no, since it’s not my birthday. My birthday is tomorrow. But, after thinking about if for five minutes or so, I thought to myself: “Don’t be such a ninny, James.” I realized it might be more fun to share cake and ice cream with the extended family than waiting until tomorrow after work. So I changed my mind.

Here I am with my cake:

 From the way I’m holding the cake, it looks like my shirt + the dessert say: “I’m bringing Happy Birthday,” but that was unintentional. Also – holy cow! – do I ever need a haircut. Oh – and that’s my brother-in-law-to-be in the background, there. I mention this merely because it’s not often I get to use a word with four hyphens in it.

Monday, 11 June 2012

So, unless your reading comprehension is deplorably low, it should come as no surprise when I say today is my birthday. I spent the day by going to work and then fighting traffic.  It was glorious.

Actually, in the evening, the four of us went out to eat at Chevy’s, which is a Mexican restaurant. Or, rather, an American interpretation of Mexican food, which is, in fact, the kind of Mexican-food interpretation I like best.

Tonight, my wife lit a candle atop the remaining one quarter of my cake (see: yesterday) and she and Owen sung me happy birthday. Isla joined in the festivities by wearing a silly grin the whole time. She also helped me blow out my candle.

My sister sent me a card, which thoughtfully arrived today, in which she wrote, “Holy shit you’re old.” She also called me to verbally provide birthday wishes. My Dad called, too, which I thought was kind of him.

Since I’m now another year older, I’ll also have to add another item TO THIS PAGE. But I haven’t yet. I’m still thinking of what to add.

You know, on every one of my birthdays, I think of my grandfather – my maternal grandfather. He used to call me every year on my birthday – not to say happy birthday, but to share a scripture with me. I guess it’s okay for Witnesses to do that, I don’t know. Now, these scriptures didn’t necessarily say anything encouraging, or have any sort of advise in them; no, the only reason why my grandfather selected them was because they mentioned the number of my new year. For example, when I turned twelve, he maybe told me to look up Genesis 35:22, where it says that “Jacob had twelve sons.” And when I turned twenty-four, he told me to look up Revelation 19:4, where it says something about twenty-four elders bowing down and worshipping God.

I used to try to make sure I caught his phone call each year and, on the rare occassion when I didn’t, I listened to his message, and made sure I looked up the scripture that very day. One time, I even pulled a concordance off my book shelf and looked up which numbers were in the bible. See, by my mid-twenties I started getting the feeling that not every number is in the bible, and so maybe my grandfather would eventually get to a year when he wouldn’t have a scripture to share with me. I needn’t have worried, though; I forget how high, but I think every single number up past fifty is mentioned at least once in the bible.

After Owen was born, my grandfather began calling on his birthday, too, and I remember reading Owen a scripture on both his first and second birthday (by which time I wasn’t even a theist anymore, but my grandfather didn’t know that).

Anyway, he doesn’t call me anymore. Since I’m not a Witness anymore, he believes it’s wrong for him to do something that was probably wrong for him to do back when I was a Witness. Oh well. Just for shits and giggles, then, here’s an encouraging passage from the Holy Bible that includes the number of my age:

“Uriah the Hittite. Thirty-seven in all.”
-2 Samuel 23:39

Thursday, 07 June 2012

I participated in another episode of Atheists Talk this evening. Usually when I do this show, I am the host, but today I was a guest. The topic was a discussion of the forthcoming book, Atheist Voices of Minnesota.

The three guests consisted of me, the head editor (Bill Lehto), and one of the authors. The host, George, asked questions, sometimes toward the group, and sometimes directed at a specific guest.

It was fun to discuss a book with which I’ve been so heavily involved. I’ve been on the show before to discuss books – lots of books. In fact, last year, I interviewed a librarian and she offered ten different books that serve as a great way to introduce young people to religion, and ten other books that are a great way to introduce people to science. I’ve also been on the other side, too: last year, George interviewed me about the book Disproving Christianity, for which I wrote a review.

But I’ve never talked about a book that involved me, before. It was pretty cool, actually, primarily because I knew the book so well. So, when George asked us if there were any essays that stood out as unique, I was able to -without any planning – immediately respond that there were two essays that come to mind, and then I gave the titles of those essays and discussed what I liked about them. (In fact, three essays came to mind, but I didn’t think it would sound fair if I extolled my wife’s essay as superb.)

Owen came with me and sat in the control room playing chess while I was on stage. Afterward, we had to stop to buy gas (because someone often likes to leave the car on empty), and so I bought Owen a treat as a way of saying ‘thanks for coming with me.’ He likes to buy those slushies and mix all the flavors together. I think he does this because it makes an already gross dessert even more nasty and he knows I won’t ask him to share.

Friday, 08 June 2012

Today was Owen’s last day of first grade.

As I’ve done on most Fridays, I picked him up after school. He and I said goodbye to his teacher and thanked her for her work. It might be the last time we see her, as she is switching to a different school this fall.

Usually, Owen and I head over to the corner drug store after school on Fridays, but today we went straight home to pick up Jennifer and Isla. Like last year, Owen got to pick where he wanted to go out for dinner, as kind of a celebration for finishing a year of school. Last year, he picked Chipotle. This year, he picked Buca, which was approximately five times the cost as last year. I hope this doesn’t indicate a trend.

Buca now has these signs that they set at your table. They say something like “Celebrating!” and if you are there to celebrate something, then you get one of these signs. Buca must be the place to celebrate stuff; the host even asks people that as they walk in the door: “And what are we celebrating today?” Owen gleefully announced it was the last day of school, and the host proclaimed this a worthy accomplishment to celebrate.

But they didn’t bring us a sign. So we asked. It was a big hit.

Saturday, 09 June 2012

I keep meaning to take pictures of Owen with the toys he’s made at Lowe’s during their Build and Grow events, and I just never get around to it. So, today, I’m making good on my self-promise.

The thing is, we were planning on going up to the cabin this weekend, but the meteorologist said the air would be hot and humid, and thunderstorms were projected. The cabin has no air conditioning, either, so it might not be comfortable sleeping. So, we stayed home, which is great by me, because we probably saved $50 worth of gas. Oh – and also we did some work on Isla’s room-to-be, our closet, and the downstairs bathroom.

Yeah, in fact, after nine months of relative inaction, Isla’s room has progressed immensely in the past week. Back on Wednesday, we finally sold two-thirds of the closet shelving in her room (hello, twelve hundred bucks, nice to see you!). More importantly, we moved all that shelving out of her room. Today, I took out these metal plates that were installed on the walls (to help stabilize the shelves), and Jennifer progressed on taping our closet. This is important, because our closet has, until this time, been Isla’s room. But now we’ve gotta suck it up and use our room’s original closet, so we need to finish mudding and taping the walls. This will then allow us to install shelving in there (and I plan to use shelving I removed from elsewhere in the house) and then Isla’s room won’t be a closet anymore.

Where was I? I think I got off the subject here. Oh, yes, here’s Owen with his apron on:

Notice the four circular decals he’s sporting from past events. The one in his hand is the latest edition, which hasn’t been ironed-on yet.

And here’s Owen with his five creations. He’s holding a “one” up behind the castle to denote that’s the first toy he constructed, and a “five” to show the latest one. From left to right, there’s a T. rex, an ice cream truck (with the decal in front), a chalkboard, a racecar, and the castle.

Tuesday, 05 June 2012

So, I am once again capable of listening to audiobooks in my car again.

Actually, I never lost the capability. As has happened a dozen times in the past, technology marched triumphantly into the future, while I stood here, in the present, shaking my fist and cursing whoever and whatever passed me by.

In the early days (where “early days” is defined as “approximately 2001-2009”), I rented books on tape from the local libraries. Ah, those were some good times! Driving to college or to work, or from one to the other, getting lost in a great story regardless of what else was going on or how bust I was…

But as those early days progessed, I noticed an unfavorable development: the number of books on tape was dwindling. By 2008, I estimate that 95% of all cassette tape books at the library were on one of three topics:

1) Empower yourself in the business world!

2) Learn this language!

3) An epic tale of romance, romance, and romance!

…Yeah, so not really much that I wanted to listen to.

The libraries were moving towards books on CD.

I wasn’t really excited about this. Primarily because my car does not have a CD player. But also because CDs don’t hold their place. See, when I listen to a cassette, as soon as I eject it, or shut off the car, it stops right where it is. But with CDs, I have to find my location everytime. A few co-workers have told me that they have audio systems in their cars that hold the spot on the CDs for them. I call those co-workers ‘overpaid.’

I used to have a tape adapter, too. It plugged into a Discman, and it allowed me to listen to my music collection (which is mostly CDs). But, eventually, the Discman pooped out on me, and I think the adapter broke, too.

Anyway, I’ve finally caught up with 2012. Well, to the extent necessary. Using an Amazon.com credit – which I received by selling a textbook to them – I bought a new Discman and adapter.

Today I began listening to The Swerve: How the World Became Modern, by Stephen Greenblatt.

Wednesday, 06 June 2012

This afternoon, I left work early to attend a program put on by Owen’s first grade class. The class recited several poems, then each student presented a brief book report endorsing a book they particularly enjoyed during this year. Then the adults got to look at samples of their kids writing and drawing from the year. There were snacks and beverages, too.

When I got to the school, I joined up with my wife, daughter, and mom-in-law. Owen thus had four guests, which I believe was the most any student had.

In contrast, several students had no guests. This was kind of strange to me: is there no one in those kids’ lives who can find 45 minutes out of their day to show up at the school? As it is, I rearranged some tasks at work, arrived at work early, then left work early, just so I could be there on time. I realize not every parent has a decent supervisor, fleixble hours, the autonomy to come and go as they choose, or oodles of sick and vacation time to squander on whatever suits their family…but, come one – doesn’t anyone in the kids family have some mid-day availability? Isn’t grandpa retired? Or what about an older sibling who’s already done with school for the day?

To paraphrase what I said to my wife and mom-in-law after we left: No one sits on a rocking chair on their porch, thinks back to fifty years earlier when their children were young and says, “You know, I never should have left work early that one day.”

Saturday, 02 June 2012

My sister and her husband came over today. They really love this restaurant that’s about three blocks from our house, so we all walked there. Then afterward, they took some vegetation from our yard.

The previous homeowner, in his infinite foresight, decided that the best way to up the value of his property was to landscape the shit out of the yard. I’m not sure why he didn’t think, “hey, maybe I should rennovate the basement,” or “maybe I should fix the porch so it’s not sliding toward the river,” but, he didn’t. Instead, he thought: “you know what prospective home buyers hate? Yard. So I’ll rip up the grass and do a quarter-ass job of putting in all manner of shrubbery.”

I suppose that is a great idea, if you’re going to sell your place to a couple of senior citizens. But if you’re going to sell to a family, with kids, then they’re gonna want more land, and less oversized bushes. And, yes, I realize this means more area to mow, but I don’t mind telling Owen to do it. Not at all.

So, today, my sister and her husband took five bags full of mulch and at least five bushes with them.

I’d like to say the yard is looking better but, in fact, it’s probably looking worse. But I think that’s just a stage it’s going through on its way toward re-beautification.

Sunday, 03 June 2012

 Today Owen and I drove to the compost heap (which is what we call it, despite the fact that I’m sure it has a better name). I stuffed ten bags – of both the large plastic variety and the tall, leaf sort – into the car, which is quite difficult to do when there are two child car seats in the back taking up space already. I managed to squeeze two into the front passenger spot, and five into the trunk. I squished one right on Isla’s car seat, and another in the middle in the back. I shoved the last one right behind the driver’s seat, which meant Owen used it as a footstool during our drive.

At the heap, I extracted the organic matter from our vehicle, while Owen either dumped out the contents(in the cae of the paper bags) or ripped open the bags (the plastic ones) and let the leaves, sticks, weeds, clippings, and roots splay out onto the ground.

A woman pulled up next to us in her pick-up truck and began shoveling compost off her bed. She was friendly, saying to me: “I see you’ve got your helper with you!” (This is something that everyone says when they see either Owen or Isla standing, walking, squating, interfering, annoying, or genuinely helping either me or Jennifer when we’re doing stuff outside.) I made some comment about Owen enjoying the work, and she said, “That’s a blessing!” I smiled and nodded and mumbled something. I wasn’t sure what she meant – was it a blessing that Owen liked to help? Was she saying God or Jesus or some deity was manipulating my son’s brain so that he enjoyed engaging in physical activity?

Later, the compost heap’s version of a State Trooper came by and said hello, then he moved on to the woman unloading her pick-up truck and said, “Woe, you’ve got quite a lot unload there!” This was especilly funny because the woman, though slightly shorter than me, was approaching 400 pounds. Her arms were easily of greater circumference than my thighs, a fact easily verified by her courtesy to wear a sleeveless shirt.

Anyway, she kept working away and said, “Yes, I’m gettin’ it done with God’s help.”

I was going to say, “Hey, we have something in common! Looks like God helps you as much as he helps me!”

But I didn’t. Instead, I just thought, “I’m gonna blog about this.”

Yeah, I think that a lot.

Monday, 04 June 2012

 Today, Jennifer scored some free sod.

Turns out, someone who lived nearby just piled some near the curb and posted online for would-be sodders to come and get some.

This is good timing because, as I noted above, we are removing large samples of flora and attempting to replace them with lots of small samples.

The funny thing is, this doesn’t appear to be of the same species as the rest of the grass. So, if you come to visit, except to see rectangular-shaped portions of our lawn to be noticeably different than the rest. This is just fine with me, though. I don’t want to promote a monculture; I think the variety helps with the health of all the plants in the yard. I suspect that after a few summers, the foreign grass will meld with the natives and it will seemless fade from one variety to another.

I suspect that, just like the United States, this will take at least 300 summers.

Oh well. No rush.

Friday, 01 June 2012

It’s that time of year again..Jehovah’s Witnesses are gathering en masse for their yearly District Conventions. If you live here in Minnesota and you’re obscenely hard-up for entertainment, you can head down to Rochester on the 29th of this month for the first of three days of peace, love, and music at the Mayo Civic Center.

Of course, the most only interesting thing is: what are the new releases going to be?

You could travel down to Rochester, like I said, but I’ll spare you the cost of a hotel room and a polyester suit: There are three new releases. The first two are brochures.

One is called Good News from God. I mean, Good News from God!

The “good news” is that God wants you to live forever as his eternal servant. If you don’t want to be his eternal servant, he’ll kill you soon. Oh – and he’s gonna kill nearly everyone you know, too. But he doesn’t want to kill you. I repeat: that’s the good news.

The other brochure is Who are Doing Jehovah’s Will Today?

In case any of the convention attendees are not totally sure what the answer to the titular question is, the Watchtower Society made it really easy to find out by putting the answer on the cover at least eight times.

The brochure answers lots of burning questions you probably have about God’s will-doers, like “Why do we dress up for our meetings?” (page 11), “How is our worldwide work financed?” (page 27), and “Why do Witnesses shun their own family members?” (page oh – look at that – they didn’t really put this question in their brochure).

But, for me, the highlight of this year’s convention is the release of a new DVD, titled Listen, Obey, and Be Blessed. It’s for kids. It’s animated. And it teaches them to obey. It also features Sparklock, the Dark Lord of the Elementary School Playground.

Sparlock. No, not Spurlock. Sparlock.

Sparlock is a tool of the Devil, as his goatee clearly indicates. You can explicit proof of Sparlock’s demonism in this still from the movie: Little Caleb’s mom asks him if wants to be disobedient like Adam and Eve, and Caleb immediately begins imagining a serpent descending from the dining room chandelier:

If you want a full synopsis of the children’s video, THEN GO READ THIS. If you want to watch the video, good luck to you – the Watchtower Society (who, ostensibly want to spread their message), have ordered every uploaded version of their masterpiece in technological achievement removed from the internet.

Oh – but here’s a fun clip. It’s from “Lesson #2” on the DVD, titled “Obey Jehovah.” It features Sparlock. Have I mentioned that Sparlock has quickly risen on my list of best fictional characters of all time?

Obey Jehovah, Caleb!

(Clicking on the above link will open another tab. The video will play in that tab.)