Friday, 15 April 2011

So, first, I received a PowerPoint presentation today. It was titled “Memorial Reminder.” Not sure why I was included on this email…I know full well when the Memorial is scheduled, and thanks to years of indoctrination, I don’t think I will forget its appearance every full-moon-following-the-vernal-equinox each year. For those who don’t know, the Memorial is the one holiday that Witnesses do observe (though they are loathe to term it a ‘holiday’). It’s basically their version of Mass – a morbid meeting (on top of all the other meetings) in which wine and bread gets passed around to everyone in attendance. Lest that sound too exciting, bear in mind that almost no one (<0.01%) partakes of the comestibles.

Anyway, I thought I’d share some of the Power Point slides with my loyal readers here:

Okay, here’s slide #2, and all I gotta say is…CREEPY! God knows EVERYTHING about me? And that’s supposed to make me feel good? Does he know I have a nose hair that’s been itching me all day? Does he know that I just scratched my genitals? Why does he know these things? Why does he want to know these things? Like I said, CREEPY!

So now he even knows things about me that I don’t know about myself: he knows how many hairs I have on my head. Again, why? And, CREEPY! As a supplemental question, where does my head end and my neck begin? I mean, I think something like that could make a radical difference in the number of hairs that are on my head.

But here’s what’s really bizarre about this slide: he knew me even before I was conceived! Holy shit! That means he foreordained that my parents would get together and copulate on the night that they did. Weird. Why was it so important to him that my parents reproduce – especially considering my parents had a lousy marriage that ultimately ended in divorce? And if he knew me before I was conceived, does that mean he knew everyone…even…Hitler! And did he know the babies that resulted from rapes? ‘Cause, wow, he should’ve done something about that. And did he also know all the fetuses that were conceived, but ultimately miscarried? Why did he want to fertilize eggs, only to abort them? Damn, God has committed a lot of abortions in his time. I sure hope Congress tried to defund God.

So, the only reason why I’m not offended by this slide is because I have a standing SOP that stipulates I never get offended about anything. However, if I was to get offended, I would say this slide is offensive.

Look at the first (mis)quote: “And I brought you forth on the day you were born.” Um…no, Jehovah, you didn’t. My mom carried me in her womb for many months, and she – not the doctors, not the nurse, not my dad, and certainly not any fictitious characters – delivered me into the world. Having attended the births of both of my children, I find this (mis)quote to be insulting to women like my wife who, with much effort and pain, “brought forth” new life.

Now look at the third and fourth (mis)quotes: “I offer you more than your earthly father ever could…for I am the perfect father.”

Huh. That’s funny. I don’t remember Jehovah doing jack shit to pay for my food, clothing, education, or medical care when I was growing up. What I do remember, however, was my father working long hours, often on the weekend, often with two jobs, battling traffic, injuries, health problems, and lousy bosses, just to pay for our crappy cars, our mobile home, and our hand-me-downs. My Dad is far from “the perfect father,” but he did (and does) a helluva lot more than Jehovah. (For one thing, my “earthly father” actually talks to me – and that makes him way superior to Jehovah regardless of any other trait.)

Now here’s an interesting slide. For one thing, it directly contradicts the previous slide: He will give me the desires of my heart only if I delight in Him? What does that mean? And, anyways, in the previous slide, he just said he wants to lavish his love on me simply because I am his child. So which is it: Does he want to do stuff for me by default, or do I have to cough up some ‘delight’?

The slide also claims that Jehovah can do for me than I can possibly imagine. I love statements like this because they are so easily testable. I can imagine that Jehovah can make $100 appear out of thin air and land on my keyboard in the next minute. Let’s see if it happens.

…

…

…

…Hm. I guess that statement is false.

Here are some statements I don’t even have to test; I already know they’re false. Again, Jehovah, stop demeaning my “earthly” (i.e., “real”) father: you never comforted me in my troubles. The slide also claims that God is close to me when I’m broken-hearted. Huh. That’s funny. Because, in the past, when I would sincerely pray to God requesting his help, he didn’t do Jack Squat. He didn’t even pat me on the head and say, “I’m sorry, I wish I could make it better,” like my earthly father did. He must’ve been too busy counting my hairs.

Okay, I could write a book about this slide. But for now, I’ll just say this: If you know me personally, and you happen to have children, please don’t think that “giving up” your children will somehow impress me and make me love you. Instead, just invite me out to lunch or a movie, or send my wife and I a card on our anniversary. Thanks.

…Sorry, I’ll be taking my son – my earthly son, who I have no thought of “giving up” – to a birthday party. Also, I’ll be busy counting his hairs.

Also, best video this week. Representative Crowley (D-NY) is now one of my favorite congressmen. In case his style looks slightly familiar, it’s ’cause he’s copying ‘Weird Al,’ who, of course, was spoofing Bob Dylan.

Wednesday, 13 April 2011

Four people from my (former) department were laid off today. This brings the total number of people in that department from 15 on Monday, down to 9 today. Wow. They’re a vanishing breed.

My new job is in the packaging department. To clear up the misconception everyone seems to have about this: No, I am not working in the receiving dock nor am I working in shipping. When I say “Packaging” I mean the housing that the medical devices are directly stored in. If I worked for a condiment company, it’s kind of like I just stopped testing the mustard and will now test the mustard bottle.

Yes, the containers also need to meet rigorous specifications.  Think of it this way: it does little good for the FDA to regulate, say, Advil, if the Advil can simply be poured into a pick-up truck and dumped off in Target Pharmacy’s parking lot. The bottles that contain the Advil need to meet certain stress, impact, shear, temperature, permeability, air pressure, and cosmic radiation considerations. Okay, so no one’s said anything to me about the danger of cosmic radiation on catheters, but everything else I said was true.

Thursday, 14 April 2011

I received my copy of So Beautiful or So What in the mail yesterday. I’ve gotta say, the packaging is, well, beautiful. It’s a triptych featuring three sleeves: one on the left, one in the middle, and one on the right. The one on the left houses an envelope with a guitar image on it. The CD is inside that envelope. The center sleeve houses a booklet, with another picture of the exploding DNA on the cover. The booklet has all the lyrics and a two page write-up by Declan MacManus.  The sleeve on the right houses an envelope with a microscope image on it (very appropriate – as it connects both the the DNA on the cover and the idea that what’s in this envelope will give fans a closer look). There’s a DVD inside that features a live performance and a making-of filmlet. I haven’t checked out the DVD yet.

The album is very reminiscent of Simon’s last two albums – You’re the One and Surprise. In fact, I’d say this album is a combination of the best of both of those two. Overall, it’s a little too laid back for my preference, but not as laid back as You’re the One. The sounds and lyrics reminded my of Surprise, though there were a few things that made me think “Yep, this is the guy who created Graceland” – such as when he sings about  a “bomb in the marketplace.”

Simon continues with his two favorite themes again: the limits on communication, and the sense of isolation we can sometimes feel in the presence of new people, places, and technologies. There’s more of an air of mortality and finality here than in earlier works which, I guess, is to be expected from someone who’s been in the business for 50 years and is nearly 70 years old.

There’s also an instrumental track named “Amulet” (the shortest track on the album). This was a pleasant surprise that I almost missed (it is, of course, not given any space in the lyrics booklet). I can’t recall any instrumentals in Simon’s other solo work.

Overall, I enjoyed the album. It’s a little earlier to say for sure, but I think I like it better than There Goes Rhymin’ Simon, One Trick Pony, You’re the One, and even The Rhythm of the Saints. It is, of course, not as good as Graceland. Probably on par with Surprise or Still Crazy After All These Years.

And now that I’ve said that, you should be able to score pretty admirably at THIS QUIZ.

Saturday, 09 April 2011

So I started reading the book Proofiness today. So far, it’s an absolutely fascinating book – the kind where I would like to just sit down and read it cover-to-cover with no interuptions. The author, Charles Seife, also wrote the book Zero, which likewise was another great read.

Proofiness, subtitled The Dark Arts of Mathematical Deception, delves into the world of statistics, charts, graphs, and other number-related areas and discusses how data are misinterpreted and manipulated. I’ve read books like this before, such as 200% of Nothing and (my favorite): Innumeracy. I highly recommend these books for understanding the numbers that we hear and see reported to us from the media and (especially!) from advertisers. Since reading Innumeracy, for example, I have notices all sorts of numerical dishonesty, which has helped me in my pursuit to be a responsible citizen, cautious buyer, and all-around nay-sayer.

The problem, however, is that Proofiness is so popular, I had to wait months before a copy was reserved for me at the library. Now that I have a copy, I am deluged in readings for college and book reviews, so Proofiness is not getting the attention it deserves. In fact, I picked the book up from the library two days ago and I’m only now starting to read it. I fear it will be due before I can finish it – and since it’s so popular right now, I can’t renew my copy.

I just may have to break down and buy a copy. I guess it would be worth it.

Sunday, 10 April 2011

My wife and I are working our way through the entire Seinfeld catalog. (And if you need to click on the link I supplied…jeez, where have you been?) We just started last month, and tonight we watched three episodes from season two, including “The Apartment” (and, yes, every episode of Seinfeld has its own Wikipedia page).

In the apartment, Jerry tells Elaine that the apartment directly above his is open for rent. Elaine literally jumps at the offer and, sight unseen (and sound unheard) accepts the apartment.

Jennifer and I agreed that this is really a New York City thing. This sort of subculture – in which people have to wait until apartments become available seems unique to that metropolitan area. Here in the Twin Cities, it’s different – you pretty much just decide where you want to live, and begin looking in that area. There are plenty of apartments to choose from.

Oh – here’s another fun fact about Seinfeld: all the episodes (except one) begin with the word “The.” This results in some pretty strained names – such as “The Serenity Now” and “The Puerto Rican Day,” but most of the titles make sense. I gotta say, I love the way sitcoms name their episodes, and I don’t know how I managed back in the days before the internet when episode titles were not so readily available.

Monday, 11 April 2011

So, we’ve been very good about going on walks lately. The warmer weather sure helps. I put Isla in an ergo and off we go (hey – poetry!). Today, for the first time in the week that we’ve been venturing outside for walks, Isla started getting fussy and crying. It seems she didn’t want to be in the ergo. We stopped at a playground, Jennifer nursed Isla, Owen played on the equipment, and I just say around. Then Isla was fine and she snuggled right in to the ergo. She’s an easy, easy baby to take care of. I think, if Isla had been born first (and under similar circumstances), we would probably have five kids by now.

Hold it – I just totally said that without thinking it through. The truth is, each of the four subsequent pregnancies, births, and dispositions of the babies would have also had to match up with Isla’s pretty well, and that would’ve been a long shot. Still, I hope you get my point.

Also today, a co-worker sent me this video today: When Harry Met Sally 2. It’s a bit disjointed, but I thought it was funny.

He also sent me this: The Geek Zodiac. The reasons for the years are a bit contrived, though I’m not sure how they could’ve done it otherwise. I was born in the Year of the Superhero.

Tuesday, 12 April 2011

Exam #2 in class today. Like the first exam, this one consisted of two parts: a matching game (yep, the professor actually calls it a ‘game’) wherein we are given a list of ten excerpts from various narratives and we have to match them up with the appropriate author. I got all of these correct. I mean, unless I made a really stupid mistake that I didn’t even notice – like putting my own name in blank #5 instead of the name of the appropriate author.

The second part of the exam consisted of making a claim about one or more of the texts and then defending that claim with various quotes from the texts. I never really feel comfortable with this sort of test; I’m anxious to see what my score is. The scoring with essays is rather subjective, so I’ll just hope the professor likes what I wrote.

We were also given an assignment today. That’s no surprise, really, as the professor gives us an assignment on most days. But this one was different: instead of having to write a one-page essay, we have to draw a picture. Here are the instructions, word-for-word, as I copied them off the board:

“Draw your picture of The Fall of the House of Usher. You may be realistic, symbolic, stick figurishtic. Write a couple of sentences about what your picture says or what theme it is showing.”

An artist I am not. I’m just a eager to see what I’ll end up drawing as my professor is. If it doesn’t violate any code of academic honesty, I might just go ahead an post a scan of the picture up here on this site. Just, as they say, for shits and giggles.

Wednesday, 06 April 2011
So, first off: here’s a good article regarding the recent non-news story of the Koran burning: Click here.
Second, I was listening to the radio on the way home from work this evening, and at the conclusion of the song “Satisfaction” (by the Rolling Stones), the DJ said that if there was a Mount Rushmore version of rock music, “Satisfaction” would have to be one of the songs chiseled in stone.
This got me to thinking. How does a person go about deciding on which four rock songs belong on this version of Mt. Rushmore?
I think the best way to proceed, would be to emulate Gutzon Borglum to the extent possible.
Borglum chose to sculpt the first President (Washington), so I think an appropriate corresponding song would be “Rock Around the Clock,” since it was the first rock song to sell a million copies and the first to go to #1.
Borglum also sculpted Jefferson, a President responsible for the expansion of the United States (the area of the US doubled under his presidency). I think Elvis is the appropriate counterpart here, so maybe “Blue Suede Shoes” or “Hounddog” or “All Shook Up” would be a fitting second choice.
Next, Borglum selected a President who strove to hold together two warring factions…and here’s where, perhaps, “Satisfaction” could fit in (British music in America).
Borglum only chose one President from his lifetime, Theodore Roosevelt. Roosevelt, having been so much more recent than the other three, was perhaps chosen more for his contemporary status than his long-lasting status. I think his appearance on the Mountain is the most suspect of the four. I think the obvious counterpart here would be something by Lady Gaga.

Thursday, 07 April 2011
There was a department meeting today.
I’ve been setting up these meetings every month for over four years now, but today was the last one that I set up ad hosted. I decided to go out on a high note by arriving with snacks and beverages for everyone. Thankfully, my manager pitched in with some cash, so I only ended up spending about half of what I had originally estimated.
I gotta say…
Shopping for food for people is hard. I mean, it’s really hard. I walked to the back of the grocery store to pick out some pop, and there were signs everywhere saying that I could get one pack free if I buy two packs…but only if I had a coupon. So then I had to go back to the front of the store to look for said coupon. Then I grabbed a bag of chips, but then noticed they had a buy-one-get-one deal on certain sized bags, so I had to determine what size bag I had in my hand, and if it was better to just buy that bag, or to buy the smaller one and get another one free.
Then there’s the whole fruit tray dilemma. How old is that fruit? Does it all taste the same since it’s been packaged together for who-knows-how-long? (Answer: yes, it does.)
On the upside, there was a booth set up with some guy passing out tastes of the new Snapple. He had little cups set up, half with diet and half with regular. I asked him which one was which, and he couldn’t recall, so he had to pour me a fresh cup of regular. He also gave me a rebate certificate to get reimbursed for my 6-pack purchase. So I dutifully bought the six-pack.
Now I eagerly await my reimbursement check from Snapple!

Friday, 08 April 2011
Today I transferred (at least on paper) to my new department. I still have some things to wrap up in my old department, but it should only take a few more days. I received a tour of my new lab, and my new manager even took a picture of me. I apologized for not being better looking, but he said that was okay; he only needed the photo for an organizational chart.
I set up a lunch date with everyone in my (former) department. I reserved a table for 15 at Olive Garden for 11:30 this morning. I also invited a few people who used to work in our department, but had since transferred out. I even invited one lady who quit the company about three years ago, but still keeps in touch with some of us. All told, there were 17 people there. I didn’t expect this, but my supervisor paid for my meal. I thanked him and said, “I should be paying for you – I’m the one who still has a job come net week.”
“Ah,” he replied, “but I’ll be the one with a nine-month vacation.”
Touché, supervisor. Touché.

Monday, 04 April 2011
Have I ever mentioned how much I hate making big decisions and big changes? Does anyone really like doing that sort of thing? I’m not sure. Actually, I probably hate making big changes more than I hate big decisions – so my decision usually defaults to maintaining the status quo. Better the devil I know, right?
So now we are at that point in our lives where it’s time to once again make some decisions. This happened back in 2004: we suddenly needed to make a whole mess of decisions. These included big things, like: Are we going to have kids? Am I going to start a new job? Should we move to a new house and city? And it included smaller things, too, like: Should we go on that cruise my Dad wants us to go on?
Anyway, I seem to have muddled through that year well enough.
And now there’s a bunch of stuff on the horizon again: I’m starting a new job…that, at least, was somewhat forced on me due to impending lay-offs. But now I’m fretting if I’ll like my job and if I will perform well enough at it. We also keep having discussion about our next place of residence, which of course has repercussions on Owen’s schooling…which is actually a more difficult decision than where to move.
Anyway, I just had to get all that off my chest.

Tuesday, 05 April 2011

Today, my copy of The Flood arrived in the mail. I’m not what you’d call a “prolific album purchaser.” In fact, I can’t even recall the last album I purchased. Nevertheless, Mason Jennings is one of a very select group of musicians in which I am willing to shell out and buy a copy of their work – sight unseen (or would that be hear unheard?) – as it is released.

When the package arrived today, my wife rolled her eyes imagining that I was buying yet another book about Noah’s Flood. She wondered why I need so much information about a historical non-event. Ha! The joke was on her: this album (as far as I can determine) has nothing to do with Noah and his god’s monomaniacal genocide.

I played the album this evening, though I admit that I was distracted for large parts of it, and Owen even shut it off before it was finished (Isla had fallen asleep and, in a rare move for him, decided it would be prudent to quiet things down a bit). Jennifer noted that Mason seems to just keep writing the same songs, but with different lyrics. Even some of the lyrics appeared to be rehashes of other songs. I said that I probably have enough familiarity with Mason’s music and lyrics to spontaneously parody his style.
This got me thinking – perhaps I should create a Mason Jennings parody music video. Of course, it would be all original lyrics and music – kind of like Weird Al.
I probably won’t ever do that, but it was fun to joke about.