This week marks ten years since Jennifer and I left the Jehovah Witness religion. Of course, they would insist that their religion be called “Jehovah‘s Witnesses” and they wouldn’t like my use of the word “birthday,” claiming that “anniversary” is a better term in this case anyway. But fuck them.

Part of me thinks it’s hard to believe 10 years have gone by, but I suppose in looking at the changes since then, ten years seems right. At that time – back in 2006 – we owned a home in Big Lake and we had one child. Now we own a home in St. Paul, and we have three kids. And though I still work for the same company, I now work in a different department and have been promoted to a different job.

In the interim, I’m so glad to have had so much more time for things that really matter – leaving the religion has easily freed up an average of ten hours a week, which is sort of like getting an extra day every week! It’s meant more time to be with each other, and our kids, and to work on our house or at our jobs, and more time to just have fun.

Witnesses frequently pride themselves in how busy they are. They somehow make a connection that being busy equates to pleasing God. At the same time, they also point out how wonderful it is that they are “free” from all the stresses of non-Witnesses. They note that non-Witnesses are often busy with work, school, holidays, and other pursuits – and isn’t it great that we, as Witnesses, have “freedom” from those vain time-consumers? Several talks I heard while I was a Witness made mention of Witnesses’ freedom…

* from health-damaging habits (notably tattoos, smoking, and overdrinking – but also homosexuality and premarital sex, which can lead to AIDS and unwanted pregnancies, respectively)

*from money- and time-wasting ventures (notably gambling, but also over-indulgence in entertainment and holidays)

*from faith-weakening texts (notably books by former Witnesses and movies steeped in the supernatural)

*from mind-muddying studies (notably philosophy and biology)

Of course, what Witnesses are leaving out, and what I noticed even back when I was a teenager and a devout Witness, is that people don’t automatically do those things just because they are not Witnesses. And even if they do participate in one or more of these activities, they’re not necessarily indulging to the point of hazard. Really, then, what Witnesses term “freedom” is just forced obedience. Most rational people can see the health benefits in not smoking, for example, but for Witnesses, the choice is already made for them.

So, in the decade since leaving Witness-dom, I’ve noticed that they are right: many of the activities Witnesses forcibly avoid are unappealing or do cause stress. I’ve tried a few cigarettes and I’ve gambled at casinos…and they’re not for me.

Meanwhile, I really don’t care about most holidays. New Year’s Day, Valentine’s Day, Father’s Day, and Independence Day can all just come and go for all I care. In fact, the only participation I do engage in with those holidays is due to my children – when Isla brought home construction paper cut-outs of hearts for Valentine’s Day, I thanked her and decorated with them. Birthdays, Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas, meanwhile, are more to my liking. But they are stressful, and I do spend a lot of time and energy preparing for and worrying about them.

With all the pros and cons of participating in all the activities that Witnesses won’t touch with a 144,000-foot pole, here’s the key difference: They’re not allowed. Doing any of the above things without remorse is enough to get a member evicted from the congregation. So, yeah, even though I don’t care for tattoos, cigarettes, or Valentine’s Day, I’m way happier living in a world where I can make those decisions myself. It’s also wonderful to not have to look down on others because they have chosen something different.

A few months after we left the Witnesses, Jennifer and I thought about which of our friends would be most likely to leave the religion. Of course, we wanted nearly all the Witnesses we knew to leave the religion. But we knew many of them never would. We also knew that many of them, even if they did leave, wouldn’t make much of a difference in our lives. Instead, we thought about who was most likely to leave, who would benefit the most from leaving, and whose exit from the Watchtower would cause us the most happiness.

We made a Top Ten list.

After ten years, I’m happy to report we were half right – 50% of the people on our list have subsequently left the religion.

Here’s to another ten years in the world and the hope that those other five friends leave!*

*Not that it would matter that much. Jennifer and I have observed that the religion bound us to people we might not otherwise have been compatible with. So, if they ever leave, maybe we’d just discover we don’t have much in common with them. We’ve also noticed that most of our friends who leave the religion contact us to catch up on old times, then quickly find a new circle of friends.

This past weekend, Owen and I went to the theater to see X-Men: Apocalypse at Carmike Cinema in Oakdale. The “showtime” was 7:10. When I purchased the tickets at 7:00, the employee at the box office informed me that I was plenty early since the film didn’t actually start until after 7:30. You know there’s gonna be a lot of ads when employees have taken to warning patrons about the wait!

So Owen and I first peeked into the theater and, seeing plenty of open seats, we decided to walk around a bit and see what else was playing. With 16 screens pretty much everything you’d want to see was there: both sequels and remakes!

But wanting to get a good seat, after about 5 minutes we moseyed back into the theater and took our place. I let Owen pick the seats. Then I sat down to watch the movie.

But before the movie started we were first treated to…
-A Netflix ad
-A hotels.com ad
-An informative segment telling us to locate the exits
-An ad for Ice Age 12: Even crappier than the other 11
-A trailer for Jason Bourne 12
-An American Express commercial, in which Tina Fey impulse buys thousands of dollars at a fitness store, to show that she’s just like a regular person
-An ad for The Runner
-An ad for King of Queens 2: Kevin Can Wait
-An ad for Extra Gum
-An ad inviting us if we’d like to meet new people and kill them (aka, “The Air Force”)
-A Taco Bell ad that’s somehow supposed to entice us with a steak taco for $1.49
-A commercial for Starburst
-An ad for No Man Left Behind
-A State Farm ad in which a kid is riding his bike down the street and, when he lets go of the handlebars, there’s a disclaimer at the bottom that says – I kid you not –  “do not attempt.”
-An ad for Mazda
-An ad for Verizon
-An ad for Geico
-An ad about the ads (which they call “Front + Center”)
-An ad for Chevy
-A reminder to find the exits, which was completely unnecessary since that’s all I’d been thinking about since the last exits reminder
-An ad reminding us that, while talking on our phones during a movie is obnoxious, using our phones to take pictures of the movie is illegal. Because even though talking in a movie is a bigger offense to most people, photographing the screen is a bigger offense to really rich people.
-An ad for Carmike Cinema…the very theater I was sitting in
-Another ad for Ice Age 12: The Squirrel and the Nut is Still Stupid
-An ad for The Secret Life of Pets (think Toy Story meets Bolt)
-An ad for The Suicide Squad
-Another ad for Jason Bourne
-An ad for Star Trek: The Search for Original Scripts
-An ad for Ghostbusters: Original, Evidently, Because Women
-An ad for Coca-Cola set to Queen’s “Under Pressure”
-An ad for Vitamin Water
-An ad for Carmike Cinema…the very cinema I have, by now, sworn to never attend again
-An ad for Coca-Cola which, I’m sure, raised the audience’s awareness of Coca-Cola by 0%
-And an blurb from the actress who plays Storm, telling us that lots of people are required to make movies.
…The movie probably started sometime after that, but it was getting late so we had to leave.

Just kidding. The flick finally commenced at 7:32. Or, at least, the Twentieth-Century Fox logo and an assortment of other financial contributors’ logos commenced.

I’m happy to announce that I am now a Return Visit! In case that makes no sense to you whatsoever, first, consider yourself lucky and, second, it’s a Jehovah’s Witness term. Basically, when Witnesses talk to people at their doors, if that person shows any interest in their message – and especially if that person agrees to take their publications – then the Witnesses write down the person’s name, address, and stuff like that, and then they come back a week or so later to talk again.

This particular man has actually stopped by at least twice since I first took his copy of The Watchtower but, both times, I was not home. Yesterday (Sunday morning), however, I was home. He was with another Witness and the three of us talked for about a half hour while Emmett played in the yard.

First, they handed me this magazine…

…then, they asked if I thought the bible was “just a good book.” I said no. Then he said, “Oh, so you think it’s more than just a good book?” Then I said, “No, I don’t even think it’s a good book.”

They asked why, and I listed off a lot of things – there are some very boring chunks, lots of it makes no sense, it contradicts itself in hundreds of places – but we ended up talking about one specific thing I don’t like about the bible: it contains lots of abhorrent violence.

The Witness told me that those disgusting acts of violence are in the bible to demonstrate how far humans have fallen from God. Then I corrected him and said, “No, I don’t mean the violence that humans just do to each other, I mean the violence – the rapes and murders – that God sanctions in the bible.”

At first, they didn’t really know what I meant, which makes me wonder if they’ve ever read the bible. They asked if I had anything specific in mind, so I mentioned both the Noachian Deluge and the wholesale destruction of the city of Sodom. I also mentioned the genocide in Canaan and the subjugation of women prisoners by “God’s People.”

Oddly, after listing off a few things, the other Witness opened her bible and red Isaiah 55:11, which says that God’s thoughts are higher than our thoughts, and so we don’t know the whole story. Then the man asked, “Don’t you think having a righteous, just ruler over all humanity is the best form of government?” I said, “No, I think the best form of government is that which allows all citizens to effect change, if that’s what they think is necessary.” I don’t think they really understood my answer, but then pointed out that the bible is really filled with lots of good things that help us appreciate the Creator. Then they mentioned sunsets and puppies as two things that show how beautiful and loving God is.

This was a really weird line of ‘reasoning,’ and I conceded that there are good things in the bible, and there is much beauty in the world. Nevertheless, I compared the god of the bible to several historical figures – I named off Thomas Jefferson, Mohandas Gandhi, and Martin Luther King – as three people that undoubtedly did much good for the world, but were also so deeply flawed that I could write a 20-page paper just touching on things wherein I disagree with them. “Jefferson was far, far from perfect,” I said, “And so, even though I like a lot of his ideas, I could never worship him. It’s the same thing with the god of the bible. Even if we agree – for argument’s sake – that He does exist and the He has done good things, I could never love – much less worship! – Him.”

On the topic of creation, I told them they were being selective in their evidence. I said that if we look at puppies as a way to inform us about the Creator, we must also look at the ichneumon fly, which lays its eggs in the brains of other insects. Then, when those eggs hatch, the larvae eat their host from the inside out, careful to keep it alive as long as possible while it suffers a slow, paralytic death. Then I asked: “What does that tell you about the Creator?” Then, before they could answer, I added, “Then there’s also the mosquitoes who spread disease, animals that hunt other animals, and even some animals that kill and eat their own young.”

The woman then shared a scripture with me saying that, with God, all things are good. I started to say that using the New Testament to prove the Old Testament is a bit like using Empire Strikes Back to prove Return of the Jedi, but the man stepped in and told me that, ever since humans sinned, the world has spun out of control. “God is letting people do what they want to show how much they need God,” he said. He then noted that we have no way of knowing how this affects the animals. For example, since we hunt them, they need to defend themselves.

So I scrapped my Star Wars analogy and instead just stared at them for a few seconds. “Wait,” I said, “I’m not sure I follow you. You’re saying that because Adam and Eve sinned, that’s why some insects lay eggs inside the brains of other insects?”

“Possibly,” he said. “We just don’t know. We have to wait on Jehovah.”

“Okay,” I said, “I can understand that, if Adam and Eve didn’t want God, that God would say, ‘All right, just do what you want then,’ and that’s why we have murder and rape and war and pollution and child abuse…but I’m not sure I follow you that, because Adam and Eve sinned, we now have animals doing terrible things to each other. And what about earthquakes and volcanoes and tsunamis? Why are there birth defects? Why cancer?”

“Well, a number of those things are caused by humans. Like birth defects can be caused by leading an unhealthy lifestyle.”

“Yeah, but that only explains some of them. A lot are simply random. And, anyway, what about the other stuff?”

“Humans cause all that stuff.”

“Wait, what? What do humans do that cause earthquakes?”

He then spoke for about two minutes straight about how we don’t know what some corporations are doing. Some pollute the earth, clearly, and this leads to global warming – man’s fault, not God’s. I asked if they understood the difference between human-caused suffering (eg, rape) and randomly bad things that happen because we live in an environment almost completely hostile to us (eg, volcanoes). “Corporations,” he said.

“What possible corporation in ancient Egypt, 3,000 years ago, did something to the Earth that caused volcanoes?”

He said he didn’t know. We’d have to wait to find out.

“Maybe,” I said, giving them a huge benefit of doubt. “But in the meantime, why would I be drawn to worship someone who causes such things.”

They said God doesn’t cause those things, humans do.

“No,” I said, “I don’t see how humans caused floods and hurricanes and earthquakes – especially prior to the modern era.”

At about this time, a car pulled up and parked right in front of my yard. An older man got out and came over to us. I recognized him as the father-in-law of one of my (former) best friends and the sight of him made me nervous! I thought for sure he was going to pipe up and say, “This is James Zimmerman, he’s an apostate, let’s go.” But instead, he didn’t recognize me at all, and simply did the ol’ point-to-you-watch gesture to indicate they had to get going. I looked over at the car and saw three other Witnesses sitting in the back seat, but I couldn’t see well enough to identify anything about them.

Anyway, the man then said the bible speaks about an increase of earthquakes in the time of the end, which conveys exactly zero relevant information, but I followed that up with: “So then God is making those earthquakes, right? I mean, he knew they would happen – at least, if we agree that your bible is accurate – and he supposedly has the power to stop them. Yet he doesn’t. And innocent people die. Because God murdered them. Including babies.”

The women then said God only kills wicked people.

“No, that’s not true,” I said. “God killed almost every human on the planet in the time of the Great Flood, including children, babies, and fetuses. What did they do wrong?”

The woman then said that they could see I was a family man. She asked what my role in the family was. Then she asked if there were certain rules in our house, and if there are ramifications – discipline – for breaking the rules.

“Okay, I said, then let me ask you this: What possible rule could I have that, if my son (I pointed to Emmett) broke the rule, I would be justified in drowning him?”

The man said nothing, he just stared with his mouth agape. But the woman pointed out that I am responsible for my children, just as the adults in Noah’s day were responsible for their children. “And they chose not to get into the ark,” she said.

“Okay, then let me rephrase: What possible law could I break – against the State of Minnesota of the United States – that the government would be justified in drowning both me and my children?”

“Well,” said the man, jutting out his hand, “It’s been real nice talking to you. We appreciate you sharing your thoughts with us on this fine day, but we have to get going.”

I shook his hand.

Not sure if he’ll be back next week.

Today marks my 11th Leap Day.

For the first time since the 1980s, this is the second Leap Day in a row that I’ve lived in the same house, which I think is a pretty good achievement. If I’m still living in the same house when the next Leap Day arrives (Feb. 29th, 2020) – and I intend to – I’ll have already set a record for longest time living in the same house.

Today also marks the 5th anniversary of my engagement to Jennifer, which is odd because we’ve been married for 19 years.

Anyway, I thought I’d take this opportunity to note where I was in life during each of my 11 Leap Days…

1976: Okay, I obviously don’t recall anything about 1976, much less Leap Day itself. But I can tell you I was just a few months old and living in a mobile home in Burnsville.

1980: At this time, I was a soon-to-be preschooler. Still living in the same mobile home in Burnsville. My mom was pregnant with my sister.

1984: In 1984, I was a student at Savage Elementary School, which wasn’t nearly as brutal as its name implies. Still living in Burnsville, and still in a mobile home, but a different one than last time.

1988: For the second Leap Day in a row, I was still living in the same mobile home. This marked my fourth and final Leap Day living in Camelot Acres Mobile Home Park. In 1988, I was a teenager attending junior high school or, as I like to call it, the nadir of my education.

1992: Lots of changes here. My family and I now lived in Lakeville, and I was attending Rosemount High School, a school barely saved from being the worst school I ever attended by virtue of being slightly better than my junior high school. I was employed at my first job, a book shelver at the Galaxie Library in Apple Valley.

1996: This is the day Jennifer and I got engaged. I was living in a duplex in St. Paul with two roommates while working at Lenscrafters at the Mall of America in Bloomington.

2000: My first Leap Day as a married man, Jennifer and I were living in a one-bedroom apartment in Apple Valley. I still worked at Lenscrafters, but by this time I was working at their Burnsville location. I was also a college man at this time, about a month-and-a-half into my time at Century College working on an Associate’s Degree.

2004: Jennifer and I were still in Apple Valley, but now we were living with our two cats in a small townhome that we owned. I was employed at Part Three Analytical in Oakdale, but later in the week, I put in my notice that I’d be quitting in mid-March. On this day, we watched the 76th Academy Awards with a couple of friends who, at first, didn’t understand how it could only be the second anniversary of our engagement.

2008: By 2008, Jennifer and I were parents, so on our ninth Leap Day, two-and-a-half-year-old Owen was experiencing his very first Leap Day. I was employed at the place where I still work today. Jennifer and I had been living in Big Lake with our cats for over three years, though the very next day we drove to our new apartment in St. Paul to sign the lease. We left Big Lake ten days later.

2012: During the four years since the last Leap Day, Jennifer, Owen, and I moved twice. First to that apartment I mentioned above, then (in 2011) to the house where we now live. Though our number of cats was now half of what it was in 2008, our number of kids had doubled – Isla was born in 2010, so this was her first Leap Day. I was once again a college student, though this time I was at Hamline. Jennifer and I celebrated the 4th anniversary of our engagement by dining at Buca.

2016: Today, Jennifer and I celebrated the 5th anniversary of our engagement by dining at Supatra’s. I took the day off of work and we watched a very romantic movie this afternoon while kid number three – Emmett, experiencing his first Leap Day – napped upstairs. Our one cat passed away a year ago, but we now have a new cat. I’ve now worked for the same employer for three Leap Days and lived in the same house for two. Still at Hamline, too.

Happy Leap Day, everyone!