Saturday, 20 October 2012

I think it’s time to pronounce the Apple Orchards of my childhood dead.

Once upon a time, there were a dozen apple orchards within a halfhour of my house, and I went to those orchards and actually picked apples. There were signs saying “feel free to eat an apple while you stroll through our orchard.” After I got my bag of apples, I went in to the little store, and they weighed the bag and charge me accordingly.

There are still some like that…but they’re not nearby.

Today we visited McDougall’s Apple Junction. Unlike several other orchards, there’s no admission fee. That, plus their online promise that we could pick our own apples, got us to pay them a visit.

When we got there, I couldn’t find any indication of where to pick apples, so I went into the store and has this conversation with a woman sitting behind a sampling table…

ME: Hi, we’d like to pick some apples, so…

SHE: Oh, there’s plenty of bags of apples for sale right there.

ME: Yeah, well we wanted to PICK our own apples. That’s why we came.

SHE: Oh, I think there’s only one variety of apple left to pick.

ME: Okay, how do we do that?

SHE: Just go outside, and there’ll be bags for you.

So, we went outside, and let the kids play with the free stuff (there was a playground and haystack maze that cost extra). I couldn’t find any bags. So I walked up to this guy at a counter where they were selling brats, and I noticed a wood shelf that said “bags.” It was empty. So I waited about 5 minutes until it was my turn, and then I asked him if he had any bags available for apple picking. He had to rummage around a bit, but then he pulled out a plastic bag, wrote today’s date on it, then said, “Okay, that’s 20 bucks.”

ME: Twenty dollars? Don’t you have a smaller bag, or charge by the pound [like they do with pumpkins].

HE: No.

ME (looking at Jennifer): I don’t know, I think $20 is a lot.

JENNIFER: Yeah, that’s ridiculous. We’ll never eat that many apples.

ME: Yeah, that would be a waste of food and money.

HE: Oh, okay then.

So…thanks for nothing, McDougall.

Then we drove over to Ziertman’s, a place we partonized last year, upon which I decreed we’d return. They sell rock-bottom priced pumpkins (like, 25 cents) and homemade honey. The kids enjoyed feeding the goats, and we had a good time. Alas, there’s no apple-picking there, either. So we’ll keep looking…

Sunday, 21 October 2012

Today I made two trips to the compost heaps in Ramsey County.

The first trip was all the way up to White Bear, where they accept dirt. We got a lot of unneeded dirt. Earlier in the summer, Jennifer suggested we pile it all in the driveway and advertize “free dirt,” but I never did that. I guess my primary resistance to her idea was that, if no one took the dirt, I’d be forced to shovel it a second time (this time into bags) and then take it to the copost heap anyway.

Since our driveway has a slight incline, my idea was to evenly spread the dirt over the driveway right before a heavy downpour, and just let it all wash away. Jennifer thought that was stupid.

My second trip was to the local compost heap, where Owen and I transported 9 bags of leaves. Owen loves going to the compost heap, and he insists on dumping out all of the bags. I think next time we go, I’m gonna bring a lawn chair, an umbrella, and a lemonade, and just set up camp next to the car while my son goes to work. Then all the other men will look at me and be so jealous that my kid does all my work for me. And maybe some women, too – one time, I saw a woman at the compost heap. So that’s good that they’re making inroads into dumping leaves. Glad they’re breaking through that gender barrier.

In other news: Is this an IKEA product, or a Lord of the Rings character? Great idea for a quiz; I scored surprisingly well (85%), but that’s probably because I’ve read all the IKEA novels and I’ve been to Lord of the Rings, like, 50 times.

Wednesday, 17 October 2012

I’ve agreed to participate in an author reading coming up next Friday. In case you’ve lost track of what I’ve been reading where, this is another reading of excerpts from Atheist Voices of Minnesota, in which my essay “Losing My Head” appears.

This reading will be at Valley Bookseller, a rather trendy book store in Stillwater. My favorite aspect of the store is the large aviary with finches nesting and flitting about.

I think there will be four readers, and (I hope) a question-and-answer session. Then out to eat at a local swanky restaurant.

Let me know if you’d like to join my wife and me – or just show up and surprise us.

Click here for details.

Thursday, 18 October 2012

For class, I had to reread Adventures of Huckleberry Finn, which I now like marginally better than the first time I read it.

The edition we read features a couple dozen essays about the book, and the professor set it up such that each student has to read and deliver a presentation on one particular essay. My presentation, which I gave today, concerned a feminist approach to Huck Finn, but many of the essay discussed the racism.

Let me sum up the essays on racism for you real quickly: The problem with Huck Finn is that black kids will think less of themselves and maybe even be picked on by the white kids. The essayists differed on whether the novel should even be read and discussed at all in classes with young students.

After the third (or maybe fourth?) such essay, I had to raise  my hand and ask: Do any of the essays adress the harm the novel might have on white kids, or even all kids in general?

No one seemed to know what I meant, so I clarified: All the essays seemed to think that readers just automatically will identify with characters based on race. I explained that I, like the (black) character Jim, am a married father in my 30s. So I identify more with Jim than with 12-year olds Huck and Tom. And even if I was to identify with Huck, it doesn’t make me feel empowered to launch racial slurs or not mind if slavery should be re-legalized, it would make me embarrassed that white folk used to act like such rednecked bigots…and that they still do.

The professor said that it really depends on where we are – reading Huck Finn in 1960s Alabama might have posed a real problem for black students. I said that I assumed we were talking about reading this in classrooms in 2010s Minnesota.

In other news, if you’re in the market for a new binder, then I suggest checking out the reviews for this white Avery Durable View Binder with 2 inch EZ-Turn Ring. If you don’t laugh, there must be something wrong with you (like, you’re probably Mormon or something).

Friday, 19 October 2012
For over a month now, I’ve had the word “Community” written down on today’s date on the calendar.

“Why is that?” you ask.

Great question. I’m glad you asked. Here’s the reason: my favorite sitcom, Community, was slated to begin its fourth season this evening, and I wanted to catch it. Well, with kids, it was unlikely I would watch it right when it aired, but I figured I would watch it later, after they went to bed.

So what happened?

Well…NBC postponed it.

Not sure why. Could be becuase it’s a funny show that I actually enjoy and it seems that my enjoyment of a show is a surefire measurement of how bad a network screws with said show.

“Postponed until when?”

Again, I’m glad you asked. I don’t know. After conducting extensive research (I checked Wikipedia’s article on it), it would seem the network hasn’t released the season’s premier date. Sad.

In brighter news, here’s the cast of Community explaining this season-postponement conundrum to us fans:

Monday, 15 October 2012

 This morning, I brought my son to school, and here’s a picture of a Honda Odyssey parked a few cars in front of mine:

The writing might be tough to see, so I’ll spell it out for you:

On the left side of the torture device, it reads “Living within Loving Boundaries is NOT LIMITING it’s LIBERATING VOTE YES for Marriage” [sic].

On the torture device itself, it reads: “Not of this World JESUS”.

And to the right, it says: “If U leave it blank it counts as a No vote.”

And here’s what I have to say:

First of all, living within any sort of boundaries is limiting. That’s what boundaries do: they limit things. The boundary isn’t necessarily bad, but it’s limiting nonetheless. For example, I have to live within the boundaries of Earth’s atmosphere. That’s not liberating, it’s limiting. But that’s okay.

Second, by denying same-sex couples the right to vote, this person is explicitly denying them a liberating boundary. So…I’m not sure their first sentence is even coherent.

Third, I totally agree: Jesus is not of this world. This world is reality, and Jesus is fantasy. So, like zombies and leprechauns, Jesus is, of course, not of this world.

Fourth, since we can all agree that Jesus is not real, then it forms no real argument for or against same-sex marriage. At least Witnesses have the good sense to keep out of government: they live in a magical world where things like Smurfs and Michael Jackson can kill you and where birhtday parties are evil and shunning family members is good. They wisely realize their pretend play should have no voice in the real world. And it doesn’t. Take a lesson, Odyssey.

Fifth: I agree. If “U” leave it blank, it does count as a no vote. So, if you’re like many disenchanted voters, and can’t stand the sight of either major-party Presidential candidate, please go vote anyway. Leave the president choice blank, if you must, and just vote no on the amendment proposals. Or vote on the 6th district judge and leave everything else blank. Or write in my name for county commissioner. Go on, do it.

In other news…

Here’s an article about a Boy Scout denied his badge because he’s gay.

And here’s a very Funny post about cats and how they are nothing but murders.

Tuesday, 16 October 2012

This evening, I returned to Homewood Studios in Minneapolis for an author reading event. I read my short story “Bad Air,” which is on display at their gallery until Saturday, the 20th. So, if you can peel your butt off your couch, go take a look at it. There’s a guest book there where you can leave comments, and all the comments get forwarded to the authors, so I’ll read what you wrote.

Anyway, there was a small crowd, and only four readers. I was the third reader. After each piece, the audience asked questions. I like this part the best. At all the other readings I’ve done recently (Fresh Grounds Coffee Shop and the UU Church, to name a couple), I simply read my piece, accepted the applause, and sat down. This was much better.

Sometimes they asked questions about me – like, “Have you written any other fiction?” and sometimes they commented on the story – like, “Wow, I could really feel like I was there.”

Speaking of that, I guess the two parts of my story people liked best were the descriptions of Africa – my story told of “telephone lines receding in the distance” as a man walked out of town, and of two brothers “sitting in the shadow of their stalled car” to stay cool. They asked me how I came up with this imagery of Ugandan Africa, and I said, “Google Images.”

The curator asked if I had any other pieces to read. He asked all the participants this, but they all read short poems, so I was a little surprised that, after reading a 3-page story, they still wanted to hear more. I told him I had brought a copy of Hamline’s 2012 Fulcrum to read a short story from that, but that I’d had second thoughts and left in the Little Free Library right outside the door. The audience told me to retrieve it, so I did.

So then I read my essay “Andy,” which I chose over my other story in The Fulcum (the story “The Third”) because I had never read this one aloud to a group before. After reading this piece, one man said that it reminded him of his friend, who had died. He said, “My friend had everything I didn’t have, except time,” which I thought was quite sad. Then he said, “I’m sure Andy still thinks of you.”

It turns out, about hald the people in attendance were related to Witnesses, and they’re all disgusted by the coldness they receive from those family members. One audience member asked if I thought of sending Andy a copy of the story I wrote. I said, “Yes, but I never have.” Then another guy said, “Put the book back in the Little Free Library, and who knows? – Maybe Andy will pull it out and read it one day.” I was going to mention the pervading illiteracy in the Witness religion, but I didn’t.

After the reading, a few of the visual artists took us around to their pieces and discussed them. Pretty fascinating, really, and it helped me appreciate each piece even more.

All in all, a great evening.

I finally left just after 9:00. I deposited The Fulcrum in the Little Free Library.

Saturday, 13 October 2012

This afternoon, I attended the Twin Cities Book Festival. Unlike previous years, this time the festival was held in a building at the State Fair grounds, so that was pretty awesome. They used to hold the fair at the Minneapolis Community and Technical College, in downtown Minneapolis. This assured that there was no place to park. But this year, it was closer to my house, and parking was free of both frustration and fees.

A couple of months back, I had this idea that I would show up with, like, $200 and just spend it on all the awesome books for sale. Alas, due to a string of badly-timed events, I had to attend the fair with no money. So…I just tried to find a bunch of free stuff.

I grabbed about ten pieces of candy, an apple, two bookmarks, and even a book. The book was available for free at a table called “Muslim Media.” It’s called A Brief Illustrated Guide to Islam, and it’s not quite a hundred pages. They were also giving away free copies of the Qu’ran, but I already have a copy, so I didn’t take off with another one.

I had a chance to ask the (presumably) Muslim man who was hosting the table a couple of questions I had. First, is it necessary to learn Arabic if I wish to read the Qu’ran? He said no, but, like Shakespeare in English, it sure is advantageous to read it in the original language.

My second question was: Do people mix you up with Hindus and Sihks and Buddhists? Yeah, he said this happens quite often, though the Twin Cities are better than other areas of the countries he’s been to (yay!). He mentioned the event, back on September 12, 2001, when some redneck opened fire on a Hindu man thinking “his people” were responsible for the terrorist attack. He and I both agreed that killing someone in cold blood because they happen to belong to the same religion as a megalomaniac is bad enough, but not even knowing the difference between majore world religions is, well, really sad.

Funny thing: The Muslim Media table was right next to the Freethought House table, and one passerby asked the Muslim guy (not the same guy I was speaking with) if he felt safe being next to a group of atheists, and the Muslim said, “I feel safer being next to them than being next to other religious people, or even other Muslims.”

Sunday, 14 October 2012

As advertised earlier, today I read a portion of my essay in Atheist Voices of Minnesota during a UU church service.

I liked this church. The building itself was quite inviting and comfortable. This is the fourth UU church I’ve attended, and I think this is my favorite building. The one in White Bear Lake was also homey and environmentally-friendly, so that one’s a close second. And the one in Minneapolis is all grand and church-y (and has a great view of the ciy), but it’s also cold and sterile feeling. So, the Bloomington UU church gets my vote for best church in the Twin Cities.

I think my reading went very well. The microphone was working (that’s actually a rarity, believe it or not), the room was comfortable, and I was well-prepared with a large-font print-out of my excerpt.

Last month, as you may recall, I read a portion of my essay at the Minnesota Atheists monthly meeting. That time, I made the mistake of reading directly from the book. This was tough, because I had to force the book open and try to read the smaller print while standing and projecting my voice. So, I learned my lesson.

Afterwards, there was lunch. Tacos. So, totally awesome. Any church that offers tacos after its services is already halfway on its way to snagging my membership.

Friday, 12 October 2012

Today I dropped in at Homewood Studios in Minneapolis for the opening night of their “Under the Net” exhibit.

I’ve always been confused about the differences between a regular opening and an “official” or “grand” opening, and today is no different; the exhibit actually opened back on Wednesday, the tenth, but today it was all official and whatnot.

At any rate, my short story “Bad Air” is on display at the exhibit. I never would have thought that a short story could be on display in an art gallery, but here it is. It’s the only short story on display, but there are about half a dozen poems, too, so it’s not the only written piece.

The majority of the pieces are paintings, sculptures, photographies, and stuff that I’ll just call decoupage, because I can’t think of a better name.

I had a good time. There was dinner, drinks, and some great socializing with artsy-types. Many of them are part of the Hamline community, because this event was co-sponoserd by my university. All the pieces (including) mine were on sale, with the proceeds going to benefit anti-malaria efforts.

Above: Here’s my short story, hogging a whopping three frames. Notice the netting strung up – very fitting. I took this photo at such an oblique, badly lit angle because others were standing in front of my work, and I think I might have been violating all sorts of legal and ethical laws by snapping a photo of art hanging up in a gallery. Oh, and my apologies to the artist who’s work appears on the left side of this photo.

This coming Tuesday (the 16th) there will be a reading. I’m reading my short story and others will be reading their poems. Come and join me, if you’d like. Details are here.