Making Connections

Yesterday, I was playing some music for all the household to hear, and a Billie Holiday song came on.  My son looked up from his toy trucks and said: “Oh, this song is like Annie,” which was his way of saying the music he was hearing was of a similar style to much of the music in that favorite motion picture.  Later, the song “Star Trek Rhapsody”, which is a parody based on “Bohemian Rhapsody,” came on.  My son said, “This sounds like WALL-E”.  Again, he was right: the sound effects in that song are very reminiscent of the sound effects in his favorite film.

I think it’s great that someone so young is already able to spot similarities in unrelated bits of daily life.  Maybe it means he’s smart, or maybe it just means he’ll be a comedian one day.  Either way, I think such pattern recognition should be encouraged.

His nonchalant comments reminded me of one day, about 25 years ago, when I was in second grade.  My elementary school used to have these things called “Picture Day”.  I don’t mean the day when all the kids try to look their best and pose for a lousy keepsake photo.  No, I mean the day that volunteers actually came into our class with a painting.  The paintings were on loan from the library, and the volunteers were usually librarians (though, for some reason, I have this hazy feeling that some of the volunteers were mothers’ of the children).

I liked Picture Day.  The whole class would sit on the floor in a semi-circle and the volunteer would pull out a large reproduction of a famous painting and tell us the story of how this painting came to be and why it’s important.  I learned a lot about art and history thanks to Picture Day; one time a volunteer brought in Christina’s World.  Another time, a volunteer came in with a painting of Dan Patch (of significance because my elementary school was named after Marion Savage).

One day, a woman brought in two paintings.  When she pulled out the first painting, it was totally covered with tagboard.  She then opened up a flap that revealed a small portion of the painting.  In the flap, we could only darkness and some stars.  She asked if we had any guesses as to what time of day the painting was depicting.  Of course, we all shouted out “night time”.  Then she opened another flap, revealing what looked like a bright sun.  So then we were all confused.  Then she removed the whole piece of tagboard.  It was then that we saw Van Gogh’s Starry Night.  I was immediately drawn to the picture; it was undoubtedly my favorite painting that anyone had ever brought in for picture day.  

As she spoke to us about the painting, however, I couldn’t shake the feeling that I had heard the words “starry night” somewhere before.  After much thinking, it finally occurred to me and, so, when she asked if we had any questions, my hand shot up into the air.  “Does this painting have anything to do with that song that goes ‘starry, starry night’?” I asked.  I was referring to the Don MacLean song, “Starry Starry Night”, of which my father owned the single.  She scrunched up her face and, looking really put out at the question, said: “Well, yes, but let’s focus on the painting, here.”

After fielding a few more questions from the class, she pulled out her next picture: a painting depicting a scene from the Battle of Greasy Grass Creek.  I had never heard of Little Bighorn, or of George Custer, but, again, by sheer coincidence, as she told the story of the battle and the painting, I recalled another song my Dad owned.  So, at question time, I again raised my hand, and asked if this painting bore any connection to the funny song “Mr. Custer”.  This time, my teacher shot me a cold glance, as if I was acting out of line, and the volunteer, who assumed I was just trying to be funny, said, “Well, we’re not gonna talk about that song, it’s very disrespectful to Custer”.

Here’s what I learned later in life: Custer was a supreme asshole who deserves no respect.  And even if he did, guess what?  I wasn’t talking about the actual historical event.  I was inquiring about the painting.  Maybe Larry Verne’s parody song was just a stupid parody song, but the painting was, well, just a painting.  And while I’m fully on board with the notion that Van Gogh’s contributions to the arts far exceeeds Don MacLean’s, guess what?  It’s still just a painting.  

Another thing I learned is that making connections like that helps the brain grow and stay alert.  Despite what I learned in school.

Downy Up on the Third Floor

birdWhen I found out we’d be moving to the third floor of an apartment building, I decided it wouldn’t be a good idea to bring my bird feeder.  Oh, I like having bird feeders around, but I thought that the bird seed would get all over the neighbors’ decks on the second and first floors.  So I gave my feeder to my sister.  

I wasn’t that sad to see it go, really.  The feeder sometimes went weeks without attracting a single bird and, on the rare occasion I’d see birds fluttering around by it, it turned out to just be a murder of crows (yes, that is what a group of crows is called).  If I couldn’t attract anything more interesting than crows in the small town we lived in, I didn’t think I’d be able to do much better in the city of Mr. Paul.

But last summer, I noticed something.  Well, I noticed lots of things, but the one thing in particular I noticed was that the tenants on the first and second floor both had bird feeders.  “Perfect,” thought I, “If I buy a feeder, not only will my neighbors not mind, bbut I’ll actually be doing them a favor – any food that drops down will increase their ability to attract birds!”

Well, I didn’t get around to buying a feeder until November.  I purchased this nice, homemade wooden number from a craft fair held at my job.  This had numerous advantages: inexpensive, non-plastic, custom-made, and the money went to a good cause (i.e., a co-worker).  I did have to modify it a tad, however, as the sides kept splitting apart from each other, allowing seeds to fall out.  A well-placed screw seems to do the trick.

So, the other day, my wife tells me a woodpecker dined at our feeder.  I had seen this woodpecker once before: last summer he landed on the wooden slats of our deck and began boring his bill into it (bye-bye, damage deposit).  

Today, our friend returned.  The photo shows the brave soul clinging to the feeder as only a woodpecker can do: he is under the impression that he must remain vertical when eating, probably a genetic predisposition born from a long line of tree borers.  

I pulled my trusty Critters of Minnesota off my shelf.  Here’s what I discovered: this is a downy woodpecker (Picoides pubescens).  The showy bit of red on the back of the head indicate that this bird is a male.  He likes to live in wooded areas (we live two blocks away from a huge regional preserve), grows from naked, blind hatchling to full-grown in less than a month and helps his lady companion care for the young.  

Oddly, my book claims these birds grow to a maximum of 6 inches, and I estimate this guy to be about 8 inches.  Minnesota is also home to the pileated woodpecker, but those are much bigger and don’t have the black-and-white patterning on the wings.  So, either this is a pileated in disguise or a larger specimen than any the authors of Critters have ever come across.

According to the printing on the bag of bird seed, the sunflower seeds, cracked corn and suet in the mix all help to attract woodpeckers.  I was unaware that this woodpecker had looked at the printing on this bag, but I guess I learn something new every day.

My goal is to get a better photo (when the windows aren’t fogged and frosted from winter) and some video.  Maybe I’ll get a whole robbery of woodpeckers!  I’ll also leave the wood putty nearby in case the managers do a surprise inspection.

A Letter to My Third Least-Favorite Retailer

Dear Best Buy:

Last year, for the first time in over a decade, I entered your store and made a purchase. I had decided not to shop at Best Buy after disastrous customer service in the past, but my wife insisted that your company would have the best buy on TVs and, well, you did. Through a series of coincidences, I also came in to possession of a $100 Best Buy gift card and a coupon for 40% the purchase of a GPS. This coupon, incidentally, I discovered while geocaching with a friend in Frontenac State Park. There was an entire book of Best Buy GPS coupons, along with a flyer explaining that Best Buy was working with the State Park system to encourage geocaching (and requesting that each individual only take one coupon).

Needless to say, I was exciting. I enjoy geocaching but, lacking a GPS, I either have to go with a friend that does have a GPS or try to locate the caches via print-outs (not terribly successful).

So, in September, I went in to the Eagan Best Buy. Neither of the two employees who I spoke with that day even knew what geocaching was. They were thus unable to answer my questions about the various GPSs. I asked if they could show me how one particular model worked and, after pressing random buttons for five minutes, the employee said: “Well, these are new, so we haven’t been trained on them yet”. I left without buying anything.

I searched online for the models that I felt would work best and then visited the Maple Grove location. The employee who approached me also had no idea what geocaching was. I showed him print-outs of the two GPSs I liked best and told me that the store did not have them in stock. I asked him if another store in the area had one of the GPSs, and he shrugged his shoulders. So I asked him to show me a comparable model. He claimed ignorance and told me to wait for another employee. He went over to that employee (who was busy with other customers) and told him to help me next. After waiting ten minutes, I left the store empty-handed once again.

A few days later, my wife, who decided to buy a GPS for me for Christmas, visited the Mall of America location. They didn’t have the GPSs, either, and they were incapable of suggesting a similar model to my wife, saying that since the GPSs were new, they’d had little training on how to use them.

Two weeks before Christmas, I stopped at the Roseville location. The employee informed me that his store did not have either of the GPSs (which I found at Best Buy’s website) either. He knew how to look up the availability and told me that no store in the region had the GPSs in stock. (I could have ordered the GPSs on-line, but the coupon was only good for in-store purchases.) I asked him if he could suggest a comparable model, but, after playing around with a few GPSs for 15 minutes, declared that he lacked sufficient training. So I spent a half hour looking at the GPSs myself. Finally, I went up to the employee and said: “If you can show me how this GPS works, I will buy it.” He was unable how to show me how to perform even the simplest function. (To me, this is akin to asking a phone salesperson how to make a phone call on a particular phone, and having them say they don’t know how.) So then I said: “Listen, if you can find any employee in this store who knows how to use this GPS, I will buy it right now.” He walked up to a couple of employees and cursorily asked them if they knew how to use GPSs, but they both shook their heads ‘no’ and continued on with their conversations.

Figuring that the Roseville store was unusual in this regard, I returned to the Eagan store. Again, no one knew how the GPS I had selected functioned. The day before Christmas, I stopped at the Apple Valley location, but, again, no employee knew even the most basic workings of a GPS.

On January 1st, the coupon expired. My wife and I visited the Apple Valley Best Buy and used our $100 gift card on various trivial items.

I am completely astonished that I did not purchase a GPS. With my gift card and coupon, a $500 GPS would have only cost me $200 out-of-pocket. I really wanted one. And yet, no employee – at five different locations – was able to competently demonstrate this device.

I hope this letter serves to make you aware of the need to train your employees on the use of the items they sell. Particularly in tougher financial times, customers are not likely to make six trips to five different locations to purchase an item they don’t really need.

As for me, I am considering swearing off Best Buy once again, having been stridently reminded of the poor service I experienced there in the past. If you can offer any help in the area of acquiring a GPS, I’d appreciate it.

Thanks for your time.

Good-bye 2008, I hardly knew ye

Well, good-bye 2008.

GOALS:
I’m happy to say I met some of my goals for the year, including: read Tom Sawyer; read Huckleberry Finn; run in a race; continue learning guitar; and finish the first draft of my book. Some goals, I didn’t make at all, such as: learn to yo-yo; brush up on my German; and edit our wedding video. Oh well.

One of the goals I listed for the year was: Create at least one new film. I’m happy to say I made TEN new films in 2008, and with two films from the year still needing to be edited, that number could bump up as high as 12. So, totally kicked ass at that goal.

I also had a goal of writing for a newsletter/magazine. I met this goal in April, when I wrote a short article for Minnesota Atheist Newsletter about an upcoming speaker. But I did even better when I wrote a review of the film WALL-E (see below), an essay on the definition of “atheism” and two on-line articles:one about Christmas and one discussing the Catholic Church’s forgiveness of John Lennon. That Christmas article was also accepted for posting at the Rake and Memoirs of a Godless Heathen. My definition of atheism essay was also published in the PIQUE (a secular humanist newsletter based in New York). I hope to do better with my writing in 2009. Things are looking promising. Century College accepted an essay I wrote to be published in their book Breathing In this spring.

8 GREAT DAYS IN 2008:
March 22nd – Attended “American Atheists Convention” in Minneapolis with my friend Ryan. Got to meet Dr. Krauss, bought some awesome books, a fun t-shirt & Ryan introduced me to Baja Sol (a great Mexican fast food place). Also, it was nice to hear some mentally-stimulating talks for once.

May 14th – Jennifer and I celebrated Owen’s birthday with him by taking him to Nickelodeon Universe, Underwater Adventures and the Rainforest Café. A nice break in the middle of the week.

May 18th – Heard Grant Steves speak on cults, then hurried back home for Owen’s birthday party.

August 14th – Owen and I checked out the Twin Cities’ Railroad Train Museum, had lunch at Jimmy Johns, visited the library & hung out at a park we’d never been to…just for the heck of it. Another weekday well spent. Bonus: Owen fell asleep fast and easy that night.

August 25th – Jennifer and I visited Fort Snelling along with her immediate family. Got in for free, there were no crowds and we had a fun time. Afterwards, Jennifer’s parents treated us to dinner for our anniversary.

September 21st – A free day at Valleyfair thanks to my place of employment. The day was made even better spending it with two old friends and one new friend.

December 21st – Jennifer, Owen and I froze our asses off at Murphy’s Landing. A very cultural and appropriate (considering the season) activity. Bundled up under blankets with hot tea and cocoa when we got home.

December 25th – Happy Birthday, baby Jesus! The three of us traded gifts with each other, then drove to Jennifer’s parents’ house for more holiday fun, then off to her Uncle and Aunt’s place where the whole family celebrated. I played Wii, board games, the dice game, ate, drank & made eye contact with my wife everytime someone said something “Catholic”.

ONE LOUSY DAY IN 2008:
Okay, there were many, including my recent two hour+15 minute commute home. But the booby prize has to go to…
March 7th – Yeah, I was happy to be leaving Big Lake, but not happy to wake up the sickest I was all year. I felt like passing out on the table during closing, and especially enjoyed learning the man buying the house was a curmudgeon, then used what little strength I had to finish packing, then had to go pick up a moving truck (did I mention it was below zero?). I didn’t even have the strength to pull the ramp out of the truck I was so sick. Jennifer’s sister helped, but this meant I had to watch two toddlers. We had less help than we predicted, so it took a long time to load the truck. In the cold darkness, I nervously drove the big truck an hour away, with Jennifer driving behind, calling me to let me know when it was safe to change lanes. Her parents met us at the aparment long after their bedtime, and we unloaded the truck. Finally, at 11:00, I had to drive the truck an hour back to Big Lake. It was so cold, my frozen hands couldn’t locate where to plug in the truck, so I had to set my alarm for every two hours that night. I’d get up, don my coat and boots over my pajamas, then go sit in the truck for 15 minutes while it idled. A bad, bad day.

CINEMATIC EXPERIENCES:
I saw six films at the theater in 2008 (okay, I actually saw seven – but I’m excluding Sweeney Todd as it was from 2007): 2 animated, 2 documentaries, 2 big-budget blockbusters. I’m happy to report they were all well worth the money (particularly The Dark Knight, which my friend Ryan paid for). Allow me to detail…

U2:3D – Holy cow! This documentary didn’t let up. I was actually hoping for it to chill out for a few minutes just so my heart rate would stop. I saw this at the iMax, which undoubtedly helped. Still, sweet footage, first-rate music. A

Horton Hears a Who – For the first time in nearly two years, my son joined my wife and I at the theater. I am pleased to report that he enjoyed himself to remain seated through the entire showing. A good movie based on a great book – way better than the film version of The Grinch. B+

Indiana Jones and the Obnoxiously Long Title – Decent fourth (but woefully delayed) outing in a great series. Better than Temple of Doom, not as good as Raiders or Last Crusade. Probably the worst of the six films I’m listing here, but still, worth a look. B

WALL-E – The best Pixar film ever (and that’s saying something), WALL-E was so fraught with cinematic bliss I didn’t even have time to realize how much it made me think until it was over. Unique among the films I saw at the theater in 2008, WALL-E was promptly added to my list of 50 best motion pictures of all time (Sorry, Rebecca, you’ve dropped off the list, but I still have a place in my heart for you). A+

The Dark Knight – Another outing at the iMax, Dark Knight was the best Batman film ever (though that’s not saying much). I jumped, I gasped, I gripped the armrest, I wondered why in hell they bothered with the two-face storyline. B

Religulous – Bill Maher is so full of himself, I thought I was watching Michael Moore at times. Regardless, Maher humorously made some excellent (and, at times, uncomfortable) points, culminating in his 10 minute Armageddon-back-dropped tirade against religion. Though I suspect he’s just preaching to the choir (pun intended), any movie that exposes religion as the pernicious fairy-tale that it is is alright in my book. B+

Of course, not every movie I saw this year was at the theater. The best film we rented was United 93, which, I think, is not only the first time I viewed a drama based on a historical event that happened in my lifetime (I’m just a tad too young for All the President’s Men to fit that bill), but also blurred the line between fiction and non-fiction. I had to make room for this amazing film on my top 50 list (Sorry, Mary Poppins, guess you’re not practically perfect in every way).

The worst film I saw this year was Umberto D, which is one of those films that film snobs watch so they can maintain their snobbiness. It was long, depressing and pointless. Oh – I guess I should mention Casper: A Spirited Beginning, which was so god-awful (pun intended) that my wife and I couldn’t even finish it.

LANGUAGE:
2008’s word of the year: GEOCACHING.

Another Half Read

Almost always, if I read past, say, page 10, I finish a book. After reading the reviews of the book, the back cover (yes, I do judge books by their covers), and scanning the Table of Contents, I plunge into books full well expecting to finish them. Even if the book is sub-expectations, I like to finish it (just as I endeavor to finish all movies I start) if for no other reason than to put it on my list of books I’ve read and to have the freedom to dismantle its lousy content.

It is with great regret, therefore, that I must report that I did not – and will not – finish reading “Star Wars on Trial”. I mean, it sounded promising: an entire book featuring a mock courtroom drama in which prosecution and defense deconstruct the merits, morals and meaning of some of the greatest (New Hope, Empire Strikes Back) and worst (Phantom Menace) films of all time.

Why not finish?

For starters, there were two introductions. I always read the introductions, for reasons stated above (see par. 1), but let’s be honest: no one wants to read the introduction. It’s like the instruction manual for a video game: just a necessary how-to that everyone wants to skip. So having two was, well, a terrible kick-off. As were the opening statements (essentially a phase-two of an introduction) that lasted until page EIGHTY-ONE!

I also assumed, judging from the fact that a mock courtroom is displayed on the book’s cover (and the fact that the judge is named “Droid Judge”), that the text would read like we were in a courtroom. But the book’s authors constantly referenced the book itself. For example, when one lawyer asked for a moment to respond to an allegation, the judge said, “Try to limit yourself to half a page”. This line would have been way better had it been “Try to limit yourself to one minute”, thereby maintaining the illusion of being in a courtroom.

Worse, the authors began by saying anything in the six films were fair game, but then constantly referenced books, comics and other Star Wars paraphernalia that lost me, and served as a constant reminder that we were not in the Star Wars Universe but were, instead, reading a book about some stuff George Lucas makes money off of. One author seemed to think it was worthy of note that he had authored to novel version of Revenge of the Sith – so much so that he cited his “credential” three times. He also claimed to have insider information from Lucas himself that verified his claims, but simultaneously (and frustratingly) claimed to be unable to divulge this special information. Sounds a lot like religion to me: “Star Wars is the best film ever made, and I know because God told me, but I can’t tell you how God told me…”

But the straw that broke this tauntaun’s back was this: twice in the first 70 pages, the authors took the opportunity to cite as evidence of Star Wars’ importance, the fact that the reader was reading the book! Sorry, that doesn’t hold up. Any book can say “My thesis is very important, and I cite as proof the fact that you bothered to read this sentence” But that’s wasn’t enough, evidently. Realizing that not everyone who is reading the book has purchased the book, the author’s twice stepped aside from the arguments to downgrade persons who were reading the book but had not purchased it. On page 77 they said: “YOU! Yeah, YOU! Don’t just sit there sipping that latte! BUY this book, you cheap bastard-!”

Okay, this is just unacceptable. I did not steal the book, I checked it out of the library. The authors were under no compulsion to make their work available at the library, but they did. Further, I pay all sorts of taxes – some of which goes to the library…and thus to authors for the sale of their book to the library. Further, I only buy books that I am sure I will either reread, or reference repeatedly for years to come. As such, most books I buy are books that I HAVE ALREADY READ. Yeah, that’s right, far from being a cheap bastard, I am simply a cautious consumer. I bought Animal Farm after having read it five times. And I’ve read it since. And Orwell never harassed me for not buying his book the moment it went on sale at Barnes & Noble.

Bottom line…

The idea of “Star Wars on Trial”…A
Execution of that idea…F