A Boy and His Blog

Archive for February, 2010

I have about a week left to complete the applications for a school that will likely teach my son for the next seven years of his life. This is no small decision.

The Pros:

Our city has some excellent schools. There are magnets, charters, and really good neighborhood schools if you happen to live in a good neighborhood or can get your child enrolled in one of their open spots. Last week I attended two neighborhood school open houses which happen to be in the two richest neighborhoods in the area. For one of them, which I will call school A, we are in the alternate area, so if Owen was accepted he would be bused. School A is the only public school in the area that offers half day kindergarten. It also is a school that values peace initiatives and the environment and they even do yoga, which is pretty cool. I also toured School B, which is in the richest neighborhood in the area and I am not yet sure if I can apply or get busing if I do, but this school presents like a private school. They have 9 out of 10 on test scores (which is really unheard of for a public school – most have 2 to 6 out of 10) and the school was immaculate and stocked with really nice materials. [See Greatschools.org for more info on the test scores scale.] Today Owen and I toured a public Montessori school in our area, and it was very nice. I love the Montessori program and I was really surprised and happy to see that they actually follow it in this school (the child guides his own learning), a lot of “Montessori” day cares and schools don’t actually follow the Montessori philosophy so I was pleasantly surprised. This school was clean and nice and had ample materials in each classroom. Then there is a Charter school nearby that scores a whopping 10 out of 10 on test scores. I was unable to set up an appointment at this school to tour it, but turned in an application today. [School A and the Public Montessori get 5 out of 10 on test scores.]

The Cons:

School A seems to be a decent school, but a very typical neighborhood school. There is nothing wrong with it, I am just not sure Owen would thrive in that setting. The classes have 20 to 22 students each. Both School A and school B had these class sizes. This is very good comparatively, but I still felt like this would be a lot of kids for Owen to deal with. School B only has about a 5 to 10% minority rate, which I am not crazy about. There was a real lack of any diversity there and I want Owen to be exposed to diversity. The Montessori school was really good over all, but did not offer a separate science class or any gifted programs. All but School A had full day kindergarten, which is not going to be ideal for Owen. We are working on getting him an IEP, so perhaps we will be able to set some kind of transition plan if he qualifies for that. The Charter school was not what I expected. I did not have a chance to do a tour, but dropped off his application today. It was very dirty and disheveled looking. They have a cross outside the building so I asked if they had a religious affiliation. The woman said no, but that they rent the building from a Catholic institution and that it used to be a church. She then told me that 80% of the students are Christian and that it is a very important part of the social aspect for the parents. At one point she said, “it is very important to a lot us, so if you aren’t comfortable with that you may not like it here”. I would expect any student body in America to be about 80% Christian and I don’t have a problem with that, but I did have a problem with the way she was trying to chase me off because she didn’t think I was Christian. That made me very nervous because I’m not sure I trust that it isn’t part of their curriculum. It seemed odd how uncomfortable she was that I was obviously not a Christian.

I also called a private Montessori today and talked to them about scholarships. I go there to observe on Wednesday and then we will talk about the availability of scholarships and if it would be possible for us. I told them about Owen’s current preschool situation and that his psychologist recommended a Montessori school for him based on his unique needs (intellectually advanced/socially behind with anxiety issues). After I told them all this, and I told them that we would need a very significant or a full scholarship to even be able to consider this school, they still set up an appointment for me to come in and observe and said we would talk about the rest after that. I’m not sure if I should take this as a sign that they have scholarship funds available, or if they are just trying to get me to fall in love with their school so that I will sacrifice everything and pay the tuition. Of course, that can’t happen because we don’t have the money, but sometimes I think people in those kinds of situations don’t understand that some people truly can’t afford it, so I guess we will see.

The plan now is that I need to fill out a school application and rank school A, school B and the public Montessori from the best to the worst. Then he will be accepted randomly to one of the three schools. If he does not get a placement, then I have to find three different schools and rank those and reapply. The public Montessori has a pre-k program and all of the pre-k kids are guaranteed a spot in kindergarten, so that means there are only 16 spots left. So our chances of getting in there are slim to none. The Charter school has the same issue with the same number of spots and over 200 applicants. The Charter school is outside the public school lottery though, so at least we can choose three in addition to that school. I think that I am leaning towards the public Montessori to be our first choice, though the chances are very slim he would get in. He will probably end up in school A or school B, so I need to decide between those two which one would be better for him. If we end up in the private Montessori I will be very surprised, but it’s worth a shot.

This school search has been extremely stressful! At least for our next child I know that public school now starts for pre-k and if I want a better chance of getting into the good schools, as well as a half day transition into school for my child, I need to apply at age 4, not age 5.

Owen keeps asking me why I had him in the hospital and not at home. I have to explain to him that most babies are born in the hospital, and that I was just doing what most people did and what I thought was right at the time. I think his ideas on this are a bit warped. Since we are having this baby at home he thinks all babies are usually born at home and he was the exception.

I learned from Owen’s birth that the hospital experience is not something I ever want to go through again. We decided to have a homebirth for any future babies about a week after Owen was born, and I haven’t swayed at all from that choice since. I have researched and studied the topic, and feel it is the right choices for me and for our family.

After interviewing four midwives I have found one that I really like. I went to one prenatal so far and the experience was very reassuring. We tried to choose a midwife who was competent and practiced in what I felt was a safe and evidence based manner, and who was willing to be very hands-off during the birth and immediately afterward. I do not want any internal exams or interventions during pregnancy or labor and she said she usually doesn’t do any. I asked her if she would be comfortable being in another room during the birth and she said she would. She is also comfortable with breech birth among other things. If everything goes as planned, she wont be touching me or the baby at all during the birth. Either James or I will catch the baby and she will observe from a distance (or be on call in another room) just in case of an emergency. Right after the birth she will keep her distance as well. I even asked her not to put a hat on the baby right away because I don’t want anyone interfering with us at all. She agreed since it will be summer and we can make sure the room is warm. No one will be taking this baby away from me unless there is a true emergency, and even then it is likely the baby will be kept on my chest and attached to the cord (which can provide oxygen for minutes after the birth). These things were all extremely important to me and I think I found a midwife who can support me in them.

Next month our whole family will go to my next prenatal so that we can all hear the heartbeat. James and I heard it when we had the ultrasound but Owen hasn’t heard it yet so that should be fun for him. We are still wondering about Owen being present at the birth. I really want him there, but don’t want him to be upset or scared by it. So far he says he will be there, but he will stay under a blanket. I need to start showing him birth videos to prepare him for it if he ends up being there. He has seen a few and he is very interested in them, he just doesn’t like the noise, and unfortunately he has a very loud Mama.

We have been talking to Owen for months and months about having another baby. Not really intentionally, but it has been a conversation that James and I would frequently return to, and since Owen is around most of the time, he was included in it. I used to ask him if he wanted a brother or a sister, and what we would name the next baby. He started to get excited about it and would regularly refer to “the next baby”. Once last summer we were talking about how we like the name Max. We asked Owen if he liked the name Max and he said, flabbergasted at our ignorance, “no! that’s a dogs name!” then he said, “why don’t you name the next baby Clifford or T-Bone?” His point was well taken and James was like, “yeah, there are a lot of dogs named Max…” So we abandoned that name choice. Owen also would offer up names of his own creation. One he loved for a while was Javen. He kept telling us to name the next baby Javen or Caven. Then he moved on to Finn and Kiki – because those are the names of the baby dragons on the show Dragon Tails. Then he moved on to more obscure names, like Poopy, or Sippy Cup, or (he opens his mouth and doesn’t say anything – so complete silence is the name). His favorite choice though is ‘Owen’ and we have had to explain over and over again that we can’t name the next baby Owen because then when we call out “Owen” two kids will come.

Once I got pregnant we were not that discreet about our conversations. Since we had already been talking about the next baby, we just kept talking about it as if I wasn’t pregnant yet. But, we did talk about it a lot more and I think eventually this bothered Owen. He could tell something was up and felt out of the loop. We even had two midwife interviews that he tagged along to. After the first interview as we were leaving he said to me very exasperated, “Mama, when are you going to get a baby in your tummy?” I felt like it was time to tell him, but we wanted to wait until the second trimester. I thought he would be really disappointed if I miscarried, and also I felt it was just a really long time for him to wait if I told him so soon. I guess we should have just been a bit more discreet about things.

After we had our ultrasound done and after I entered the second trimester we decided it was time to tell Owen the good news. It was January 15^th, the day we got the ultrasound done that we told him. At dinner that night I said “guess what, I have a surprise… there’s a baby in my tummy!” He was very pleased, but had lots of questions to ask. I did explain to him that the baby had already been in my tummy for 3 months, and that we hadn’t told him sooner because sometimes when babies are really little they don’t stick inside the Mama, and we wanted to make sure this baby was going to stick and grow bigger. I wanted him to know there was a reason why he wasn’t told earlier, and he said that he already knew. I told him that I know that he was probably wondering about it, but now he knows for sure. I then told him I had pictures of the baby to show him. He then got very excited at the prospect of being a big brother. He said, “this is the best’es day ever!” I don’t think he could make heads or tails of the pictures, but it was nice to have something so tangible to show him. He also wanted to know how the baby got in there and would not take any of my normal short answers this time. I tried explaining it in many different ways, but it just was not cutting it this time. Finally I just told him how babies are made very basically. He just looked at me and proclaimed “I am never doing that!” After that he did not want to discuss it further. This was another case of his mind being intellectually ready for something that he is really too young to integrate emotionally. They always say to only give as much information as kids ask for, and that they wont keep pressing for more if they are not ready for it. I have found that Owen is a kid who presses for information that he is not ready to handle and that has been challenging. Although, the other day he asked me again how the baby got into my body since it can’t fit through my mouth. I’m guessing he didn’t retain the information that he wasn’t ready to hear, and so we went back to the basic info I had been telling all along and he was again satisfied with that.

Ever since Owen found out about the baby he has been very excited. He seems very happy about the prospect and is excited to have a little brother or sister to teach things to or to play with. When we ask him what he wants, he usually says a sister. Every now and then he will say a brother though. We won’t find out the gender this time until the birth so it should be a fun surprise for him.

On January 15^th, we went in for an ultrasound. It was not just any ultrasound, it was a nuchal translucency scan. This ultrasound is done at a specific time period and looks at the fluid thickness in the back of the neck and if there is a nasal bone present or not. The mother’s blood is then taken and tested for four things. Then, along with the blood tests, the results from the ultrasound, and the mother’s weight and age, a figure is calculated that will give the woman her specific risk factor for having a baby with one of three (the three most common) chromosomal abnormalities. The reason we decided to do this scan is that I am now 34 and will be 35 at the time the baby is born. This puts me at a higher risk of having a baby with a chromosomal abnormality. The test has a 95% accuracy rate. What you are looking for is odds that are greater than the odds of your age. So, my odds were 1 in 300 because of my age, and so we were hoping for higher odds than that. Lower odds would perhaps prompt an amnio or a CVS, which are both more invasive tests with a risk of miscarriage, but will give you exact results about if your baby has an issue or not. We had not yet decided what we would do with the results of our scan if they were lower than my age risk, but we both felt that we wanted to have this information available to us so opted for the scan. What we were hoping for was to be reassured.

My Mom babysat Owen while James and I went to the ultrasound. I have not had any prenatal care up until this point, and only went to one appointment with a midwife from this clinic to talk about the scan. I was not an OB patient at this clinic and was not required to submit to any intake procedures, but they agreed to perform the scan for me even though I was planning a home birth.

When we got to the appointment we went right in for the ultrasound. I laid down on the table and the ultrasound tech proceeded to put the wand on my abdomen. I looked at the screen and suddenly a baby popped up! It was a little peanut looking baby, with a large head and body, but it definitely looked like a little baby. It had legs and arms and the tech said it was a very wiggly baby. It moved a lot, and liked to keep it’s arms up above it’s head. Unfortunately, it would not move into the correct position for the scan. The fetus has to be in a precise position so that she can take the measurements, and this baby was stubborn and not budging. (Owen was also a stubborn little thing at his ultrasound and it took forever to get a peek at his gender.) We tried everything, I went to the bathroom, I pulled one knee up, then two, then did a sit up and stretched my arms down to my feet. The baby would change positions, but would not get into the right position for the scan. Also, my uterus is retroverted, which means it is tipped backwards towards by back instead of forwards. This always complicates things like hearing the heartbeat early on, and then this early ultrasound. Eventually, the baby grows larger and this forces the uterus into the correct position. She told us she would just not be able to get the scan. But, she did do a measurement of the fluid in the back of the neck (though she could not submit it for the test because the baby was not in the perfect position). The fluid measured well within range, and she showed us were the fluid was and we saw a very thin line there, which is good. Also, after much trying, she finally got a shot of the nasal bone! She said, “this baby has a very large nasal bone” and of course James and I started laughing thinking she was saying our baby had a big nose. Then she clarified, “no, I mean, with down syndrome they have a nasal bone but it is very small, and this baby has a large nasal bone which is a good sign”. She also told us that everyone has a 97% chance that everything is just fine, and in most cases it is. After I told her I was only concerned with my increased risk of chromosomal abnormalities, she told us that the numbers are often manipulated for women of a higher age and she has seen that women of my age have anywhere from a 1 in 300 chance to a 1 in 700 chance of having a baby with a chromosomal abnormality. I tried to find out why the numbers would be manipulated, but she clearly did not want to divulge that information. I must look into that one day, but for now, I feel reasonably reassured.

Though we could not submit our scan results along with a blood test (submitting the blood test alone is only 60% accurate so we opted not to do it) and get an accurate determination of our risk factor, I was happy to see that the fluid measured so small and that there was a nasal bone. These things alone don’t mean that we wont have a child with a chromosomal abnormality, but it is definitely a reassuring sign. We chose not to reschedule for another attempt, and are taking our chances with our little wiggly offspring. We will love the baby just the same no matter what, but all seems well at this point.

We did find out that the heart rate is 162 Beats Per Minute (if I remember right, Owen’s was in the 130’s or 140’s, but I don’t seem to have this written down anywhere). Also, the baby measured only one day larger than my calculations. (My calculations are correct, ultrasound measurements are not precise.) Here are some pictures of our baby: