Saturday, 06 August 2011

Today we attended my nephew’s birthday party.

Before the party, I told Owen it seems like he’d been to a lot of birthday parties this year. He said he has been to eight, so I counted them up and he’s exactly correct (assuming he did not count his own, since you don’t really ‘get invited’ to your own party). Counting his own party, he’s been to nine, so his cousin Asa’s party today makes number ten. And, we noted, we even had to cancel our plans to go to one party due to sickness.

Today’s party was very nice. A small affair (eleven people in attendance including the guest of honor). Lots of food. Good cake.

It just so happens that last week, my wife’s brother and his wife became parents to child #2, so Isla, Asa, and this new baby all have birthdays within 12 days of each other. Maybe, in the future, the three of them will share a birthday party together. The longer I am not a Witness, the more baffling it is to me that Witnesses can so completely ignore their children’s birthdays.

I mean, technically, most of them don’t ignore them, but they’re taught to downplay them to a drastic extent. My brother-in-law and his wife, for example (the ones who just had another baby), use their wedding anniversary as an excuse to shower their older daughter with gifts and a fun day. I’ve known other Witnesses who did this, too, and it’s just plain stupid. They’re simply trying to get around what they know is a silly rule. When I was growing up, my mom said ‘happy birthday’ to me every year, in a silly-sounding voice that let me know she wasn’t really wishing me happy birthday – ’cause that would be bad – she was simply acknowledging that it was the anniversary of my birth (’cause, you know, that’s so much different). My grandfather, in what I assert is the shittiest birthday gift any grandparent can give their grandchild, called me every year on my birthday and shared a scripture with me.

Now that I’m not a Witness, my grandfather doesn’t bother calling me on my birthday (big loss) and my mom performs linguistic gymnastics to acknowledge birthdays without letting on that, technically, she’s sinning against her religion. On Isla’s birthday, for example, she sent me and email with “Happy Day” for the subject line and she called Owen the day after his birthday to let him know she was sending him a gift ‘because she was thinking about him lately.”

The other day, someone once again asked me why Witnesses don’t celebrate birthdays. I said, “They don’t do it because they are told not to do it.” And that’s really all there is to it. If the Watchtower Society announced tomorrow that they’ve reinterpreted the scriptures and now they feel that birthdays are acceptable, all the Witnesses would clap for joy and nod to each other as if this is the most logical development in the world and isn’t it great how their religion is always refining the truth?

Sunday, 07 August 2011

Speaking of that missed birthday party, today we met up with some friends and lunched at Aristo’s restaurant in Stillwater. Owen gave his friend the birthday present that had been sitting by our front door for nearly two months. The service was verrrry slow, but the food was scrumptious – I ordered some tilapia on pita bread. This is a combination of food I’d never enjoyed before, but now I’m determine to masticate such comestibles again.

In the evening, my mom came over. She’s in town once again and she plans to stay at our house the next two nights. Owen hogged most of her attention, which was just fine by Jennifer and me, as it let us get a few other things done.

Our home isn’t exactly in top form for having house-guests right now. We are awash in boxes: about a quarter of our belongings are packed up, and there are many empty boxes sitting around waiting to be filled. In the meantime, they’re taking up lots of space. On the one hand, I hate moving, on the other hand, I don’t like it either. I will be glad when we’ve relocated to our new place and we can trip over boxes there.

Thursday, 04 August 2011

This evening, Jennifer and I watched the Seinfeld episode “The Bubble Boy.” I was excited to watch it; I thought it was one of those classic episodes – In fact, tv.com users have placed it fifth overall. But, with the exception of The Contest, I’m never quite certain if it is the episode itself that is a classic, or if it’s just a line from the episode that people find memorable.

I think, what people remember from this episode are two things:

1) The cast says “bubble boy” like a dozen times. For some reasons, the Seinfeld writers think it’s funny to just repeat a short phrase over and over again. I don’t think that’s very funny. The only time it was funny in this episode was when Jerry said, “he lives in a bubble,” and then George says, “boy!” (as if he’s saying “wow”).

2) The Trivial Pursuit card has a misprint. Instead of saying ‘The Moors,’ it says ‘The Moops.’

So, all in all, I was disappointed with this episode. It’s hard to find too much humor in a kid who has to live inside a plastic bubble…and the rest of the show just wasn’t that funny. I gotta stop excepting too much out of these ‘classic’ Seinfeld episodes or I’m just gonna be disappointed throughout all nine seasons.

Friday, 05 August 2011

Seven years and four months ago, I showed up for my first day of work at my current job. The receptionist pages my new boss, and he came down to the lobby to meet me. He directed me up to my new cube, and during the walk he explained I would be sharing a cube “for a few months, until we move to the new lab area.” A few seconds later, I met Brett who, having arrived exactly at 8:00, was on time and had beaten me by five minutes.

Despite my manager’s promise, Brett and I shared a cube for four years and one month. In fact, we shared three cubes together, moving first to the new lab area, then moving again when the lab was expanded and our cube was mowed down to make room.

One day, I spun around in my cube to ask a favor of Brett. I don’t recall what it was – maybe I wanted him to review some of my lab work, or maybe I had a question on a computer program we used. Regardless, Brett asked what I would be willing to pay. I offered to review something of his in return, but he said that wasn’t goo enough. So I offered him my soul.

I wrote down “my soul” on a sheet of post-it paper:

Brett accepted the payment, and placed my soul in his desk drawer. That was about four years ago. Since then, Brett moved to a different cube (and then he moved again, and again).

Today was Brett’s final day of work here. After taking him out to lunch today, he came over to my cube with a few papers to give back to me. Attached to the top of the stack was the post-it identifying possession of my soul.

Good-bye, Brett. I shall miss working with you. And to everyone else: if you’d like my soul, just name your price.

Tuesday, 02 August 2011

The folks at Prometheus Books sent me the book The End of Christianity, edited by John Loftus. They sent it to me for free, on the condition that I write a review of it.

It’s a decent book. Certainly not great. Not even good, in fact. But it’s not horrible and I intend to finish it. I’m currently about 2/3 of the way through, and I wanted to write about a curious analogy I read on pages 207-217. Those pages are from chapter 8, and the author of that chapter, Dr. Matt McCormick, argues that if anyone accepts Jesus’ resurrection based on the evidence provided in the gospels, then they should also accept that there really were witches in Salem during the late 17th century.

The doctor points out that 150 people were accused of witchcraft in Salem. Using several passive sentences, he notes that the folks in Salem set up a court, conducted investigations, and gathered evidence. People confessed. Community members transcribed the proceedings and accompanied their texts with affidavits, original court documents, and interviews.

Unlike the gospels, this was all documented in real-time (not decades later) by eyewitnesses (not people like Mark, Luke, and Paul who – even if they were the real authors – weren’t present). Community members recorded their sworn statements of witnessing acts of sorcery. Of course, we might claim that everyone was lying, but they had so much to lose. Some of these people provided statements against their spouses, children, parents, and neighbors. “Accusing a friend or wife of being a witch would very likely have the horrible outcome of getting them executed,” the doctor says on page 208.

He claims that if all the documentation from Salem’s witchcraft trials were gathered into one place, it would fill a truck.

The surviving evidence we have that Salem was full of witches far outweighs the evidence we have that Jesus was resurrected.

The doctor notes that if this line of reasoning is pointed out to a Christian, they’re likely to just respond that both the resurrection and the witchcraft in Salem were real events. I wonder if this is true. I can’t recall ever discussing the Salem event with my fellow Witnesses (when I was a Witness), but I wonder if they think their really were acts of sorcery back then. They might. They believe in demons, and they think things like Ouija boards, Ozzy Osbourne records, and the Smurfs have mystical Satanic powers.

The problem with accepting the Salem accounts at face-value, Dr. McCormick notes, is that there are many other tales of the supernatural that are also better documented than the resurrection. So, if people are willing to accept the Salem event as true, then they also need to accept the miracles of Judaism (such as the Hanukkah miracles), Hinduism, Mormonism, and Catholicism (these last two involve much more recent miraculous claims).

As I said, the book is not remarkable, but these few pages were the most intriguing of the bunch. Am I missing something, or is this a pretty damn good argument?

Wednesday, 03 August 2011

Today at work, I walked to the cafeteria to get some ice. While there, I found a dime sitting on the floor. Yes!

As I mentioned back on January 4th, I am keeping track of the money I find this year. One thing I was interested in determining was if I would be able to find enough money to equal minimum wage. Currently, minimum wage is set at $7.25. Well, as you’ve probably guessed by now, today I passed that milestone.

My total was one cent short since Monday. On that day, I also found a dime and my yearly total rang up to $7.24. Today’s dime, therefore, allows me to comfortably surpass that mark. In just over seven months, I found – just lying there for anyone to see – enough money to equal one hour of minimum wage work.

And my pay wasn’t even taxed.

Monday, 01 August 2011

Last week, I mentioned that I keep track of the singles that go to #1 on Billboard’s Hot 100. A friend asked me why bother since it’s almost all really bad music anyway.

Here’s the deal: Like films that win the Oscar for Best Picture, The Presidents, The Elements, and the Countries of the World, The #1 Songs is a finite, slowly changing list from which to cull all sorts of interesting facts and figures. More than that, it’s fascinating to see how songs and artists that I enjoy are doing on the charts. Of course, as another friend has repeatedly pointed out, going to #1 (or not) doesn’t have an inherent influence on the quality of the song. But, as a trivia buff, it’s fun to wonder why, what if, and how come: I lament Bush’s victory in the Presidential election of 2000, and Rear Window’s loss of Best Picture, but the stats and the accompanying trivia is fun.

Here, then, are a few bits of Hot 100 trivia that I think are pretty interesting (and I’m just listing these off the top of my head, so feel free to double-check):

-No woman has been on top of the charts more than Diana Ross: 12 times as a member of the Supremes, 5 times as a soloist, once with Lionel Richie, and once as a member of USA for Africa (total = 19).

-The biggest gap a musician ever had between #1 songs is nearly 25 years (March 1974-March 1999). The record belongs to Cher.

-Creedence Clearwater Revival holds the record for most #2 songs without ever attaining a #1 song (it happened to them 5 times).

-The Barenaked Ladies song “One Week” stayed at number one for …one week. Prince’s song “7,” meanwhile, only peaked at #7.

-As a writer, Barry Gibb had four #1 songs in a row in 1978.

-Puff Daddy’s “I’ll Be Missing You” is the shittiest ‘song’ to ever go to #1.

-The oldest person to have a #1 song was Louie Armstrong, in 1964. He was 62.

-Speaking of 1964, The Beatles dominated the charts that year. They scored six #1 hits (a record!). The song “A World Without Love,” by Peter Gordon also went to #1 that year. It was written by John Lennon and Paul McCartney, meaning those two men penned seven #1 hits in a single year. The Beatles’ song “I Want to Hold Your Hand” was succeeded at #1 by “She Loves You,” which was then succeeded at #1 by “Can’t Buy Me Love.” No other act has ever had three in a row like that. During the week of April 4th, The Beatles had the #1, 2, 3, 4, and 5 song. During the week of April 11th, they had 14 songs on the Hot 100. Their song “Twist and Shout” failed to become a #1 song. It was blocked from the top spot by another Beatles song.

-Lots of songs have gone to #1, then dropped down to #2 or 3 for a week or two, then jumped back up to #1, but the only song to go to #1, then drop all the way off the charts, then climb all the way back up to #1 is Chubby Checker’s “The Twist.”

-The shortest title for a #1 song is Britney Spear’s “3.” The longest title is so long I can’t even remember it, but it went to #1 in 1981, and the title begins with “Medley: Intro Venus…”

Since there have been several #1 songs that I do like, I will here make a chronological listing of my favorite #1 songs…

“That’ll Be the Day” Buddy Holly (1957)

Like so many artists here, Holly’s best songs did not make it to #1. This, in fact, was his only song that did. So even though it’s not my favorite Holly song, it’s the only one I can list here. And it’s not so bad.

“The Battle of New Orleans” Johnny Horton (1959)

“Mack the Knife” Bobby Darin (1959)

“Hit the Road Jack” Ray Charles (1961)

“Oh, Pretty Woman” Roy Orbison (1964)

“I Feel Fine” The Beatles (1964)

“Help!” The Beatles (1965)

“Yesterday” The Beatles (1965)

“The Sounds of Silence” Simon and Garfunkel (1966)

“Paint It, Black” The Rolling Stones (1966)

“Good Vibrations” The Beach Boys (1966)

It’s a tough call, but I gotta say this is the best song to ever go to #1.

“All You Need is Love” The Beatles (1967)

“The Dock of the Bay” Otis Redding (1968)

“Mrs. Robinson” Simon and Garfunkel (1968)

“Come Together/Something” The Beatles (1969)

These two songs were #1 at the same time (they formed the A- and B-sides to a record). I’m listing them both because they’re both awesome.

“Let It Be” The Beatles (1970)

“My Sweet Lord” George Harrison (1970)

This is a close contender for best #1 song ever. Like I said, tough call.

“Me and Bobby McGee” Janis Joplin (1971)

I like songs by women, too.

“I Feel the Earth Move” Carol King (1971)

See? Told ya.

“How Can You Mend a Broken Heart?” The Bee Gees (1971)

“Uncle Albert / Admiral Halsey” Paul and Linda McCartney (1971)

“American Pie” Don McLean (1972)

“Heart of Gold” Neil Young (1972)

“A Horse With No Name” America (1972)

“Superstition” Stevie Wonder (1973)

Another contender for best #1 song ever.

“Bennie and the Jets” Elton John (1974)

“Sundown” Gordon Lightfoot (1974)

“Whatever Get You Through the Night” John Lennon (1974)

“50 Ways to Leave Your Lover” (1976) Paul Simon

Simon’s got 50 songs that are better than this…but this is the only one that went to #1.

“Sir Duke” Stevie Wonder (1977)

“What a Fool Believes” The Doobie Brothers (1979)

“Crazy Little Thing Called Love” Queen (1980)

Another Brick in the Wall” Pink Floyd (1980)

“It’s Still Rock and Roll to Me” Billy Joel (1980)

“Another One Bites the Dust” Queen (1980)

…Geez, looks like 1980 was the best year ever for #1 songs.

“Starting Over” John Lennon (1980)

…See what I mean?

“Sledgehammer” Peter Gabriel (1986)

Another strong contender for best #1 ever.

“Higher Love” Steve Winwood (1986)

“I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For” U2 (1987)

Like Paul Simon, U2 has lots of songs that are better than this one, but hardly ever had a #1 hit.

“We Didn’t Start the Fire” Billy Joel (1989)

“Praying for Time” George Michael (1990)

“Don’t Let the Sun Go Down on Me” Elton John and George Michael (1992)

“Smooth” Santana and Rob Thomas (1999)

“Makes Me Wonder” Maroon 5 (2007)

“Viva la Vida” Coldplay (2008)

and, of course…

“Rolling in the Deep” Adele (2011)

Sunday, 31 July 2011

When Owen and I came back inside our apartment building this morning after taking out the garbage, we saw a pile of stuff sitting in the hallway. Someone had taped a sign on the wall that read FREE. Owen and I went into our apartment to get Jennifer, and the three of us dug through a bunch of items looking for things we might want.

Being as it is the last day of the month, the stuff was either left behind by someone who recently moved out or, more likely, was being chucked by a tenant who was in the process of moving.

Later in the day, when I took Owen out to a birthday party, there was more stuff sitting out. Jennifer looked out in the hallway again around dinner time, and there was even more stuff.

Things we did NOT take included a large stuffed bear from IKEA, a kids’ bookshelf, a TV/DVD combo, several books, candle-holders, a wooden balance, a coffee table, and assorted toys.

But more importantly, here are the things we did take…

Okay, so this picture isn’t that good. Actually, none of the pictures are that good because I took them at night using my wife’s iPhone, but I think you get the point. Here are three magazine bins from IKEA. We already own three of these, but we had wanted more, and there were just the perfect price. Also pictured is a relatively new, mint condition dictionary and about 200 sheets of printer paper.

Here’s a comforter for kids.

This is some doodle-pro thing for kids that helps teach them how to write the letters.

Here’s a totally empty red book. Should come in handy when I write my manifesto.

Speaking of manifesto, here’s the Karl Marx/Friedrich Engels classic, along with two other books that just looked fun to own. Especially at this price.

Here are some books for children, including the Caldecott-winning Blueberries for Sal, Leo the Late Bloomer, two books about mythology, and a Thomas the Tank Engine tale.

A lamp. Probably stolen from Pixar Animation Studios. This was the only item we took that needed any sort of repair. The lamp’s neck was not secured to the base very well. I took the base off and tightened up a nut. Viola! Good as new.

This little computer thingy is called a “Leapster,” and it came with four cartridges. Jennifer says they’re good for learnin’ kids good. It all came in a handy, hardy case, too.

Aww…how adorable. This is a book for us to read to Isla.

This is a 4H cookbook. And my right hand.

Owen absconded with this sand timer. He’s got a special place in his heart for sand timers, I think.

Jennifer says we already have a mini-tape recorder, but I don’t recall seeing it around lately and, if I remember right, it didn’t work well. I think it’s important to keep a small tape recorder with me so that I can record conversations and blackmail the shit out of people.

Hey, look! I did take at least one good picture. This is a huge puzzle in the shape of a t-rex. I ferried it into our apartment in a clandestine fashion and swiftly hid it up on a high shelf. My plan is to wrap it up and give it to Owen as a present when baby Jesus’ birthday comes around.

…Same thing with this. It’s a computer for kids. This is going to be the best (=cheapest) Christmas ever.

We unzipped this piece of luggage and out popped this topless dancer. So, we figured, hey, let’s bring it home. It’s a Victorinox Swiss Army Luggage, which must be a quality name brand, because when I researched it at THIS SITE all I could find was outrageously priced suitcases. Should be great for those times when we need to smuggle two or three toddlers out of the country (which we plan to do on January 20, 2013, when Michele Bachmann is sworn in as our Chief Executive).

Finally, we also took off with this La-Z-Boy rocking, reclining chair. As you can see, Isla has called shotgun.

Not pictured are a few other books that I have already misplaced (we are packing, after all), three other blankets, two or three toy cars, a box of 5 burnable CDs, a polished rock that Owen swiped, and one of those pinpression thingys.

All in all, a good haul. I hope this sort of thing happens every day for the rest of my life.

(“Score! Part One” is RIGHT HERE, by the way.)