Happy Birthday To Me!

11 June 2010

Well, today I’m 35 years old.  That equates to 12,784 days, though I insist I don’t feel a day over 11,504. In my lifetime, there has been one Queen of England, four Popes, four Presidents of Togo, seven British Prime Ministers, and seven U.S. Presidents. Speaking of which, I now fit all the qualifications constitutionally required to be elected President. Of course, I don’t fit all the “unofficial” requirements (e.g., being wealthy, being an asshole), but there’s still time yet…

I thought, in the spirit of a new year of life, I would take this opportunity to reflect on the past. Here, then, are 35 things I’ve learned in my 35 years. Things, I hope, that will help make the next 35 years a success:

1. The only thing to truly dislike about winter is anything involving cars.

2. If, when trying to get to know you, the first thing someone asks you about is your job, you don’t need to bother with them.

3. It’s almost always a good idea to document: if you have to call a customer service hot-line, get everyone’s name…if you enter into an agreement, get a contract…if someone tells you something important, write it down.

4. You can’t really ever put too much butter on banana bread.

5. It’s easier, safer, and it’s a lot less weird to hold a glow-in-the-dark condom up to the light before you put it on.

6. People marry people that look like them.

7. Creating films is quite possibly the most frustrating hobby invented.

8. In general, to get the best products and services, go with the smallest company possible. Thus, farmer’s markets trump co-ops trump supermarkets trump mega-stores. Likewise, Mac trumps Windows.

9. Given the choice between knowing and not knowing, it’s better to know. Except when it comes to people’s private lives.

10. You should probably check your order before you pull away from the drive-thru window ’cause, man, they never get it right. On the other hand, it’s probably a good policy to just not eat from places that have a drive-thru window.

11. The lower the quality of music, the more insistent its fans are that they share that music with others. Usually by blaring it out a trunk that’s been refitted as a subwoofer.

12. If you provide responses that are more precise than what is expected, people will think you’re weird.

13. Surround yourself with books wherever you go: leave one in the bathroom, in the car, at your job; and bring one when you go to the dentist. You never know when you’re gonna have time to read and reading, above all else, is pretty much the perfect pastime.

14. Whether it’s a certain genre of movies or a type of beverage, once you become a true fan you actually begin to like the majority of it less, because you become so critical and discerning that you no longer find enjoyment in just anything belonging to your favorite category.

15. The amount of automation in life is sufficient, thank you very much.

16. A possession’s useful value is slowly replaced with sentimental value. There is thus a narrow window of opportunity in which to discard it.

17. You might think it’s a good idea to bring a large metal mixing bowl in the car with you when your sick, nauseous friend is sitting in the passenger seat and is afraid he’s gonna throw up. But it’s only a good idea if you wish to see the vomit land in the bowl, arc out the other side, and spray out onto your dashboard. If you pass by a Burger King on the way home, you can run in and ask for some napkins to clean up the mess, but they’ll only give you three or four. You can try to roll down the windows, but that gag reflex just won’t quit. Also, you might think using the cigarette lighter to burn a tissue is a good way to mitigate the vomit stench, but then you’ll just be left with a fire in your car.

18. When it comes to music, movies, books, and even friends, you decide on your favorites when you’re in your late teens, and you pretty much just stick with that.

19. There is no such thing as a quiet neighbor.

20. There is no such thing as a good caged pet.

21. There is no such thing as “getting pregnant by accident.”

22. God might exist, but only in the same way that Santa, the Easter Bunny, the tooth fairy, Sasquatch, and the magic pixies under my chair might also exist.

23. Regardless of the quality of the toilet, those pipes are narrow. Flush often.

24. You can spank your kids and declaw your cats. Or you can get off your lazy ass and actually put some effort into training them.

25. It is far better to call someone a friend than to call them a brother or sister (or any other familial term). There is no compulsion to automatically feel close to someone simply because you share a recent ancestor. The closeness comes in choosing to be someone’s friend.

26. Formal education reaches its nadir in junior high school.

27. The scary thing about big events in your life is not the prospect that you will change so much, but the fact that everything around will change while you will be left, essentially the same person, trying to fit your sameness into all the changes.

28. If your feet are not sore, throbbing, swollen, or cramping, they are cold. Even if they are sweating.

29. There are about three days of perfect weather every year. Enjoy them.

30. If an estranged friend calls you out of the blue one day and says he’d like to get together with you again, it’s worth a shot.

31. If you decide, early on, that you enjoy something, people will nod and say “good for you.” If you decide, early on, that you don’t like something, people will say “oh, well you haven’t given it enough time.” But no one ever has a clear idea of what the ideal time frame is.

32. You can’t really know how well (or poorly) your parents did at raising you until you have children of your own.

33. If you want someone to join in an activity with you, just ask them once. If they don’t respond, there’s no need to badger them. They either didn’t care enough about the activity or about you to respond.

34. Lists are awesome.

35. Trying to boil your life down to a list of 35 items in an off-the-cuff, spur-of-the-moment fashion is, at best, silly.