Wednesday, 08 September 2010

A couple of years ago, one of my co-workers went on a vacation to Europe. On the day he returned to work, there happened to be a planned outing with our department. Specifically, we went on a company-paid outing to a St. Paul Saints game. During the game, I turned around and said to my co-worker (who was sitting in the row behind me): “You picked the perfect day to come back to work.”

And, guess what? Today, I picked the perfect day to return to work, too. It wasn’t intentional; I planned to take off six weeks and today happens to be the day Isla turns six weeks old. I didn’t even know that today was going to be the perfect day to return until about three weeks ago.

See, one day, in mid-August, I checked my work email. I checked it a few times while on leave and, on that particular day, there was an email reminding everyone about a group outing scheduled for September 8^th.

So, today, I showed up at work for the first time in six weeks. I arrived at 8:15 and, at 11:30, I left to go to Fish Lake Park. For the next four hours, I ate, drank, and played volleyball and Apples To Apples. While playing volleyball, I accidentally launched the ball into my manager’s gut, who reminded me to be careful since it’s my first day back. I’m hoping he was just joking around.

Thursday, 09 September 2010

I spent my first “lunchbreak” finishing up my presentation for Saturday. In case you don’t know, I’ve been invited to speak at the Maple Gove Critical Thinkers’ Club this weekend.

My presentation will be four parts:

1 – The history and evolution of Jehovah’s Witnesses

2 – My story as a Jehovah’s Witness

3 – Why I left the religion

4 – Atheism

Yeah, that last one doesn’t really fit with the other three..so I’m just gonna spend about 2 minutes on that. In fact, I think I’m only gonna spend about 2 minutes on the first part, too. Because, of course, since I was raised as a Witness, I have no idea how the movement started. I’ll mention something about New York’s 19^th-Century Burned Over District, then move on to Russell’s move to Brooklyn, then Rutherford’s strong-arming, and probably end with “yeah, so, now there’s 7 million active Witnesses, and another 7 million who are too smart to go door-to-door.”

The president of the club says they’ll likely only be about 15 people in attendance, including a Scientologist, a Professor of Religious History, a psychiatrist who has worked with former cult members, and a former Mormon. Oh, goodie! I’m sure I’ll be roasted alive.

Friday, 10 September 2010

Well, it’s been a long week of work, what with not working on Monday or Tuesday at all, getting paid to go on a picnic on Wednesday and then – pow! – two grueling days of work (in a row!) on Thursday and Friday.

I think my workday really peaked when a co-worker sent me this link:

Yeah, that was probably the best five minutes of my workday.

I’m gonna have to remember to add that quote to my list of favorites: “In the middle of opportunity…excuse me.” Brilliant!

Despite it’s immense humor content, I want to mention a couple of more serious things about this video:

1)    Many of the commenters for this video feel that this is a perfect example of the Republican Party: How it uses fear and emotion to win votes instead of appealing to logic. Well, yes, this man doesn’t exactly shatter any stereotypes I have about Republicans, but here’s the tidbit in their favor: they didn’t give this man their enorsement. Yeah, that’s right, he wanted to be the Republican nominee for treasurer in Stark County, Ohio, but the Republcans who voted in that primary picked someone else. So…good for you Republican voters: thanks for weeding out the really terrible people.

2)    Some seem to doubt that his degree in communication is for real. Others wonder what sort of wacky college conferred such a degree upon this loony. My take is this: I doubt he was lying; I really believe that he DOES have a degree in communications. It seems odd, I know. But I’ve known plenty of excellent communicators with no degree whatsoever, and plenty of lousy communicators with degrees. I think the same could be said for just about any field of study, too.

Man, I’m spent now. Good thing I have a three-day weekend coming up

Tuesday, 07 September 2010

The arrival of September seems like such a transitional time in the year. With apologies to the equinox, summer is over. The weather this year changed on September 2^nd and it’s felt like fall ever since.

For many years of my life, September’s arrival was the arrival of a school year – elementary, high school, college. For several other years in my life, when I was doing volunteer work for the Watchtower Society, September was the start of a new service year, which meant the clocks were reset on achieving the 1,000-hour goal.

Another year, Jennifer and I were married in late August, so the beginning of September (when we finished our honeymoon), was the start of married life. And, back in 2002, I began a new job in early September.

So, here I am. It’s September. It’s fall. Owen is less than a week away from beginning Kindergarten and I am less than 24 hours away from going back to work.

August of 2010 will forever be held dear in my heart. It marked the first month, since I before I was 19 years old, that I did not work a single day. Ah…how nice is that? Not only that, but I still got paid for every single weekday. Yes sir, twenty-two weekdays in August, and I got paid for each and every one of them. This has not happened before in my adult life – not even when I had my wisdom teeth removed, not even when I got married, not even when in college, or when moving, or when Jennifer and I went on a two-week vacation; heck, it didn’t even happen when Owen was born.

And, sadly, it’s not likely to happen again. I mean, unless we have another baby and that baby happens to be born at the very beginning or end of one month AND I’m gainfully employed with a company that allows me to accrue such decent benefits AND I haven’t used up too much of those benefits by that point in the calendar year AND my wife and I feel that so much time off of work is warranted AND financially feasible.

Here, as the sun sets on my paternity leave, I must say – I’m grateful for this time that I’ve had off of work; I know many new Dads who were unable to take off so much time. I promised Owen we’d do many things together, and we did: Children’s Museum, zoo, Train Museum, Electricity Museum, lunch at Jimmy John’s, playgrounds, and walks. I even promised him we’d go golfing – something I finally made good on this evening.

When I returned to work three weeks after Owen’s birth, it seemed too soon. Jennifer also felt like she was expected to return to normal life too soon. So I’m glad I had twice that long this time. We dragged out our return to normal life for as long as possible; Jennifer laid in bed for ten days, our friends and family came in turns that took longer, and the meals people brought for us lasted longer. And even though I’m returning to work tomorrow, this still isn’t the end of the babymoon – there’s still one more appointment with the midwives, and a “welcome the babies party” (for Isla and her new cousin) is coming up later this month.

At any rate, I’m done being a postpartum midhusband. It’s not that I disliked the job, it’s just that the pay was so horrible. Tomorrow it’s back to my old job where the pay is…not so horrible.

Monday, 06 September 2010

Instead of talking about something I DID do today, I’m gonna first talk about something I DIDN’T do: I didn’t go to the State Fair today. In fact, I didn’t go to the Great Minnesota Get Together at any point during the last ten days when it’s been open.

And that’s just fine with me. When I was a teenager, there was a certain fun to going to the Fair, as I went with groups of friends and we all just sort of hung out there together. But, as an adult, I’ve found it half boring, half annoying.

I’ve often said to my wife that the State Fair is just like going to a mall, only worse. For one thing, admission to a mall is free. Parking at most malls is, sometimes frustrating, but again, free and within the realm of possibility. With the Fair, the logistics of simply arriving are an (unwelcome) adventure in themselves. It seems every year Jennifer and I try to find some better way to arrive at the fair: park far and walk, take a bus, go with our friends who work nearby and can park at their job…

Another thing: if you show even the slightest interest in any booth, or even if you just walk by, the fair hucksters harass you. This happens a lot less frequently at malls, and even then, you can usually just avoid the stores with the most annoying employees (aka: Jewelry stores). If you are genuinely interested in something, the booth is just a stripped down version of a superior store that exists at your local (free) mall. And if no such store exists, your better off waiting until a specialized fair comes to town. For example, if you like all the cars on display at the fair, just wait until March, and go to the auto show that will be arriving on the same grounds. If you like the environmental stuff at the fair, just go to the Living Green Expo, which comes around every May to the same spot, but with no admission fee and free parking!

Worst, though, is the food. If you like a variety of food at reasonable costs, I suggest the Mall of America. If you like less options for ridiculous prices, then go to the Fair.

Also today, I put gas in Cavalier for the first time since July 26^th. That’s 43 days! And back on the 26^th of July, I only put in half a tank. During my time off of work to be with my new baby, there have only been six days that I’ve turned on the car and driven somewhere. Back on August 9^th, I took Owen to his Little Engineers class, and another day I took him to a doctor’s appointment. Sometimes, the trek has been quite short: A couple of weeks ago, I took the car to Mississippi Market and back (total distance: 1 mile); and yesterday, I drove to Papa John’s and back (total distance: 2 miles).

Jennifer and I purchased the Cavalier in August of 2000. It was the newest, nicest car we’d ever bought and, even to this day, it’s the most expensive car we ever bought. Jennifer said: this car better last us ten years if we’re gonna get our money’s worth.

It has.

Friday, 03 September 2010

Following a 14-year tradition, my mom took Jennifer and I out for dinner this evening for our anniversary. It’s been 10 days since our anniversary, but my mom, to her credit, purposely does not bother us during the few days surrounding our anniversary, as she figures we might be doing something special (often we are). Also, she wasn’t even in town until two days ago, so she couldn’t have done this much sooner anyways.

I noticed that these mom-sponsored meals are probably getting more expensive for her, even taking inflation into account. For our first couple of anniversaries, my parents were still married, and so they took us out together. Once they parted ways, my mom continued to take us out for dinner on her own bank account. For the last few years, she’s had to pay for Owen, too, and soon Isla will be ordering food, too.

We ate at T.G.I. Friday (Thank Ganesha It’s Friday). I ordered a salad and a side of mashed potatoes. I really was in the mood for a baked potato but – get this – Fridays does not have baked potatoes. Hm. That’s weird. I mean, they have fries and mashed potatoes, so why can’t they just bake one of those potatoes instead of just frying or mashing it? I suppose they probably get their potatoes pre-fried and mashed.

Saturday, 04 September 2010

Today was taken up largely with the wedding of a co-worker. I’m sorry to report that I did not officiate this wedding, but happy to report that I did not videotape it, either.

This was the second Catholic wedding I’ve attended. Like the first, it lasted about an hour. Despite its length, however, it would appear the typical Catholic wedding has about as much practical content as the 10-minute wedding that I performed back in July. I’m not saying that to take a slam on Catholics, I’m saying it because, and I think all those Pope-lovers will agree with me, there’s an awful lot of pomp and tradition in there.

There were several readings from scriptures, for one thing. The first one, from the book of Tobit, was at least pretty and poetic. The others, including one from Romans, were only marginally applicable to marriage. There were a couple of songs in there, and a candle was lit. The biggest time consumer, however, was when the high priest alternated between English and Pig Latin and between normal voice and theatrical voice. He performed a magic show, in which he turned wine into blood, then he invited people from the audience to come and drink it. I think he passed out Cheez-its, too.

Mercifully, the priest didn’t crack any jokes about the length of the ceremony. However, he did say that many couples, when reflecting on their wedding day, will note that they remember precious little about the ceremony. My guess is that the reason for this is that Catholic weddings, like Witness weddings, are merely carbon copies of each other and so, after years of attending so many such ceremonies, one’s own tends to blend in with all the others.

All in all, here’s how the wedding broke down:

Traditional and ceremonial stuff (that had no relevance to the marriage): 35 minutes

Pretty stuff (that made the ceremony classy/special): 15 minutes

Advice and practical words for the new couple: 8 minutes

Legal procedures (done to ensure the marriage was legit): 2 minutes

And here’s how the wedding I performed broke down:

Traditional and ceremonial stuff (that had no relevance to the marriage): 0 minutes

Pretty stuff (that made the ceremony classy/special): 2 minutes

Advice and practical words for the new couple: 6 minutes

Legal procedures (done to ensure the marriage was legit): 2 minutes

Sunday, 05 September 2010

We’ve had a string of very full days lately. For the first few weeks following Isla’s birth, there were many days where we didn’t even leave the house. Then there were several days of doing just one thing (like grocery shopping, or bringing Owen on a playdate with his preschool buddies). But during the past week, we’ve had lots of stuff everyday: doctor’s appointment, my mom in town, getting our haircut, a wedding, and other random things.

Today we first had to drive up to Jennifer’s parents’ house to pick up our son. He slept over there last night while we partied the night away at a wedding reception. Then Isla had some more visitors this evening. Well, they came to visit all of us, I think, but the main reason was to see the new baby. Owen received the Rock ‘Em Sock ‘Em Robots game, which is sure to be a hit (pun intended) as it combines his love or robots and games with his love of making noise.

Tonight, I suggested we watch a movie (our latest Netflix), but Jennifer said she was too tired. Owen watched a documentary on Volcanoes, and then we turned in for the night.

Wednesday, 01 September 2010

Tonight, for the first time in over six years, there will be five people sleeping in my home. The last time this happened (in July 2004), we had a family of three visiting us from Deutschland. This time, our visitor is only one person, but since we are up to four people in our immediate family, it doesn’t take much to bring the tally up to five.

Our fifth (temporary) resident is my mom, on loan from the Centennial State. I’m glad she was able to come here and visit so soon after Isla’s birth, especially as I’m not back at work yet. Her arrival means that Isla has now met all of her grandparents – something I didn’t think would happen for many, many months.

I went to pick my mom up at the airport today, a task I handled with my usual aplomb persona. Just kidding. Actually, the craziness of the streets at the airport, coupled with being on my phone, my son talking to me from the back seat, and turning down the radio, all conspired to ensure I missed the sign that said “Speed Limit 15,” a little thing the policewoman was more than happy to point out to me.

Getting pulled over by the cops is on my long list of things I get unduly nervous about. Actually, another item high on that list is airplanes. And another item on that list is getting lost while driving. So…maybe I’m not the best choice to pick people up from the airport.

Really, though, you can’t get lost at the St. Paul/Minneapolis airport, because there are only two routes you can take: one takes you to an upper level where you get rid of people, another route takes you to a lower level where you welcome them back. For some reason, I always panic and mix these two up. Thankfully, the airport has helpfully provided a road that serves no purpose other than to take you out about 1/2 a mile, turn you around, and let you have another go at it. When my German friends came for a visit, I  managed to take the correct route but, alas, they weren’t standing there waiting for me. Since there’s no place to park, and since you can’t stop (!), you are forced to circle around again, something I had to do 9 times that day. And even when you do successfully meet up with your visitors, you can’t leave your car. And to the cops, “leaving your car” means not sitting in the driver’s seat, something my mom once discovered when she got out to help my dad load his luggage into the trunk. They’re divorced now.

Yeah, so, anyways, if you have to go to the airport to pick up someone: stay on the lower level, drive super slow, keep circling around until you see them, and then don’t get out of the car to greet or help them.

Thursday, 02 September 2010

This evening, Jennifer and I happened to be in that part of St. Paul where she grew up, so we did the obligatory drive-past-the-memories routine. We drove past her old Kingdom Hall, her old neighborhood, and even her old house. We also stopped by Creamy Cone, a tiny little eating establishment about four blocks from where Jennifer grew up. Even though I spent two years driving past that tiny place back when I was courting my bride-to-be, and even though I lived just a couple of miles away for a few months, I don’t think I’d ever stopped there before.

We parked, walked up to the counter (that’s all there is – a counter – there’s no indoor dining) and each ordered a flurry. Then we sat at one of the benches enjoying our desserts and (in Isla’s case) breast milk.

While sitting there, a van pulled up, two women got out, and they began trying to roll up the driver’s side window. It wasn’t working, so the began physically pulling on the window to make it go up. One of the women looked at me and said: “Can you help us?” I probably should’ve offered my services sooner, but I’m more the type of person who stares, slack-jawed, at other people’s problems rather than offering any tangible help. So I walked over and, using these hefty pipes I call ‘biceps’, managed to get the window up in no time. One of the women asked she owed me any money (I said no), and the other women gave me a high-five and said “Praise the Lord!” I don’t know why she thought my name was Lord but, no matter.

Anyway, if you ever find yourself on Dale Street in the North End of St. Paul, stop at Creamy Cone. It’s a good thing.