Monday, 07 February 2011
Tonight, as we were lying in bed, Owen asked me if I ever wanted to travel back in time. We had talked about time-travel once before, about a week ago, when Jennifer and I were discussing its popularity in the Star Trek Universe. But tonight, he must’ve wanted to broach the topic again.
“Sure,” I said.
“Why?” he asked.
“’Cause, maybe I’d like to go back and fix some mistakes I made or try to do some things better.”
Owen said nothing for a moment; I could tell he was thinking. Then he said, in the most astonished voice ever, “I didn’t know you could change stuff!”
“Well, yeah,” I said, “I mean, of course it’s all hypothetical, but usually in stories when someone goes back in time it’s because they want to change something.”
This took us into a conversation about what are some things that characters have tried to change in such stories, as well as a few examples of things I would like to change. Owen didn’t quite get it, so I explained it this way: “Well, you know how you left your light-saber at Grammie’s house the other day?” He said yes, so I explained that, wouldn’t it be nice if he could go back to that time and tell his younger self to not forget it.
I kind of wish the conversation hadn’t gone that way, because I would have rather discovered what it was that Owen found so fascinating about time travel. I mean, if he didn’t want to alter the past in some way…then what? Did he just want to observe events like a fly on the wall? Because, in that case, he could just watch some home videos. More likely, he probably wanted to return to happy times and relive those moments.
And I think that’s a pretty good outlook on life: instead of desiring to go back and fix things, he just thinks it would be cool to experience the best times a second time.
…Unless I’ve ruined it for him now.

Tuesday, 08 February 2011
Day two of my new semester at Hamline.
I had that feeling again where I think, “What the heck am I doing here?”
It’s easy to see how I get that feeling – most the students look younger than me. Unlike my last two classes at Hamline, I’m pretty certain that I’m the oldest student in the class; and probably by several years. There are posters hanging on the walls advertising internships…there’s nothing wrong with that it’s just that I already have a job. I’m sure several of my classmates also have jobs, too, but they probably just look at their jobs as temporary measures to give them some spending money. My job is more of a career – I needed a degree to get my job, and I don’t have parents paying my tuition or for my dorm. In fact, I don’t’ even live in the dorms, I live off campus, with a wife and two kids. Is anyone else in the class even married?
In my other two classes, we went around the room and introduced ourselves. I liked doing that because I enjoyed hearing other students say that they were married, or that they are returning to school after an absence – stuff like that. We haven’t done that in this class. Oh well.
Our first two assignments were due today, too, and I’m hoping for a couple of A’s to kick off the semester.

Wednesday, 09 February 2011
Today was an extraordinarily busy day in which I got to work later than I wanted to, then hit the ground running at work. After working through lunch, then attending a Toastmasters meeting, I left early to get home to pick up my wife and kids (and my mom – she’s in town staying with us right now) so that we could get to the optometrists’ office by 3:30.
Owen and I were both seen by Dr. Pat Wellik. The whole experience was very draining for Owen. He was nervous the whole time, even after I assured him it was better than going to the dentists’ office (“I like going to the dentist,” he said. Who says that?). He watched me get my eyes examined first, then he sat on my lap while Dr. Pat examined his eyes. He was not very cooperative at first, but Dr. Pat knew how to get Owen to be a little bit accommodating. He let Owen play with the remote control for the eye chart, then let him hold the special ‘flashlight’ and shine it into my eyes first.
Owen tried very hard to get all the right answers. He studied the images through lens 1 and lens 2 before making his decision on which one is clearer. One time he even asked the doctor to go back so he could double-check his answer. Dr. Pat said, “Wow, his answers are very consistent.” Later, when Dr. Pat said, “Tell me when these two images line up,” Owen sat very still and then finally said, “I think they’re lined up like this [he gestured] but they’re not perfectly lined up.” Dr. Pat laughed and said that was good enough.
The worst part was the bright light the doctor used for looking at Owen’s macula. Owen absolutely hated the bright light and I could tell he was mustering all his reserves to keep his composure.
Following a magic trick that the doctor performed well but was not received well by Owen, and a prize pencil, Owen went back out to Jennifer (who had finished her exam by then) and began crying. I gotta say, Dr. Pat did an excellent job dealing with Owen’s anxieties, but Owen just couldn’t handle the pressure of the ‘tests’ and the bright lights. We went out to eat afterward, and Owen needed to sit on our laps practically the whole time. He ate about a quarter of his meal, and after we got home, he just wanted us to hug him. At 7:30, he said he wanted to go to bed, and he fell asleep by 7:45.
Man, you know Owen’s exhausted when he can’t even outlast Isla.

Friday, 04 February 2011

So, I really like the books I had to get for this semester’s class (so far). They compose a chronological anthology of American writings. Not just stories, but letters, poems, political writings, journals, stuff like that.

I’ve begun reading some of the assigned texts for the next class and I’ve come across a few creation stories. And here’s my two-word synopsis of these creation stories: They Suck. Oh, don’t get me wrong, I’m enjoying reading them from historic and literary perspectives, but they’re just stupid.

I’ve read several ideas and theories on why the Genesis creation myth has survived to this day and is the most popular and the most widely believed creation myth (besides reality, that is). Some speculate that the reasons for its survival can be attributed to the Hebrews insistence on having a written record, or their strong sense of national identity, or their unique monotheism. But here’s my theory: the Genesis account has survived because it’s the least bizarre.

Yeah, that’s right: some big powerful guy just creates it all. He starts with light (so he can see what’s going on), then sets up his workspace, then hones in on the details. It’s not unlike how I might make something in my woodshed.

Other creation myths…yeah…they’re just weird. They introduce all these unnecessary and arbitrary elements. Instead of giving examples from my assigned readings, I’ll just create me own myth. Right here. On the spot. And I promise it will be every bit as good as most other creation myths…

A long time ago, a rabbit farted. A pigeon was flying by and smelled the fart. She landed and said to the rabbit, “Greetings, my name is al’a’onea’awihea’a’a’a’.” To which the rabbit replied: “My name is Bob. Why have you landed in my path?”

Just then an eagle swooped down and ate the rabbit. This startled the pigeon, who ran for cover under a raspberry bush. And the bush grew to become the world, and the feather that the pigeon lost in her hurry to hide became man.

Later, a turtle crawled up and sat next to the world. And she laid a high number of eggs. And when they hatched, they became the animals.

Ta-da!

Saturday, 05 February 2011

Today we stopped at the Goodwill to look for treasures (where “treasures” is defined as “stuff we need at prices we can afford”). I wanted to get a couple more jeans. I don’t know what happened, but suddenly I’m low on pants. So I bought two.

Also, I was looking for an updated version of the game Outburst. Jennifer and I own two versions of the game, but they’re both over ten years old and are getting seriously outdated. For example, when we played the game a few weeks ago with some friends, one category was “People You Love to Hate,” and the answers were Linda Tripp and Leona Helmsley and others who have faded from the spotlight long ago. I kid of wish that Outburst’s creators wouldn’t put such time-sensitive topics in their game, but I suppose it’s a case of planned obsolescence, in which case I say: good job, Hasbro!

Anyway, I didn’t find a copy of the game at Goodwill. I likewise turned up empty-handed at Target a couple of days ago. A quick search on Amazon reveals there are newer editions, but, yikes, they’re pricey. Perhaps what I’ll do is go through the cards and throw out ones like “Big News Stories of 1995” and leave in “Items Found in a Kitchen Drawer” and combine my two Outbursts into one.

Sunday, 06 February 2011

Today I went to my in-laws’ house to celebrate Superbowl Sunday. I had a vested stake in the game, being this close (I’m holding my fingers really close together) to winning $50 from my credit union. I picked the Steelers to win and the total combined points to be 43.

“43!” you say, “why 43?”

I’m glad you asked.

First, I listed the combined score of every Superbowl game, and averaged them out. Then, I took the combined score of every Packers game and every Steelers game from this season and averaged those out. Next, I found the average of the total score of every game the Steelers and Packers have played against each other since 1975. Finally, I favorably weighted any Superbowl in which the Packers or Steelers appeared by adding in the average of those games a second time. I then determined the average of all of those average. This gave a total of 42.something. I don’t remember. Anyway, I rounded it up to 43.

The game’s total combined score was 56. Didn’t matter anyway since the Packers won. Thanks Packers, thanks a lot. I still think you have the second-dumbest name in all of pro football.

Oh – best commercial:

Thursday, 03 February 2011

This has been an unusual day. I could tell you about how I began a new semester at Hamline today, or how I took the day off of work, or that I picked my son up from Kindergarten, or that I took part in another episode of Atheists Talk. Heck, I could even talk about the fact that it’s the 52nd anniversary of the Day Music Died. Instead, I am going to talk about this book:

My great-grandma gave me this book as a gift 20 years ago today. The book is basically a compendium of natural scientific findings. It was published in 1955, so, even at the time she gave it to me, big swathes of it were already out-dated. Still, as it is lavishly illustrated, it was fun to page through; astronomy, biology, geology, paleontology, it’s all there. It was actually the first adult-level book I owned on the sciences. Of course, I had read plenty before, but always books for kids and teens. This was a real book – a bok for grown-ups.

My great-grandma was not a Witness, thank Thor, so she probably wasn’t put off by the naturalistic explanations of cosmology, origin-of-life scenarios, and evolutionary history that fill the book. The introduction states: “Yet our interest in the world, even when it is narrow or specialized, stems mainly from a craving to know and understand, which has developed through ages of evolution as an essential part of our character.”  Though I often took the book out and read parts of it, no one in my family was worried that I was reading information that systematically disproved the Greatest Story Ever Sold (or, as I used to call it, “the Bible”).

This tall book, being over a foot in height, never quite fit right on any book shelf, and I was always making concessions for it in ever home I lived in and every shelf I owned. During the past half-decade, it’s become a laptop desk – a great way to keep the heat from my hard drive from killing off my reproductive capabilities.

Often, I’ll close up my computer and set it aside, and then just page through the book for a few minutes. It’s how nerds unwind.

My great-grandma passed away over 11 years ago, though her mind had faltered a few years before that. I recall one evening, when my parents, uncles, aunts and grandparents all went out for an anniversary celebration, it fell upon me to sit with my great-grandma for the evening. She sat in one chair, playing solitaire,  and reading a magazine. I sat in the chair next to her and read a book about Alfred Hitchcock. We spoke a few times, but her memory was nearly gone, and I couldn’t think of much to say. Too bad. Now that I look back on that evening, I wish I would’ve asked her about her childhood and her young adult years. I’m not sure she would’ve been able to recall much, but it would’ve been fascinating to learn anything I could. Maybe one thing I should have said was, “Thank you for that book you gave me 5 years ago.”

Well, now it’s been 20 years.

Though I read big chunks of the book, I’ve never read it. There’s a lot of text. It’s a huge book. But maybe it’s time to get started. I read the introduction this evening.

Tuesday, 01 February 2011

Jennifer and I have been trying to make a more diligent effort to eat healthier and work out more lately. Jennifer has been pretty much heading up the eating department. I think we already eat pretty healthy, but there’s definitely room for improvement, especially in the grains and portion-control departments. For example, if you put ten pounds of potatoes in front of me, I’m going to eat them all. Fast. So I need to correct that.

We’ve also been visiting the work-out room at our apartment complex more. I’ve been using the exercise bike. This is a bit of a cop-out, since I should really be running on the treadmill for a more thorough work-out. But here’s the problem: running is really boring. Like, reading Girl with the Dragon Tattoo boring. But sitting on the exercise bike is not boring because I can read while I do it. Today, for example, I finished reading The Far Side Gallery 2.

I get the feeling that I spend May –October working out, going for walks, riding bicycles, running, and stuff like that just to make up for what I did to myself during November-April. It’s easy to get sluggish during those months of cold and darkness. Anyway, I’m trying to get a head start on it this year. I’ve said this before (perhaps I’ve said it too much) but, with the birth of my children, I have this weird feeling that I need to stay alive for the next two decades. And I don’t want to turn into some bloated Jabba the Hutt (oh for God’s sake, another stupid Star Wars reference) along the way.

Wednesday, 02 February 2011

So, I’m less than 24 hours away from beginning another semester of college. Already I’m starting to feel overwhelmed, and I haven’t even seen the syllabus yet. I have all of these non-necessary things that I do with my time, and I’m starting to feel like they’re crowding me out. The problem is, each one individually is fun and enjoyable, but all together, especially when linked up with things I HAVE to do, makes for too much stress and pressure in my life.

I was going to devote today’s blog post to listing off the things I do with my time and ranking them by priority. Unfortunately, I can’t seem to figure out how to properly rnak them. I mean, first, there are things I have to do just to stay alive, like eating and sleeping. That takes up a lot of time. Then there are things I have to do in order to have some semblance of a good life: I have to go to work, I have to spend time with my wife and children, I have to devote time to recreation. Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy being with my family, and I even enjoy my job, but those things take up a lot of time. The problem is, I add in a whole bunch of other things: I’m an editor for The Minnesota Atheist, I co-host Atheists Talk, I’m a member of Toastmasters, I insist we work-out (see above), and, as of tomorrow, I’ll once again be a college boy. There are more things to this list (oh – I just thought of one – I maintain this blog). I need to write them all down and rank them by priority, and chop a few off.

Saturday, 29 January 2011

Today I went to work for a few hours in the morning. As I was leaving work, I went out to my car and saw that the front driver’s-side tire was flat. I mean like riding-on-the-rim flat. The tire was fine this morning; I’m sure I would’ve noticed if it was THAT low. I must’ve driven on something like a nail or a bevy of porcupines.

I jacked up the car and took the hubcap and nuts off with no problem. I then removed the spare from the trunk. I then tried to take the old tire off of the bolts. No luck. I used the tire iron as leverage, but still…no luck. To make matters worse, it was rather cold outside and very slushy on the ground, so I was filthy.

I went back into my job and asked the lady at the security deask if someone would be able to help me. She paged her male co-worker who came over to me and said, basically, that he couldn’t help me.

“Why not?” I asked.

“Well, mostly for insurance reasons,” he said.

“I don’t get what insurance has to do with it…?” I said. “I’m just asking as a fellow human being…”

But he said that if he was to get injured, then I might think the company is at fault. Yes, it baffled me too. He said my best bet was to ask one of my co-workers to help me. (Um…I thought I just did.) I told him that none of the people from my department were at work at the moment, since it’s a Saturday. He said, “Yeah, well, with staffing issues, I really can’t go out there.”

I’m not sure what sort of pansy-ass excuse this was, especially since he already gave me an iron-clad litigious reason, but it’s just plain stupid. How many members of security need to be “on staff” on a Saturday morning? And, if something was to happen, say a theft or a medical emergency, it’s not like I would say, “Sorry, pal, but you’re helping me change out this tire and I refuse to let you go assist with that actual emergency.”

Anyway, I went back out to my car. Still couldn’t get the tire off. I called my wife to have her come pick me up. She asked i there was anyone else I could ask for help, and a large guy happened to park and get out of his car right then. “Excuse me sir,” I shouted, “Can you help me get my tire off my car real quick?”

“Uh, no, I can’t do that,” he said.

So I got back on the phone and said to my wife, “That guy won’t help me either. I guess no one cares about their co-workers anymore, everyone’s too self-absorbed now.” I said this loud enough so that guy could hear me. Ha! Take that, large, burly man!

So, Jennifer came and picked me up, and my car will be spending the weekend at my job.

Meanwhile: my stereotype of security officers has been confirmed.

Sunday, 30 January 2011

So, after going about 7 years without stepping foot inside a McDonald’s restaurant, today marked the second day in a row that I was inside one.

See, last night, with Owen at his grandparents’, Jennifer and I decided to rent a movie. Of course, we already had Inception at home waiting for us (via Netflix), but we figured we could squeeze in two movies. So we looked up the Oscar nominees for Best Picture, and selected a few that sounded decent. Then we looked up the location of the nearest Red Box. Turns out, the nearest one is inside a McDonald’s.

We rented The Social Network, as that was the first Best Picture nominee we spotted on their menu.

This was my first time using a Red Box and, I gotta say, I liked it. Of course, since we are Netlflix customers, the Red Box is kind of redundant, but I could see how, if you suddenly find yourself with some time on your hands one evening, a Red Box is the way to go.

Also: we used a code that we found online, so we didn’t even have to pay. Free movie! Sweet!

Monday, 31 January 2011

After securing a ride to work thanks to my co-worker John (damn, I’m glad he wasn’t worried about the insurance if we had gotten into an accident), my first task upon arriving at work today was to go over to my car and lather the bolts in WD-40.

After spending the next three hours trying to rid myself of a certain WD-40 smell, another co-worker accompanied me out to my car. We first tried hitting the tire with rubber mallets. Then, we put the nuts back on, I got into the driver’s seat, and turned the wheel from one extreme tot hte other. Still no success. So then, I started the car and drove forward and backward about five feet. Still no success. So then I repeated the five feet forward and backward stunt. Still no luck. Finally, we positioned ourselves behind the dirty tire on the dirty ground and, together, we hammered (malleted?) the tire off.

He was kind enough to take me to Firestone which, contrary to their name, sells neither fire nor stone. However, they do sell tires.

The last time I had to change a tire on the Cavalier, I was on the side of the road on I-94. I remember thinking how godawful it was that I was risking mylife like that on the side of the road, but then I thought about how lucky I was that it was such a beautiful day (this was in June 2006). So, today, and back on Saturday, I tried to think about the positive aspects: yes it was cold, yes the security guy was an asshole, yes the ground was dirty. But the good things were that I was safely in a parking lot. Additionally, I was in the parking lot of my employer, so if need be, I couldn’ve left me car there for an extended period of time. Also, it was daytime, so that was nice.

Anyway, if anyone needs a tire changed, I have some tricks up my sleeve now. I can’t actually help you (due to insurance and staffing reasons), but I can provide you with a list of idea on how to remove a stubborn tire. Provided you sign this waiver first.