Save $5,000 a Month!

Apparently, when there’s nothing note-worthy to report on (like the latest Hollywood fashion or a 2.0 earthquake), the news gravitates towards money-saving tips. These “tips”, more prevalent in today’s Bush-whacked economy, get my vote for most pointless news items in existence. I mean, at least a report on Hollywood fashion gives us some eye candy, and a report on an earthquake that shook a leaf off a tree might be a harbinger to something we’ll really need to know.

These money-saving tips must work for only two people: People who, up until this moment, have never bothered to attempt to save money, but are now looking to do so and people who are too stupid to think of any way to save money by themselves. I’m talking really stupid, as in: “It sure would be nice if we had more spending money,” said Jack as he rolled up the fifty dollar bill, stuck it between his lips and lit it on fire.

Take this article, for example: http://finance.yahoo.com/banking-budgeting/article/105450/Cut-Your-Spending-by-%24500-Per-Month

Here’s one tip they give: Lower your car insurance payments. Okay, who doesn’t know to do that? That’s like saying, “if you want more food in your refrigerator, take less food out of it”. And, anyway, there are good reasons to not go with the cheapest car insurance company. Other so-obvious-they’re-painful tips include: pay off your credit card, don’t go over on your cell phone’s minutes, stop paying bank fees and put more in your 401K (oh yeah, that’s sure to help with the day-to-day making ends meet problem).

Another gem is here: http://green.yahoo.com/blog/greenpicks/191/saving-gas-isn-t-just-for-tree-huggers-anymore.html

To save gas, this article recommends not driving your car to work. It also mentions not idling your car and not going through the drive-through.

I’d like to, just once, see a “money-saving tips” article in which the tips are not 1) simply restating the title of the article; 2) so obvious that everyone already does them anyways (or at least knows they should) or 3) things that you can’t just do even if you want to (such as moving to a cheaper city).

Following the astute insight such writers have in saving us consumers money, therefore, I humbly submit my list of money-saving tips:

1. Don’t spend your money.
If there’s something you want to buy, like food or clothing, don’t. It’s as simple as that. Multi-millionaires don’t want you to know this secret, but now you do.

2. Try to find an item of equal quality but of lower cost.
Why spend $5,000 on a used car when you can spend $500 on a used car? Why spend $10 on lunch when you can spend $1?

3. Accumulate more money.
Stop volunteering! Demand your employer give you monetary reimbursement for the services you provide for the company. Also, if you have something of value, trade it for cash. Or at least for a receipt you can then use when you itemize your deductions.

4. Stop consuming gas and electricity.
Why drive 20 miles to work when you can walk? Why turn on the lights at night when you can sit in the dark? Unplug your refrigerator and your alarm clock. Use your computer as a paper weight.

5. Only do free things.
Don’t invite people to your house, where they’ll consume your electricity, water, toilet paper and put wear and tear on your furniture and silverware. If a friend invites you to go somewhere, decline. If you get invited to someone’s home, don’t offer to bring anything. Ask them to pick you up.

My Bid for the Presidency…

http://www.news3online.com/index.php?code=3Guw215uxd7ibj046z56

One more feather in my Sight-seeing cap

So, after more than 33 years, I finally saw one of those famous (at least by local standards) Paul Bunyan/Babe the Blue Ox statues. Specifically, my wife, son and I stopped by the one in Bemidji near the shores of the lake with the same name. We didn’t trek up north with the purpose of seeing Paul. In fact, I didn’t even think we’d be going into Bemidji. But we went camping about a half hour away and, since the weather was its usual self (crappy), we spent the day exploring this outpost of civilization.

And if that’s not enough local culture, get this: the very next day, as we drove home, we stopped for lunch in the town of Hackensack:

Turns out, this is the city where Paul’s girlfriend beckons from. So, we also got a chance to see the slightly less-tall and slightly less-popular Lucette statue.
(Okay, so Lucette isn’t exactly what I’d term a “pretty face”, but I think if I was a twenty foot tall guy, she’d have a certain appeal that most other ladies would lack. Go Paul!)

All this local culture got me thinking: why is it that locals never explore their own area? Oh, I’m sure some do, but isn’t it funny how people will make huge travel plans to go across the globe and see the Eiffel Tower, yet never bother walk across town to the local museum? It’s like the shoemaker’s kids who went barefoot. I remember being in New York City once, and I asked my friend (who had lived there for over a year) if he’d ever gone to visit the UN. He said he hadn’t, and I was stunned.

But maybe I shouldn’t have been. After all, what have I seen of my own state?

Here, then, is a list of notable landmarks and tourist attractions (I hate that term, but, oh well) that I’ve visited here in the Great State of Sky Blue Waters:
*Duluth Lift Bridge
*The Metrodome (Twins games and a U2 concert!)
*The Bemidji Paul Bunyan
*The State Fair
*The Minnesota Zoo
*The Mall of America (God, I even worked there)
*Minnehaha Falls
*Split Rock Lighthouse
*Lake Superior
*The Mayo Clinic
*Gooseberry Falls
(And, I’m not sure if these are as significant, but here are some other sights I’ve seen in our state: The Duluth Zoo, The Skyway System, The U of M, Summit/Grand neighborhood, Lake Mille Lacs, The St. Croix River, The Minnesota River, The Oliver Kelley Farm, Murphy’s Landing, The Glensheen Mansion, Valley Fair, The Lock and Dam system on the Mississippi, the Science Museum, Landmark Center, Rice Park and that shitty Great Lakes Museum in Duluth.)

But here’s what I’ve missed:
*Voyageur’s National Park
*Angle Islet
*The Minneapolis Sculpture Gardens (Yes, I’ve seen that spoon/cherry thing from the road, but I’ve never been there)
*The IDS Tower (again, I’ve seen it, but I’ve never gone inside)
*The Mississippi River headwaters
*Fort Snelling (God, I can’t believe it – it’s right stinkin’ there, and I’ve never visited)
*The Foshay Tower
*The Spam Museum (Okay, I’m not sure this qualifies as ‘notable’, but I am curious)
*The State Capitol
*The James J. Hill House
*The Como Conservatory (Even my son has one up on me here – and he’s only 1/10th my age)
*The Brainerd Paul Bunyan

Have I missed anything of significance? I gotta start seeing more sites…

(Am I the only one who thinks this is a bit macabre for a family-friendly park? Kind of reminds me of Abraham and Isaac.)

Happy Birthday To Me

Today marks #33. I’ve outlived Anne Frank, Lady Jane Grey, Billy the Kid, Patsy Cline, Buddy Holly, Kurt Cobain, Jimi Hendrix, Janis Joplin, Jim Morrison, Bruce Lee and Alexander the Great. Jesus, in two months, I’ll have even outlived John Belushi. Speaking of Jesus, I’m set to overtake his age by year’s end, too.

So, I will combine my love of birthdays with my love of list-making. Here’s a list of every birthday I can remember, and how I celebrated it…

5 years old – Last day of preschool. It was career day. I dressed up as a doctor.

11 years old – My Golden Birthday! This was the last day of 5th grade, in which I won an award for perfect attendance (probably the least-proud of any award I’ve ever gotten). It was raining all day, and after trudging home from the bus stop, I asked my mom if I could go play with one of the neighborhood kids, just to have something fun to do. She said no. Bookstudy that night.

18 years old – My high school graduation ceremony was held on this day, so I definitely did not go there. Instead, I attended my friend Jeremy’s graduation ceremony along with our mutual friend Andy. Afterwards, we went back over to his parents’ place for a barbecue. That evening, I did what every 18yr old male in this sexist country must do, I registered.

21 years old – Had dinner with my fiance’ and with my friend Nick at the Applebee’s at Snelling and University (which is no longer there). Ordered my first drink…in America. Since, only six months prior, I had been in Germany and ordered enough alcohol to last a decade, this wasn’t such a big deal.

24 years old – Took a plane ride to Dallas compliments of the American Board of Optometry.

30 years old – Dropped my 4-week old son off with his Grammie. Then, Jennifer, Stan, Kara, Nick (not the same Nick as above) and I went to the theater to see “Star Wars: Revenge of the Sith”.

32 – Blew out canldes on a cake & made a wish for the first time.

For the past several years, I keep having this idea that I’m going to blow out enough candles to make up for a lifetime of not blowing out candles. This gets increasingly ridiculous with each passing year. I’ll have to plan that one out real well. Maybe next year.

Media Whore

Sometimes, I find myself in a place or predicament, and I wonder what choices I have made in life that led up this point. It’s kind of a fun little game I play in my mind to keep me interested in life. Like the time I found myself walking out of a job I’d have for 7 years. Or the time I was sitting in my office tape recording a phone conversation. Or the time I was leading a state trooper on a high speed chase. Okay, so that last one hasn’t happened. Yet.

The most recent time I had such a thought, was last night. For the first time since the morning of December 17, 2006, I was wearing a necktie. I was sitting on a chair, in front of 3 cameras, interviewing a doctor of theology. How do I get into these sort of things? Beats me.

The show was “Atheist Talk”, and it airs once a month on various obscure cable channels. The podcast will be made available here: . We filmed two episodes, one in which I interviewed Dr. Steves as he discussed a “Thought Driven Life” and another as he addressed the topic of studying the bible as literature in the public school system. And where was the shows normal host? Well, that would be Dr. Steves, and since he couldn’t very well interview himself, I was recruited for the job. I think I came across very wooden, rigid and nonconversational – a lot like I am in real life. All in all, though, a pretty good time and a fun experience (even if I did have to don a phallic symbol around my neck).

Oh, here’s proof:
I’m the guy on the right, feigning interest.