Monday, 29 October 2013

 Here’s some funny stuff I gotta share with you-

Bill Maher making fun of Mitt Romney certainly isn’t news-worthy, but here’s a clip of his writers lifting a scene from Alfred Hitchcock’s masterpiece Shadow of a Doubt, and putting a hilarious spin on it…

Also, this made me laugh:

Also, remember a few days ago, when I lamented the indefinite postponing of the best comedy currently on TV? Well, I’ve been checking online every few days to see if there is a change in Community’s prognosis. And, while I regret to report that there is not, the great news is that I’ve discovered that, somehow, I never got around to watching the last three episodes of last season. Oh man, how great is that? It’s like digging in your couch, looking for that quarter you dropped, and finding three quarters! And that would be truly awesome, because I’m trying to fins double the amount of money this year that I found last year. (And I’m not doing so good this month – unless something changes in the final 48 hours of October, this month will have the smallest haul of any month.)
Tuesday, 30 October 2013

Okay, two small milestones to celebrate today:

First, I finished reading the book The Piano Lesson today. My class was assigned to read this play by today. I’m not gonna waste anymore of my life than the 90 minutes I already squandered in class talking about the book. The contents of the book are (I assure you) irrelevant.

Far more interesting than the “story” of the book is the fact that it has become the 67th book I’ve read so far this year. This ties the record for second-most-books I’ve read in a year. The last time I read exactly 67 books in a year was 1999. The only time I ever beat that record was the very next year; I read 71 books in 2000.

Of course, with 1/6 of the year still to come, there’s the very real chance that I will break my record for most books read in a year. In fact, I have a book sitting on my desk that I’ll need to read for class next week, and I’m listening to a book on CD during my commute to work, so those are two books I will definitely add to my list. I will post here once I’ve shattered the 12-year old record.

Second…

Take a look at the chandelier that was dangling from our dining room ceiling when we moved in:

Yes – look upon it…if you dare! Isn’t that the ugliest chandelier you’ve ever seen?
Let me answer that question for you: Yes. It is the ugliest chandelier you’ve ever seen. (Okay, there’s the slight exception of chandeliers that a purposely made to be ugly – like the ones you probably see in chambers of horror; but this is the ugliest chandelier that wasn’t intended to be ugly.)

It’s definitely the ugliest chandelier I’ve ever seen. And I would know. When we first toured the house with a realtor last year, I immediately thought, “Well, that thing is a frightening abomination against all that is pure. I’m gonna tell the owner to knock ten thousand off the asking price just to recoup the cost of visual therapy I’m gonna need for the rest of my life now.”

Indeed, over the past 14 months, everytime I’ve been at other people’s homes, I’ve taken ntoe of their chandeliers and, everytime, I’ve thought, “Wow. I’m so jealous of their light fixture. I wonder if they’d notice if I stole it? How do I distract them?”

I’ve hated this chandelier so much, loathed it will such invective, that I had considered removing it the day we moved in and replacing it with nothing. But my wife was all like, “That’s stupid. We need light in the dining room.” Jeez. I’ve even yelled at other family members for turning it on when I’m in the living room. It’s true – if I’m sitting in the living room, and someone turns on that light, the mishapen bulbs blind me with flashbulb-like intensity. On occassion, I’ve had to place a pillow over my face while the light was on. It’s truly hideous, and all who had a hand in designing it, selecting it for this home, and installing it, should be lobotomized for crimes against morality.

Anyway, I bring this up now because we bought a new chandelier at apprimately 6:00 this evening. By 7:00, we had euthanized the monstrosity you see above and replaced it with the newer, less offensive model.

The old chandelier is now for sale on Craig’s List. If you’d like to buy it, I’m sure it would make a lovely addition to your dungeon.

Saturday, 27 October 2012

 Last night, Owen fell off his bed (while jumping, not while sleeping) and fractured his arm. A few members of the staff at the ER referenced the “No More Monkeys Jumping on the Bed” song. So, today, he’s got a cast on.

If you recall from my last post, I was at a reading event in Stillwater last night. After the reading, several of us went out for drinks and appatizers. While there, Jennifer called to tell me what happened, so I left promptly and met them at the ER.

Owen was a bit nervous upon first arriving at the hospital, but the intake nurse was very calm and understanding. After we were taken to an exam room, Owen was very happy to find out he would be able to watch Star Wars: The Worst Episode while he waited for drugs to kick in and for the x-rays to process.

After the doctor returned and said there was a fracture near his wrist (in his right arm), I left with Isla. She had no intention of going to sleep. About 20 minutes later, Jennifer and Owen arrived home. Thanks to the pain-killers, Owen drifted off to sleep within minutes.

Today Isla tried getting Owen to jump on the bed with her again, but he was having no part in it.

Sunday, 28 October 2012

The convalescing Owen makes a guest blog post:

Eensy. Crazy. Weirdo.

Owen has a comma at the end of the ‘N.’ I said ‘N.’ Not ‘end.’

I am a stinker. Um…Hm…Um…Ha ha ha ha. I don’t know what to say. Weird.

Um…Isla has a play room. I have a room! Put an exclamation mark.

Um…I like school. I like recess. Is it math time? Um…Owen has a marble works. Hm…I’m a weirdo. Who are you sending this to?

I said, “Oh.”

After “to,” there’s supposed to be an “oh” up there.

That was a total mistake.

But it wasn’t my mistake.

I have a cast. Um…I fell. Off the bed. And went to the hospital. I’m mean Children’s Hospital. And I watched Star Wars at the hospital. And, at the hospital, they had to squirt some drugs in my nose, and it was weird. Period.

I will have this cast on for a month. It is very hard to write. This is hilarious. What time is it? It’s 9:40.

Um, no, I’m not all done.

There’s still one more word I wanna say. Are you ready to hear it?

All right, I’m done.

Wednesday, 24 October 2012

Did you know there’s a new Star Trek film coming out next spring? Read about it here: CLICK THIS. It’s called Star Trek Into Darkness, which is so cute I nearly choked.

I’m marginally excited. About 12 years ago, the powers that be at Star Trek decided they were tired of inventing the future and instead decided to cannibalize their own past. So they made a TV show called Enterprise. Later, they continued to ride the origins story bandwagon and came out with the frustratingly titled film Star Trek. Now there’s just gonna be more of the same from that alternate (= less good) timeline.

Here’s an idea: How about going farther ahead in time, you know, past the time of Picard and Janeway and that soap opera with Odo and Quark and giving us a new batch of heroes to follow? ‘Cause then I, for one, would be standing in line to see that flick.

Thursday, 25 October 2012

 Here’s the tentative cover for my upcoming book:

I think it will be tweaked a little bit, but this is pretty much what the cover’s gonna look like. Inside, there will be 24 chapters, plus an appendix, table of contents, acknowledgements section, five or six photos, and about 200 end notes. Right now I’m hard at work editing (mostly editing out) what the editors feel should be axed. The book is definitely too long, and I am not hurt in the least to be leaving plenty of stuff on the cutting room floor. I’ve actually removed entire people from the book – which is kind of funny, really. It’s like removing people from my life but I need to remember that it’s not my entire life story – just the story of being a Witness.

If you’re one of the four or five people who enjoy reading this blog, I hope you’ll buy a copy of the book one day. You, or someone you know, may be in the book (besides me and my wife, of course). Heck, I’ll even sign it at no extra charge (assuming it’s a copy you bought, and not one you rented from the library).

Friday, 26 October 2012
Here’s Owen at the corner drug store this afternoon:

Hey, look! Why does he have both an ice cream cone and a root beer float?

Well, the ice cream is what we buy every Friday after school. The float, meanwhile, is fortuitous because a new employee was being trained in on how to use the soda fountain, and after they made a float, the lady who’s been working there for a while said, “Do you guys want this? Otherwise we gotta throw it out.” So we gobbled it up. Quite literally, actually.

This evening I participated in a book reading at Valley Books in Stillwater.

Here’s the front table that greeted me upon entering:

How awesome is that?

About twenty people attended the reading, which accounted for standing room only in this tiny store. A couple of people just walked in off the street, and a few people came due to reading about the event online. Michelle Huber, meanwhile (seen reading her essay in the photo below), had seven guests in attendance.
I gotta say, I’m jealous. How does she get seven – seven! – people off their asses to come and support her at a literary event in Stillwater? I think seven represents the total number of people that have come to support me in all my author readings, ever. Combined. I’m thinking of stealing Michelle’s friends from her.

Monday, 22 October 2012
Like I do every election year, I visited THIS SITE, entered my zip code, and obtained a sample ballot for the upcoming election. Of course, I already know how I plan to vote for President/VP, Senator, the Voter ID proposal, and other big ticket items. But I don’t know much (or anything) about some of the other races. So I looked up the candidates and wrote down my preferences.

Let’s talk about one race in particular: Associate Judge of the Supreme Court.

Tim Tinglestad is running for a seat on the Minnesota Supreme Court. Again.

As you can see from this still shot of his kick-ass YouTube video, Tim believes that GOD (presumably Thor) superceeds THE CONSTITUTION and even THE PEOPLE.

This is quite scary. Tim is hoping for a position in the judicial branch of our state’s government. The government, of course, operates in accordance with the constitution, which, in turn, was approved by the people. So, I agree with 3/4 of Tim’s heirarchical schematic. But then he puts “GOD” (presumably Vishnu) on top. So…if 100% of the people in Minnesota believe that the voting age should be lowered to 16, but God feels it should be raised to 35…guess what? Tim’s gonna rule on behalf of this unnamed deity – a deity who, quite likely, is not even a citizen of the state.

Tim outlines this in further detail in his vision. His vision begins with the assertion that god (presumably Zeus) wants to shine the light of Truth upon this state and nation again. Not sure when it shined the first time, but Tim says some deity wants to shine it again. I’m not sure how Tim knows this. God must have told him. But this begs the questions of why God only told Tim, and why he didn’t make his pronouncement more widely known.

Anyway, God’s plan evidently begins with Tim getting on the Supreme Court.

Watch his video:

My plan, however, is that people who hear voices in their heads and believe that a powerful deity is guiding their life are in need of psychiatric care, not a seat on the bench. How do we know what this god will tell Tim next? What if Tim is on the court, and God tells Tim to shine the light of human sacrifice again? Will Tim listen? What about reinstituting prayer in the classroom? Will Tim listen to that? What about bringing about marriage equality? If Tim wants to serve on a court in a place where people think they have a direct conduit to extraterrestrials, he should go elsewhere. Utah comes to mind.

On Tuesday, November 6th, be sure to flip over the ballot and re-elect Associate Judge David Stras. Stras is also religious…but decidedly less intense about it.

Tuesday, 23 October 2012

I really hate abject stupidity in politicians.

I recall, a few years back, seeing a video of a Senator unable to name the three branches of government.

At tonight’s Presidential debate, Mitt Romney said Syria is Iran’s “route to the sea.” My immediate reaction was, “no it’s not!” My second reaction was, “Oh well, who cares? He just made a simple mistake.”

But I guess he’s said this same thing at least six times this year.

Why does no one correct him?

If you’re running for a political office – especially at the national level, you should have a workable knowledge of geography. This is even more important regarding key hotspots in the world. I mean, if the moderator had said to Romney: “Quick, name all the nations that border Namibia,” he’d probably answer incorrectly, if he dared to answer at all. I don’t blame him. I’d get it wrong, too. But in my defense…I’m not running for CEO of the USA, and Namibia is not a foreign policy concern by any stretch. But if someone were to ask me which nations border North Korea, or to name off the countries in the Middle East, or to identify all the nations of Euopre on a blank map, I would surely be able to do it. Especially if I was running for office.

Here’s a map of the relevant portion of the Middle East:

Syria is the green nation in the top left. Iran is the big brown one in the upper right. Notice: Iran is not landlocked. And if it needs a quick route to the Mediterranean, it could go through Turkey, instead of Iraq and then Syria. Or its ships could go around the Arabian Penninsula, up the Red Sea, then through the Suez Canal. Lots of options.

I like to think the people that get my vote can name the branches of government, know who our past Presidents are, and identify key nations on a map.

That’s why this video pleases me greatly:

Saturday, 20 October 2012

I think it’s time to pronounce the Apple Orchards of my childhood dead.

Once upon a time, there were a dozen apple orchards within a halfhour of my house, and I went to those orchards and actually picked apples. There were signs saying “feel free to eat an apple while you stroll through our orchard.” After I got my bag of apples, I went in to the little store, and they weighed the bag and charge me accordingly.

There are still some like that…but they’re not nearby.

Today we visited McDougall’s Apple Junction. Unlike several other orchards, there’s no admission fee. That, plus their online promise that we could pick our own apples, got us to pay them a visit.

When we got there, I couldn’t find any indication of where to pick apples, so I went into the store and has this conversation with a woman sitting behind a sampling table…

ME: Hi, we’d like to pick some apples, so…

SHE: Oh, there’s plenty of bags of apples for sale right there.

ME: Yeah, well we wanted to PICK our own apples. That’s why we came.

SHE: Oh, I think there’s only one variety of apple left to pick.

ME: Okay, how do we do that?

SHE: Just go outside, and there’ll be bags for you.

So, we went outside, and let the kids play with the free stuff (there was a playground and haystack maze that cost extra). I couldn’t find any bags. So I walked up to this guy at a counter where they were selling brats, and I noticed a wood shelf that said “bags.” It was empty. So I waited about 5 minutes until it was my turn, and then I asked him if he had any bags available for apple picking. He had to rummage around a bit, but then he pulled out a plastic bag, wrote today’s date on it, then said, “Okay, that’s 20 bucks.”

ME: Twenty dollars? Don’t you have a smaller bag, or charge by the pound [like they do with pumpkins].

HE: No.

ME (looking at Jennifer): I don’t know, I think $20 is a lot.

JENNIFER: Yeah, that’s ridiculous. We’ll never eat that many apples.

ME: Yeah, that would be a waste of food and money.

HE: Oh, okay then.

So…thanks for nothing, McDougall.

Then we drove over to Ziertman’s, a place we partonized last year, upon which I decreed we’d return. They sell rock-bottom priced pumpkins (like, 25 cents) and homemade honey. The kids enjoyed feeding the goats, and we had a good time. Alas, there’s no apple-picking there, either. So we’ll keep looking…

Sunday, 21 October 2012

Today I made two trips to the compost heaps in Ramsey County.

The first trip was all the way up to White Bear, where they accept dirt. We got a lot of unneeded dirt. Earlier in the summer, Jennifer suggested we pile it all in the driveway and advertize “free dirt,” but I never did that. I guess my primary resistance to her idea was that, if no one took the dirt, I’d be forced to shovel it a second time (this time into bags) and then take it to the copost heap anyway.

Since our driveway has a slight incline, my idea was to evenly spread the dirt over the driveway right before a heavy downpour, and just let it all wash away. Jennifer thought that was stupid.

My second trip was to the local compost heap, where Owen and I transported 9 bags of leaves. Owen loves going to the compost heap, and he insists on dumping out all of the bags. I think next time we go, I’m gonna bring a lawn chair, an umbrella, and a lemonade, and just set up camp next to the car while my son goes to work. Then all the other men will look at me and be so jealous that my kid does all my work for me. And maybe some women, too – one time, I saw a woman at the compost heap. So that’s good that they’re making inroads into dumping leaves. Glad they’re breaking through that gender barrier.

In other news: Is this an IKEA product, or a Lord of the Rings character? Great idea for a quiz; I scored surprisingly well (85%), but that’s probably because I’ve read all the IKEA novels and I’ve been to Lord of the Rings, like, 50 times.