21 July 2010

Today I mentioned to my wife that I was thinking about the ratio of boys to girls in our families. I know this has little bearing on the gender of our baby-to-be, but it’s a fun exercise in thought.

So, first we have our siblings. Jennifer’s brother has a daughter, and Jennifer’s sister has a daughter, too. My sister has no kids, so that’s 2 out of 2. Of course, Jennifer’s sister is pregnant with a boy, so I guess I should say 2 out of 3.

Jennifer comes from a family of 3 girls and 1 boy, and I come from a family of one of each. So that’s 4 out of 6.

My mom comes from a family of 2 boys and 2 girls. My Dad comes from a family of 4 boys and 1 girl. My wife’s mom comes from a family of 3 boys and 1 girl, and her dad comes from a family of one of each.

What does all of this prove? Absolutely nothing.

On the other hand, the baby will be born under the astrological sign Leo, so I’m sure that counts for something!

22 July 2010

Did I ever tell you about the strange case of my silly filmlet vs. horrorcore hip-hop fans? Well, I’m gonna tell you know.

Back in, like, 1994, I had this great idea for a video: find a pregnant woman – a very pregnant woman – and show her taking a pregnancy test. Then, just for fun, have the test turn out negative. Ha! See? Isn’t that hilarious? The problem was, I was just a single teenage boy at the time, and I didn’t have too many pregnant women in my circle of friends. Sure, as the years went on, I knew a few pregnant ladies, but I never felt like saying: “Hey, know what? We could use that big belly to hilarious effect.”

But then, one day, I was living with a pregnant woman. So I talked her in to making this filmlet with me:

We decided to name this video “The ICP Pregnancy Test.” We chose that acronym for two reasons: first, it sounded ‘medical,’ and second, it’s a homophone for the phrase ‘I see pee.’ Get it?

This was the very first video I posted on YouTube and, by a wide margin, it’s the most watched video I’ve uploaded there.

One day, I received a friendly email from YouTube telling me a comment had been posted. It turns out, the comment was from a self-proclaimed Juggalo expressing his disdain for my choice in video titles. If you’re like most people, that last sentence made no sense to you, so let me explain: a Juggalo is a fan of the music act Insane Clown Posse, kind of like how Dead Heads are fans of The Grateful Dead.

Within a few days, my video had received a dozen comments, all from Juggalos in varying states of agitation at having found my video. At first, I wasn’t sure why they had even come across my video, but then I realized that ‘ICP’ is not just the name of my fictitious pregnancy test, it’s also the abbreviation for ‘Insane Clown Posse.’ So, essentially, these Juggalos were visiting YouTube, typing “ICP” in the search box, and finding my video.

I can understand that this is annoying. My wife tried repeatedly to find Muppets videos on YouTube for Owen to watch, only to discover videos of Kermit wherein the audio has been replaced with vulgar language. But what I don’t understand is why these Juggalos took the time to comment on the video. Why not just click to a different video?

Nearly every comment was abusive in its language – and most assumed that I was, in some way, trying to ‘diss’ their sacred music act. So, one day, I blocked all comments to the video (the comments are still blocked). Finally, one person, who was both an Insane Clown Posse connoisseur and able to construct a polite, intelligent comment, informed me – via private message – that I might be able to save myself the angry comments if I would just alter the name of my video. I responded thanking him, and immediately changed the title to “The I See Pee Pregnancy Test.”

For several months now, I’ve not heard a word from any Juggalo. But then, today, this comment showed up in my YouTube inbox:

Hey get this…. FUCK YOU ICP RULES….GO SUCK A DEAD MANS DICK BITCH

This is typical of the comments I used to get, but I was surprised to receive such a comment after altering the title of the video.

How do I respond to someone like this? My gut reaction is to reply with a similarly caustic message, but that’s just dumb. I could respond calmly, but sarcastically (my usual way of responding to any conversation), saying something like: “Hey, thanks for your comment. You certainly aren’t shattering any stereotypes I have of Insane Clown Posse aficionados.” Or maybe I should tell him that a caps lock key can be his friend, and that the apostrophe is located east of the semi-colon key, and that there are only three periods in an ellipsis, or that a corpse’s penis decomposes faster than nearly any other body part. But I think such nuanced sarcasm might be wasted on him – and I’m not sure it’s a ‘him,’ but I’m just determining the gender based on the violence implied.

20 July 2010

I was reading on a discussion board today, and someone asked people to post their favorite scenes from movies. I didn’t participate in that discussion. Instead, I’ll post some of my favorites here.

Here’s the problem, though: I think I’d have a tough time going through every film I’ve seen and selecting the best scenes of the bunch. Sometimes, there’s a really great film, but I can’t really think of one particular scene that stands out. Other times, there are really mediocre films that have one or two really awesome scenes. So here’s what I’m gonna do: I’m gonna open up my list of films, scan through it, and if a scene comes to my mind, I’ll see if it’s available on the inter-webs. Here are two disclaimers: These aren’t necessarily my favorites (there might be 20 scenes out there that are better than any of these), and I’m not gonna embed more than one scene for any given movie. True, some movies have lots of good scenes, but then maybe you should just go watch the whole movie. Therefore, in no particular order, here are 12 great scenes from motion pictures that I’ve watched:

1. Everything about this montage is phenomenal: the teacher’s advice, the boy’s acting, the grip the music has on his life, and, of course, the underlying score:

2. Hitchcock and Dali…together at last! Though not nearly as popular, Spellbound is a far better film than Vertigo, and it has a way better dream sequence, too:

3. This movie is pretty much just one hilarious bit after another, but this is the one that came to my mind first:

4. Here’s an example of a phenomenal scene in a deeply flawed, uneven film. This is a great first scene. Although, technically, it’s not the first scene. If memory serves, it’s the second scene, after an insanely pointless “present day” bit that bookends the movie. But on the subject of pointless, this scene, great as it is, is also pointless in relation to the rest of story (and unintelligible as a flashback):

5. And while we’re on the topic of Spielberg:

6. I thought this was a very moving moment in a very moving film:

7. Kirk & Co. certainly kicked ass many times before (and after) this, but somehow, totally owning a whaling vessel was exceptionally satisfying:

8. When I saw this at the theater, everyone in the audience was sniffling and crying. After so much laughter and mayhem, this scene was unexpected (for me). But I knew that even though little Goisue just thinks Papa is playing, for Papa, that wink is a good-bye (WARNING: Pregnant women might find this too emotional!):

9. This movie has several rather stellar scenes, but I’ve selected this one because, when I saw this movie for the first time, it was this scene that made me think, “Yes, this is an awesome flick.” And it’s also a truly dizzying intellect:

10. A great finale that I fear maybe isn’t so good by itself, but if you’ve seen the film, you know this was a fine four minutes:

11. A shout out to the silent era – just when you think the scene can’t get any sadder, you bust out laughing:

12. Brilliant! Ha!:

And here are some scenes that I tried to find, but that I couldn’t find an embeddable clip for: The final two minutes of The Iron Giant; the scene in The Godfather II where Vito becomes the Godfather, you know – when he’s hopping on the rooftops following the guy on the street below; the scene in Rope where Jimmy Stewart says: “Did you think you were God, Brandon?”; the final three minutes of Psycho; that part in Raiders of the Lost Ark where Indy is running from a boulder; the first scene from Memento; the scene-within-a-scene-within-a-scene first six minutes of Serenity;and that awesome bit in Superman II where the Man of Steel tricks Zorg with that anti-superhero chamber.

18 July 2010

The word of the day is: Maintaining.

We tried to maintain the house in the clean, organized fashion in which it has been for the past few days. See, now that we’ve cleaned every room, scrubbed the bathrooms, done the dishes and the laundry, and gotten rid of things we don’t want anymore, we now have to try and keep that state going until the baby arrives. We’re working against thermodynamics here.

And that’s tough to do at the moment. Last night, my niece slept over, so she and Owen are trying their best to take apart his bedroom. I notice that about other kids when they visit: they pull out all Owen’s toys – even ones that I forgot he had. I guess that’s understandable; after all, those toys are new to them. I try to get Owen to put away one toy before taking out the next one, but somehow this falls apart when other kids are present. At least this is an improvement from last year when he and his niece would, for no apparent reason, take every single toy, game, article of clothing, and puzzle piece off the shelves and put them in a pile in his bedroom. Not sure what the appeal of that was.

By the time my niece left this evening, Owen’s room was the most disastrous one in the house. It took me a while, but I think it’s well-organized and clean once again.

19 July 2010

My awesome co-workers held a mini-shower for me this morning. I’m not exactly wide-eyed and happy to be around people on a Monday morning, but I tried my best to be amicable. There were store-bought donuts (these are definitely to be preferred over the cafeteria’s ‘donuts’), an array of drinks and, for the baby, a hand-made cap – made of 100% organic cotton – and a gift card.  What a great way to start off the week.

Later, during my lunch break, I stopped at the new and unimproved Maple Grove library. On my way back to my car, I looked down at (what I presume is) a man-made lake and saw a loon. A loon! In Maple Grove! I stopped and stared at it for nearly a minute before it dived down to look for some fish. What is a loon doing in Maple Grove? I don’t know. It’s kind of weird because, in the six years I’ve been driving to this suburb for work, I’ve noticed that the city is intense on driving out any vestiges of nature. So, to see a loon in that strip mall of a town is like seeing a deer walking through downtown Minneapolis.

15 July 2010

I had a bad night last night. Not that anything terrible happened, or even that I was worried about anything – I just couldn’t get to sleep. After trying to fall asleep for about 2 hours, I think I dozed off for about 30 minutes, only to be woken up by the sound of my wife coming to bed. Then, long after she fell asleep, I drifted off again, but within the hour I woke up having to go to the bathroom. In fact, I got out of bed 4 times to go to the bathroom which, in itself, is odd, because it’s not like a chugged a gallon of water before lying down.

I kept staring at my alarm clock, mentally deducting the time I had remaining to sleep. Around 4:45, I just cut my losses, got up, got ready for today, and drove to work. I didn’t even feel like eating breakfast, so I just had a banana.

I kept wondering what my problem was. I had had one cup of tea during the day – but that was over twelve hours before going to bed (~8:00 in the morning), so any caffeine should’ve worked it’s way out long before I went to sleep.

But then I remembered that we went out to eat last night. I didn’t order anything spicy. I ordered a pizza. In fact, it was a very tasty pizza. There were mushrooms on it, big pieces of tomatoes, peppers, onion and some cheese. All good stuff. I don’t think I overate, either. I didn’t get a side salad to go with it and I declined the dessert.

The only thing I could figure is that my son ordered the spaghetti for his meal and it came with a single meatball. That’s it. One single meatball. Owen didn’t even want any sauce on it. My wife cut it into about twenty pieces for him to eat. I think he ate one of those pieces, then decided he didn’t like it. But I ate two pieces of it, mostly just to show Owen what to do with it, in an attempt to get him to finish his meal.

The only upside to having slept so poorly last night is that I know I’ll sleep well tonight – no matter what. I’m so insanely tired that I know I’ll fall asleep quickly and deeply.

16 July 2010

So, we’ve been trying to buy a coming-home outfit for child #2 for sometime now. We always – always – have difficulty finding things we want at stores.

I think I’ve mentioned this before but the problem is that stores want consumers to come in and browse and buy the things they see. Jennifer and I do it differently – we think up something we need, then we go buy it. Okay, for things like food and toiletries this isn’t usually a problem. And when it comes to media – music, books, and movies – we usually have no problem either (probably because we hear of something we think we’ll like and then, knowing it does exist, we go buy it). But everything else, we have great difficultly.

Jennifer had a very classy coming home outfit for Owen. It was simple, white, and comfortable. In fact, just click here to see him modeling it. Unfortunately, it appears that no other outfit like this exists in the known universe.

We’ve tried several stores: Peapods, Gymboree, Baby Gap, Babies-R-Us, Carter’s, Baby Grand, and Janie and Jack (a place I’d never heard of until actually walking into it at the Mall of Hysteria). But all those stores, which have an ridiculous amount of overlap all have a combination of one or more of the same problems:

-Hardly anything for newborns. Yeah, it’s true: some of these stores seem to think humans come into the word weighing 12 pounds. Which, I know, happens sometimes, but I just don’t think that’s going to be our case.

-Too cutesy. I have no problem with outfits that sport multiple da-glo colors, or outfits with pictures of bears or giraffes or other animals on them. But can’t we just get a simple gown with no decals on it?

-Gender-specific. Why are we assigning these infants gender roles? All the pink gowns are frilly as anything – and I won’t be raising a girl that wears frilly crap like that. And so many boy outfits have huge (as in “life size”) baseballs pictured on them.

Anyway, today I ventured, along with a co-worker to Edelweiss Baby. Doesn’t that just sound expensive? Not sure why…maybe it’s the ‘foreign’ sound of it’s name. Regardless, the name is appropriate because, damn, that place was expensive. My co-worker used her iPhone and took pictures of some of the outfits so that we could email them to Jennifer and they ranged in price from $28 to $90. I’m sorry, but I just can’t justify spending $90 on a piece of clothing. I’m pretty sure the only piece of clothing I own that cost me more than $90 is a suit. Which, first of all, is actually two pieces of clothing and, second of all, has lasted me 12 years already. I’m not sure child #2 will be able to get 12 years out of his/her coming home outfit.

17 July 2010

This morning, Owen and I tried to go to the Farmer’s Market. There’s a farmer’s market near our home, but, unfortunately, they’re only open Friday afternoons, so it’s tough to get there after work. Also, it’s a small market. A few times, I’ve inquired about certain kinds of produce, and the vendors tell me such items are only available at the mega-market in downtown St. Paul.

But here’s the one area where St. Paul sucks just as bad as Minnecrapolis: there’s no place to park. In the entire city. I didn’t think the parking would be a problem, since there would be a lot less business workers there. But it turns out, everyone in St. Paul and the seven-county metro area visits this market. There was no place to park within five blocks. Actually, I did find one spot, but guess what? You have to feed the meter. On a Saturday! I had no change on me. “James,” you might say, “how can you be so stupid as to not keep any change in your car?” That’s a great question, though I don’t appreciate being made fun. Here’s the answer: it’s a new car. Had I brought my Cavalier, I would’ve had enough change to feed five meters.

Anyway, I would’ve parked six or seven blocks away, but it was about 110 degrees outside with a relative humidity of 300% and I had Owen with me and I didn’t want to make him walk through that sauna just to go walk around a crowded outdoor market. So we went back home.

This afternoon, we went to Oh Baby! a store with a less highfaluting name than Edelweiss Baby but, since it’s located in the Galleria in Edina, more than makes up for that. They had this one outfit made out of bamboo that looked and felt so stinking comfortable that, for a fleeting moment, I wished I was only 20 inches tall. Alas, it wasn’t exactly what Jennifer wanted for a coming home outfit and, at 50 bucks, we weren’t about to settle. Still, I liked the outfit, so feel free to but it for us. On second thought, just go to Goodwill and get us 10 outfits with that same $50.

Then we drove north for a couple of miles and stopped at Goodnight Moon, a store named after that bizarre children’s book that, like Ummagumma, I’m told is a lot better if experienced when high. To make a long story short, they had what we wanted. The employee tried talking us into buying both a light pink and a light blue hat to go with the gown but after I expressed my dissatisfaction with that idea, she said: “Well, I can check out back stock,” which was her way of saying “I can open this drawer right here.” I’m glad she was able to go through all that effort for us, because that drawer harbored a simple white cap that matched the gown very well. We spent $42. Yikes – that’s still a lot, but somehow not as bad as $90.

I’ll show you what the gown looks like in a few weeks, once we’ve photographed it being modeled by child #2.

13 July 2010

This morning on the radio, there was a discussion about Money magazine’s 100 Best Places to Live. They said the list includes only small cities, which they interpret to mean 50,000-300,000 residents.

It turns out that #1 on the list is Eden Prairie. Even after reading the reasons for Eden Prairie’s honored selection, though, I still couldn’t figure out why it was #1. Granted, I don’t have extensive knowledge of all the small cities in America, but I’m not sure, exactly, what makes Eden Prairie stand out so much from so many other cities nearby. Why not Edina? Or Maple Grove? Or Minnetonka? Perhaps it’s because they purposely excluded retirement communities and cities with over 95% white people. ‘Cause, you know, those cities can’t possible be good. Those cities didn’t even make the list.

Money magazine appears to have  an infatuation with Minnesota it would seem. Or, at least, they did initially, and then their love floundered. Four other Minnesota cities make the top 20, and then there’s not a single Minnesota citing in the rest of the list. The other four cities from the Land of 10,000 Lakes are: Plymouth (at #11), Woodbury (at #13), Eagan (at #15) and Apple Valley (at #20). The only one of these five cities I’ve ever lived in is Apple Valley. I gotta admit, Apple Valley was a very clean, safe place, with lots of stores and restaurants right in town. They also had some great parks, most notably the Minnesota Zoo. I bet those animals are all happy that they live in the 20th best place to live in America.

Enjoy it while it lasts, Eden Prairie. Plymouth was #1 back in 2008, and now look how it’s fallen! Meanwhile, the city of Chanhassen ranked #2 last year, and doesn’t appear at all in this year’s list.

Also today: My sister has entered her 30s today. When last I saw her, at that wedding back on Saturday, she was pretty keen on having the baby share her birthday. Sorry, Diane, doesn’t look like that’s happening. I called her today to wish her a happy birthday. She said she spent four hours mowing the lawn today. Oh well. Hope the rest of her 30s are more fun than that.

14 July 2010

I didn’t realize this until I was driving in to work this morning, but my son is five years and two months old as of today. I agree, that’s a pretty meaningless milestone, but here’s why I found it noteworthy: That’s how old I was when I became a big brother. So, unless the new baby doesn’t arrive until after August 14th (by which time it would be considered overdue), Owen will be the same age – to the month – that I was when I first got a sibling. We didn’t plan that, honest.

The three of us when for a walk around the mall today. The glasses-fogging humidity was too much to handle, so I thought a leisurely stroll through the mall would be good. After walking around for a while, and lamenting the lack of nice newborn outfits for sale at all the kids’ stores, we ate at Tucci Benucch. Jennifer pointed out that, on the day before Owen’s birth, that’s exactly what we did: we went for a walk at a mall, then ate at an Italian restaurant. So, who knows, maybe the baby will be born tomorrow. But I’ve been assured that it most likely will not.