So there I was. In my academic advisor’s office. Topless.  It’s a long story.

The next thing I knew, I was taking part in a matriculation ceremony (yeah – “matriculation” – I had to look it up, but now that I know it, I’m gonna throw it around like a know-it-all University student). The President welcomed the class of 2013, then took a moment to look in the direction of the transfer students and added: “And of course, some of you may be graduating even sooner…”  I wanted to raise my hand and point out that some of us might be graduating even later, but it was my first matriculation ceremony and I just wanted to get to the part where they served ice cream.

My advisor asked if I was excited about my major, and I wanted to point out that I should’ve been an astronomy major with a minor in film (does such an academic path even exist?), but that a bizarre cult(ure) got in the way decades ago.

Speaking of that culture…

My sister-in-law shunned me and my wife and son during a chance encounter at the Apple Computer store.  She found herself staring eye-to-eye with my wife (her own sister), then grabbed her husband and bolted out of the store like there was an H1N1 virus in there. ‘Cause, you know, there’s nothing scarier than an ex-Witness getting his laptop fixed.

Then we went to Cedar Lake Speedway to watch the sprintcars and mullet-hunt. The races began with an invocation – I kid you not: a freakin’ invocation – in which Pastor Redneck apologized to god on behalf of our nation since we weren’t “headed the right way”. (How does he know god’s thoughts on the USA? In my world that’s called delusional.) He noted that we were founded as a Christian nation, and, therefore, needed to return to being a Christian nation. I guess having a Christian President, Christian VP, Christian Supreme Court and (nearly) Christian Congress isn’t Christian enough for him. Of course, our nation was also founded on principles of owning black people and disenfranchising women, but maybe he’ll mention that at next week’s invocation. He then went on tell god that we planned to get the ten commandments back in public buildings and prayer back in school. (Since one of the commandments concerns the Sabbath, what were all those rednecks doing at a race so close to sundown on Saturday?) Amen.

I took my son to play in the sandbox at the races. My brother-in-law (who wasn’t above using his Dad’s discount, but would be damned if he was going to sit by us) brought his daughter over, but after making eye contact with me, they split. ‘Cause, you know, there’s nothing scarier than an ex-Witness funelling sand into a toy wheelbarrow with his son.

I got to see my mom’s new place of residence for the first time. It’s a pretty awesome house, really. She’s lived there three months and I finally scored an invite. Of course, my stepdad (whom I’ve met once) was not there. He was, conveniently, away on business. ‘Cause, you know, there’s nothing scarier than an ex-Witness eating spaghetti in your living room.

We went canoeing on Lake Snelling. I want to canoe on a river, instead.

I am through with my guitar classes. I leave the class the same way I entered it: still the worst guiatar player I know (but, as one friend helpfully pointed out, a whole lot better than anyone who’s never bothered to pick up a guitar).

I spent two-and-a-half years at Century College, during which time I dropped out of exactly one class. I’ve spent one week at Hamline, during which time I’ve dropped out of exactly two classes. In discussing my decision regarding the second of those classes with my advisor, I found the ensuing 10 minute conversation to be more fascinating than the class in question.

Sometimes, people say they have no regrets. Today, on the way to work, I heard the song “The City of New Orleans,” by Arlo Guthrie. I used to have the song memorized, as I danced to it with my infant son every night trying to get him to sleep. I was saddened to discover I had forgotten most of the words in the three years since. I really find it grating that my sister-in-law, brother-in-law and stepdad all think their best friend is going to kill my son very very soon and that they are therefore justified in exhibiting unconscionable behavior. I am discovering that there are limits to how hard a person can bite one’s own tongue. When people say they have no regrets I am convinced that they are either supremely forgetful, lying, or have led exceptionally privileged lives.

Sorry for the introspection.

When I found out we’d be moving to the third floor of an apartment building, I decided it wouldn’t be a good idea to bring my bird feeder.  Oh, I like having bird feeders around, but I thought that the bird seed would get all over the neighbors’ decks on the second and first floors.  So I gave my feeder to my sister.  

I wasn’t that sad to see it go, really.  The feeder sometimes went weeks without attracting a single bird and, on the rare occasion I’d see birds fluttering around by it, it turned out to just be a murder of crows (yes, that is what a group of crows is called).  If I couldn’t attract anything more interesting than crows in the small town we lived in, I didn’t think I’d be able to do much better in the city of Mr. Paul.

But last summer, I noticed something.  Well, I noticed lots of things, but the one thing in particular I noticed was that the tenants on the first and second floor both had bird feeders.  “Perfect,” thought I, “If I buy a feeder, not only will my neighbors not mind, bbut I’ll actually be doing them a favor – any food that drops down will increase their ability to attract birds!”

Well, I didn’t get around to buying a feeder until November.  I purchased this nice, homemade wooden number from a craft fair held at my job.  This had numerous advantages: inexpensive, non-plastic, custom-made, and the money went to a good cause (i.e., a co-worker).  I did have to modify it a tad, however, as the sides kept splitting apart from each other, allowing seeds to fall out.  A well-placed screw seems to do the trick.

So, the other day, my wife tells me a woodpecker dined at our feeder.  I had seen this woodpecker once before: last summer he landed on the wooden slats of our deck and began boring his bill into it (bye-bye, damage deposit).  

Today, our friend returned.  The photo shows the brave soul clinging to the feeder as only a woodpecker can do: he is under the impression that he must remain vertical when eating, probably a genetic predisposition born from a long line of tree borers.  

I pulled my trusty Critters of Minnesota off my shelf.  Here’s what I discovered: this is a downy woodpecker (Picoides pubescens).  The showy bit of red on the back of the head indicate that this bird is a male.  He likes to live in wooded areas (we live two blocks away from a huge regional preserve), grows from naked, blind hatchling to full-grown in less than a month and helps his lady companion care for the young.  

Oddly, my book claims these birds grow to a maximum of 6 inches, and I estimate this guy to be about 8 inches.  Minnesota is also home to the pileated woodpecker, but those are much bigger and don’t have the black-and-white patterning on the wings.  So, either this is a pileated in disguise or a larger specimen than any the authors of Critters have ever come across.

According to the printing on the bag of bird seed, the sunflower seeds, cracked corn and suet in the mix all help to attract woodpeckers.  I was unaware that this woodpecker had looked at the printing on this bag, but I guess I learn something new every day.

My goal is to get a better photo (when the windows aren’t fogged and frosted from winter) and some video.  Maybe I’ll get a whole robbery of woodpeckers!  I’ll also leave the wood putty nearby in case the managers do a surprise inspection.

Well, good-bye 2008.

GOALS:
I’m happy to say I met some of my goals for the year, including: read Tom Sawyer; read Huckleberry Finn; run in a race; continue learning guitar; and finish the first draft of my book. Some goals, I didn’t make at all, such as: learn to yo-yo; brush up on my German; and edit our wedding video. Oh well.

One of the goals I listed for the year was: Create at least one new film. I’m happy to say I made TEN new films in 2008, and with two films from the year still needing to be edited, that number could bump up as high as 12. So, totally kicked ass at that goal.

I also had a goal of writing for a newsletter/magazine. I met this goal in April, when I wrote a short article for Minnesota Atheist Newsletter about an upcoming speaker. But I did even better when I wrote a review of the film WALL-E (see below), an essay on the definition of “atheism” and two on-line articles:one about Christmas and one discussing the Catholic Church’s forgiveness of John Lennon. That Christmas article was also accepted for posting at the Rake and Memoirs of a Godless Heathen. My definition of atheism essay was also published in the PIQUE (a secular humanist newsletter based in New York). I hope to do better with my writing in 2009. Things are looking promising. Century College accepted an essay I wrote to be published in their book Breathing In this spring.

8 GREAT DAYS IN 2008:
March 22nd – Attended “American Atheists Convention” in Minneapolis with my friend Ryan. Got to meet Dr. Krauss, bought some awesome books, a fun t-shirt & Ryan introduced me to Baja Sol (a great Mexican fast food place). Also, it was nice to hear some mentally-stimulating talks for once.

May 14th – Jennifer and I celebrated Owen’s birthday with him by taking him to Nickelodeon Universe, Underwater Adventures and the Rainforest Café. A nice break in the middle of the week.

May 18th – Heard Grant Steves speak on cults, then hurried back home for Owen’s birthday party.

August 14th – Owen and I checked out the Twin Cities’ Railroad Train Museum, had lunch at Jimmy Johns, visited the library & hung out at a park we’d never been to…just for the heck of it. Another weekday well spent. Bonus: Owen fell asleep fast and easy that night.

August 25th – Jennifer and I visited Fort Snelling along with her immediate family. Got in for free, there were no crowds and we had a fun time. Afterwards, Jennifer’s parents treated us to dinner for our anniversary.

September 21st – A free day at Valleyfair thanks to my place of employment. The day was made even better spending it with two old friends and one new friend.

December 21st – Jennifer, Owen and I froze our asses off at Murphy’s Landing. A very cultural and appropriate (considering the season) activity. Bundled up under blankets with hot tea and cocoa when we got home.

December 25th – Happy Birthday, baby Jesus! The three of us traded gifts with each other, then drove to Jennifer’s parents’ house for more holiday fun, then off to her Uncle and Aunt’s place where the whole family celebrated. I played Wii, board games, the dice game, ate, drank & made eye contact with my wife everytime someone said something “Catholic”.

ONE LOUSY DAY IN 2008:
Okay, there were many, including my recent two hour+15 minute commute home. But the booby prize has to go to…
March 7th – Yeah, I was happy to be leaving Big Lake, but not happy to wake up the sickest I was all year. I felt like passing out on the table during closing, and especially enjoyed learning the man buying the house was a curmudgeon, then used what little strength I had to finish packing, then had to go pick up a moving truck (did I mention it was below zero?). I didn’t even have the strength to pull the ramp out of the truck I was so sick. Jennifer’s sister helped, but this meant I had to watch two toddlers. We had less help than we predicted, so it took a long time to load the truck. In the cold darkness, I nervously drove the big truck an hour away, with Jennifer driving behind, calling me to let me know when it was safe to change lanes. Her parents met us at the aparment long after their bedtime, and we unloaded the truck. Finally, at 11:00, I had to drive the truck an hour back to Big Lake. It was so cold, my frozen hands couldn’t locate where to plug in the truck, so I had to set my alarm for every two hours that night. I’d get up, don my coat and boots over my pajamas, then go sit in the truck for 15 minutes while it idled. A bad, bad day.

CINEMATIC EXPERIENCES:
I saw six films at the theater in 2008 (okay, I actually saw seven – but I’m excluding Sweeney Todd as it was from 2007): 2 animated, 2 documentaries, 2 big-budget blockbusters. I’m happy to report they were all well worth the money (particularly The Dark Knight, which my friend Ryan paid for). Allow me to detail…

U2:3D – Holy cow! This documentary didn’t let up. I was actually hoping for it to chill out for a few minutes just so my heart rate would stop. I saw this at the iMax, which undoubtedly helped. Still, sweet footage, first-rate music. A

Horton Hears a Who – For the first time in nearly two years, my son joined my wife and I at the theater. I am pleased to report that he enjoyed himself to remain seated through the entire showing. A good movie based on a great book – way better than the film version of The Grinch. B+

Indiana Jones and the Obnoxiously Long Title – Decent fourth (but woefully delayed) outing in a great series. Better than Temple of Doom, not as good as Raiders or Last Crusade. Probably the worst of the six films I’m listing here, but still, worth a look. B

WALL-E – The best Pixar film ever (and that’s saying something), WALL-E was so fraught with cinematic bliss I didn’t even have time to realize how much it made me think until it was over. Unique among the films I saw at the theater in 2008, WALL-E was promptly added to my list of 50 best motion pictures of all time (Sorry, Rebecca, you’ve dropped off the list, but I still have a place in my heart for you). A+

The Dark Knight – Another outing at the iMax, Dark Knight was the best Batman film ever (though that’s not saying much). I jumped, I gasped, I gripped the armrest, I wondered why in hell they bothered with the two-face storyline. B

Religulous – Bill Maher is so full of himself, I thought I was watching Michael Moore at times. Regardless, Maher humorously made some excellent (and, at times, uncomfortable) points, culminating in his 10 minute Armageddon-back-dropped tirade against religion. Though I suspect he’s just preaching to the choir (pun intended), any movie that exposes religion as the pernicious fairy-tale that it is is alright in my book. B+

Of course, not every movie I saw this year was at the theater. The best film we rented was United 93, which, I think, is not only the first time I viewed a drama based on a historical event that happened in my lifetime (I’m just a tad too young for All the President’s Men to fit that bill), but also blurred the line between fiction and non-fiction. I had to make room for this amazing film on my top 50 list (Sorry, Mary Poppins, guess you’re not practically perfect in every way).

The worst film I saw this year was Umberto D, which is one of those films that film snobs watch so they can maintain their snobbiness. It was long, depressing and pointless. Oh – I guess I should mention Casper: A Spirited Beginning, which was so god-awful (pun intended) that my wife and I couldn’t even finish it.

LANGUAGE:
2008’s word of the year: GEOCACHING.