Friday, 01 July 2011

It’s that time of year again: time for the annual conventions of Jehovah’s Witnesses. The conventions scheduled for here in the midwest will be taking place in Rochester (again) starting today. But let’s face it, attending those conventions is a drain on your vacation time, wallet, psyche, and reasoning abilities. Still, you are eager to find out what new “food” the “faithful and discreet slave” plans to provide “in the proper time” (HINT: not hoagies). So I’m here to help.

There are actually two brochures scheduled to be released at the conventions; both are titled Listen to God and Live Forever – one is a ‘standard’ issue brochure, and the other is a ‘simplified’ version. Below are some highlights of the new brochures. Here’s a fun game: try to figure out if the images displayed are from the standard brochure or the simplified version…

Here’s an image and the accompanying caption from page two. I don’t have much to say about it except that, well, this pretty much sets the tone for the whole brochure. Notice: God teaches people EVERYWHERE. Yep, even the billions of people who do not worship the god of the bible. They don’t say it here, but the Witnesses god also teaches people the best way to die, too (refuse a blood transfusion).

Here’s a picture from page nine. I like that Satan looks like such a bad ass. I mean, he’s not the typical horned, hoofed red guy we usually see. Instead, he looks like James Coburn. Which is awesome.

Why do humans die? Simple: ‘Cause they’re related to Adam and Eve. Also, the dead can’t see or hear OR DO ANYTHING. It says so right here on page 11.

Page 11 also has this gem: Jehovah did not mean for people to die. Honest, it was an accident. He didn’t want it to happen and since he’s not, you know, all-powerful or all-knowing or anything, there wasn’t anything he could do about it.

YES! I love it when the Watchtower Society talks about the flood. It’s so cute. Notice: Noah brought into the ark “every sort of animal” (page 13). Geez, think of the tanks he must’ve built for the whales and sharks. And plesiosaurs.

On page 14, we learn that ALL the WICKED people died. Though it’s tough to see in my scan of the image, this included children. Those wicked, wicked children. It did not, however, include the angels who adopted human form. They’re not people, evidently.

Here’s an image from page 15. I have a better idea for a caption: “Some people are like Noah. They think all the world’s animals can fit in a single boat and that plants can survive a year-long deluge; they are Jehovah’s Witnesses.”

Also on page 15: More wicked people. This includes people who slow dance and use ridiculous gestures when giving speeches.

Page 25: I agree – You can pray about food, employment, shelter, clothing, and health. But damned if it will do any good. Like the time I prayed to Jehovah to help me find employment that would allow me to keep pioneering. He said no.

Page 26: The bad news is, Jehovah’s Witnesses are taught to be homophobes. The good news is, they’re also told not to vote. So don’t worry, Minnesota, we won’t have to worry about them next November.

I just had to include this image from page 26. This is exactly what our home looks like the moment I get home from work.

Page 27 tells us sex outside the marriage is wrong. As you can see, this man has left his big-busted, red-haired, tight-assed wife for a frumpy hag. Bad move. Jehovah will kill you. Even though he doesn’t mean for people to die. Also, it appears that polyandry is just fine.

Page 28: Raging homophobia, part II. This is especially relevant because all the gays that work at the Watchtower Society can finally get married.

Page 31: Nothing draws a person closer to god than hanging out with Witnesses. I know I never felt closer to His presence than when Mike Lewis was condemning me for contemplating using a “just married” sign on our car at our wedding.

Here’s an image from the back cover. Have I mentioned how awesome it is that Satan is depicted as such a bad ass?

There you have it. Save yourself the trouble of attending the convention. This is all you need to know. If it’s too late to cancel your hotel arrangements, I suggest you attend the Pride Fest, instead.

Oh – and have you figured out if these excerpts are from the standard brochure or the simplified version? Come on, just the fact that I asked should clue you in to the answer.

Thursday, 30 June 2011

This evening marked the last class for the “Women in Literature” course. The course isn’t quite done yet – I have to stop by the professor’s office and turn in my final paper by 5:00 tomorrow – but at least I don’t have to show up for class anymore.

I don’t think I’m ever gonna enroll in an accelerated course again. And by “accelerated” I don’t mean “difficult,” I mean “fast.” The course began on June 6th. In the three and a half weeks since then, I’ve had class eight times (two hours each time), plus an online lecture, an individual half hour meeting with the professor, and several discussions on the “Blackboard,” which is the school’s online discussion board. I’ve also had to read three novels (totaling about 800 pages) and watch three films.

On the upside, from May of 2010 until May 2011, I had a grand total of eight credits from Hamline University. In the past six weeks I’ve managed to double that. So, yay me!

Tomorrow, after 5:00, I plan to get on with about ten other things I’ve been meaning to get to lately. Stay tuned.

Tuesday, 28 June 2011

So, I wanted to start off this post by saying “Worst month ever,” but then I decided that would be a gross exaggeration. Instead, I’ll just say this has been a terrible month – the worst one in the past year, that’s for sure.
Let’s see…where did we leave off?
Ah, yes: Since my birthday (June 11th), during which time we had a sick baby at home, Jennifer and I both got sick. In fact, I can’t ever remember being as sick as I was on the 17th. I felt it coming on in the afternoon of the 16th – while I was still at work. I barely made it home. My wife was sick. I tried helping with the kids, but I did a lousy job. Two hours later, I had to leave for class, where I pretty much just sat and had the cold shivers for 2 hours.
Stayed home from work on the 17th.
Was still really sick on the 18th. We were both too sick to take Owen and Isla to a birthday party we were invited to. Owen also had to decline an invitation to spend the day at a classmate’s home. Tried laying in bed again, but healthy kids have zero compassion for sick adults, so when my wife said she was feeling sicker, I got out of bed and tried helping with the kids.
Attended the Pride Parade in Minneapolis on the 26th. About halfway through, I got a migraine (my first one in, like, two years) and we had to leave early. Thought I was going to throw up on the lightrail.
With my headache barely kept at bay, I managed to get to work on the 27th, but a persistent pain in my skull rendered me useless.
Then there’s the house-hunting ordeal. As I’ve stated before – I’m not talking about. It’s been terrible. Contact my wife if you want info.
Through all of this, I’ve been enrolled in an accelerated summer class at Hamline. I’m not entirely certain if it’s been the accelerated pace or the content itself, but this has been the toughest class yet at Hamline, and undoubtedly one of the three or four toughest college classes I’ve ever had. Did I mention that, while sick, I had to read the 300+ page Pride and Prejudice? That godawful pile of shit might be the worst novel I’ve ever had the displeasure of reading. Thinking about it makes me nauseous.
Anyway, I’m back here now, and I’ll try to maintain this blog again.

Wednesday, 29 June 2011

Okay, so now I’m realizing that this month hasn’t been an incessant barrage of crappy experiences. In an effort to reclaim something positive from June, I will now list a few good things:

-Owen graduated from Kindergarten. In between his sickness and his parents’ sickness, Owen successfully attended the last two days of class. Jennifer and I showed up a half hour before class was done on the last day, and we joined in the celebration. The teacher played a QuickTime movie of the year, then passed out cards for the kids. We had snacks and juice and got to look at Owen’s bigger projects for the year. We took a picture of him standing by his ‘desk’ and then took him out to eat, where we gave him a small gift.

-Owen lost his first baby tooth. About a week after Kindergarten was done, Owen lost the tooth. It had been loose for over two weeks, and he refused to help it along. It just kind of fell out one morning. He put it in a special box under his pillow and, in the middle of the night, I swapped it for some gifts and a gold coin (no, we do NOT do the tooth fairy).

-Here’s my latest book review: REASONABLE ATHEISM. One of the author’s wrote to me thanking me for my even-handed analysis of the book.

-One Father’s Day (June 19th), I was still sick, but at least well enough to function. My sick wife took Owen out to the store, and they returned with a present for me, accompanied by a homemade card from Owen. So, that was nice. Owen had also drawn me a picture two days earlier to help me feel better. It seemed to work.

-One of my quizzes was selected for the front page on Sporcle earlier this week. Here it is: LANDLOCKED AND ALONE. Pretty cool to know that 20,000+ people have played a quiz I created.

-An extremely condensed version of my book has been accepted for publication in an upcoming issue of FREE INQUIRY. I was given the option of submitted either an excerpt or a condensed version and, though I would have preferred an excerpt, I really couldn’t find a ~2,000 word chunk of the book that was capable of standing on its own, so I gave them a condensed version. An “extremely” is a perfect word; the version appearing in the magazine will be approximately 1% of the total length of the actual book. I just set up an algorithm in Word to select each 100th word, and then I mailed that to the staff at Free Inquiry. It doesn’t make any sense, of course, but they liked it.

-My daughter was kissed by Al Franken. Damn. Twenty years ago, while watching Stewart Smalley, I never would have thought that one day I would have a daughter and that that daughter would be kissed by Al Franken who, by that time, would be a senator. And why would I think something like that anyways? Yeah, so, I know it’s a cliche’, but I held Isla out from the crowd and Senator Franken planted one on her cheek. He’ll get my vote again in 2017. Unless Michele Bachmann is running against him.

-Finally…

My good friend Tim Galdunick is now a father! His wife gave birth to Charlotte Elizabeth on Tuesday morning. HERE IS THEIR BLOG POST ABOUT IT. I’m very happy for Tim and Madie, and I hope that they find parenting to be as life-changing (in a good way) as Jennifer and I have. I would love to post some sort of congratulatory comment on their site but, despite the fact that they say they’d love to hear from people, I don’t think they want to hear from me. Oh well. If you know Tim and Madie Galdunick – or even if you don’t – please go to their site and wish them well on their new adventure with Charlotte.

Saturday, 11 June 2011

Howdy.

So, I’m writing today – June 11, 2011. As you can tell, this is not the next consecutive day in my blog posting, but I’m taking a breather here.

Of course, I have plenty I could write about – such as an excerpt from my book being accepted for publication in a magazine & my son’s first loose tooth – but I’m too stressed out right now and not in the right frame of mind. I think I need to curtail a couple of activities that, despite what I may like to believe are not, in fact, priorities (e.g., this blog).

Since my last post I have had a very busy week at work. Came home on Monday to a sick son. His fever was high and the heat (>100 degrees) and humidity weren’t helping any. I began my accelerated summer class at Hamline on Monday and, as I drove there at 6:00 PM, I received a call from my wife telling me I was needed back at home. Owen’s fever was getting higher. I eventually made it to class (even one absence in an accelerated class is enough to significantly drop a grade) ten minutes late. Got back home that evening, nearly killed a family of birds, then took Owen to the emergency room. Got home at midnight, couldn’t sleep due to heat + worrying about my son + worrying about the new class + concern for the birds.

Owen missed school Tuesday, too. This, plus the medicine for strep was really stressing him out. I missed work on Tuesday & had no time to do my homework. Laid around in 100+ degree weather trying to stay cool. Failed. The only relaxing part of the day was when I was at the dentist.

Wednesday: Owen began developing blisters on his face and extremities. Jennifer took him to urgent care where they declared he was allergic to the penicillin. Gave him different medicine. They got home at midnight. I got about four hours of sleep.

Thursday, rushed to finish some homework. Jennifer took Owen to the doctor’s again, as he was not clearing up. Turns out he never had strep and never needed the medicine that they prescribed. Instead, he had hand, foot and mouth disease and told all that was needed was some time to heal. Told he was contagious and, thus, would have to miss school on Friday, too (his fifth in a row). I went to class, Owen, still sick, stayed home and missed the end-of-the-year picnic.

Friday: after about 5 hours of sleep, had a crazy busy day at work. During lunch, squeezed in some homework time. Came home to a stir-crazy son and feverish daughter.

Saturday (today): Owen is so stir crazy he’s entirely obnoxious (though he has channeled some of this nervous energy into drying the dishes and folding the laundry). He was invited to spend the day with a class mate but, of course, had to decline the invite. Isla has been whining and crying all day. Nursing doesn’t make her feel better, as her throat is scratchy, and this just frustrates her. I’m trying to read some homework, but I’m just not ‘getting’ it. Today being my birthday, Jennifer went out and bought me dinner, beer, cake, and lottery tickets.

Anyway, ask me in person if you want any more details on any of the above stuff (and there’s more, too, but I left out some of it). As I said above, I’m taking a hiatus. Unless something major and unexpected occurs in the next 18 days, I will commence the daily postings again beginning on June 29th.

My wife and son are preparing to sing me “Happy Birthday” and present me with a pound cake topped with candles. So…gotta go. Happy birthday to me.

Saturday, 04 June 2011

Today, the four of us ventured over to downtown Minneapolis and joined in with the Heart Walk. Despite walking for an entire mile, however, none of us were able to find a cure for heart disease. Oh well. Maybe next year.

“Hold on!” you say. Since when is James willing to drive in to downtown Minneapolis? That’s a great question, and I thank you for asking. The answer is that I did not drive into Minneapolis. Instead, we took advantage of the bus system’s generous offer to shuttle Heart Walkers around for free. That’s right, all I had to do was flash a print out from the AHA’s site to the driver, and they let all four of us board the bus for free.

I have to say, however, that attending and participating in the Heart Walk was pretty much an exercise in frustration and I therefore have no desire to participate again next year. For one thing, catching buses is always stressful. Where do I stand? Should I be on the other side of the street? Is it running late? Did it come early? What if I get on the wrong one? Is this my stop? When will this drunk guy stop talking to me?

When the bus dropped us off at Target Field (a place none of us had been to before), we did not know which direction to go. The bus was also about 10 minutes late so, instead of checking in with my team (where I planned to get four raffle tickets to win a Wii), we instead ran over to the correct section of the bleachers for a group picture. As far as we can determine, they never took the picture. Instead, there was a lot of grandstanding and rah-rahing going on down on the field. Some people spoke in a microphone but, as is typical at large events like this, the audio was unintelligible, so I can’t even be sure what language the announcers were speaking.

While this was occurring, I tried getting downstairs to check in. A few elevators were off limits, and there was no signage directing us. When we finally found the correct spot, no one was there. I later emailed my team captain to complain, and he said we had to be there by 10:00 to get the raffle tickets (we got there at ~10:15). Oh, thanks for telling me now. That’s great.

Finally, at 11:00, the walk began. As my wife astutely quipped, it was more of a heart dawdle, really, as there were too many people in too small of an area. The crowd made the walking so slow that there were times I had to come to a complete stop. Dumb.

Instead of quasi-walking for an hour, I think the Heart Association would be better served by trying to get people to actually work for an hour. Yeah, that’s right, if they want my energy next year, instead of hassling over bus rides, listening to a program on a terrible audio system, and shuffling down main street, I’ll just go to work for one hour and allow my employer to pay the AHA instead of paying me.

The offer’s on the table, guys, just let me know.

Sunday, 05 June 2011

So now we’ve come to that time of the year where I complain about the weather.

God I hate the summer!

The sun so completely sapped my energy from yesterday’s walk, that I pretty much laid around for the rest of the day. Today, we tried going to the Y to go swimming but, halfway there, Owen declared that he felt nauseous, so we turned around and headed back home. So, again, I was too tired to do anything. Later, we even went to the local co-op, a place so close that we almost always walk there. But with the sun reaching Florida-crazy level by 5:00 this evening, we lazily boarded our car for the five block trek.

This evening, I paid a visit to our garage where, I think, I could have died if I stayed in there much longer. I had to remove a storage bin and the heat was so bad I had to stop twice just to catch my breath.

After the sun set, I concocted an ice-cold beverage for Jennifer and I to drink. Sitting under the ceiling fans helped a little. Before going to bed, I checked on Owen. He was sleeping under his heavy quilt. I peeled it off of him lest he have heat stroke in the middle of the night.

Here’s to September: the month I used to despise for 12 years thanks to school, and then for five years more thanks to pioneering. Now, however, I consider it among the best of the year. I eagerly anticipate your arrival, September.

If I seem like I’m in a bad (worse?) mood during the next 90 days, now you’ll know why.