24 May 2010

Here’s how absent-minded I am (in case you didn’t already know):

Today, on the way home from work, I stopped at Target. Primarily to return something we bought there yesterday, but also to buy a few items. Among the items I needed were a couple of pairs of nice pants (so that I can be “Mr. Fancy Pants”). I found a few that looked like they would fit, and then I went over to the fitting rooms. Today was, like, my third time ever in my adult life that I used a fitting room. Did you know they give you a ticket? Yeah, it’s like you’re boarding a plane or something. Anyway…

I tried on the pants and selected the two pair that fit the best and enhanced my best features. The I carried the pants and the other items to the opposite end of the store in order to pay.

As the cashier was ringing up my items, I reached up to my shirt pocket to grab my sunglasses, but they weren’t there. “Oh man,” I said to the cashier, “can I leave my stuff here while I go get my sunglasses? I think I left them in the changing room.”

She said I could, so I did. I then walked all the way back to the furthest corner of the store and told the ticket lady that I’d left my sunglasses in the room. She didn’t seem to care about my story, so I just walked down the hall of fitting rooms.

Here’s the thing: I couldn’t remember which fitting room I used. In my defense, there’s about 15 identical rooms all in a row, and the one I used was somewhere near the center. I narrowed it down to three rooms, which were all closed. When a woman walked out of one room, I poked my head in real quick, but I didn’t see any sunglasses. A moment later, the second room freed up. Still no sunglasses. I waited close to ten minutes longer until the third, very slow lady, exited here room. There were my sunglasses right where I’d left them.

And, no, I can’t just buy another pair. They are high-quality brand-name polarized, anti-reflective sunglasses which I won in a contest when I used to work at Lenscrafters. Back then (1997?) they retailed for $150. Besides, even if I did lose them, I wouldn’t buy another pair, since I have ten more.

25 May 2010

Man, I am not a fan of hot weather. With high temperatures usually comes high humidity, and I can’t stand either one. Today reminded me of being in Florida, where the sun is boring through my clothes as if I’m standing under a magnifying glass, and the moisture in the air feels like I just stepped out of the shower and forgot to turn on the fan.

Today we got in our exercise by walking around the Mall of America. On the one hand, this is quite lame, because it’s a lot prettier outside and I hate the constant distractions at the mall. On the other hand, the mall has a much more bearable climate. And, as my wife noted, she can stop to go to the bathroom at several locations along the way.

Here’s hoping for some more normalized May weather…

26 May 2010

Today, at work, one of my co-workers looked at one of my other (very pregnant) co-workers as she passed by and said: “She shouldn’t even be here.”

I’m not sure if this was meant as just a funny comment, or if she really meant it. I think the answer lies somewhere in between. In that case, I have a few things I’d like to say about that comment:

First, if a woman is 39+ weeks pregnant and is still capable of showing up at work and contributing to the company, I say let her be. Why should she stay at home? Yes, I realize some women may need to stay home in the final days or weeks of their pregnancy, but if there’s no health risks to mom or baby, why should she be made to feel like she should stay home?

Second, a “due date” isn’t a deadline. It’s not like a wedding that’s set for a certain date and that’s gonna happen on that date regardless of weather or who can and can’t attend. The fetus is, I’m pretty certain, not checking off days on some in utero calendar. If mom is expecting a baby on, say, January first, and she’s still pregnant on January fourth, what’s the big deal (again, barring health considerations)? A baby is easier to care for inside the womb than outside, so let it stay in there if it needs to.

Third, employees at my job, and I think at most others, are granted a finite period of time to take off for the birth of a new child. Here in workaholic America, that time is stupidly short. My co-worker, I believe, will be getting 12 weeks off from work. Sure, she can take longer if she needs to or wants to, but the company will only pay for 12 weeks. So, my bet is, she wants the 12 weeks to begin on the baby’s birthday; not waste three or four days beforehand (this goes back to #2, above).

Alright, I’ll get off my soapbox now.

22 May 2010

Man, I can’t believe how much work it is to come up with a name for our baby-to-be.

The other day, Jennifer asked if I would’ve liked to have found out the baby’s gender, and I said “yes and no,” but then I clarified that by saying, “Well, the only reason why I would like to know is so that we only have to pick out one name.” ‘Cause, wow, finding two names is really hard.

For example, in the matter of girls’ names, we pretty much have it narrowed down to two. Jennifer likes both names, but I only really like one of them. Meanwhile, Owen only likes the other one – and I think my wife gives a slight preference to that name. Do we let Owen’s opinion sway us? At five years old, his opinion is bound to change through time anyways. Does it matter if a sibling likes or dislikes the name of their sister?

Girls’ names are further complicated by the middle name. We have many more middle names picked out than first names, but certain middle names only go with certain first names. Make sense?

Boys’ names, meanwhile, are even more troublesome. There is a much smaller pile of names to choose from in the male category, and this evening we spent more time combing over names. Jennifer visited Nimbler and I paged through the book Star Trek: The Next Generation Companion, looking for that one weird alien names that, somehow, ‘works.’ Middle names are likewise troublesome. I thought a middle name for a boy was the one thing we had settled on, but recent discussions and events have thrown our one middle name choice into question.

23 May 2010

What a busy day!

Despite it being a Sunday, I went into work for a few hours this morning. I came home just long enough to pick up Jennifer and Owen and then we were off to a picnic. The picnic was a fundraiser for CampQuest, a camp we think Owen would like to go to when he’s old enough, but in the meantime, we’ll donate to the cause. We thought some of our friends were going to be there but, alas, they were not. This was not surprising in the least, but still disappointing. Owen and I tossed a Frisbee around, but the air was think with humidity, like when you step out of the shower not having turned on the fan.

The humidity wore me out so much that I took a one hour nap on the floor when we got home. Then we left the house again, stopped at Target to buy a railing for Owen’s bed, then attended a deBaptism.

That’s right, a deBaptism. It was held at Al Baker’s restaurant in Eagan. Jennifer and I were expecting to meet up with some friends there, but, alas, they didn’t show up. Huh. That was unexpected.

Anyway, the coordinator, a guy named Eric, was wearing a long purple robe, which gave the effect of making him look like some special ceremonial guy. Yeah, that is the best way to phrase it. He had us go around the room and introduce ourselves. There were ex-Lutherans, ex-Evangelicals, ex-Jews, an ex-Mormon, lots of ex-Catholics, and an ex-Southern Baptist. Jennifer and I were the only ex-Witnesses. After introductions, we each took our turn under the “Hairdryer of Reason,” wherein Eric said some important words about valuing reason over superstition, sprayed us with a mist of (cool) air, and presented us with a certificate saying we were now officially debaptized.Then we ate dinner.

You might think this is a silly thing to do, and you’d be right. Since I now look back on my baptism as a silly ritual, I thought it would be fun to participate in an equally pointless ritual. Of course, since there is no god (not the Watchtower version of God, anyway), my baptism was pointless from a theological standpoint and only served to further the interests of a corporation. So, really, I’d already discarded that event some time ago, but it was fun tonight to make it all ‘official.’

After dining, we went home. Owen and I played with his sidewalk chalk that he got for his birthday (it’s in 3-D!). The three of us walked to Mickey’s Diner for a malt, then we came back home. Jennifer assembled the bed rail for Owen’s bed and I attempted to de-clog the bathroom toilet, which hadn’t worked since last night. The bed rail didn’t fit Owen’s bed, and I can’t get the toilet to work. I just made a mess and, in cleaning the bathroom, used too much bleach and now the bathroom and bedroom smell like a community swimming pool.

20 May 2010

Today I finished reading the graphic novel Bone, which, you’ll recall, was recently on tap to be banned in the elementary schools in Minnesota’s District 196. Now that I’ve finished reading it, I feel like I’m in a position to address some of the points that were brought up at that hearing. So that’s what I’m gonna do. Deal with it.

Ms. de Lay, the catalyst for the meeting, argued that the characters in the book are constantly seen smoking and drinking. The truth is, only a few characters smoke. One, Smiley, is often shown with a cigar hanging out of his mouth. Another, the red dragon, is always shown with a cigarette in his mouth. But, first of all, he’s only in a few pages of the entire book. Second, he’s a fire-breathing dragon! I assume the greatest aversion to cigarettes people have is their negative affect on health. It’s hard to see how something that has developed to breath fire could be harmed by expiratory distribution of partially ignited hydrocarbons.

de Lay also noted the prevalence of alcohol consumption. Over 80% of the book goes by with no character consuming any alcohol. When finally two of the main characters are reunited near the end of the book, one of them celebrates by ordering three mugs of beer in quick succession. These are small mugs – about the size of coffee mugs – and there is no indication that the character becomes inebriated following his drinks.

Panel member Phillip Monsen said that one thing he did not like in the books was when Fone’s hat catches on fire when he spies on Thorn bathing. Mr. Monsen inferred that Fone, essentially, became so aroused from watching a woman bath in a river that he literally caught on flames. He made this scene sound really inappropriate, as if there was some licentious character hiding behind a tree waiting to get his jollies off some naked bathing beauty.

But his comments were an exaggeration.

For one thing, Fone’s hat was already smoldering. Remember that dragon I mentioned above? The dragon blew some fire at Fone and his face became sooty and his hat began smoking. Indeed, that hat must’ve become like the hot embers of a bonfire, because smoke continued to rise out of his hat for several pages. In fact, that’s why he went down to the river – not to spy on girls, but to wash his face and cool his head. As he was walking down to the water, he saw, approaching from the other side, a young woman. So, since he’s a foreigner in the area, he stops to see what she’s going to do. She removes her pants, but it’s entirely non-sexual. She is wearing a large, woolen, shapeless dress that extends down to her mid-calf. In removing her pants, Fone sees nothing higher than just above her knees. She then goes into the water with a bucket. From what I could tell, she simply wanted to wade in the water for a moment while filling her bucket.

At this point, Fone’s hat goes from smoke to fire. Had I not attended the hearing, I probably wouldn’t have made the connection that this change in combustion was due to sexual arousal. Maybe it is, maybe it isn’t. What this event does do, however, is serve as a plot device, for in the ensuing chaos of a burning hat, Fone tumbles down the banks and lands in the water whereupon Thorn learns of his presence.

Monsen said he didn’t know how he’d explain that scene to his son if they were reading these passages and his son asked why Fone’s hat caught on fire. Sounds like a lousy parent to me.

He also said he felt the books in the Bone series weren’t the very best we could be providing for our kids. If he was stating this as a reason for banning the books, he failed. But if he was just saying this as an irrelevant opinion, then I agree with him: the book wasn’t that great. Filled with cliches and distracting anachronisms, the jokes were not funny and the plot didn’t keep me interested. The book ends with the action hanging – a clear attempt to get me to read book two. I don’t think I will

18 May 2010

I made some good headway today in beginning on my projects. I spent about three intermittent hours importing footage into my computer to edit it into workable, watchable movies.  I also began reading Bone which, so far, is quite underwhelming.

Meanwhile, Owen has only three weeks remaining in his preschool career. I’ve been told that there is a graduation ceremony to be held following his final day. I don’t put much stock in such ceremonies, since they’re just a bunch of to-do surrounding the real (albeit boring) event. I guess graduation ceremonies are a lot like weddings: signing the marriage certificate (which actually marries two people) is so boring, that an entire ceremony has grown up around it. Likewise, receiving a diploma in the mail is so pedestrian, that a ceremony has sprouted up in response.

But I’m looking forward to Owen’s big ceremony. After all, just as a wedding can be a meaningful event (and how many attendees at a wedding even care about verifying if the marriage certificate gets signed?), so a graduation ceremony can be a meaningful moment.  I hope that the event will help Owen to remember his preschool career as a special one, and that he looks back on the day as one of the first major accomplishments in his life. I am taking the day off work. He did a good job and made a lot of progress. It really helped prepare him for his formal education. The cap and gown are on order…

19 May 2010

Today I called Unum. Have you ever heard of this company? I hadn’t until I started at my present job. The rules are, an employee is expected to call them when they are going to take a leave of absence. I’m not sure why I have to call an outside company. It seems like I should just be able to walk up to my boss and say “Hey, my kid will be born in July, so I’m gonna take some time off, okay?” But, you know, modern society would be lost without bureaucracy.

When I first called, I had to listen to an automated voice which said something like “Welcome to your employer’s FMLA hotline for blah blah blah.” After pressing 1, then pressing 1 again, then waiting for a few minutes, a woman came on the phone and began by asking me which company I worked for. I actually stumbled in my response because I thought it was a trick question. I mean, didn’t the voice menu that connected me to this woman just say that I was calling from my place of employment?

She asked me if the leave was to care for myself or for a family member. I said: “Family member.” She said: “And who would that be?” I said: “Um, I guess my wife.” And then, after another question, I said that my will be delivering a baby. So she said: “Oh, well then this isn’t for your wife, it’s for your unborn child.”

Well…yeah…I guess it is. But I suspect my wife will be recovering, too. And, also, as the unborn child has no name, medical coverage, or social security number yet, I wasn’t sure the fetus actually qualified (from my employer’s point of view) as a member of my family yet.

Then she asked: “Do you authorize us to speak with anyone else about your claim?”

I didn’t really know how to answer this, either. I figured she meant that she would need to call my employer, or possibly my wife’s midwife to verify some things. Since there are really no secrets involved, I just said: “Sure.”

She said: “Who would that be?”

I laughed. “I’m sorry, I don’t understand the question.”

She: “You just said you authorize us to talk with other parties concerning your claim. Who did you have in mind?”

Me: “Oh, I don’t know. I just figured if you needed to call my supervisor, or something, you can go ahead and do that if you need to.”

She: “No sir, there’s no need.”

Me: “Oh, okay.”

She: “It’s up to you, sir.”

Me: “What’s up to me?”

She: “If you want us to talk to anyone else.”

Me: “I guess, if you don’t need to, then I don’t see the point…?”

She: “It’s up to you, sir.”

Me: “Okay, I guess I’ll say no, then.”

Man, people can be so confusing sometimes.

15 May 2010

Today there was a carnival at Owen’s school. The carnival was held to raise funds to make scholarships available for the students enrolled in their Little Flyers class. Since that’s the class Owen is in, and since we can only afford Woodbury’$ pre$chool thank$ to a $cholar$hip, we felt it was incumbent upon us to attend and support.

Turns out, the boy likes playing with silly string. I don’t think we played any other game more than once, but we played the silly string game three times. It was, I believe, my first exposure to silly string in about 30 years. At a store with my mom one time, she bought me a bottle of silly string with Spiderman on it (get it? – it’s like you’re shooting out web-building threads!). She thought it was a bottle of bubbles, but it wasn’t.

Anyway, the first time we went to battle it out with silly string, I handed the lady six tickets (=$3.00) to play. The sign said it was six tickets, but I asked her if it was six tickets per play or six tickets per person. She graciously allowed me to go into the square and battle it out with my son without having to pay 12 tickets. Then we played again, and she only charged us six tickets that time, too.

But when we went to play again, there was a different woman collecting the tickets, and when I handed her six tickets, she insisted I give her another six to pay for me. I found this a little frustrating: it’s pretty much impossible to play for six tickets, since you need two people to play. I felt the sign should have said “12 tickets”. But I figured I shouldn’t complain; after all, I’d just played for free twice. Turns out, though, I didn’t have six tickets left, so I just went into the square unarmed and let Owen spray me with silly string.

Later, I saw some silly string for sale at Target for $3 a can, which means that there must not have been a whole lot of funds being raised when Owen and I were playing silly string.

16 May 2010

Today was Owen’s birthday party. For the first time, his party was not held at our home. Instead, it was at his grandparents’ house. The weather was perfect – neither too hot nor too cold. There was a slight breeze blowing, which kept the bugs away, but it also meant we couldn’t light the candles outside. No problem; we just brought the cake inside for that. Later, I tried to fly a kite, but the wind wasn’t strong enough for that.

In my last post, I mentioned that gift-giving is not (or, should not be) the most important part of a birthday celebration. Once again, Owen got a lot of presents. What’s funny is that everyone (his parents included) seems to feel the need to give more than one item. No one, it seems, gives a kid “just a coloring book” for their birthday. They buy the child a coloring book, plus crayons, plus a paint set, and a chalk board. So, you know, the tally rises quickly even with few invitees.

My favorite presents – though I’m sure this opinion would be hotly contended by Owen – were the clothes and cash he received. I’m trying to maintain and increase a college fund for Owen, so just about any cash he receives goes into his piggy bank. I have his money in a special account through our credit union. It has a higher interest rate than normal savings accounts, but I can only add to it once a year. So all year I throw money into his porcelain pig and, around Xmas, I deposit it. So, today, my wife twice showed Owen the money he got from some friends. He looked at it quickly, didn’t say anything, then quickly moved on to the cool presents.

The thing is, I totally understand why people don’t usually give a kid cash: it’s a boring gift to give, and (for a kid) it’s a boring gift to receive. Same thing with clothes. I remember one day when I was about 8 years old, my mom and I were driving to a friend’s house. On the way, my mom said, “I think she has some things for you.” I was excited the whole time – wow! Presents! Cool! Turns out, it was a bag of clothing that her son had outgrown. Boring.

I think that’s the moment that you become an adult: When you start thinking that clothes and cash are the best things people can give you.

17 May 2010

All is right with the Universe once more. It’s been a busy month so far, and a busy week. I’ve had something written on may calendar every day for the past eight days. Besides Owen’s birthday and finals’ week at our colleges, I’ve had to fit in the aforementioned carnival, a visit to the dentist, a day at the Minnesota Chromatography Forum, and reading my short story at the Fulcrum release party.

Now that the semester is over, I have about two months to finish some projects. This includes finishing work on a sundial I was making for Owen. I’m also halfway done with five videos – and I’d like to get all of them completed soon. I have an idea, too, for another video which, so far, is only in my head, but I’d like to get it created. There are six half-finished essays I’m working on that I’d like to submit to various newsletters and magazines. And then there’s the books I want to read. These include:

–The Little House on the Prairie series. I kid you not. My aunt Jodi bought me the complete set of books when I was a kid, and I never read them; eventually I sold them at a garage sale. This past Xmas, I bought them for us as kind of a family gift and, now that my wife and I are watching each episode from the TV show, I figure it’s a good time to finally read those books.

-The Bone series. Remember that should-we-ban-these-books? hearing that I went to? Well, these were the books they were walking about.

–Lies Across America. After attending James Loewen’s presentation a couple of months ago, I was reminded what a great writer he is. In response to his lecture, I bought this book and have been chipping away at it. Now I plan to finish it.

I’ve still never read London’s Call of the Wild and Rushdie’s The Satanic Verses. I’d like to give them a try and see what the big deal is. Maybe I’ll fit those in, too, before the new baby comes in ~60 days.